Chapter Eighteen Amelia

EIGHTEEN

Excerpt from What to Expect When You Become a Vampire , Fifteenth Edition

Page 97: The Vampire’s Glamour

One of the most surprising things for many fledgling vampires to discover is that their fangs will only be visible to humans during times of extreme distress, when they are about to feed, and when they are sexually aroused. At all other times, a vampire’s involuntary glamour obscures their fangs from humans. This is widely seen as both an evolutionary advantage and an innate self-defense mechanism (after all, a human who doesn’t see fangs is less likely to try and stake and/or run away from a hungry vampire).

Amelia

The world had flipped on its axis.

My hands shot out to grip the edges of the table I still perched on. I clung to them like a lifeline, fingers clenching so hard my knuckles went white. If I’d had an ounce of self-preservation instinct, I would have jumped off that table right then and there and run screaming out the door, blizzard or no blizzard.

But I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I could hardly breathe.

I was too stunned to do anything but gape at him, horrified.

I wasn’t used to being wrong about much.

But oh, god—I’d had it all wrong about him.

The dark secret he’d been harboring wasn’t that he was between jobs, or was unemployed.

It was that he was a vampire.

During that middle of the night phone call, when I’d laughingly asked if he were some sort of murderer, thief, or a vampire, and he answered that yes, he was a vampire…

I’d only been kidding, of course. But he hadn’t been.

How was this possible?

I had to squeeze my eyes shut tight to fight off the waves of terror and revulsion running through me.

“You’re…you’re a vampire,” I finally managed. “Like, an actual vampire .”

He looked at me blankly. Which was fair. He’d probably— reasonably!— assumed we’d already covered this. “I mean…yes?”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I just…” I shook my head. I had to get out of there. I was breathing too fast, like I couldn’t take in enough air. Why couldn’t I get my body to move?

Reggie stared at me wide-eyed, scrutinizing my face. Whatever he saw there must have answered whatever questions he had, because his expression changed into something akin to horror. “You didn’t believe me when I told you. You thought I was joking.” He jumped away from me, as though terrified his touch would scald me. “Oh, Hades , Amelia—”

His sudden movement was all I needed for my muscles to finally unlock. I hopped off the table and sprinted to my bedroom, heart thundering in my chest.

I threw the door closed behind me and locked it, hoping that door locks worked on vampires.

·······

After a few moments of pacing my bedroom in a panic, my wits returned enough for me to start thinking things through.

Okay, yes. I was snowed in at my family’s Wisconsin cabin with a vampire. And yes , a few minutes ago he’d wanted to drink my blood as part of some kinky sex thing. But when I was finally able to quiet the shrieking sound in my head enough to string two coherent thoughts together, I realized that if Reggie wanted to kill or otherwise hurt me, he likely would have done it already.

I went to my door and double-checked the lock to make sure it was still in place. Regardless of how much danger I was actually in, a locked bedroom door seemed smart.

And, hell. I barely knew him. Maybe he was just waiting for the right opportunity to suck me dry.

In the meantime, I needed to research vampires and find out everything I could. I pulled my phone from the front pocket of my jeans and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the Wi-Fi was working. When a big storm hit up there, it sometimes went out for days.

I didn’t know where to start, so I typed VAMPIRE CHARACTERISTICS into the browser search bar and hoped for the best.

A lot of links popped up. There were tons of Reddit posts by people claiming to have had sex with a vampire, but I ignored those. That wasn’t the sort of information I was looking for— I wouldn’t be having sex with a vampire—and I suspected they made those stories up for clicks, anyway. It wasn’t until I got to the second page of results that I found something potentially useful: a website for an organization called The Upper-Midwestern Amateur Vampire Hunter Association.

How can you tell if the STRANGE person you just met isn’t just STRANGE but is also actually a VAMPIRE trying to blend into human society? A HANDY CHECKLIST:

Do they wear anachronistic or otherwise bizarre clothing?

Do they seem impervious to cold?

Do they recoil at the sight of sharp sticks?

Are they nocturnal? If so, do they have trouble remembering that not everybody else is?

Have you never seen them eat before? Like, not ever?

Do they require explicit permission before entering someone’s residence?

Do they have unusual magical abilities?

Do they have unusually prominent canine teeth?

Have they told you that they are a vampire?

If you can answer yes to one or more of the above questions that’s not conclusive proof that the person you suspect is a vampire is actually a vampire. But at a minimum, you should be on your guard, stock up on wooden stakes and garlic, and call us right away at 1-888-VAMPIRE for an informal and completely confidential consultation.

The skeptic in me rolled her eyes over the fact that there was apparently an upper-Midwestern amateur vampire hunting guild. But as I read the checklist, my innate skepticism couldn’t keep my stomach from twisting itself into a tighter and tighter knot.

I didn’t know about the sharp stick thing, but the rest of the list described Reggie to a tee.

I was the world’s biggest idiot not to have realized immediately that when he told me he was a vampire, he’d meant it literally.

“Fuck.” I buried my face in my hands, panic rising again. This was realigning my entire worldview with respect to what was real and what wasn’t. I wasn’t wired for this. I’d built my life and career around predictability and logic. Around things that made sense.

How was I supposed to process imaginary monsters coming to life and hanging out with me at my family’s cabin?

I couldn’t do this by myself.

