Chapter Eleven

Tessa

When I was a little girl, I used to dream I could fly. I told my therapist about that once, and she said it’s a very common dream for children. Children like to believe they can do anything, to the point that some fall down the stairs in an attempt to actually fly.

I never did that, but my parents had an old barstool out on the back porch. Every once in a while, I would take it out to the yard, climb on top of it, and jump as high as I could, flapping my arms.

I always ended up on the grass, and fortunately I never hurt myself because I couldn’t jump that high.

But each time I always thought… Maybe this was the time… Maybe this was the time that I would actually fly.

The dream I had about flying was similar. I would jump and then become airborne, and I would move my arms and legs as if I were swimming underwater, only I was flying through the air instead.

It was my favorite dream as a kid, flying.

A year ago, flying on a private jet would have me excited, joyous.

Right now, the best I can do is stare out the window and feel…okay. We’re at thirty-five thousand feet, and it’s a clear day. We’re immersed in the blue sky, and cottony clouds are scattered below us.

Such beauty.

I’ve always wanted to go to Jamaica. I’ve heard the people are so friendly and the food is excellent. We’re staying at a private resort, so I won’t get to see much of the sites. Not that I’ll have the energy to go sightseeing anyway.

But there is a part of me—albeit a tiny part—that feels…not excited, really, but slightly eager.

Objectively, I have no worries in this moment.

I have a brand-new job thanks to Ben. The bachelor and bachelorette parties are all planned and should be executed perfectly, again thanks to Ben.

I’ll have to repay him somehow, even if he isn’t expecting anything in return. It just seems like the right thing to do.

Then I let out a sarcastic laugh. How can I repay Benjamin Black for anything? He literally has everything. Including a private jet.

There’s no way I can pay him back.

Good thing he doesn’t expect me to. If he did, he surely would have given some hint by now.

He’s doing all of this for Braden and Skye. He doesn’t want their big weekend ruined, and I was well on my way to doing just that.

He’s not doing this for me at all. Why should he? He doesn’t know me. To him, I’m just some pathetic young woman who’s trying to heal from a rough ordeal.

He feels sorry for me—and God, I hate that.

My therapist says I shouldn’t hate being pitied when I’m pitying myself.

But I don’t feel like I’m pitying myself. I don’t really feel like anything. It’s like Garrett Ramirez took my emotions away from me. On the days when I’m not feeling completely depressed, I simply feel…nothing.

I’m doing everything I can. I was working until I got laid off. I just spent two days working at Black Inc. The work is simple, not overly challenging. But simple is fine for me right now. The old Tessa would have wanted a challenge. She would have wanted to do something besides simple accounting.

But this Tessa? The new job is working out just fine for now. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll want more. Now, I’m content to do simple tasks and collect a paycheck.

“Hey, Tess.”

I turn as Skye sits down in the seat next to me. She looks radiant, her brown eyes glowing.

“Hey.” I give her my best smile.

“Nice try,” she says.

Skye knows me better than anyone. She knows when I’m faking it.

“Sorry,” I say.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Tess.” She squeezes my shoulder. “What can I do? What can I do for you?”

“Oh, Skye. If only it were that simple.” I give her the weak smile again. “You’re doing everything for me. You’re giving me this weekend. This amazing weekend. Not just for me but for all of us.”

“That’s Braden, not me. Last time I checked, I’m not a billionaire.”

“Yet,” I remind her. “You will be after the wedding.”

“Yeah.” Her eyes dance. “It’s crazy to even think it.”

“I’m so happy for you.”

The words aren’t a lie. I am happy for her. Except I kind of forget what happy feels like. But she’s my best friend, and I remember being happy for her, and of course I’m thrilled that she’s found the man of her dreams—with all the fringe benefits he comes with.

It’s like my feelings have gone on hiatus, and I don’t know how to get them back. I get twinges of feeling now and then, like when I found the pearl in the oyster, or when I was thinking about making my mother’s Mexican recipes.

Or when I got a warm tingle when Ben smiled at me at the diner.

Skye leans into me and gives me a side hug. “I really appreciate this, Tess. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

“I’m okay. Truly. I want you to have an amazing long weekend that you’ll never forget.”

Skye smiles broadly. “I’m so excited! I’ve always wanted to go to Jamaica.”

“Well…” I look down at my watch. “Looks like we’ll be there in a couple hours.”

“We will. And I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you have an amazing time.”

I reach toward her then, grab her hand. “No. You don’t worry about me at all. This weekend is for you, Skye. For you and Braden. You have a wonderful time. Please. Don’t worry about me.”

She squeezes my hand. “I’ll always worry about you, Tess. You’re part of me. You know that.”

Her words move me. “That takes me back.”

“I know. Spring of senior year, when I was trying to decide whether to go back to Kansas or to stay in Boston. You sat me down, looked me straight in the eye, and told me you wanted me to stay but you’d be okay with whatever I decided.”

