Chapter 20 I’m In Love with You, Damn It!

Nico

Holding Allie in my arms, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in over twenty-four hours. I'd always loved her scent - a mixture of the shampoo, body wash and lotion that she used. It was vanilla, mixed with something lightly floral - honeysuckle maybe? Whatever it was, it always soothed my soul, and settled whatever chaos existed around me. Today was no different.

"God, I needed that, Sunshine," I said, dropping a kiss on the top of her head as I loosened my hold a little and took a small step back, glancing around. "Did Gracie and your parents go over to see my folks? My mom said she was going to call."

Allie nodded. "Yes, she called around the same time you landed."

I moved my hands to her shoulders and held her at arms' length as I looked her over from head to toe. My gaze lingered on her T-shirt, partly due to the message on it, and partly due to the lush mounds underneath the shirt.

"Nice shirt," I grinned, raising my gaze up to meet her eyes. "Did you wear that specifically for the paparazzi?"

"Yep," she said with a smirk. "It suited my mood this morning."

I sighed at the reminder of the hell she'd been put through with this shit. Taking her hand, I guided her into the living room. I sat on one end of the sofa and pulled her down to snuggle in next to me. I needed to have her close - needed to have my hands on her.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I hate like hell that you've been stuck in the middle of this cluster-fuck."

She smiled softly up at me. "It's not your fault, you know. Have you heard whether they're going to be able to press charges against her for grabbing you?"

"No, but it's doubtful. I mean, I could push for it, but Michael and the attorneys had a conference call with Lana and me yesterday before I went on the air, and the attorneys all agreed that the case wasn't really worth pursuing. The cops can't prove public intoxication just on witness speculation, and too much time had passed by the time they tracked her down for a breathalyzer to be used as evidence. The video shows her lunging for me, almost knocking me down and grabbing for me, but her lawyers could argue she simply tripped, and it was an accident. She didn't trip, but what the fuck ever. That leaves her grabbing my arm as I tried to get on the elevator. The attorneys and Lana all feel that would be a flimsy excuse for filing assault charges. 'Not good optics' was the phrase Lana used."

"God, really? Optics? I hate those fucking PR buzzwords," she told me, clearly disgusted by the whole damned thing.

"Yeah, they think that's a nicer way of telling me I'd look like a pussy for filing assault charges on a drunk chick who grabbed my elbow," I said with a snicker.

She lifted the arm that had been draped around my waist, and lightly smacked me on the stomach. "Hey, pussies aren't weak, I'll have you know. They can take a pounding, unlike your balls."

As soon as the words left her mouth, I froze. There was no fucking way I could handle hearing her talk about pounding pussies, balls, or anything else even remotely sexual without thinking about all the things I ached to do to her body. The knowledge that we were alone in the house didn't help the situation. I felt her stiffen against me, and knew she was probably picking up on my sudden tension. I willed myself to calm the fuck down. I needed to stop getting distracted by having her so close, so I could tell her what I came to say.

"Allie?" I said softly, after a moment. "We need to talk."

She had been staring down at her lap, and slowly raised her head, but she wouldn't meet my eyes. I tightened my arms around her, trying to figure out why she looked so uncomfortable suddenly. Was it just that she had picked up on my tension, or was there something more?

"Sunshine, will you look at me...please?" I asked, putting a finger under her chin to gently lift her head. My eyes roamed her face, before gazing back into hers. I realized her eyes were filling with tears that she was desperately trying to blink away, and her lips were pressed into a thin line to keep them from trembling.

"Oh fuck, don't cry. Please don't cry," I begged.

I wrapped my arms around her even tighter and pulled her half onto my lap. She started to struggle to loosen my hold, then struggled harder when I didn't let go quickly enough. As I finally realized what she wanted and dropped my arms, my initial concern quickly gave way to shock and confusion. What the hell was wrong? She scooted off my lap, and practically jumped to her feet to get away from me. As she turned and started to walk away, I stood up quickly and grabbed her arm, whipping her back around to face me.

She reared back from me, and my concern, shock and confusion quickly turned into something much different. She looked wary, almost afraid, and the only thing I could think of was that kiss. She was afraid to get too close to me because of that kiss. As that thought sunk in, I could feel the hurt welling up inside me, and then I started to get pissed the fuck off. This was goddamned unbelievable!

"What the fuck?Are you really so worried that I'm going to kiss you again that you can't stand to be near me?" I asked incredulously.

She shook her head, flushing. "No, of course not. I just..."

"You just what, Allie?"

She didn't answer. She looked like she couldn't figure out what to say.

"You just what, Allie?" I repeated, my agitation growing. "You just don't want me near you? You just don't want me to touch you?You just don't want me to kiss you again?Is that it?You don't fucking want me to kiss you again?" I knew my voice kept getting louder, my words more forceful, but I could help myself.

Tears slipped down her cheeks then, as she just stood there and stared at me. I was desperate to find the words to fix this. To fix us. Without even fully being aware of it it, I wrapped my hands around her biceps, gripping them more tightly than I normally would have, and then gave her a little shake. I realized what I was doing, and immediately loosened my grip, letting my arms fall to my sides in frustration.

