Chapter 11Emir

Chapter 11 Emir

I stepped into the guest room I already thought of as my bedroom, feeling surprisingly pain-free and mobile after a long run and a shower. Janie had been avoiding me for two days now, rather successfully. This morning, she’d got up so early that by the time I made it to the kitchen, I’d only found the cold remains of scrambled eggs on the counter. Later, when I went to check on Molly, I saw her coming from the pigsty, carrying an empty bucket. She’d hurried past me with a quick smile, claiming she was late for something.

I dressed up and threw myself on the bed, letting my face sink into the pillow. My neck felt stiff, as usual, but the headache was gone. I wanted to stay right here forever, holding onto that feeling. Along with the memory I’d been turning over in my mind for hours on end.

I’d held her delicate face in my hands, her lips parted, eyelids dipped. I’d seen the raw emotion on her face, the rivulets of the tears zigzagging down her cheeks. She’d looked so distraught, but it only made me want her more. Because I believed her. For the first time since I’d met her, Janie had felt unequivocally authentic. If I didn’t believe the tears, I believed the way her body jerked from their force, overpowered. It held me spellbound.

I should have kissed her.

The thought wouldn’t leave me alone, even if I knew my reasons. I didn’t want to take advantage of her weak moment. I couldn’t get involved with someone tied up to this land. What may have worked for my brother and his fiancée would never work for us. We both had too much baggage, and I didn’t believe in fairy tales. I didn’t even believe in casual affairs. That was for people who could take things lightly, not worrying about the future. Still, the moment she’d turned away from me and headed back to the house, I felt like I’d let go of the winning lottery ticket, watching it float down the river.

I should have kissed her.

I’d never experienced this level of regret after a well-reasoned, sensible decision, which told me something: I had to get back to dating. The way my body reacted to her was a dead giveaway that I’d been alone for too long. As soon as I got back to Istanbul, I’d force myself out there again, chatting to girls in nightclubs. The thought nearly made me dry heave, but maybe it’d be easier now, with Cem here in New Zealand. I’d represent myself, not my famous brother. With Cem engaged and our business arrangement finished, I wouldn’t be seen as a gateway to a celebrity—at least I could hope so.

I filled my lungs, listening for any sounds from the kitchen. Was Janie out there? Would I run into her? No matter how awkward things had become between us, I still wanted to be near her. I wanted to make sure she was okay.

After the almost-kiss, she’d driven away and stayed out until late at night. I’d felt her absence even stronger than her presence. I’d got her phone number from Aria, through my brother, and spent all day thinking of how to approach her as I worked on her broken fencing.

At dinner time, I’d cooked some pasta and eaten it alone, thinking of her and what she was going through, and then cleaned the entire kitchen. Not that it was particularly dirty. I just wanted to do something for her.

Emir: Are you okay?

That was the only message I managed to compose and send.

Janie: Yes. Be back soon.

Okay, I didn’t excel at texting, and probably deserved that response. But her ‘soon’ ended up being nearly an hour later, and I had to all but sit on my hands to not text her again and demand to know her location.

I brushed my teeth, changed into a fresh shirt, and padded down the corridor, announcing my arrival by clearing my throat. Janie sat at the dining table, staring at her laptop, looking polished in a mustard yellow blazer. The dining area looked the same, but one side of the living room had been cleared two armchairs pushed into the opposite corner. Had she been doing Pilates or some other exercise that needed more room?

“Hey!” She looked up and her eyes caught the early sun rays streaming through the window. The dog slept on the chair right next to her, his head perched in her lap. For a second, all was well, and I braced myself for a teasing comment. In fact, I wished for it. But within a couple of seconds, her smile withered, and she returned to her screen. “There’re some chicken salad and boiled eggs if you want.”

I missed the teasing. I missed her smile, fake or not. I wanted to see it again. She’d been hurt by her ex-husband, and I’d somehow made things worse.

“Thank you.” I snuck past her to make myself a cup of coffee. I’d spent some time yesterday figuring out how her coffee machine worked so I didn’t have to bother her.

Janie turned around, meeting my eyes across the kitchen island. “I’m ordering some materials for replacing the trellis on the deck and fixing the rest of the fencing. Do you want to have a look?”

