Chapter 33Janie

Chapter 33 Janie

I was grateful for the long time Emir took preparing coffees, the hiss of the milk steamer creating a sound barrier between us. I listened quietly as stories and details of Josh’s life in Auckland poured out, painting a picture I hardly wanted to look at.

“Dad wouldn’t get me new trainers because the baby needs all this stuff… and Caleb and Logan and all the others are making fun of me for having these super old shoes.”

“Your shoes are not old!”

“No, but they’re not like… everyone else has these new Air Jordans and I have the last season’s stuff. They’re obsessed.”

“Well, that’s stupid. Besides, aren’t you guys wearing identical school uniforms?”

“Not on the weekends. And last weekend, we went to Logan’s birthday party, and he had a hot air balloon and a pool party and—”

“Oh, my God! What happened to pizza and movies?”

Josh let out a long sigh. “Dad said if I want a big party, I have to pay for it myself. But everyone knows my birthday is coming up and they’re all expecting skydiving or something.”

“Why?”

“Because I told them.” His mouth twisted in shame. “I didn’t know we were out of money.”

“I’m sure you’re not out of money. But that does sound excessive.”

Josh hung his head. “I know.”

I didn’t mind that he’d decided to open up to Emir, but I also wanted to have that moment with him, alone. That’s how it had always been. Me and him, chatting at bedtime. I’d missed him so much.

I wrapped my son in a tight side hug. “It’s okay. I know how easy it is to get sucked into that world and feel like you need to compete with everyone. But you don’t. And maybe it’s better for you to live here for a while and hang out with friends who wouldn’t expect that much.”

He nodded. “Benji just wants pizza and a movie.” I heard the smile in his voice and squeezed him even tighter.

“Benji is a good friend.”

“I text him every time I sneak out to get a Big Mac,” he confessed. “But I don’t bring it into the house,” he added. “I promised Dad I wouldn’t do anything to upset Kelly.”

Poor Josh had been sidelined by Shaun’s new family. I knew Josh. It was his nature to be supportive. He stretched and bent every which way to accommodate others.

“Well, I bought your favorite cereal and lots of milk,” I said, gesturing at the bag of groceries sitting on the counter. “You’re a growing young man. You shouldn’t be on a restricted diet designed for a 35-year-old pregnant woman, just because it’s more convenient for her. I’ll talk to Shaun.”

“No! Don’t make me go back! I’ll work for my keep. I’ll look after Molly and all the animals if you let me stay.” His voice cracked.

Tear sprung into my eyes. “Oh, Josh. This is your home. You don’t have to work for me! It wasn’t my decision to send you to Auckland. I went along with it because your dad insisted the schooling was so much better and I was tired of fighting. I wanted a truce. I thought… I hoped it’d all work out. I miss you guys so much I’ve been miserable, but I thought I better get used to it because you’re growing up anyway and will move away from home. And you’ll have more opportunities in Auckland.”

The milk steamer quieted down, then started again. I glanced over Josh’s shoulder and caught Emir’s eyes. A hint of a smile on his lips. Understanding. My heart wobbled, everything inside me resembling jelly.

“I don’t care about the opportunities! I mean… I can always go back when I’m older, right? When I’m old enough to rent a house with some friends or something. Don’t make me live with them. With her.” His face twisted in pain.

“You’re going to have a little brother or sister, soon. They might need you.”

“Yeah, maybe. I promise I’ll visit. But can I go to school here?”

Emir arrived with the coffees. Josh’s posture straightened as he sipped his ‘adult’ drink. My heart squeezed. There was something so grown up about him, yet so fragile and vulnerable. I didn’t want to miss these moments. I remembered Alex going through the same phase, although he’d always been more boisterous and outgoing. He walked his own path whereas Josh tried to fit in. I recognized that quality in myself. Maybe that’s why I’d needed to move here and create a bit of distance between myself and the immersive world of media. Despite my age, I was just as vulnerable, just as easily sucked in, afraid of sticking out or being judged. Being called a cougar.

I cringed at the thought.

Emir joined us at the table, and we sipped coffees, taking turns to pat the excited Gru who jumped against our legs. The dog was beside himself having three people in the house. He must have been feeling lonely with me, just like I’d been. A few years ago, dealing with two growing boys in a smaller house in Auckland, I would have considered this level of solitude and space an absolute luxury. It was weird how quickly your perspective changed.

“So… I talked to Aria, and I think I’ll take some time off work this week. We’re in between productions so it’s not a critical time. And I think we’re ready for the party now, so we could do a day trip or something?” I studied their expressions.

I wanted us out of the house, somewhere nice and neutral where none of us had the home advantage or chores. If I kept working, Emir would be here, cooking for us and looking after my son. I knew he’d do it, but I couldn’t put him in that position.

“Day trip?” Emir repeated, lifting an eyebrow.

“Where?” Josh asked.

“We could go to the beach, or on a bush walk.”

“I can stay back and look after the animals if you want to go for a longer trip.” Emir gave me a tentative look.

I didn’t want to leave him behind. I didn’t want to miss a single moment with him, but I appreciated the offer. “I… I’ll think about it.”

Josh’s eyes flashed with caution. “As long as you’re not driving me back to Auckland.”