I needed Sophie.

Hoping against hope that she was home and would pick up, I called her.

To my relief, she answered on the first ring. “Sooooo,” she crooned. “How’s it going up there, all alone and snowed in with your fake boyfriend? Have you kissed him yet?”

I groaned at the reminder. God, I’d let him put his tongue in my mouth. The same mouth he used to drink people’s blood! If he hadn’t asked if he could taste me and turned everything upside down, I might have slept with him, too.

Leave it to me to not even be able to fake date somebody without catastrophe.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I did kiss him,” I admitted. “And then things immediately got weird.”

“Weird?” Sophie said. “I love weird. Say more.”

In the background, I could hear music I vaguely recognized as the theme song to PAW Patrol . Suddenly, I felt bad about taking up Sophie’s time while her kids were still awake. “Are you sure you have time for this?” I asked.

“Marcus is handling bedtime,” she said. “Hearing about your weekend will be the best thing to happen to me this month. Now spill.”

“Reggie is a vampire.”

I told her every sordid detail. Afterwards, I had a fleeting moment of guilt because it was obvious Reggie didn’t share information about himself with everyone. But I needed Sophie’s help. Badly.

“Oh my god,” she said, when I was finished. “Reggie the hot man is actually Reggie the hot vampire. But not like those people on TikTok who think they’re vampires but are really just weirdos addicted to the online attention. A real vampire.” She started laughing. “I can’t believe this.”

I closed my eyes. “Tell me about it.”

“When you called, I’d hoped it was to let me know you’d gotten some badly needed sex.” She laughed again. “I’m both disappointed that that’s not why you’re calling but also more delighted than I’ve ever been in my life.”

I sighed, then flopped down on my bed and threw an arm over my eyes. “You’re handling the news that vampires are actually real very well.”

“There are a lot of strange people out there,” she said. “And Reggie seems stranger than most. I guess you could say I’m shocked but not surprised.”

“Fair enough,” I said. “Okay, so, what do I do?”

Sophie was quiet a moment. “I think it depends. Was he a good kisser? Do you want to get laid?”

Unbelievable. “That is not the point.”

“Sure it is.”

“Sophie,” I said, exasperated. “I am trapped in a house with a vampire . Until an hour ago, I thought vampires were imaginary and hadn’t thought seriously about them since all my high school friends were going through their Twilight phase. I am at a loss for what to do. Help me. ”

“It is definitely unexpected,” Sophie admitted. “And I know you struggle a lot when unexpected things happen. But he’s been so nice to you.”

I bit my lip, thinking of all the little kind and thoughtful things he’d done for me since I’d met him. The way he’d been outraged on my behalf over the lack of food options at Aunt Sue’s party. How he’d agreed to come along on this family Wisconsin trip in the first place, even though he didn’t have to. The way he’d gone out into a literal blizzard just to make sure I’d have enough to eat while we were trapped.

“He has been very nice,” I admitted.

“Before you found out he was a vampire, had he ever done something that made you frightened for your safety?”

That was easy. “Never.”

Sophie hummed. “Yeah, I really don’t think he wants to hurt you.”

It was a relief to hear that. “You don’t?”

“No,” Sophie said. “He’s had tons of opportunities to kill you or drink your blood in the past few days. But instead of doing either of those things now that you’re trapped in Wisconsin, he chose to play tonsil hockey with you instead.”

I snorted. “ Tonsil hockey ? Really?”

“But seriously,” she continued, ignoring my protest, “if a vampire you were trapped with wanted to hurt you, I’d have to think you’d already be dead.”

“That had occurred to me,” I admitted. “But then again, I hardly know this guy. Maybe he’s the sort of vampire who gets off on luring their fake dates into a false sense of security before killing them.”

A long pause. “Do some vampires do that?”

“I have no idea. But it seems plausible, doesn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Sophie said, sounding skeptical. “Tell me this, though. How did he react when he saw how frightened you were?”

I closed my eyes and thought of his horrified expression when he realized I hadn’t believed him, earlier.

“He’d thought I already knew he was a vampire,” I told her. “Which is valid. He’d tried to tell me the truth multiple times.” I’d just been too much of a linear thinker, too oblivious, to believe him. “I ran out of the room before I could find out for sure, but I think that when he realized I’d had no idea what he was, he felt really bad about it.”

“That doesn’t sound like someone who’s trying to lure you into his coffin so he can eat you.”

It didn’t. “You’re right.” I got out of bed and started pacing again. “But even if he isn’t going to kill me, what do I do ?”

“Do you want my honest opinion?”

I braced myself. “Yes. Please.”

“Once you feel calm enough to do it, talk to him,” she said. “And if you like what he has to say, see if he’s good at sex stuff beyond kissing.”

My cheeks flamed. “Talking to him sounds reasonable,” I agreed, ignoring the rest of her advice. “We’re going to be stuck here for a while.”

“Great,” Sophie said. “Do that. Then let me know how it goes. And now that that’s settled, I should go. I need to help with the kids, and I also need to let Marcus know he owes me ten dollars.”

“Why does he owe you ten dollars?” I asked, though I already suspected I’d regret it.

“We made a bet on whether you two crazy kids would get it on in Wisconsin.”

“I’m going to hang up now,” I said, pretending to be offended. But despite myself, I was smiling.