I crossed the floor to look over her shoulder, grateful for the invitation. She scrolled through her shopping cart a little too fast, so I leaned in, replacing her fingers on the touchpad with mine, scrolling again a little more slowly.

Focus on the screen, I told myself. Don’t sound like an idiot.

I was no renovation expert. I’d done a bit of work on my grandfather’s property, and some maintenance on my own apartment in Istanbul, but I didn’t know the lingo. Whatever she gave me, I’d use. So, technically, I didn’t need to finger her touchpad. Which sounded about as dirty as everything else that ran through my mind as my gaze swept across the drooping neckline of her silky top, and I caught a glimpse of a lacy bra.

“You still have a lot of nails and screws, and this looks like enough timber. Is this the same thickness you had before? Maybe you want to upgrade to something sturdier, for the next storm.”

She sighed. “I wish I could, but the heavier stuff is so expensive. And I can’t afford to replace everything, so it has to match.”

My hand landed on her shoulder before I could assess the smartness of the move. “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. I can reinforce it with some bits and pieces you have in the shed.”

She shifted sideways to break contact. “I have a film crew coming in soon to do some test shots for a documentary I’m producing.”

I glanced across the open space at the empty corner of the living room. Of course. “What documentary?”

“It’s about the aftereffects of the floods.”

“Okay.” I circled the kitchen island and popped a piece of bread in the toaster. “I’ll stay out of the way. I still have some work to do outside. The last stretch of the fencing up on the hill.”

“That’s great, thank you!” She ran her fingers through a strand of hair, avoiding my eyes. “Also, I won’t be home this evening. I have a… date.”

A sharp jolt travelled through me, realigning my spine. “A date? With a man?”

She finally looked at me, eyes full of defiance. “Yes. With a man.”

I gave her a slow-motion nod, to buy time. “Uh-huh. I hope he’s… good.”

Well, that was a retarded sentence. I wasn’t this unskilled at English. But her words had wiped my mind blank.

“I’m sure he’s better than my ex-husband.”

Desperate to close the awkward distance between us, I went back to gather my lunch —a coffee, a piece of toast and a boiled egg, and joined her at the table. I gently moved Gru one chair over and chose a seat right next to her, earning a sideways look. “I don’t think you should settle for a slightly better man than your ex-husband. I read the article.” I nodded at the trash can, which had since been emptied. “I think you deserve much better.”

She blinked at me, her eyes wavering between emotions I couldn’t quite read. “How would you know? It’s one article.”

I took a deep breath, silently advising myself to not get involved. To not, under any circumstances, open my mouth and share my thoughts about this woman’s past relationships. But words tumbled out regardless, as if sucked out of me by the vacuum of awkward silence between us. “You’re right, it’s one article. And maybe it’s misleading. But he did give an interview and unless they misquoted him several times, I detected, based on those quotes, that he’s a pleasure-seeking, short-sighted individual who needs a lot of outside validation. Is that how you put it in English? A person who would struggle to appreciate what’s right in front of them. Their eyes would always be set on something new in the horizon, anything that can fill the void. Anyone to tell them they’re attractive and relevant.”

She stared at me, unblinking, until I had to look away. “I apologize, Janie. I think I overstepped.”

“No. You’re scarily accurate.” Her voice wobbled. “How do you do that? Based on one article where he’s gushing about his new love and his new baby? You don’t even know how our marriage ended.”

The article hadn’t covered the divorce in detail, yet I’d instinctively known this Shaun guy had been playing away for a long time. It was him. I could almost smell it through the cheap ink on that page.

“There were hints,” I said softly. “Everything he said was about the future, what he envisioned and how excited he was about it. Nothing about the present. What he has right now doesn’t excite him. The words he used, like ‘surprise’ and ‘fate’. Like he’s a mere token in a cosmic game of love. People who speak this way, they are trying to evade responsibility, to manufacture freedom for themselves… They don’t have a strong sense of right and wrong. It’s all relative, they say. They want to think they are helpless targets of the Cupid’s arrows.”

She dropped her chin to her chest, releasing a sad laugh. As her body language confirmed my words, my chest flared in anger. I wanted to hurt that guy. Badly.

