Chapter 18Janie

Chapter 18 Janie

I dropped my half-eaten pizza slice, my insides sloshing, a fresh lump in my throat. This man was impossible.

“You don’t want to date me,” I hissed. “Ergo, you have no say. You can’t just barge in here in the middle of my date and tell me that. I had to lie to him. I told him I had a weird feeling I parked in a handicap spot. I don’t think he believed me.” I glanced over my shoulder, cringing at the thought of going back in there.

There was nothing wrong with Len, but there was something seriously wrong with me. I was spending time with another man during our first date. There was no coming back from this. Len and I were doomed. But that didn’t mean I had a future with the dark Turkish man currently staring at me, his eyes like storm clouds, the crease on his forehead so deep he’d soon have to start cleaning it with a Q-tip.

I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down, chest rising and falling. The black dress shirt he wore made him look even more menacing. So sexy. So infuriating. “Why was he holding your hand?”

I blinked several times, trying to hop onto his train of thought. “Len? You mean Len?”

“His name is Len? Like… Leonard?”

“No, I think it’s just Len. I’m not sure. Why?”

“Sounds like half a name.”

I rounded my eyes in mock outrage. “Well, he’s not as tall as you, so he doesn’t get a full four letters.”

The corner of his mouth twitched, and I held my breath. Would there be a smile? Please, God, let there be a smile! But the twitching settled, and his eyes hardened again. “Why was Len holding your hand?”

My lungs deflated, irritation coiling in my gut again. “Are you seriously asking me that?”

He shrugged, maintaining the indignant look in his eyes. “It’s a bit… forward on the first date, isn’t it?”

“Forward?” My eyes rounded in disbelief. “He’s a pastor. He practically has a degree in hand holding! I was upset and talking about my divorce. He held my hand. How is that forward? You haven’t taken me out once and we’ve dry humped against my bedroom wall.”

“He’s a pastor?” Emir’s eyes flashed with alarm. He pushed the plate of pizza towards me. “Please, eat.”

I huffed. “This is not a date, Emir.” I wagged my finger between us. “This is me blowing off my date. I have to go back there, soon.”

He looked away, seemingly embarrassed. Then his gaze returned, burning with passion. “I don’t think I’m making myself understood. What I’m asking is… how is it going? Are you enjoying this date? Is there going to be a second date?”

I briefly considered making him suffer, but he looked so desolate I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him. “Emir. I ditched my date to sit here with you. There’s no coming back from this. I can’t build anything new with this guy when I’m acting like this. I’m angry with you, but I’m furious with myself.”

He nodded. “I’m sorry I ruined it for you.”

I got up. “I’m going to go back in and thank him for a lovely evening, make up an excuse, and then I’ll give you a ride home. It’ll be the second time I’m lying to a pastor. I’ll be going to hell. I hope you’re happy.”

He stood up and blocked my way. “Don’t lie. Tell him the truth.”

“And what would that be?”

“That you’re not available.”

I took a step closer, placing my hands on his chest. “Why am I not available?”

“Because you’re here with me.”

I sighed. “I’m a stupid woman.”

He pulled me into him, leaning his forehead against mine. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish I was more like my brother. He’s a leaper. But I’m not like that. I keep looking ahead, and I can’t figure out how to make it work. Which means we must prepare for the end.”

I pulled back, giving him a pointed look. “How about we have the middle first? If you keep thinking like that, you’ll never experience anything. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

He threw out his arms, eyes thunderous. “Then, tell me how it’s going to work! I fly back to Istanbul. You stay here. We meet up in the middle once a year?”

I dragged my bottom lip between my teeth, frustration coursing through me. I folded my arms, staring back at him defiantly. “I don’t know. Sometimes life surprises you.”

“How, Janie? Will the continents move? Will my parents suddenly embrace the idea that both of their children live on the other side of the world? What about your sons, Janie? I haven’t even met them, but I bet they’d like to have their mother around.”

I hung my head, defeated. Because he was right. All I had was an unfounded faith in things miraculously working out. That was my nature, just like the cold practicality was his. Yet, he wanted me. I could feel it, and the thought gave me hope.

