16. Kaci

Ilook out over the valley to the sea of green below me, trying to take in what Hunter's just told me. The anger has dissipated. How can I be angry with a man in so much pain?

He lived that day but Ben didn't, and that's what I have to let go of.

I'll always feel like a piece of me is missing, but it's time to leave the past behind.

"Goodbye Ben."

I whisper his name into the wind, and it carries it over the trees and down the valley.

I can go back home now. Fetch my cat and go back to my job. I'm a marketing exec at the planetarium. That's how I know about the constellations. I'm not a fucking astrophysicist. I'm not anything but a lonely girl with no family.

Mom, whose name is Anna, died from cancer a few months before Ben. The pieces of me fit together like one sad, lonely jigsaw puzzle.

A new wave of sadness threatens more tears and I blink them back, refusing to cry anymore today.

A car door slams, and the skin on the back of my neck prickles as Hunter comes up behind me. Despite it all, I long for his touch. I long to crawl into his arms for the only comfort I've had in months.

I get that he was protecting me from my memories. From a past that's too painful for him to talk about.

Seeing how much he hurts made me stop being angry at him, but can I forgive him?

I turn as he reaches me, and the sadness on his face makes the remaining pieces of my heart shatter.

Hunter blames himself for Ben's death, and if there's one good thing that comes out of this fucked up trip, then I hope it's that he can move on.

As for me? How do I move on? I don't even know where I want to move on to. This place has been home for me for the last three days, and it's been a safe oasis amongst the memories of pain.

"You don't have to leave." Hunter stands next to me looking out at the valley, his voice raspy. "I've been an ass and I'm damaged, but I love you, Kaci."

His words warm my heart, and for the first time since my memory came back, I feel something other than complete despair.

His fingers brush mine, and as he takes my hand I allow the warmth of him to seep through me.

"All these years I've blamed myself for surviving. I've cursed God and the devil and shouted at the universe wondering, why me? Why didn't I die that day? But what if there's a reason I survived?"

He takes my other hand, and I turn toward him. It's hard to meet his gaze, but when I do there's a new hope shining in his eyes.

"And what if that reason is you?"

I take a step back and he squeezes my wrists, making me listen to him.

"You're my reason for living, Kaci. I'm sure of it. I survived so I could meet you and look after you. I survived so you wouldn't be alone."

My breath catches in my chest, and when I can breathe again it's a little bit easier. I want to believe what he's saying. It gives me comfort to think of fate playing a hand in our lives. Directing us toward each other.

"Because that's how I feel, Kaci. I want to take care of you. I want to spend every day for the rest of my life making you happy, if you'll let me."

The warmth in my chest spreads at his words and I close my eyes, imagining a life here on the mountain. A life with Hunter.

"Can we ever be happy? The two of us?" I ask.

We're both carrying wounds that might never heal.

"Every night for the last three years I've gone to sleep thinking about the men in my squad. For the last three nights, I've thought about you instead."

He wraps me in his arms, and just having him there to lean against makes me feel stronger.

"It may be a hard won happiness, but I'm willing to try. We can never bring Ben back, but I can show you a different kind of love and hope that that's enough."

I recall his words from last night. How uplifted I felt in his arms gazing up at the stars, so certain I'd always feel this way about him even when I remembered.

Maybe that's the real Hunter. He lied to protect me and I don't know if it was right or wrong, but I'm done with black holes in my life. I want to live, I want to love, I want to heal.

"I'm willing to try too."

I blink back tears, and this time they're happy tears.

Hunter cups my chin, and his lips press against mine. I meet him in the kiss and it's gentle and tender, years of hurt passing between us.

We can't kiss the pain away, but his warmth and his realness melts some of it, and when I come up for air the pain is a little less.

His hands run down my back, and as his hips bump against me, I feel his hardness. All the pent up desire from the last few days races to the edge of my awareness and I kiss him again, my hand sliding to his butt as I pull him toward me.

"You said when I got my memory back you'd kiss me so hard I'd forget all over again."

He smiles, and I smile back. A tentative grasp on happiness that's getting stronger with every minute I'm in his arms.

"You want to do that now?"

His eyebrows raise in surprise, and I giggle. The first laugh I've had since my memory came back.

"Why the fuck not?"

It turns out I'm adventurous, and I swear a lot more than my sweeter forgetful self.

Hunter takes my hand and leads me off the road and into the woods. We come to a clearing where the forest floor is thick with moss, and he lays his coat down.

We sink to the ground and he kisses me hungrily, his hands tangling in my hair and in my clothes as he tugs them off.

"There's something you should know about me," I say, half-panting as he pulls my t-shirt over my head.

"I'm a virgin."

The hunger in Hunter's eyes intensifies and he runs his fingers up my arm, making the skin tingle.

"I'll be gentle with you, angel."

I smile at the name, liking the way it sounds on his lips. Those same lips follow the path of his fingers, kissing me gently up my left arm and over my chest.

I unclip my bra and his kisses tickle the delicate skin of my breasts, making my nipples peak with need.

Hunter moves slowly, exploring every part of my body with kisses so tender they bring fresh tears to my eyes. I've never been looked after like this, and my body heats under his touch until I'm squirming and begging him for more.

Finally his lips trail up my thighs and between my legs, finding my center. I arch my hips as he blows warm air onto my clit, sending zings of pleasure throughout my body.

His tongue glides over me and I grab his hair as the intensity builds, until I'm calling his name into the woods as my body hits a wall of pure sensation.

I'm throbbing as he climbs over me and cups the back of my head, pulling me toward him for a kiss. I taste my own metallic tang in the heat of his mouth, and it has me whimpering for him.

"I don't have a condom."

Hunter sits back at the realization, and the loss of the heat of his body against mine is like the sun going out.

I need him, and I don't care about the consequences. In fact, I like the consequences.

"Would it be so bad?" I squeak.

His eyes dart to mine and there's surprise in them, and I wonder if I've gone too far. Then he breaks into a wide smile.

"Angel, I can't wait to put a ring on your finger and fill your belly with babies. I'll give you a cabin full of children. We'll create our own family and fill it with love."

The thought of our own family makes my chest squeeze in a good way. I want all of it with this man. With him I have a chance at creating a new family. Finding a new place to belong.

"I love you, Hunter."

He grips the back of my head and nudges my thighs open, lining his tip up with my entrance.

"I love you too, Kaci."

He slides in as he says the words, and I buck my hips at the strange sensation. It stings, and I don't think I can take him all. The physical pain masks the emotional one, making me forget everything but the stretching sensation of Hunter filling me up. Then he's inside me and the edges slides off the pain, and I never knew anything could feel so good and so right.

We move together and I wrap my legs around his back, keeping our eyes locked as we find a rhythm.

He presses his chest to mine and our heats beat together, steady and strong until the sensation gets too much and I break under him, my body arching as waves and waves of pure sensation rock me to the core.

A moment later Hunter squeezes my hips as he releases into me. I cling to him, and he whispers my name into my ear.

My heart broke when I lost Ben, but as Hunter and I hold each other, the last broken pieces slot back into place. It will always bear the scars but my heart is whole again, beating strongly and capable of love.