4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Walter

To some, it might be quite ridiculous for a grown-ass man to stay in his home every night throughout the month of July watching Christmas movies. It wasn’t my fault there was a Christmas-in-July movie marathon on one of the channels I got. I didn’t even know which channel it was, like my TV was auto-programmed to my likes and dislikes. And though it would be a surprise to many, Christmas movies were one of my likes. They were my kryptonite.

Considering it was July, it was beautiful outside, and I was not exactly a senior citizen. I should have been outside, doing yard work, going to barbecues, hanging out with my friends. Hell, I used to play tennis regularly, but after declining invitations one too many times, the invitations no longer came. My subdivision had a block party last week and I hadn’t even gotten a flyer letting me know it was happening. Probably because the last time the neighborhood committee had shown up at my house, I’d slammed the door. I wasn’t even sure what they had been there for. Probably selling something.

Hence the reason why my three best friends from college were all on a cruise without me, posting pictures to social media. I didn’t even get a “Wish you were here.” All my neighbors avoided me. Last week my next-door neighbor had crossed the street when they saw me coming.

Was I really that bad? Sure, I scowled a lot, but I wasn’t cruel or rude. I didn’t think…

I shook away those depressing thoughts. I did this to myself. I had wanted people to leave me alone after my split with my ex, and now they had. Now I had no one. I could not complain about that. As they say, be careful what you wish for—you just might get it. And I got it.

I grabbed my bowl of cereal—breakfast of champions, dinner of losers—and flipped on the television.

Oh, perfect— Elf was one of my favorites. I settled back into my sofa and lost myself in the movie, even though I had seen it a dozen times (more than that probably). I laughed at everything.

The elf figurine on my mantle caught my eye, the sun coming through the window just right and catching the sparkle that coated the elf’s vest. He didn’t have a good view of the television. Poor guy was missing out on a good show.

What a strange thought. He was a figurine. He didn’t need to view the television.

I watched the TV for a few minutes more, but that thought wouldn’t leave my head. What if he was bored and wanted to be entertained? I looked straight at the elf. He, of course, did not look back. His gaze was fixed on the wall. His smile didn’t waver. It couldn’t. He was not real.

“Do you want to see the television?” I asked out loud. My voice was rough from disuse. Had I spoken today? When I arrived at work, surely I had said hello to someone…

I hadn’t ordered lunch, I’d brought my own, and I’d stayed quiet throughout the day, head down into my work.

Had I really gone all day without speaking to anyone?

And now I was speaking to a figurine.

Fuck my life.

Of course, there was no response. I was talking to a statue.

“These kinds of movies have got to be your jam, though, right? I bet you’d really like it.”

Despite the fact that it was absolute insanity, I found myself getting up, walking across the room, picking up the elf, cradling it to my side, and sitting back down.

“Someday, you’ll have to tell me how accurate these movies are, huh? I’ve often wondered how there could possibly be just one Santa. I mean, magic, right? But it would make more sense if there were a bunch of them, a network of Santas.”

Why I ever considered these types of things, I would never know. Perhaps I needed a hobby, something that wasn’t me sitting in my living room, eating a bowl of cereal, watching Christmas movies with an elf figurine that I had purchased on a whim.

I could have sat him on the coffee table, or perhaps on the table to my side, but instead, I set him right next to me, propped up so that he could see the television.

“This is one of the best ones. I think Fred Claus isn’t bad either. Paul Giamatti as Santa will never not be funny. And then, of course, there’s The Santa Clause movies. Those are classics as well. Don’t worry, little elf. We’ll watch them all. And we’ll watch them again starting around November. Don’t tell anyone, but if I did decorate for the holidays, I’d definitely put up lights November first.”

It was crazy, maybe the most insane thing I’d ever done, and if anyone asked me what I did this evening, I wasn’t going to admit that I sat around watching holiday movies with an elf figurine.

Was this what loneliness did to a person?

I didn’t really care. Maybe the elf was lonely, and I was helping him out.

So, I sat watching Christmas movies with an elf figurine. He really needed a name. Something that matched his sparkle.

I hadn’t even realized that I had dozed off when my phone rang. The credits to the movie Elf were playing, and I still had the figurine in my hand.

Good golly, if my friends could see me now, they’d be glad they didn’t invite me on a cruise.

I found my phone and answered it. “Hello?”

“Walter, hey, I just wanted to give you a heads up,” my boss, Jim’s voice came from the other end.

“Heads up about what?” I said. If it was work-related, that couldn’t be good. I really didn’t want to deal with work.

“I didn’t realize this was happening. I’m not even sure it was in the plans, but—”

“But what? Layoffs? New account? What is it?”

“No, no. Nothing that bad. I mean, it’s a good thing, really.”

If it was so good, I doubted he’d bother calling me at nine in the evening to warn me.

“You have a new assistant starting Monday.”

“What?” I was one of the only senior accountants in the firm that didn’t have an assistant, and for good reason. I could manage my work on my own. I didn’t need anyone poking around in my files, popping their head into my office and bothering me. I managed just fine on my own, better even, since I didn’t have to babysit anyone. I didn’t like to have anyone assisting me. We’d tried it before. “Is this really the best idea? I’m going to be a dick to the poor kid, and they’re going to quit.” Great. I was going to hurt some poor kid’s feelings, and he was probably going to cry. I hated when they cried. Almost as much as I hated when they messed up my work.

“Hey, it came from upper management. There’s nothing I can do.”

I groaned. “Thanks for the heads up,” I said. “See you Monday.”

“Bye.”

Maybe it was time for me to turn over a new leaf.

It wasn’t like I meant to be rude to the assistants in the past. They fucked up my work and made it twice as hard. There was no room for error in what I did.

I picked up the elf figurine and placed it back on the mantle.

“Maybe you should be my assistant. You haven’t complained about me at all since you got here.”