“Maybe we could have a fling?” I winced at the words as they floated out into the warm night air. “People have flings.”

“I don’t.” He shook his head, eyes drawn. “I mean, I haven’t been with anyone since…” His voice fizzled out.

There was a story there, and I’d pry it out of him. I had to. I had to know what I was up against.

I handed him my car keys. “My car is just around the corner.” I pointed past him at the next street corner. “Wait for me.”

Bracing myself for impact, I stepped into the restaurant. Len sat at our table, browsing his phone.

“I thought you ditched me,” he said with a wide smile as I appeared in front of him.

Len knew how to smile, I thought with a pang. His current grin was tinged with panic, but it was there. I’d seen his entire set of teeth during our first dinner.

“No, I’m not ditching you, but I have to go. I got a call from my son. He needs to talk… he sounded quite upset. I promised I’d call him back soon. Thank you for the dinner, it’s been lovely.” I took a step back, smiling like my life depended on it.

It wasn’t a total lie. I did need to call my sons and check how they were doing with the idea of a new sibling. Shaun had insisted everyone was thrilled, but I had my doubts.

“I understand. Kids come first.” He stopped at the bar to settle the bill, refusing my credit card, then followed me to the door. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

I nearly threw up in my mouth. “No, no! You don’t have to. It’s right around the corner.”

“It’s dark out there. Of course, I will.” He held the door for me.

My stomach in knots, I led him down the street towards my car. How could I get rid of him before he saw the Turkish man in my passenger seat? There was absolutely no explanation I could give for the presence of Emir.

This was a nightmare.

I stopped a few meters away from my vehicle, gesturing at it. “Made it here safely, thank you!”

Len’s eyebrows sailed up. “That’s a nice ride!” He stepped closer to investigate my Lexus, its golden paint shimmering under the streetlight.

Why couldn’t my car be a boring-as-fuck silver Prius? My stomach tightened into a hard ball as Len ran his hand along the roof, muttering something in appreciative tone.

From my vantage point, I could see the exact moment Emir noticed him. His eyes flashed and he knocked on the window, casting a furious glare at Len. The pastor yelped, stumbling backwards. “There’s a man! Janie, there’s a man in your car!”

“I know. It’s Emir. My… farmhand.”

“Farmhand?”

Emir stepped out, joining us on the footpath. “You must be Len.”

He stuck out his hand, and Len shook it, looking like he’d seen a ghost.

“Emir Erkam.”

Len introduced himself. Then he took a breath, turning to me. “Janie. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I’m having a hard time understanding why your… farmhand is sitting in your car while you’re out on a date.” He scanned Emir’s outfit, taking in the shiny, black shirt and dress pants. Absolutely nothing about him said ‘farmhand’.

I winced. “He needed a ride back from town, so I said he can wait in my car. Sorry, I should have told you. I bumped into Emir outside when I checked on my parking.”

Emir nodded. “I don’t have a car. I’m only visiting New Zealand. From Turkey.”

Len tilted his head, still confused. “Ah, okay. That’s far.”

“Anyway, we need to go. Thank you again. It was lovely to meet you.” I offered Len my hand, but he pulled me into a hug.

Over his shoulder, I caught the look on Emir’s face, and it made my blood chill. As Len released me, he caught my eye, and smiled.

Please don’t say we should do this again sometime.

“We should do this again sometime.” Len’s eyes shone with hope.

“No, you won’t.” Emir’s deep, low growl stole the air from my lungs.

I staggered away as Emir stepped in front of Len, towering over him. “You should stay away from her, for your own good.”

“Who is this guy?” Len demanded as I retreated around my car and slipped behind the wheel. “Janie?”

I was too mortified to answer, and so angry I immediately decided to leave Emir behind to make his own way back. But he was quicker, catching the door handle as I released the handbrake, sliding into my moving car as I reversed and turned to get out of the tight parking spot.

My face burned as I sped down the road, tears streaming down my face. “Emir!” I screamed at him. “What the fuck was that?!”

“I’m sorry.” His voice came out so strained I barely heard it. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you? An ape? Who does that?”