"Talk to me, damn it! Talk to me and tell me what's wrong." I stepped back, and dropped my head, clasping my hands behind my neck for a second, as if I could literally get a grip on my emotions. I raised my head again and stared at her before shaking my head slightly in disbelief. I couldn't believe how much this hurt. "God, I can't fucking stand the way you're looking at me right now. It's like you're afraid of me, like you're afraid I'm going to - "

"No!" she blurted out, interrupting me. "I'm not afraid of you doing anything. I just don't know how to fix this. It feels...I feel...awkward, I guess. I mean, I know we'd both had too much to drink, and the kiss didn't really mean anything, but I still feel - '

I interrupted her this time. "The kiss didn't mean anything to you, or you don't think it meant anything to me?"

"What?" she asked, apparently not sure exactly what I was getting at.

I repeated, "Are you saying the kiss didn't mean anything to you, or that you don't think it meant anything to me?" I was staring at her so intently, I felt like I should be able to see straight into her soul.

She looked away as she replied, her voice tight with tension, "I know it didn't really mean anything to you. You'd just had a little too much to drink, that's all."

She's gotta be fucking kidding me with this shit. "You think so, huh? You think I was too drunk to know what I was doing? You think I was too drunk to know that I was kissing you? You think I was too drunk to know exactly what the fuck I was doing to you?" I practically snarled that last part.

"I was well aware that I was kissing you, Sunshine, and the last fucking thing I wanted to do was to let you go back to your hotel room by yourself. But I knew if you stayed at that party, I was going to drag you off to a back room somewhere and fuck you against the wall. I knew if I walked you upstairs to your room, I was going to bend you over the edge of your bed and fuck you so hard neither of us would have been able to walk the next day. But I knew I couldn't do either of those things, because you had been drinking too, and there was no way in hell I could take advantage of you like that. So please, don't fucking tell me that kiss didn't mean anything to me, because it meant everything to me," I finished hoarsely. I was hanging on to my composure by the tiniest of threads.

Her jaw had dropped during my tirade, and her eyes widened, pupils dilated. As I waited for her to say something, anything, my heart pounded so hard it felt like I had fire coursing through my veins. After several long moments, I shook my head and looked away quickly, before looking into her wide green eyes again.

"Say something, Sunshine. Please. You're killing me here," I said softly.

"I...I'm not even sure what..." she took a quick breath then paused, as if she was trying gather her thoughts.

"It's OK, Sunshine," I said, smiling sadly. "It's OK if you don't want me that way, it won't change our friendship. I won't let it change our friendship. But I just need to be completely honest with you. I need you to know that I love you." I wasn't sure I could take this. My heart was fucking breaking in two as I offered it up to her, all the while knowing she didn't want it.

"I love you, too, Nico, you're my best friend." She smiled me, tentatively, carefully. Hope bloomed inside me for the briefest second, before reality hit. My anger and frustration came roaring back and slamming into me until I exploded again.

"No Allie, don't you understand? I don't just love you as a friend. Fuck! I'm in love with you, damn it!" I almost shouted. "I've been in love with you for so fucking long that I don't even know when it happened. I tried to get over it. When that didn't work, I tried to hide it, because I was fucking terrified that I would ruin our friendship if you didn't feel the same way. I've tried to give you time to love me, too, but I just can't fucking do it anymore." I looked down and took a deep breath in a desperate attempt to get my emotions back under control. When I raised my head again, I could feel the sting of tears behind my eyes.

"I'm in love with you, Allie and I want you in every way. I'm a greedy bastard, I know that. I want you as my best friend. I want you as my lover. I want to be able to call Gracie my daughter, because that's what she is in every way that matters. I want you both in my life, every day and in every way possible. I promise you though, if you don't feel the same way about me, it'll be OK. I won't let it change anything; do you hear me? I will not give up our friendship. I will not give up my relationship with you or with Gracie." My voice broke, as a tear slowly rolled down my cheek. It was all I could do not to beg her to let me stay in their lives.

Allie seemed to freeze for a split second before her lips slowly stretched into a smile. A strange sort of laughing sob bubbled up out of her throat, and before I could make sense of what was happening, she lunged toward me. She jumped up to wrap her arms around my neck as her legs wrapped around my waist. She clung to me for a moment as I steadied myself on my feet. My arms came up automatically to hold her, and before I could stop myself, they tightened around her in a crushing embrace. If this was the last time I got to hold the woman I loved, by God I was going to make it count. The thought of having to let her go was killing me. Then, I realized that she had been whispering, over and over, "I love you, Nico. I'm in love with you, too."

I staggered back a few steps to the sofa behind us and dropped down on to it as my knees buckled. I felt like my entire body had just melted, and it seemed like my vision went white for a second. My ears were ringing, and I was fucking terrified that I hadn't heard her right.

I eased her back and forced her chin up so I could see her face. "Say that again," I demanded.

She looked right at me, smiling tremulously, tears shimmering in her beautiful big green eyes, and said, "I'm in love with you, too, damn it!"