I smile, and this time, it’s not forced. “Except I was really trying to get you to stay.”

“I know.” She chuckles. “You said, ‘Wherever you end up, you’ll always be a part of me.’ I never forgot those words, Tess. Even when you thought I had.”

Skye is referring to a rough patch we had recently, but I don’t want to go there, so I draw in a breath. “Just promise me you’ll have a great time. That’s all I ask.”

“I will. We both will.” She beams. “Dinner will be served in a minute. If you need anything, you let me know.”

“Of course.”

But I won’t. She doesn’t need to be worrying about me. I should be the least of her concerns.

Skye rises then and returns to her seat next to Braden.

The two of them put their heads together and talk, presumably about me.

And damn it.

I do not want to be the subject of Skye’s unhappiness. I don’t want her focusing on me. I want her beaming like she did a moment ago.

Ben himself brings my dinner to me and then sits down beside me as Marissa, one of the flight attendants, serves him as well.

“I hope you don’t mind a dinner companion,” he says.

“No, I don’t, because I need to talk to you.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Of course, what is it?”

“I need you to make sure that Braden and Skye aren’t worried about me. This long weekend has to be about them.”

He nods. “I couldn’t agree more, Tessa.”

“So what do we do? How do we get them to quit focusing on me?”

He shrugs. “You need to have a good time. If they see you enjoying yourself, they won’t worry.”

I roll my eyes. “I know you won’t believe me, but I’m trying.”

“I do believe you,” he says. “And you’re right. I don’t know how you’re feeling. But like I said before, I’ve wrestled with my own demons, Tessa. It’s not always easy. But there’s one thing that keeps me going.”

Right. His demons. Those demons he mentioned the other day. The demons I questioned him about, that he said he might tell me about someday. “What’s that?” I ask, genuinely curious now. “What keeps you going?”

He takes my hand, and for once I don’t think about pulling away. He places it on his chest. “It’s knowing that my heart still beats.”

My lips part. I want to say something, but I have no idea what.

“Life, Tessa. Life is a gift.”

“I’m not going to disagree with you, but your life is pretty easy, Ben. You have everything in the world. Literally.”

“I didn’t always.” He squeezes my hand that’s still touching his chest. “Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for my fortune. For everything good that has happened to me. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t fought demons.”

I don’t want to fight forever, though. I’m tired of fighting. “Have you won against them?”

He pauses a moment, his forehead wrinkling. “It’s not winning that’s important. It’s moving forward. The journey. It’s not letting them eat at you, suffocate you.”

“Good to know that’s possible.”

He smiles. “It’s not only possible, Tessa. It’s necessary. It’s necessary because you’re a beautiful and vibrant woman, and you deserve to have a life that you love. So make a deal with me, okay?”

A deal… “And what would that be?”

“This weekend, you have a good time. I’m not saying to forget what happened to you. That’s not possible. Believe me, I know. But have a good time in spite of that.”

“Depression isn’t something that you can turn on and off.”

He nods. “That’s correct. You can’t turn it on and off. But what you can do is choose how to deal with it when it happens. Instead of sitting in your room eating a pint of Ben Jerry’s, you can be active. Go on a run. Walk by the beach. We’re going to be on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world.”

I bite my lip and let my gaze fall to my lap. “What if I can’t?”

“What are you talking about can’t? Do your legs work?”

“Of course.” There was a time when they felt like they didn’t, because the depression was so bad. Some days I couldn’t move if I tried. But that isn’t where I am anymore, thank goodness.

“Then you can, Tessa,” he says gently but firmly.

He’s not wrong. When I’m having a bad day, I always feel a little better when I do something productive. Even if it’s just taking Rita on a short walk. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking the trash down to the dumpster.

“Do it for Skye,” Ben says. “Like you said, she needs you to be happy.”

“I don’t believe in faking it, Ben.”

“I don’t, either. Faking it can lead to bad things. It can lead to people not knowing you’re in pain, and then… Well, let’s not go there. I’m not asking you to fake it. I’m asking you to, when you’re feeling bad, get up and do something. It doesn’t matter what it is. Get your ass out of bed and do it. You said you didn’t want Skye and Braden to worry about you this weekend. This is how you accomplish that.”

He lets my hand go then, and I absently place it against my own heart.

My heart still beats.

And that, alone, is a reason to be grateful.

Is it a reason to be happy? Ecstatic?

Yeah, it is.

So why am I not feeling that way?

“I’m just saying, Tessa, at least for these four days, if you’re having a particularly bad time, get up. Walk across the room. Take a shower. Get dressed. Go outside.”

I swallow.

“You can do this,” Ben assures me with a smile. “And if you find that you’re having trouble? Call me. I will be at your side. I will drag you out of your room, if you ask me to. I will do whatever it takes to help you make this long weekend perfect for Skye and Braden.”

“All right,” I tell him.

So I’ll suck it up.

I’ll feign emotion.

And I will make sure that my best friend has the best long weekend of her life.