Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

LILY

" I s it a bug?" Carter asks down the phone.

Guilt and shame twist through me as I make my voice raspy. I've always prided myself on never calling in sick to work, even when working at the pizza joint as a teenager.

"I think so," I say. "Hopefully, it's just a twenty-four-hour thing. I should be good for Monday."

"Yeah, well, just rest up," he says. "We don't want you infecting the whole office."

"Sorry for leaving you in the lurch."

"You can't help it if you're ill."

I hang up, then roll over and lie on my side. The sun is beginning to rise, glowing through the curtains. I've slept fitfully, with my thoughts shackled to Landon. I had to set an alarm to call in sick, but now, I should get more sleep.

Instead, I go to mine and Landon's text conversation. My stomach is tight after what that English lady said—implying she and Landon were a thing. Maybe she was trying to hurt Ethan, tell a lie to wound him during an argument? There are bigger things to worry about now, mainly Landon's safety.

Breaking the no-talking rule, I write, Are you okay? I know you want to focus, but I can't stop thinking about something terrible happening.

He replies quickly, making me think he's been waiting for this. I wonder if he's been feeling the urge to contact me as strongly as I have to contact him. I'm okay. I'm doing my best. I can't get into specifics but know I'm thinking about you, Lily. I miss you badly. I wish we could've shared everything we did under different circumstances.

We'll get our chance , I type, my emotions suddenly rising close to the surface. I've nearly cried too many times recently.

You don't have to commit to anything now.

We can find a way , I reply, not thinking about work for a moment, about Carter, the director, the threat of losing my job. Just come back safely and soon.

I'm doing my best, he texts. Nothing would make me happier than finding a way with you, whatever that means for us, however long it lasts. But I don't want to hurt you.

Maybe being apart from you hurts even more.

You're so damn sweet. So perfect. Let's talk more when this is over.

I almost type, " I want to help , " but I can't. I have to be strong. I have to remember the consequences. Helping Landon means losing my job and being unable to help more kids.

I'm sorry for making it hard for you to focus.

You're the reason I can focus on this at all, he tells me. Without you, I never would've felt this passion again.

Is that a good thing? Is it good that he feels like this—ready to tear the world apart? He should spend his final days with his loved ones, savoring the time he has left, but I heard Ethan. Before me, he never cared about stuff like that. He never cared about himself or his own feelings.

I wish I could help.

You can help me by keeping yourself safe. If I can think of you over there, calm, collected, and SAFE, then it's one less thing to worry about.

You don't need to worry about me , I reply. I'd never say this to Mom, but I've been taking care of myself for years.

That doesn't mean I don't want to take care of you.

I want that, too. So bad, but I shouldn't.

Neither should I , he texts. It's a damn cruel thing for me to do—make us both care.

Never say that again. Never even think it. The time we have is the time we have.

The time we have is the time we have, he replies. I like that. Talk soon.

I thought we weren't supposed to be speaking.

Yeah, I know. But now that I've heard from you, there's no damn way I'll be able just to pretend you don't exist.

I smile and clutch my phone to my chest. It's a moment of heat and release that makes me feel silly only when I realize I'm doing it. I put my phone down, reminding myself how serious this is. I can't let my hopes and wants get carried away, either. I can't pretend this is going to have a happy ending.

Sleep doesn't come, so I get up and use the en-suite shower. I get to thinking how many times I've stood in the shower with the water dripping down me, hot, steamy, making me think of Landon, my knight in shining armor. My body heats up as I wish he were here, wish he would appear in the steam and wrap his arms around me, pushing his naked body against mine.

If we get another chance, I'll throw myself at him. I won't let the virgin nerves have a single say. I won't let them dictate what I should do and who I should be. I'm going to jump on him, kiss him, hold him, remind myself he's real, and he's alive .

After the shower, I go into the kitchen. The lady from last night, Rosie, sits at the bar with a cup of coffee. The bar is next to the tall windows that overlook the city. I realize this building must be directly next to Landon's. It was too dark, and I was too panicked to notice that last night.

The woman turns, seeming more sober now. Less wired. Or maybe just less angry. "Oh, hello," she says.

"Hi," I reply, remembering what she said about Landon and hating it. "How are you this morning?"

"Just hanging around. Ethan put on quite the show last night." She laughs with a somehow mocking mixture of curiosity and disbelief. "Who are you? It was so strange last night, I have to say. One minute we were … and the next, he had to go. Are you family? His secret girlfriend?"

"No," I say.

"Of course not." She puts her hand over her mouth. "Girl, I'm so sorry. That was absentminded of me."

I don't know why she's being so mean. Maybe it's just who she is, and she doesn't even realize it. I shouldn't rise to the bait, but it's too late. I take a step forward. "I've got a boyfriend. It's not Ethan. You've probably met him. Landon Cross?"

It's petty, but I enjoy the angry look on her face, even if the very existence of this expression is proof that there's a romantic connection there. Ethan's at work. Why would she put on a show now?

"Landon Cross is your boyfriend," she says.

"Yes, ma'am," I say, knowing I need to stop. Inside, I cringe a little. Why did I call her ma'am ? "You seem surprised."

She looks me up and down. Since we're not going anywhere today, and I want to be comfortable, I'm wearing my oldest pair of PJs with a hole in the leg. "Well … a little. I don't mean to be rude, but you're not exactly who I imagined."

"Why are you imagining Landon's girlfriends, anyway?" My voice gets emotional. I feel like I'm venting a bunch of stuff at her that probably has nothing to do with her. I can't tiptoe around it anymore. "Last night, you said you should've stuck with Landon."

She smirks. "So you caught that, did you?"

"Why did you say that?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

"I'm asking now," I snap. "Have you slept with Ethan and his business partner?"

"Are you trying to shame me, girl?" she says in a haughty tone. "That would be very close-minded and rude, don't you think, one woman to another? Perhaps you should consider your words carefully."

"I'm asking you a simple question."

"We've had … our dalliances, but you know Landon. He never likes to take things seriously. Oh, he'll spin a good story. He'll tell a lady what she wants to hear, but in the end, he just wants a good, hard fuck."

Her smirk gets wider with each word. I want to yell at her. I want to call her a liar, but she looks so confident, so convincing .

"You made me act nasty," she says a moment later. "I very much resent that."

"I didn't make you do anything," I say, disgusted. "You're just gross. Why would you try to hurt my feelings?"

"Maybe I'm saving you. These lawyers pick up and use women. They're high-fliers and players. If I were you, I'd stay away."

I turn and walk quickly away. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of yelling at her. My thoughts spin frantically around as I try to think why she'd make that up. Maybe she's just cruel. I know Landon isn't like that. I trust him. I believe him.

Maybe he had a quick fling with this woman and decided not to tell me. Perhaps he thinks he's protecting me by keeping it secret like he's always protected me.

I go into the bedroom, try to relax, and not to think. My body feels tired, my eyes heavy, but my thoughts won't settle and let me rest.

My phone suddenly starts to ring. I leap on it, expecting Landon.

It's Maddie.

"Hello?" I answer.

When I hear the voice, I know it's all over.