Chapter Twenty-One

Tessa

The moonlight glitters on the vast ocean, and I sink my toes into the sand, walking along the shore.

The party is over, and all the bridesmaids have retired to their rooms. Skye and Braden are no doubt having hot monkey sex in their suite.

But I’m not ready to go to bed yet.

I can’t get that bartender out of my head.

He looks so damned familiar, and the feeling I get when I see him?

It’s not a good one.

I won’t be able to sleep, so there’s no use going to my room.

My therapist uses hypnosis sometimes to relax me, and when she asked me what one of my favorite places is, I always told her the beach at moonlight.

So here I am, on the moonlit beach, and I’m hoping it will ease my anxiety.

The good news is I haven’t had a panic attack since that night in the bar with Ben.

After I got drugged and ended up in the hospital, I was having them daily. So far, this is the longest I’ve gone without one, and even though that bartender has me on edge, the serenity of the beach and the waves swishing to the shore calm me.

I don’t feel a panic attack coming on, and for that I’m grateful.

“Tessa?”

I turn at the voice I recognize.

Ben stands there, facing the ocean. In the moonlight, his dark hair glints with subtle blue highlights, and the stars cast sparkles over him.

I never would’ve believed he could be better looking, but the moonlight brings something more out in Ben Black.

Something beautiful…and dark.

Because darkness can be beautiful. I’ve always loved the darkness. Especially the moonlight on the beach.

It fills me with serenity.

Serenity I haven’t felt in so long.

A serenity I thought was lost to me forever.

I almost forget that I’m pissed at him. “Thanks a lot,” I say with sarcasm.

“For what?”

“I told you no strippers, Ben. And who should come prancing onto the beach? Four male dancers.”

He drops his jaw, and his eyes widen. Is he truly shocked?

“What?”

“Did I stutter?”

“Tessa…no. I told the event planner to get topless dancers for the bachelor party. Only the bachelor party.”

“She clearly didn’t understand, then.”

“Oh, God.” He rakes his fingers through his thick hair. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

I nod. “You really didn’t have anything to do with it?”

“I swear.” He crosses his heart. “I’ll take care of this. Heads will roll.”

I look into his dark eyes. There’s truth there. I believe him. “It’s all right. The men were very respectful, and the ladies loved it.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

He moves closer to me. The scent of alcohol is thick on him, but he doesn’t act inebriated. “I’m surprised to see you out here alone.”

“I understand how you might feel that way, but I feel safe here, Ben. Something about the ocean.”

“It is relaxing,” he says, “but I don’t want you walking out here alone.”

“Why? This is a private resort.”

He looks at me for a moment, as if he wants to say something but then thinks better of it. “No reason. Just no woman should be walking alone after dark. You know as well as I do that women can be vulnerable.”

I tense up.

Ben rakes his fingers through his hair. “Fuck… I didn’t mean…”

“No, you meant exactly what you said.” I cross my arms. “And you’re right. I suppose I of all people should know that.”

“Please… Don’t let that curb your relaxation.” He closes the distance between us, brushes a strand of hair out of my face. “You had a look in your eyes a moment ago, Tessa. It’s close to the look you had at the top of the Falls today, but it was even more tranquil. A look I’ve never seen on you before.”

“You haven’t known me for that long.”

“No.” He frowns. “It is odd that we didn’t meet until we started planning this trip. With Skye and Braden being together and all.”

“I suppose that’s partially my fault,” I say. “I wasn’t exactly the best friend to Skye when her relationship with Braden was blossoming.”

“You weren’t?”

“I felt kind of left out, to be honest. Unfortunately…that led me to things that…”

I say no more.

He knows anyway.

“I know my brother would feel absolutely awful if he thought he had anything to do with what happened to you. That he took Skye away from you.”

I shake my head. “He didn’t. It was all me. I was being silly and jealous and bratty. I see that now. I have no excuse for it. I could tell you that Skye and I have been close since freshman year of college, and that’s the truth. I could tell you that we talked on the daily, and I was her fashion consultant—the few times I could actually get her to go out. That’s all true, and it’s true that I missed those things once she and Braden got serious. But she was still my bestie. There was no reason for me to react the way that I did.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment. I’m sure he’s weighing what to say so as to not offend me. Because I’m absolutely right. I was a brat, and we both know it. It was my behavior that led me to where I am today.

It wasn’t my fault. I understand that. I had no idea that Garrett was going to be such an asshole. An asshole who would drug a woman.

The truly sad thing is that he didn’t even need to drug me. I was infatuated with him—with his dark good looks, his love of dancing, his intelligence.

He didn’t need to drug me to have sex with him.

But as I looked back at it in therapy, I came to understand that he was also conniving. He broke up with me, and I was heartbroken. Then he came back to me, and I was elated. Then he drugged me, and God knows what he did to me after that.

He didn’t love me. He manipulated me, and who knows how many other women he violated in the same way?

He’ll be sorry he chose me because I’ll be the one to put him behind bars. He may be out on bail now, but there will be a trial, and he’s guilty as sin.

I hate that he’s out on bail right now, but I have a restraining order against him. He can’t come near me.

Finally, Ben opens his mouth to speak. “No woman deserves what happened to you. It doesn’t matter what you did or what you think you did. None of that matters, Tessa. This was not your fault.”

“I know that.” Doesn’t change the fact that if I hadn’t been envious of Skye’s newfound love I probably wouldn’t have put myself in the position to be harmed.

“Do you, though?”

“I do.” I scratch an itch that springs up on the side of my head. “Objectively, anyway. Believe me, I’ve been over and over it with my therapist.”

He smiles. “Good. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need. Is there anything I can do?”

I look at him, then.

And for the second time, I feel the urge to touch him.

I reach forward, feather my fingers over his stubbled cheek. It feels scratchy, but also…good. It feels good to touch another person. Another man.

He doesn’t move. Doesn’t try to touch me. He just lets me do what I want to do.

“You’re such a good-looking man,” I say.

“Thank you. You’re a beautiful woman.” He lowers his voice. “You’re the most beautiful woman here.”

My cheeks warm in the moonlight. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before.

I never minded it before, but these days it seems like a curse.

When a man looks at me now, all I feel is the glare of his eyes burning holes into my flesh.

But Ben is looking at me…and for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel that.

I don’t feel like he’s burning two holes into me.

No. To the contrary, I want him to look at me. I want him to see me. Because I know he sees more than just my beauty.

He sees what I’ve been through, the haunting within me.

And though he may not understand, he’s trying to. In his way, he’s trying to help. He tried to help by taking the burden of the bachelorette party off of me.

He’s a good man, and I’m glad he sees beyond my looks, but I’m more than what I’ve been through, and I want him to see that part of me too.

I drop my hand back to my side.

“You can touch me, Tessa,” Ben says. “I don’t mind.”

I say nothing.

“Is there anything else I can do for you tonight? See you to your room?”

I resist the urge to lash out at him, to tell him there’s more to me than some fragile woman who went through a tragic ordeal and nearly died.

“I’m not done walking yet.”

“Then I’ll walk with you. Because as I said, I don’t want you out here alone.”