Chapter 31Janie

Chapter 31 Janie

It was amazing how stepping into your favorite café could ground you. The moment my buttocks touched the worn wooden chair and the aroma of roasted coffee beans hit my nostrils, I felt like the old Janie Andrews—the one who made things happen and did it with a smile.

“You look different,” observed Aria, rendering my momentary sense of control completely void. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” I attempted to ooze inner strength as I took a sip of my espresso. The way it hit me on the way down induced an involuntary shake. “Oh, dear. I haven’t had one of these in a while!”

“We were here last Thursday.” Aria looked a little baffled.

“Yes, that’s right. It just feels like a long time ago.”

Everything prior to my relationship with Emir felt like a long time ago. Would I start marking time as ‘before’ and ‘after’ that man? Or would this all fade, like most things did? Even the divorce.

Aria waited, looking at me expectantly. I considered us friends now, but I was still technically her boss. She would never pressure me to open up, even if she suspected something.

“So, I’m looking at finishing work at the end of May. Cem has a new job in Istanbul, a local movie. They’re filming over the summer there, so I’ll tag along and escape the winter here.”

“Sounds like a good deal.”

She’d talked about quitting a few times, and I’d told her to follow her heart. It was a weird piece of advice—so easy to give, so hard to take. The only time I’d ever attempted to follow my heart was when moving to Napier. But my stupid heart had led me astray and left me lonely and broken.

“If the timing’s not good, I can stay a bit longer. If you need me to train someone new, or—”

“It’s fine. We’ll figure it out. You need to go with him. Be with him.” I waved a hand, but despite my best efforts, a lump swelled in my throat. I was losing my best friend.

Shit. She was my best friend. I’d left everyone behind when moving here. I had no friends of my own age. Nobody else I even truly liked. I’d been too preoccupied with my marriage to find new friends of my own or even stay in touch with the old ones. And then I’d lost all the couple friends. Everyone but Tabitha and Maree. But Aria had been there, sharing the office with me, sharing her tumultuous love story, seeking advice, and listening to my occasional life updates. She knew a lot about me, even if I tried to keep it light and not cry at work.

And if she was my best friend, why wasn’t I being honest with her? Was I so hung up on being this admired, relentlessly positive and resourceful woman that I couldn’t show my ugly, wobbly side to anyone? Except Emir, I thought with a start. I’d revealed my internal mess to Emir, and the world hadn’t ended. Instead, I’d found a connection. I’d found someone I desperately wanted to hang onto.

“I’m in love with Emir.” The words slipped out, almost without warning, followed by a stunned silence.

Gradually, a deranged, bubbly laugh rose from my belly, shaking my chest. “I’m not joking, it just sounds crazy. I’ve known him for a couple of weeks.”

Aria’s forehead wrinkled. “Why is that crazy? Is falling in love somehow time-based?”

I shook my head, staring at the fast-moving clouds outside the window. “That’s what he said. That we shouldn’t measure it in time… And I think he’s right in a way. Time is not linear. Years pass in a blink of an eye, and maybe nothing changes, but then there’re moments that change everything. It’s like they ripple the fabric of time and nothing’s ever going to be the same.”

Now I was basically quoting him.

“You’re serious,” she stated, staring at me wide-eyed. “I thought something was going on, but… holy shit!” Aria grinned, still staring at me. “This is amazing!”

“Amazing? No. This is a disaster! It’s impossible.”

Her smile wavered. “What do you mean?”

“My life, my kids, my farm… everything’s here. He must go back to Istanbul to sort out his father’s business. He’s not loaded like Cem, and neither am I. Our lives are not compatible.”

“Why not?”

I hung my head. “Josh just moved back home. I need to deal with that first. I need to put my child first.”

Aria let out a deep sigh. “Of course, you do.”

I tried to smile. “But that’s okay. Once you get to this age, especially if you go through a divorce, you realize a happily ever after is not a once and for all. Life is a series of seasons. People come along and they walk with you for a while. Maybe it’s not for that long, but it might still be important. And Emir’s so important. I know that.”

The pain on her face reflected in my chest, like she was giving me a permission to feel it. “And… how does he feel about it?”

Heat blossomed across my face. “He… uhm… he’s very serious. Talks about marriage. Silly man.”

Aria’s eyebrow lifted quizzically. “Okay. Emir is many things but he’s not silly.”

I smiled, rubbing my warm cheeks. “No, he’s not. But the idea of marriage when I’ve only just divorced…”

“But if he wants to marry you, he must have figured out how it could work. It can’t be that impossible. Sounds like he has a plan.”

“More like wishful thinking.” The same wishful thinking I saw in her eyes and felt in my heart. How we all wanted to believe in the fairy tale ending.

Aria took another sip of her coffee, her eyes pleading. “But… you can’t give up! You fight for love, right?”

I shrugged, gently drumming my nails against the espresso cup I’d already drained. For the first time in years, I wished I’d ordered a flat white. Something softer on my taste buds, slower to drink. For me, an espresso was all about efficiency. A quick caffeine hit, no time wasted. I’d lived my whole life at maximum speed, doing as much as I could. Taking on the next challenge when I was half-way through the previous one. Even moving to the countryside hadn’t truly slowed me down. I hadn’t turned into a laid-back person who took luxuriously long breaks. If anything, I was striving harder than ever on a tight budget, to prove to everyone I didn’t need any help.