I raised her chin with my fingertips, catching her eyes, making sure she was listening. “But I’m not basing this on one article. I also have solid, undeniable evidence of him being an absolute moron.”

“What evidence?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Come on. He gave up on you.”

Tears burst out of her eyes, and she slapped my hand away. “God dammit, Emir! Why are you doing this to me?”

I shifted backwards and turned back to my breakfast. Cem was right. I should never talk to women. I’d tried to encourage her, to help her see her worth. But no. I’d made her cry.

“I’m sorry.” I took a bite of my toast and tasted my lukewarm coffee. “I’ve been told I’m not the best at these social situations. I tend to say the wrong thing.” My chest felt like it had rubber bands around it, squeezing my lungs. I listened to her gentle sobs as her face disappeared behind a wad of tissues she yanked out of a box.

“No. You say the perfect thing, and it sucks, because I can’t fall for you. And I’m so vulnerable and messed up enough right now that I would do exactly that. It’d be a disaster.” She sobbed harder, her voice muffled by the layers of tissue.

My heart leapt and tried to swallow the toast swarming around in my mouth. “Fall for me?” Surely, she hadn’t meant to say that. “You’re very upset and confused right now, Janie. But don’t worry, I’m not that charming. I’m fully aware of how not charming I am. Any fleeting feelings you may have will resolve with a good night’s sleep.”

She looked up at me, her eyes red-rimmed and huge. “Do you not see what you are, Emir?”

“What am I?”

I hated the neediness in my voice. I’d decided long ago I was okay with being in my brother’s shadow. I’d moved on. Yet, every word from her fell into a bottomless void inside of me. I was probably worse than her ex-husband, more oblivious to my own need of outside validation.

Janie shifted closer to me, running her fingers down the side of my face, her soft skin catching on my short stubble. “You’re the most insightful and earnest man I’ve ever met. And you’re way too hot not to be aware of it.”

I’d heard comments about my looks, usually in comparison to Cem. If only I smiled more, I’d be so much more attractive. It made me want to smile less, to exclude myself from the pointless beauty contest I had no interest in.

“I’m sorry, Janie. I shouldn’t be fishing for compliments. Or competing for your affections. You’re right. Our lives are too far apart. It would never work. But I can’t help feeling protective towards you. I can’t help…” Pining for you? I’d run out of appropriate words. “I mean, I will keep my distance. If that’s what you want.”

Her eyebrows drew together. “That’s what you think I want? Distance?” Her gaze flicked up at the ceiling, like casting away the stupid thought.

“Maybe it’s not what either of us wants, but it’s what we have to do.”

She nodded, looking angry. “I know. I’m supposed to date this great guy who’s local and age appropriate and a widower, for crying out loud.”

“And you should! I won’t stop you.” I fought out the words, my throat tight.

Someone else would get to enjoy her fighting spirit. Someone else would get to touch her, and I wanted to snap their neck.

“Part of me wishes you did. Because your words are so good. They’re so, so good, Emir.” She looked at me, her eyes like two flames. “To be honest, I don’t just want you to kiss me. I want you all over me, saying all those things. I’m sure that sounds too forward, but that’s how I feel. I know you have to set boundaries, and I’ll do my best to stay away from you because you’re right. I feel this way because I’m lonely and sad and going through something. I tell myself I’m strong, and I am. But when you speak to me… When you… clean my kitchen!” She blinked at me, shaking her head, tears running again. “You’re making me feel things I shouldn’t feel.”

I pulled another tissue out of the box and dried her eyes, then peeled strands of blond hair off her damp cheeks, tucking them behind her ears.

I trusted my own self-control. Maybe I could comfort her for a moment, to make sure she was okay. Still contemplating my actions, I noticed I’d already pulled her against my chest, holding her tightly against my thudding heart.

Janie. I could sense her strength, underneath the welling emotion. She was made of something durable. Something so headstrong it almost scared me. I’d never met anyone like her. A woman who allowed me to see her vulnerability, yet didn’t seem to need me, or anyone, to define who she was. I inhaled her hair, a sweet smell of exotic flowers. Fresh and intoxicating. With every breath, my arm around her tightened further, my chest expanded, and the realization took hold.

I was in trouble.