Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Zak

Igasped for breath as I sprinted over the driveway, flying over the featured water fountain to my front door. Ignoring the burn in my lungs, I check my watch and feel the satisfaction of knowing I have beat my previous record. With every success comes the debilitating knowledge that the only person I want to share my life with is no longer with me.

Any feeling of joy or pride dissipates. I take off on a gentle jog around my home to cool down. Ten minutes later, I walk to the memorial I have for my mother. She loved roses. She would take small cuttings from public parks and try to grow them in our mould-ridden council allocated shitty apartment. I planted every colour of the rose plant here in the hope that she would look over me when I came here each morning. Every day I ask for forgiveness here.

"I love you, Mum. I miss you every day. Rest easy."

She was a believer, so I live in the hope that her God is looking after her. The guilt never gets any easier. I stand up from the granite memorial plaque. I read over the words I repeat from within my soul every day.

Mum, you are the most precious memory I hold in my head, heart and soul.

I stand up and stretch my back out before rotating my neck. My humanity was lost with my mother's life. I turn my back on her and switch back to cutthroat business mode.

◆◆◆

I sip on my fourth coffee. My only reason to work is to keep my brain from entering dark and dangerous places. It took years of intensive therapy to stop myself from self-destructing.

I smirk when I think of the people whom I destroyed. Some are dead, and some live wishing they were dead.

The messenger pings on my laptop.

Benny: This programme is killing me. Can you have a look at it when you get a chance?

Me: Sure. How are things with you today?

I've known Benny for three years. He is an agoraphobic programmer. We are of a similar age. I don't know if it"s because of his condition or personality, but he is the one human I can tolerate. My gut tells me it's because he hasn't been exposed and corrupted by society and has an almost innocent outlook on life.

Benny: If I tell you something, will you promise not to judge me?

I frown at the message box. I hope to fuck he isn't going to disappoint me.

Me: Go ahead. You're in a safe message box.

I'm damned curious as to what he has to say. The man eats, shits, works and sleeps. In the three years I"ve known him, he tried to go into his garden once and was a mess.

Benny: You know my situation. I'm twenty-eight, and I can't meet girls in normal circumstances. I just wanted to do something different. To feel something different. I watched a documentary following a man who kept a silicone doll as his partner…

I bend my neck to scan his message. I snort out laughter that rarely comes to me. Benny is going to fucking kill me one day with his antics.

What the fuck?

Me: When are you getting married to her? Does she have any friends?

Benny: Fuck off, you cunt. You said this was a fucking safe message box!

Me: I'm messing with you. You know I hate most people and work from home to avoid the assholes that I employ.

Benny: I got one, and it's the best thing I ever did. You won't believe how lifelike these dolls are. Expensive but worth every penny.

I cringe at the thought of fucking a plastic doll, but I understand why he needs this. My mother had taught me to treat all women with respect. Now? I do what I want.

I had given Jessica everything, but for her to go behind my back and fuck my best friend at the time was unforgivable. They are two fucks who are living in misery. One is a crack whore, and the other is in jail for a murder he didn't commit. All carefully conspired by yours truly.

Benny: Hello? Fuck. I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Me: My mind wandered off. Look, you do you. I"m glad if it helps you cope and makes you happy.

Benny tried to meet women with similar conditions, but it had been disastrous.

Benny: The only reason I wanted to mention it is because I know you don't like women.

I don't correct Benny. It's not that I don't like women. I find all people intolerable. My mind flicks to my mum. She was the only person I loved with all my heart, and knowing she died for me, no one will ever compare to the sacrifices she made for me.

Me: Thanks for thinking about me and my dick.

Benny: You're an asshole. I don't know why we are still friends.

Benny has a few other online friends. He doesn't know that I hacked into his entire ‘secure' system to ensure he wasn't like the rest of them. He is my only friend, and I'm happy to keep it this way.

Me: No, seriously, tell me more about her.

Benny: Fuck you. I'm going back to work.

With a chuckle, I close the message box and return to work.