34

W hy has my life turned into such a complete and total shit show?

After the game the other night, I was so upset that Roman hired a plane to take us home. Us being Roman, the other starting five Predators, and me.

Khaos went to check on his pack in Maine before the next Vultures game.

As soon as we got home, he rushed upstairs and put together a candlelit bubble bath for me. It was the sweetest thing ever as it was, but being Roman, he took it further and called Zoey and planned a surprise video call, Disney movie, and bestie date for me. He left me alone to get settled in and chit-chat with Zoey. Then he came back with snacks and hot cocoa.

It's getting harder and harder not to tell this man I love him. I'll lose the war with myself soon enough. I just want it to be right. Not a moment shrouded in the constant shadows following us around.

After my bath, I thought I felt better, but the waves of grief kept slamming back into me.

I thought I had made peace with the loss of my parents, but that was when I thought that I lost them to some kind of freak accident.

The thought that they're no longer here with me is because of me feels like a new kind of hell.

When I finally crawl into bed with Roman, he immediately wraps both arms around me and molds my body to his. His face moves directly to the bend in my neck as he says, “I'm so sorry, Leera. I wish there was more that I could do. I wish I could take this pain away and bring them back to you. You don't deserve to feel that kind of pain.”

I can feel the pain of his own experiences with loss radiating off of him. I wriggle in his hold until I've turned over to face him, running my fingers through his hair.

“Neither did you. Everything happens for a reason. I don't understand that reason right now, but someday I will. Until then, I just have to keep going...and you do.”

He pulls his eyebrows together, causing the lines in his face to ripple his forehead when he asks, “I do what?”

I take my thumb and smooth out his scowl when I say, “Take my pain away.” I kiss the end of his nose, roll back over in his embrace, and fall into a fitful sleep.

For the first time in what feels like a lot longer than it’s really been, I wake to the smell of coffee, and my heart clenches.

I take a moment to allow the pain of yesterday to wash over me. I give in to the grief and allow the tears to fall. I don't want to hold it all in until I combust. So I'll continue to let myself feel the loss of them until it doesn't hurt so badly.

Just as the sniffles subside, Roman flings himself through the doorframe with wild worry in his eyes. “What's wrong? Are you okay?”

I give him a weak smile and nod. “I will be.”

“Look, Sunshine, I wish we could postpone the trip to the pack tomorrow, but I don't think your wolf is going to wait another moon cycle. Being with the pack in nature is the best way to go through your first shift,” he explains softly.

“No, I know. I want to go. I know you can't tell right this second, but I'm actually really excited and…”

“And what?” he presses.

“Well, I guess I'm also a little nervous. I've never met a whole pack of werewolves. It's more than that, though. These wolves aren't just people, they'll be like my family. They'll look up to me. I know nothing about being a Luna. What if I'm not good enough?” I mean to keep the last question to myself, but it just comes out, causing Roman to growl.

“You have absolutely nothing to be worried about. They're going to love you. Like the rest of us, they don't stand a chance,” he follows up with a crooked smile on his face. “This trip isn't about you immediately taking over the duties of a Luna or anything other than you and your wolf.”

I can feel her excitement beneath my skin.

I can't wait to meet you.

I look into his eyes with all the strength and happiness I can muster.

“I'm ready.”