Chapter 27Janie

Chapter 27 Janie

I spent the entire drive explaining to myself why this wasn’t a big deal. Emir had that weird intensity about him. That’s how he talked. It didn’t mean anything.

It was only a dinner. Nothing flash, nothing particularly attention-grabbing. If someone saw us and rumors started spreading, so what? I’d deal with it later. Besides, nothing was going on, at least on the outside. He was helping me with a documentary. We had a reason to be seen together, not that it should have mattered.

I parked along the beach road. Napier was beautiful on an average day, but that evening, the scenery was dramatic. The darker clouds had rolled in, but the golden sun still streamed through, like arguing with the impending storm. I could have chosen a more secluded spot to avoid running into anyone I knew, but my heart won.

“This is my favorite place,” I told him, gesturing at the unremarkable brown building.

I led Emir towards the beach, thinking we could slip in from the ocean side, unnoticed. But I didn’t account for how recognizable my car was.

We were halfway across the stretch of grass when I heard the shrill voice. “Janie! Janie!”

I turned around and found Tabitha picking across the grass in her heels, waving her hand. Having caught my attention, she stopped, sinking one ice pick heel into the soft ground, awkwardly tilted to one side.

“She’s the lady that visited you, right?” Emir hissed. “I recognize her voice.”

“Yep.” I cast him an apologetic look. “You can go ahead if you want, and I’ll talk to her. It won’t take long.” I wouldn’t let it.

“You don’t want to be seen with me?” Emir smoothed his hair and shirt, as if something might be wrong with his impeccable presentation.

I felt the sting of shame all through my being. I couldn’t treat him like this. It wasn’t right. “No. I just wanted to spare you.”

My stomach wound itself into a tight ball of nerves as I approached Tabitha. By the time we reached her, she’d managed to extract her heel and tiptoed back to the concrete path, smiling sheepishly. “That’ll teach me,” she grumbled, pulling a packet of wet wipes from her purse to clean her shoes.

“I know. Those things sink in like tent pegs.” I hid my smile, thinking that her metallic heels looked a lot like tent pegs.

“I was waving like mad and calling your name, but you didn’t hear me.”

“Sorry.”

Her heels cleaned and back on, Tabitha wiped her hands and brushed her flowery blouse, turning to my companion. “I don’t think we’ve met.”

She made it sound like an accusation.

Emir stuck out his hand like a true gentleman, leaning in to kiss Tabitha on both cheeks. “Emir Erkam. Pleased to meet you.”

An odd flush of jealousy darkened my thoughts. I’d seen his family greet each other like this, but he’d never done it with me. When we’d first met, he’d been holding that camera, though.

Tabitha tried to cover her blush by fussing with her hair. “Tabitha Tubbs. I’m Janie’s friend.”

“Me too.”

“Oh. I haven’t seen you around. Heard a rumor, but…”

My heart drummed in my throat. “What rumor?”

Tabitha turned to give me a tired look. “Oh, come on. It’s a small town. So, this must be the mysterious stranger?” She threw a sideways glance at Emir.

It was a small town, but that didn’t make any sense. “Did Len tell you about our date?”

I’d relied on his discretion, thinking that as a pastor he was used to keeping confidences, even though I hadn’t specifically asked. I hadn’t texted him at all since the date, which was terrible of me. But so much had happened since then that I’d all but forgotten about poor Len.

Tabitha’s mouth opened a couple of times before any words came out, her tone defensive. “He played golf with Adrian early this morning. They always do on Sundays, well before church. You didn’t reply to my text so of course I asked Adrian to find out how the date went. You must understand why I’m curious. I know both of you and I set you up. I feel invested.” She cast me a hurt look.

I drew a deep breath despite the elephant sitting on my chest. “Of course.”

Tabitha’s eyes flicked at Emir again, even more hurt. “I just thought you and Len were so compatible. He’s so lovely.”

“He is. Absolutely. We had a nice dinner.”

Tabitha smiled back, thawing a little. “Well, that’s good. And I wasn’t expecting an update from you, immediately. But in due time… I thought Len might cancel the golf game this week if the date went well.” She wiggled an eyebrow.

I folded my arms, the feeling of betrayal gnawing my gut. “So, he told your husband all about it this morning?”

Tabitha’s eyebrows stopped wiggling and flew up. “Oh, no! Len is very discreet. Adrian said it took a lot of prying to get a few words out of him. He said that there was someone else in your life.”