“I’m sorry, Janie. But you were too nice. You were encouraging him. He would have kept calling.”

“So what? You don’t think I can turn him down if I want to? I don’t need some prehistoric idiot with an underdeveloped frontal cortex protecting me! I’m not yours. You don’t get to do that. Do you understand?”

He didn’t reply, but from the corner of my eye, I saw him nod. In the light of the passing streetlights, I noticed his eyes glisten, and felt a weight on my chest. What was he doing to me?

“Even if we were together, I’d hate that caveman shit,” I added, but my voice had lost its edge and came out more sad than angry.

“I don’t know why I… I’m sorry, Janie. I just couldn’t take it. I don’t want this guy around you.”

“He was perfectly pleasant and respectful and behaved a whole lot better than you. So, tell me, what is wrong with him?”

Emir looked out the window, his voice distant. “Nothing.”

“So, you just don’t want any man around me?”

“Stop the car, Janie.”

Despite the rage shaking my body, I found myself slowing down and pulling over on the side of the road. We were just outside of town, with no more streetlights. Was he going to get out and slam the door? I waited; my muscles seized in a full-body cramp. As much as he riled me, I didn’t want him to leave me alone.

“Now what?” I asked when he didn’t move.

In the dark, I could barely see his face. After a moment, I noticed the crescent moon and my eyes adjusted to its low light, making out his features. The moonlight reflected off his eyes, begging me to keep watch.

He blinked, staring ahead, mouth a straight line.

“I want to be someone else. Someone who could take a chance on this… whatever is happening between us. But I’m not. I thought I’d someday get back to dating, but not like this. Not here. Not—”

“With someone like me? I’m older than you, Emir. Is that a problem? My kids are grown. You must be looking for someone younger, to start a family with.”

That was it. I could never have him, for real. The only thing I could imagine was a fling, and even that might not be in the cards.

His shook his head slightly, looking at his hands. “I never saw myself with a family. Even my mom knows that. She’s pinned her hopes on Cem. But I’ve been burned before, and it’s hard to take the leap when you know how much the crash-landing hurts.”

I reached for his hand. His fingers curled around mine. “What happened?”

We sat in silence for a long time. When I’d all but given up hope, Emir spoke. “I was engaged to be married. Her name was Hande. She was beautiful, talented. An actress. I met her on set when visiting Cem. I should have known. She played a minor role on his show. I thought she loved me for me, but it turned out she was in love with my brother. I was the consolation prize. I mean, it makes sense. He’s the movie star. I’m the brother who looks a bit like him. I only wish I’d found out earlier, before I proposed, and we got the families involved. We were only a week away from the wedding when I found the photos. She had an entire folder of Cem on her phone. Every fucking angle.”

I held my breath. “How did you find them?”

“She’d been acting a bit odd. Everyone told me it was the wedding jitters or something, but then Burcu, my brother’s co-star, came to see me. She said she’d noticed something on set, told me to look through Hande’s phone. I didn’t want to. I said I trusted her. But Burcu insisted. So, I did it, to prove her wrong. And that’s when I found them.”

“So, you confronted Hande?”

“She confessed immediately, like she’d been holding it in and was relieved to finally tell me. She’d been in love with Cem for years. That’s why she’d taken the role on my brother’s show and of course it killed her to watch Cem and Burcu become an item.”

“How did she manage to hide it? You must have spent a lot of time together. I don’t think I could ever do that. I struggled with keeping it together for one date.”

“What are you talking about? You looked at him like he hung the moon.”

“Did I?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Or do you just feel like that because you saw him as a threat? We’re pretty polite here in New Zealand and the way I responded to him would come across as not that keen. The way you responded, on the other hand…” I raised my brows and stared him down until he grunted.

“Yeah, I get it. Psycho.”

“Well, I’m way too polite to say that, but thank you.”

“Why do you have to smile at him, though?”

He frowned, biting his bottom lip, and the thought struck me. “That’s what your fiancé did, right? She felt conflicted or uncomfortable and covered it up with a smile. Because that’s what we do. We use our smile as a shield, to cover up how we’re truly feeling, so we don’t burden other people. We use our smile to put everyone at ease.”

