Chapter Fifty-One

Tessa

After another week off work to deal with the fallout from Garrett and David’s visit to me—three grueling sessions with my therapist and an awkward conversation with my mother about my first communion, after which she threatened to leave the church but I talked her out of it—I’m back at work again.

But I’m good.

I didn’t go back to the dark place. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I know now that my strength was inside me the whole time.

Ben helped me see that.

He’s been busy with his new charitable foundation, and I haven’t seen much of him. Just as well, as it’s taken that long for me to thoroughly work through the memories of my first communion and the attack by Garrett and David. Plus, my face is finally starting to look normal again.

Ben’s charity endeavors have me wanting to reach out as well. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I can do to help others who have been through sexual assault. I smile as I remember Nana’s story of Saint Rita, about how she was willing to go through pain so others could be saved.

I can’t say I was willing to go through the pain in the first place. I didn’t have a choice in that. But I could do some good with it. Figure out a way to help others in similar situations.

I hum in my kitchen. I invited Ben over tonight, and I’m making him dinner. He hasn’t called me back to confirm, but I know he’ll be here.

This time I’m making simple tacos with homemade guacamole. No margaritas as I can’t drink alcohol until I finish my pain meds.

I turn the TV on to keep me company while I cook. Right now it’s a commercial for dog food. A different brand from the stuff I buy Rita. I know the jingle by heart, though. I sing along to it as I mash some avocadoes.

Then the commercial cuts short and the musical intro to the evening news plays.

I ignore it and add a couple tablespoons of olive oil to my guac.

I’m chopping up some cilantro when I hear a familiar name on the TV.

“Benjamin Black, the younger brother of the famous blue-collar billionaire Braden Black…”

Ben’s in the news?

But he’s a pretty famous guy, especially in Boston. His name is probably in the news all the time. This is just the first time it’s happened since we met.

I return to my preparations.

“Allegations made by Garrett Ramirez…”

I nearly drop my chef’s knife.

What about that asshole?

I thought he was out of my life.

I walk into the living room and take a seat.

“Mr. Ramirez, who is currently awaiting trial for assault and battery of Ms. Tessa Logan, who is currently dating Mr. Black, claims to have evidence that Mr. Black is responsible for the death of Mr. Travis McKee, who escaped from the Massachusetts Correctional Institution fifteen years ago…”

The words slow down, are drawn out, as if seeping out like blood oozing from a wound.

My breath catches in my throat, but I close my eyes, force it out slowly. My stomach knots, and a mix of nausea and disbelief make my legs cramp, my arms turn to jelly. This can’t be happening. My thoughts race as I try to process what I’m hearing through the garbled words on television.

Garrett and David weren’t making it up.

Or if they were, they’ve gone public with it anyway. If they have enough evidence for the evening news to take this seriously, then…

I have to call Ben. I swallow, force my body to work.

I grab my phone and—

Ben: I’m sorry. I can’t make it tonight.

Of course he can’t. He’s probably on the phone with his lawyers right now.

Or the authorities.

My stomach twists further into knots.

If I want to talk to him, I’ll have to go to his house. He may not be there, but I’ll wait. He’ll have to show up eventually.

I breathe in, shaking out my arms. I needed Ben’s strength. Now he needs mine.

I hastily pack up the dinner, give Rita a quick kiss goodbye, and hail a cab.

Thirty minutes later, I’m knocking on Ben’s door, a bag of food in one hand and the pearl inside the small silk bag in the other.

“Ben, it’s me!” I yell. “Open up!”

He doesn’t answer.

Oh, God. Has he been arrested already?

I pound on the door. “Ben!”

Still no answer.

Fuck it, I’ll break in if I have to. This is the man I love. And damn it, this time he’ll listen when I say those three words.

I check some of the windows by the front door. All locked. I walk around his massive yard to the back of the house. I eye the security cameras as I walk through.

If they alert him to my presence, all the better.

I make it to Ben’s back door and try it. It opens, thank God.

I run inside. “Ben, are you here?”

Silence.