“I don’t want to give up. I don’t even want to imagine a future without him. I want to slow down so much that clocks stop moving and the future never gets here. But I bet it’ll still find me.”

She nodded solemnly, but her mouth kept twitching and eyes sparkled. “I’m sorry, I just can’t help getting excited! The thought of you and Emir… I don’t know why it feels so right! Why does it feel so right?” Her brow wrinkled. “I mean, I hated him at first. He was so adversarial. Scary. But there’s something about him. He’s like this big, scary mystery to me and I always cringe when I see Cem teasing him… Like he’s sneaking into a dragon’s lair.” Aria blushed, suddenly looking horrified. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean like that. I know he’s not going to fire-breathe you to a crisp.”

I let out a wobbly laugh. “It’s okay. I know what you mean. He has that… quality.”

She cocked her head. “It’s weird, though. You’re the only woman I can think of who can rock up to a dragon and be okay.” She winced. “I’m so sorry. I have to stop using that metaphor!”

“If Emir decides to marry me, you should definitely speak at the wedding.”

I cringed at my own joke, which made laughing a little difficult.

Aria didn’t laugh either. Instead, her eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, I can’t help picturing it, and it’s beautiful.” She dabbed her eyes with a paper napkin. “But don’t mind me. I’m just terrified to move to Istanbul where I don’t know anyone and can’t speak the language… so I guess I’m clutching onto straws, hoping you’ll love him so much you’ll follow him there and I won’t be alone.”

“You’ll be with Cem!”

“You know what I mean. He’ll be working and I’ll be sitting in his giant house, hiding from his parents, trying to learn Turkish.”

“You’ll learn quickly! And I’ll miss you,” I said quietly. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t make any promises.

“And I honestly think I misjudged Emir. Yesterday, it felt like we were seeing behind the curtain, the way he looks at you... how he’s helping. I saw him vacuuming!”

“I know!” I shook my head, smiling at the memory.

“There’s nothing hotter a man can possibly do.”

“He’s also cleaned my kitchen and cooked for me.”

Aria looked like she’d seen a ghost. “Seriously? You’ve tamed the dragon. Okay, I’ll stop now. I promise.”

“It’s okay. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything, though. I feel like that’s who he is. He’s hellbent on doing the right thing, being helpful… maybe that’s why he’s talking about marriage. Because it’s the proper thing to do and it’d be disrespectful to not offer that level of commitment. Turkish men are more conservative.”

“Well, Cem doesn’t think like that. And that’s a good thing. I don’t want him to propose to me because he’s worried about my reputation.”

“He’s a celebrity, though. It’s a weird space of its own, even in the cultural context. A bit of a la la land, where people can get away with not following the rules.”

“Maybe… I’m just saying that he’s Turkish and wants to marry for love and not out of responsibility.”

“Of course! I’m sorry,” I said, seeing the hurt in her eyes. “I’m not implying anything like that. I can see he loves you. Truly.”

Her jaw jutted forward, and eyebrows lifted. “I saw Emir looking at you like that, too. I wasn’t sure if you liked him too or if he was just pining for you, but it was clear as day.”

My chest washed with warmth, and I expelled a breath. I couldn’t explain away Emir’s words or feelings, but did I want to?

“Do you know when Cem’s parents are coming back to town?”

“You mean Emir’s parents?” Aria gave me a knowing smile. “They’ll be back tomorrow. Why?”

“I’m thinking of taking a bit of time off this week. Work is quiet right now. The house is in good shape so we should be ready for the party. I’ll just fire off some emails today and I’ll be contactable—”

“Of course! Go, spend time with Emir. And your son! How is he?”

“He’s not happy in Auckland and wants to move here. Which means I have to deal with his father.” My lungs deflated with a deep sigh. “The timing couldn’t be worse.”

“Or maybe it’s good? You can do a test run of living under the same roof with them both.” She gave me a cheeky smile.

“Oh, dear.” My heart squeezed and I fought to keep the emotion contained. I couldn’t let myself dream that far. It’d hurt so much more.

I got up. “We better get to work.”

Aria followed me. Once we made it to the sidewalk, I stopped, turning to face her. “Thank you for listening to me.”

“Any time.”

We hugged so tight my lungs flattened. I was a little jealous of her easy happiness, her freedom to travel and plan her life with Cem, yet I was so lucky to have someone to talk to who understood. I wouldn’t let us drift apart.

I spent a couple of hours in the office, returning phone calls and emails. Around lunchtime, I drove back home. Turning on my driveway, I saw Josh outside the stables, brushing Molly. Relief flooded my body as I stopped the car and lowered the window. “You found her!”

He waved at me, shouting back across the gooseberry bushes. “She was eating cabbage in Mr. Pattison’s garden. But he doesn’t know. Emir distracted him and I snuck her out.”

“Wow. Great teamwork!”

Josh’s proud smile shone like a beacon, even across the distance. It was the first one I’d seen on his face since he’d arrived.

“Are you hungry?” I asked. Come up and I’ll fix us something.”

“I think Emir’s cooking. But I told him I’d be back in fifteen, so I’ll see you soon!”

Emir’s cooking? I glanced at the digital clock on the dashboard. 12:04 p.m. I’d told him I’d be back around lunchtime to feed Josh. I’d even picked up some groceries on the way, to make sure I had ingredients for my son’s favorite meals stashed for the week.

An uneasy feeling brewed in my stomach. Looking after my son was my job. I couldn’t let Emir settle in and become someone we relied on, only to leave behind a crater when he left.