I drew a deep breath. I had to talk to his father. I couldn’t put it off any longer. It was Monday, and he wasn’t at school. We’d texted a couple of times, only to confirm Josh was with me and he’d stay over the weekend. They’d informed the school about his absence, but Shaun still expected him to return.

“I’ll call your dad,” I told Josh. “I have an agreement with him. If he wants you in Auckland, you have to go back. I can’t afford to go to court over this.”

It was the truth, and it was best he knew it. Josh’s mouth hardened into a straight line. I could tell he was fighting tears as he nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

I excused myself and picked up my phone from its charging station on the kitchen counter.

“Don’t fight with him,” Josh urged. “Be nice. You know how he gets.”

I nodded. I’d stroke his ego, even if it killed me.

When I got to the bedroom, with the door closed, it hit me. My new relationship hung in the balance. Whatever Shaun decided would seal our fate. If he agreed to let Josh move back to Napier, I’d have one son during school terms and the other one, or maybe both, during holidays. I’d be tied to this house with no chance to travel. If Emir couldn’t come to me, I’d never see him again. Not that I’d been planning to chase him across the globe, consciously. But it seemed my unconscious mind had made such plans without telling me, because the images of airplanes and suitcases flashed before my eyes as my phone-holding hand trembled.

“What is it? I’m busy.” Shaun barked.

“We need to talk about Josh.”

“Yeah. When is he coming back? He’s going to have to Uber himself from the bus station. I have no time to drive around this week.” His voice oozed irritation. “Honestly, I didn’t expect him to pull this sort of crap. It’s so out of character. Teenagers, eh?” He attempted a lighter tone, and my stomach tightened.

“How is he doing at school?”

“Fine. He made friends straight out of the gate, already got invited to some birthday parties and all. They got to go on a hot air balloon. The family owns a hotel chain, they’re a great connection.”

“So, you have no idea why he suddenly packed up and left?” I kept my voice neutral, even if my own irritation was quickly reaching the boiling point. “There were no signs at all?”

“No… I mean… no.” I heard the hesitation now, along with defensiveness.

He had no idea. Josh was the quiet one. He didn’t seek you out to share about his life. If you didn’t pay attention and give him time to talk, you missed everything.

“Sounds like you have a full plate, with the baby coming… congratulations, by the way. How’s the business?”

“Good. Yeah… It’s busy.” The silence stretched between us, punctuated by heavy breaths. “It’s been a bit stressful. We’ve avoided layoffs, so far, but it’s a bit touch and go. Long days. So I haven’t had a chance to catch up with Josh every day but Kelly is here twenty-four seven.”

“She must have a lot on her mind though, with the baby coming.”

I couldn’t believe how understanding I managed to sound, given the way my stomach turned at the sheer mention of her name.

“She’s pre-diabetic so she’s having to watch her diet.”

I steeled my nerves. “Ouch. That’s tough, especially with pregnancy cravings.”

“She’s handling it. It’s hard since she loves her sweets, but Kelly is so committed. She’ll do anything for the baby.”

I ignored the poorly veiled dig. I hadn’t been committed enough to follow him back to Auckland, committed enough to give up the farm and our country lifestyle. Not committed enough to sacrifice my dream and be the perfect wife he wanted—the one on TV with celebrity friends and a face held together with Botox. I’d wanted out, and I’d fought tooth and nail to make it happen. In my own way, I was just as responsible for our divorce. I’d held onto the house I loved, the animals, the peace and quiet of a small town. I had begun to relax, and nothing could make me return. We’d been stuck, both waiting for the other to yield. Eventually, I suggested a compromise—a place just outside Auckland, a job that didn’t stress me quite so much… but Shaun had already found a new woman to fill my role.

“That’s great,” I said, dragging myself up the high road by my bootstraps. “But it seems Josh has found it stressful to keep up with his new friends. Sounds like they’re expecting the latest gear, expensive parties, and gifts. If you’re having to tighten the belt, do you want him hanging out with these kids?”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad—”

“And he misses his friends down here. He wants to stay and finish the school year in Napier.”

“But… We agreed on Auckland Grammar. It’s the best in the country.”

“Sure. But, what if it’s not best for him?”

There. I’d made my argument. My heart pounded like after a half-hour Pilates session. I wanted to win this argument, yet I could barely take the pain that came with it.

After a long silence, Shaun spoke. The bullishness had seeped out of his voice. “So, you’d have him on school terms and…”

“And you could take him over the holidays. Or every other holiday, so that the boys can see each other here over some breaks. Whatever works best. Sounds like Alex is doing well?”

“He’s great. He’s loving the classes. They have so many extra-curriculars to choose from. He’s doing game design, animation, lots of things. I think he wants to play ice hockey. Can’t do that in Napier.”

“No, he can’t,” I conceded. I didn’t expect to get my firstborn to move back to the middle of nowhere. He was more like Shaun, who thrived in the city. “I’m glad he’s settled in so well. And believe me, this is not for me. I’m only suggesting it because I think it might be best for Josh.”

Shaun’s harrumph suggested he thought I was full of crap. “Obviously, I need to discuss this with Kelly, but if Josh is also keen to stay there, maybe we can work something out.”

His words punched me in the heart. “Thank you,” I choked. “I’ll look into the details and let you know.”

I ended the call, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. This is what it was to be a mother. It was time to send flighty dreams to the back of the queue and accept my lot.