He stared at the dark windshield. “Or to mislead them.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t psychoanalyze your past relationship. I’m not a professional.”

“I acted psycho, so I think we’re even. And she smiled a lot. She had a beautiful smile. When she smiled, I ignored everything else.”

“Did you… smile back?” I leaned in, my heart lodged in my throat. The sheer privilege of hearing his story had me shivering.

He shrugged, giving me a rueful look. “I must have. Nobody complained about my face like they do now.”

“So, it’s in muscle memory,” I said, brushing my thumb across the side of his lips, coaxing the corner of his mouth upwards. “Just hiding.”

“Why are you so intent on me smiling? You said we use our smile to cover up what’s really going on. I prefer honesty. Be yourself and anyone who’s worth knowing will stick around.”

I held his gaze. “I’ve never faked a smile with you. I smile because I’m fascinated. I smile because I want you to smile. And if you one day smile back, I’ll melt into a puddle.”

He huffed and his mouth tugged a little, until sadness invaded his eyes again. “You have a beautiful smile.” He stroked my hand with his thumb. “You should smile if you can.”

I felt my face flush and was grateful for the darkness that hid my blush.

“Everyone tells me I look like Cem when I smile. Hande always asked me to smile.”

His dark voice made my insides coil tighter. “You think she was living out her fantasy of being with Cem?”

He turned to face me, a challenge in his glistening eyes. “Why else?”

“But you two are nothing alike.”

“No, we’re not.” His voice broke and he cleared his throat. “If we were, you’d have already had your Turkish fling. But here you are, listening to a grown man cry.”

“Oh, Emir. I don’t want a fling. Nobody wants a fling. A fling is just love that fails the test of time. We all want something better, right? But it’s not always available.”

“Maybe not, but most women would choose a fling with my brother over anything with me.”

His voice sounded rough as he turned to face away from me. I felt a flicker of understanding. He stood in his brother’s shadow, believing he wasn’t good enough. I squeezed his hand. “I know your brother is famous in Turkey, and I know how that distorts reality, but I don’t fancy him. Honestly. Not every woman does.”

He turned a fraction to give me a side eye. I let go of his hand.

“You’re not into movie stars?”

“Not particularly. But I’m into you, Emir. I’m mad at you, but I still prefer you.”

“So, you wouldn’t prefer to be back in that restaurant, with Len?”

I shook my head, smiling a little. He had me there. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“Why are you mad at me, then?”

“Because this is a small town and rumors will spread.”

“Because the pastor is such a gossip?”

I shook my head, letting out a sad laugh. “I don’t know! He might talk to someone, and the word will spread. Everyone will talk about me sleeping with my Turkish farmhand.”

“I object to being called a farmhand, but why is it such a big deal, otherwise?”

I weaved my fingers in tight knots, thinking about the question. Why was it such a big deal what Len said to his golf buddies or what Tabitha and the town gossip mill had to say about me? If the story got to the media, if they gave it the good old ‘scandal’ spin, did it matter? Did I truly care about the opinions of strangers? I didn’t want to be the person who did.

“I don’t know how this will play out, but I’m mad at you because that’s not how I wanted to end that date. That’s not what I wanted to say to him. I don’t need anyone to fight my battles for me. I’m not a helpless maiden who needs to be protected. Promise me you won’t do that ever again.”

He returned my intense stare with an even more intense one. “If you promise me you won’t date him.”

Only if you dated me instead, I thought. But I couldn’t say that. I’d made myself more than available. I wasn’t a masochist.

Why did I have to fall for the damaged, grumpy Turkish man when there were wonderful, socially acceptable and sensible choices like Len out there? I was only going to get hurt. That was the one thing we agreed on so far—that we’d both get hurt.

I started the engine. “I’ll make no promises.”

I drove home and parked outside my house. Still angry, I got out without a word. Not waiting for Emir, I marched to the door and took out my key to unlock it. As I turned the key, I instantly knew something was wrong. “It’s not locked. Did I not lock it? That’s odd.”