“Someone else?” I tried to look sufficiently confused. “Nah… It just didn’t… I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” I glanced up at Emir, wishing we could both step through a portal and enter another dimension, where I could properly apologize to him. I could feel his eyes on me, trying to understand my evasive words. But he didn’t know Tabitha.

I shuffled my feet, looking for the right parting words, when Tabitha zeroed her interest back on Emir.

“So, Emir, where’s that accent of yours from?”

“Turkey.”

Tabitha turned to me, lowering her voice. “Is he in the country legally? Permanently?”

“Yes and no,” Emir replied on his own behalf. I could tell he was irritated.

“He’s visiting his brother, who’s engaged to my dear friend. I’m hosting their engagement party,” I explained, hoping this was enough information to satisfy Tabitha’s boundless curiosity.

“Oh, that’s nice of you, Janie! And how’s it going with Gus? Has he been helpful?”

“Yes, very helpful. He just did some drone shots for me this afternoon.”

“Good. Good.” Tabitha nodded, looking pleased. “I just knew he’d be a good fit. I’ve been told I have a gift when it comes to matching people. I can always tell who’ll hit it off.”

My face hurt from the effort of maintaining a friendly smile. “Sure. If you’ll excuse us, I promised to shout Emir dinner since he also did some filming for me.”

Tabitha’s eyes brightened. “Oh, so he’s working for you. That’s wonderful. How’s the documentary coming along?”

“Great. I’m putting together a little teaser to pitch it to a few people, to secure some funding.”

Tabitha’s mood improved even more. “So, it may not go ahead then? Because we missed you at the Art Deco Gala meeting.”

I sighed. “Pete from our film office was interested in it, too. I might send him in to represent me if that’s okay.”

I could tell from her face that it wasn’t okay, but she gave a courteous nod. “It’s just that we need people who’re good on camera for the social media bits. Helen and Barb were hoping you’d be available to present, even if you can’t make it to every meeting.”

“I’ll… check my schedule.”

Tabitha plastered on a wide smile. “You do that.” She turned to Emir. “Very nice of you to help Janie on a Sunday like this. So, you’re a filmmaker?”

“No.”

“But handy with a camera, obviously?”

“Yes.”

“And… are you staying in town with your brother?”

“No.”

Emir’s monosyllabic answers threatened to erode Tabitha’s brilliant smile, but she fought to keep it up. “I trust you’re enjoying Napier?”

“Yes.”

At this stage I knew he was doing it on purpose. I did my best to hide my amusement.

“Well, that’s good at least. How long are you here for?” Tabitha propped a hand on her hip, eyes sharp. No more yes/no questions it seemed.

“Two weeks.”

“And are you traveling around New Zealand? I mean… what’s your itinerary?”

“No.”

I had to clamp my lips together to keep from laughing. I tracked backwards until I entered the grass. “I hope you excuse us. We’re both starving. We didn’t have a proper lunch and our breakfast wasn’t that filling either.”

“ Our breakfast?” Tabitha followed us to the edge of the lawn, her eyes flashing with interest, and I wanted to bite my tongue for misbehaving.

“No… I mean it’s been a long day…” I glanced at Emir for confirmation.

“Yes,” he said.

A vein in Tabitha’s neck ticked like a time bomb. Catching me with a strange Turkish guy must have been the scoop she’d been hoping for all year. The juiciest piece of gossip in town, especially as she connected the dots with whatever Len had revealed about our date. I could tell she was desperate for more and we were about to slip out of her reach.

Worried that she’d follow us to the restaurant, I took a step closer, dropping my voice to sound like I was speaking in confidence. “Let’s have a proper catchup soon, okay? I’ll call you.”

She answered with a meaningful nod, eyes wide and animated. “Perfect. Let’s.”

Casting one last look at Emir, she sailed away with her head held high.

I gazed up at him too, feeling terrible. “I’m sorry about the third degree. She’s relentless.”

Emir’s face was unreadable. “She wanted to know if we’re together.”

“I know.” I looked away, feeling squeamish under his gaze. Was he hurt I hadn’t announced us sleeping together to the worst gossip in town?

“And now she’s going to go through her contact list to find someone else to set you up with.” Emir nodded at Tabitha’s trim figure teetering on the sky-high heels.

I opened my mouth to protest, but immediately ran out of steam. Because he was right. That’s exactly what Tabitha would do.

“Well, you told her you’re here for two weeks. If I told her I’m dating you, it’d be like announcing a holiday fling. Is that what you want?”

Emir studied me for a moment. “No.”