I run upstairs. One door is closed.

I knock. “Ben?”

No answer.

I try the door. It’s locked.

He must be in here. The door doesn’t lock from the outside.

And he wouldn’t have left his back door open if he wasn’t home.

“Ben!”

Silence.

Fuck it. He can afford to fix the door.

I throw my entire body against the hard wood. Once, twice, three times.

I rub the ache springing up in my shoulder as I lift my right foot in the air, ready to try to kick the door down, but—

It opens instead.

There stands Ben, looking luscious in jeans, a white T-shirt, and nothing else. Even his feet are bare. But something is definitely wrong. His dark eyes are sunken and…tormented.

“Tessa, what are you doing?”

I collapse into his chest. “I thought they’d gotten you!”

Ben rubs his eyes. “Who?”

I sob. “The cops.”

“Why would the cops…” His face darkens. “Oh.”

We stand there in silence for a moment. Then he grabs me by the shoulders. “Tessa, we need to talk.”

I lift my head from his chest. “I brought the dinner I made. We can talk after we eat.”

“No, we can’t.”

“Ben, we’ve been through too much together to—”

He quiets me with two fingers to my lips. I pucker and kiss the tips.

“Fuck, Tessa.”

“Fine.” I whip my hands to my hips. “Tell me what happened with that escaped con. Tell me if you’re going to go to prison. Tell me if you want to end things between us.”

“I love you,” he says.

“And I love—”

His hand goes over my mouth again, and I bite his finger.

“Hey!”

“I love you, Ben! Why on earth don’t you want to hear that?”

“Because…” He rakes his fingers through his hair. “Because it just makes this harder.”

“What?” I cup his cheek.

His eyes are glassy, almost as if he’s hiding unshed tears.

I look into the room. It’s littered with empty liquor bottles, and his bed is covered with dirty dishes and food crumbs.

My God. He’s in bad shape.

He’s known this was coming for a while.

“Ben…what is it?”

“Oh, Tessa. Damn it all. I wanted to help you. You were so lost, and I wanted…”

“You did help me, Ben.” I lay a hand on his chest. “You showed me what’s truly important. That my life is far from over. That even though I can’t change what happened to me, I can change my attitude about it. I can choose happiness.”

“I’m so glad you found happiness, Tessa.”

“I found it with you.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t understand. I’ve done terrible things. And now the whole world knows about it.”

“I think you’ve made mistakes. Like all of us have. You’re flawed. But you’re the flawed man I love. I never even understood love before you. I mistook physical feelings, infatuation, for love. But with you—”

“Stop!” he roars. “Just stop it! I can’t take it.”

My lips tremble. “Ben, I won’t let you do whatever you think you’re going to do here. I’m not going to—”

“Don’t you see? You don’t have a choice.”

I smile weakly. “But I do. You taught me that, Ben. You showed me that. I have a choice…and so do you.”

“Tessa, listen to me. The story about me is out. We can’t put the toothpaste back into the tube. Before long, there will be news cameras at my doorstep, a media circus. I just can’t…” He puts his head into his hands.

“You can’t what?”

“It’s not going to be pretty, Tessa. And I don’t want you to have to deal with it. I did something terrible, and I’ve kept it a secret all this time. It’s been eating at me for years. But in truth? I’m glad it’s coming out. Part of me is so damned relieved. And the funny thing is? Without you, I’d never have had the strength to do what I’ve done. Tell my story. Cop to my part in it.”

“Tell me the whole story, Ben. I only heard a little from those two jerks, and I was only listening to the news for a few minutes before I came over. What’s your side?”

He leads me to his living room and onto his couch. “Sit down.”

But he doesn’t sit next to me.

He’s creating distance between us.

I don’t like it.

Words pour out of him, then.

Jumbled words, but I get the gist.

Seventeen and stupid.

Tired of working so hard.

Got in with a bad crowd.

Robbed a warehouse.

David’s brother, Dirk, stabbed and killed an escaped convict who walked in on them.

Teeth.

Tarp.