I groaned. “What is it that you want then?”

He didn’t smile, but somehow, his eyes smiled. “I want to have dinner with you.”

We stepped into the restaurant. All the tables were taken, but I spotted a couple of couches and a coffee table on the terrace.

“Mind if we sit here?” I asked him, plopping down on the couch. “You can say no, I’m just testing the cushions.” I grinned up at him.

“If this is your favorite place, I would expect you’re pretty familiar with the cushions already.” He sat across from me, grabbing one of the menus the quick-moving server thrusted on us.

We ordered the daily special, whiptail.

“Are you sure it’s fish?” Emir asked when the waitress left. “It’s not like… lizard?”

I chuckled at his expression. “I’m pretty sure they don’t serve lizard anywhere in New Zealand.”

We sat at the restaurant until sunset, ordering desserts and talking. I could tell he was building up to something, but taking his time, drawing it out. I didn’t mind. I wanted the evening to last forever. I never wanted to arrive at the hard questions—I already knew they’d steal away this mellow feeling brought on by a glass of wine and the peachy hues of sunset. I loved listening to his deep voice and those throaty consonants of his accent, the eloquence of his speech. We talked about anything safe. Books. Movies. Language. Culture. I loved his carefully considered opinions, balanced views and references to data. Emir didn’t base anything on a hunch. He read and studied and seemed to absorb everything. I thought of myself as well versed in current affairs, but he kept surprising me. Where my knowledge was broad and light, Emir’s was digested and deep.

After he finished explaining the ins and out of Turkey’s dreadful economy, the conversation came to a lull. I saw the shift in him before he even opened his mouth.

“How are you, Janie?” He asked, leaning forward. “I know I’ve caught you right after a divorce. You’ve been hurt.”

“So have you.”

He nodded. “But mine’s not that fresh.”

I thought about it. He was right. We were all products of our environment and circumstances, and what a product I was. “It’s true. You caught me at my worst. The last two years have been tough. I feel like I’ve gone from one low to the next. And maybe that’s why I’ve been acting so out of character. I don’t jump into bed with my house guests… I don’t even have house guests, or flirt with drunken idiots… I’m not proud of how I acted. It’s not okay.” I hid my face behind my hands, trying to compose myself.

We’d had such a lovely time, moments I’d never forget, but he could see how out of control I was. Up and down. Fragile. I was in no condition to date anyone.

“That’s not what I’m getting at, Janie.”

I sniffed behind my finger wall. “But it’s true. I should work on myself before I even dream about dating again.”

“When is that magical time going to come? When is anyone ready? You can’t work out your issues in isolation and then present yourself to society all healed and perfect. If it worked that way, I’d be healed and perfect.” He huffed, looking away. “I met you at your most vulnerable, and I’m forever grateful for that, because at any other moment in your life, you wouldn’t have looked at me twice.”

My head jerked up at the suggestion and I dropped my hands to my lap, revealing the tears I couldn’t hide. I couldn’t hide my smile, either. “I would have! You’re very noticeable, Emir. You know that, right?”

He looked sad. “I’m used to working behind the scenes. People don’t ask me questions about my life, or my thoughts on anything. The way you look at me and talk to me…” He rubbed his forehead, and my heart wobbled. “This probably sounds lame, but I feel like I’m trying to make sense of who I am. I haven’t told these stories about myself. I’ve told them about Cem. I could talk about him for hours because that’s what everyone wants to hear. But I don’t talk about me. And every question you ask me, every thought we exchange that doesn’t involve my brother, I struggle, because I’m answering it for the first time.”

I noticed color rising to his cheeks and his eyes burned with sincerity.

“It gets easier. I’m interviewed all the time. I know how to recite these stories about me. Once you tell your story a hundred times, it rolls off your tongue without a second thought. We end up becoming the stories we tell about ourselves. If you haven’t told your story for a while, you have a chance to tell a new story.”

“That’s what dating is, isn’t it? Packaging yourself in some kind of digestible format.”

I let out a deep sigh. “And that’s why it’s so exhausting.”

“The things that happened to me… the engagement, managing Cem, even the family business… I’ve been thinking of them as things I failed at.” He picked up a saltshaker and placed it on the table between us, staring at it. “Things I put in this silo in my mind that I never wanted to think about again. But they led me here. Maybe everything had to happen that way, in that exact order. Because I feel more alive than before, like I’m breathing in more air.” He held my gaze almost desperately. “I can’t go back to how things were. How I was.”

“Then don’t. I love seeing this side of you. It’s a privilege to peek inside your silo.” I grabbed the saltshaker and sprinkled some salt on my palm, then swiped it with my finger and had a taste. “You are endlessly fascinating, Emir. Back in the day, I would have loved to interview someone like you.”

He scoffed so softly it was half-way to laughter. “I’m glad I never saw you on TV. I would have dismissed you. I don’t trust… actresses. I didn’t trust you at first. I thought your smile was fake.”

I had to laugh. “I think it is, sometimes, but I can make myself feel better by smiling.”

“I can see that now. I wish I could do the same.”

“Maybe you just need practice.”

His mouth curved a little and I cheered. But I felt the truth in his earlier words. There was so much faking in this world. “I don’t particularly trust people in the media either. There are some good ones but twice as many with giant egos. That’s partly why I wanted out. I wanted something more authentic.”

“Me, too.”

“What was it like,” I asked, “all that media circus around your brother? Life of luxury and celebrities?”

“We didn’t grow up rich. Cem… he’s our goose with the golden eggs. I saw the potential and I wanted to see if he could be the one in a million. I never imagined it would turn out that way. And when it did, I think I got caught up with all that. Growing it. Maintaining it. Maintaining him. You must understand that Cem is, he always was, a bit sheltered. He didn’t have to worry about money. He probably doesn’t even remember the time our father’s business nearly went bankrupt. He was pretty thrown by the sudden fame. It was a lot to deal with. So, I dealt with most of it. I saw the ugly side, the leeches, and the inflated egos. It’s a tough business, I’m sure you know.”

“I do.”

“So, why is this place your favorite?” He asked, examining the array of fingerprints on the glass table.

I bit my lip, staring at the pile of paper napkins. It wasn’t the fanciest place, but that was part of the charm.

“I think it’s because of the view, as much as the food.” I nodded at the horizon where the last glow of sunset still lingered. “And the fact that it’s within my budget. Anything with tablecloths is out of the question right now.”

“I completely understand.” He leaned his elbows on his knees, running his fingers through his hair. “I need to sort out my finances, which means turning my father’s antique business around. It’s turning a profit, but only just. The whole place needs an overhaul.”

“And it’s in Istanbul.” It wasn’t a question, I just needed to hear that sentence out loud.

“It’s in Istanbul,” he repeated, voice heavy, eyes full of regret as he turned to stare at the vast ocean.

Maybe he needed to hear himself say it, too.

I picked up one of the paper napkins and started folding it into a swan. “I could try to make the farm more profitable. Grow more food, keep more animals. I just don’t think I have it in me. Maybe that’s why I jumped on this documentary idea. If I can sell that…” I sighed because I hadn’t thought any of it through. “I don’t know. I can live on my salary from running the film office. It’s easy and fun. But it doesn’t pay enough for travel.” I glanced up at him, holding my breath. “I’d have to move back to Auckland, try to get back on TV.”

I shuddered at the thought of those early mornings. The constant stress and scrutiny. Even with all the uncertainties of my current situation, life was a lot more relaxed right now. “It took me decades, but I’ve finally learned to value my own wellbeing. I might have some clout left I could capitalize but can’t go back.”

“I understand.” He turned back to me, his mouth a straight line. “I’m not asking you to uproot your life. If I had a place like yours, a life like yours, I wouldn’t move back into the city, either. I don’t even want to think about going back to Istanbul. The people. The noise.” He exhaled a low growl. “But I have no choice. I have to get my affairs in order. I have to make something of myself. I can’t ask you to marry me like this, with nothing to my name.”

Someone must have whacked me with an invisible ping pong paddle because my lungs suddenly flattened. “M-marry me?” I choked out, blinking like an idiot.

He reached across the table to place his thumb on my forehead, just like I’d done on him. “Don’t look so confused. I told you this is not casual.” It was only when he stroked my skin that I realized how deeply I was frowning.

“But you’re going back. I’m staying here. Whatever you want to call this, it’s not… marriage material.”

“Our time might be short, but I’m not giving you up. I couldn’t.”

“Are you saying you want a long-distance relationship?”

His headshake was swift, eyes hard. “No. I don’t want that. But it’s the last option on the table.”

I nodded, blinking away tears that threatened to spill on my floppy napkin swan. I set it on the table between us. “Apart from breaking up.”

What had felt so possible at night, fell apart in daylight. I’d known it yet refused to see it.

He picked up the swan, gently supporting its floppy head with his finger. “You can break up with me, Janie. I won’t break up with you.”