Dumped in the bay.

No body recovered.

No charges.

My skin freezes.

Ben. My Ben.

How could he?

I was sure Garrett and David were spouting lies. Or at least embellishing.

But every gritty detail was true, except that Ben didn’t do the killing.

Ben is devastated. This is eating at him. Has been eating at him for so long.

Ben Black. Jovial Ben Black. All this time hiding a terrible secret that’s been gnawing his insides out. Those demons he talked about when we first met? The demons I doubted he could ever have? They were real. So real.

“So you see?” he finally says. “I have to let you go, Tessa. You deserve so much more than someone broken like me.”

I rise, pace around his living room a few times.

“Go,” he says. “I know you want to.”

Really? That’s what he thinks? I absolutely do not want to leave, and I won’t.

I turn, face him, and I hope he can see the fire inside me. “I don’t want to go, Ben.”

“This story is going to be in every rag in the country by the end of tomorrow. All over the internet. I’m going to be swamped with reporters following me around. Lies will be told, Tessa. And the truth is bad enough.”

I sit down on his knee, cup his cheek. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“You have to. I won’t put you through this.”

“I’ll go willingly.”

“No.” He rises, setting me on my feet. “I won’t let you. This isn’t your problem. You’ve been through enough, with Garrett, that asshole David Conrad—”

“I didn’t even remember David Conrad until recently,” I say. “Even after Garrett, I didn’t remember.”

“Only when you met me.” He rubs his forehead. “Look what I’ve done to you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Maybe I had to remember him once I met you. Maybe I had to be whole, whether that’s good or bad, to be with you. To be with the love of my life.”

He grabs me then, crushes our mouths together in a raw and passionate kiss.

But he breaks it just as quickly. “You are everything to me, Tessa. You’re the reason why I was able to face this. To tell my story. And that’s the reason I have to let you go.”

I grab his face. I have to stop myself from shaking him. “No, you don’t.”

“I do. I can’t ask you to take this on. It’s not fair.”

I grip his shoulders, force him to meet my gaze. “I’ll tell you what’s not fair, Ben. It’s this. You thinking you have to do something noble and let me go. I won’t allow it.”

He digs gaze eyes into me sadly. “God, I love you. I never even imagined loving someone the way I love you.”

“And I love you!”

“You don’t know me. You didn’t know me when you fell in love with me.”

“But I did.” I squeeze my fingers harder into his shoulders. “Do you think this changes who you truly are? What kind of man you are? It was different with you from the beginning. You were gentle with me, but you didn’t coddle me. You helped me find my strength again. Now let me help you find yours.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t give you what you deserve.”

“I deserve to be with the man I love.”

Ben sighs. “He doesn’t exist, Tessa.”

“You’re wrong. He does exist. He’s gentle when he needs to be, but his strength is unequaled. He’s kind and giving and the smartest man I know.”

“A smart man wouldn’t—”

“Do something stupid when he was a kid?” I draw in a breath. “Damn it, Ben, we’ve all done stupid shit. I went back to Garrett Ramirez when I knew better. I could have saved myself a lot of headache and heartache if I hadn’t. I wish I could take this all away for you. I wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into your head that day. But I can’t. It is what it is, and you have to live with it. You’ve been living with it all this time. It will never go away, but the burden will lessen.”

A tear slides down his stubbled cheek. “It’s unreal how much I fucking love you, Tessa.”

I slap his shoulder. “Then fight for us, damn it! Take what the world is going to throw at you, and I swear to God, I’ll be right by your side. Just like you’ve been beside me to help me fight my demons, I’ll stand by you as you take on yours.” I place my hand on his chest. “Your heart still beats, Ben Black. Your heart still beats. And so does mine.”

I kiss him. Hard and raw and passionately.

He stands, lifting me in his arms, and he carries me out of his living room and into another bedroom that isn’t cluttered with garbage.

He lays me gently on the bed, hovers over me, gazes into my eyes. “Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more…”

I push his hair over his forehead. “And I love you just as much. Always, Ben. Always.”