Chapter 42

*Elena*

"Don't panic. I have everything under control. No one is going to hurt you." I couldn't help laughing at the worried look on his face. Then he looked really concerned when that laughter turned into howls of pure cackling. I was sure he thought I was losing my shit, but nothing could be further from the truth. My mind was as clear as a bell in the Italian countryside.

"Elena, what…?"

"Do you know what killing people with kindness does to them, Ryder? It eats them up inside, especially when they've done you wrong. Though they may have no conscience, some part of them, some minuscule thread of humanity, destroys them little by little."

"I've always taken the high road. I've always shown kindness. Even when I was being torn apart inside and out, I put a smile on my face, and I never hit back, but there's no way. I want them to pay. You think I'm afraid of some washed-up never has been an actor and his crackhead of a daughter?" I laughed even louder.

His eyes widened when I cracked my neck from side to side and rolled my shoulders like a prize fighter about to get into the ring. "You know what your problem is, Ryder; your spiritual leader works for the wrong team, I never did, but sometimes, good people go rogue."

"I don't understand; what're you planning to do?"

"I'll tell you later, but first, I want you to write down everything you did to me, including all the women you cheated on me with."

"What? What good would that do, Elena? Come on. I just told you someone is planning to kill you."

"And I told you I'm not afraid. What I am afraid of is falling for your bullshit again. So, I want it in writing; I want something I can look at if I ever become dumb enough to give you another chance."

"And you think I'm going to do that? Excuse me for saying this, but I think that's your illness talking. I don't think you're pro… Hey." My hand hurt from slapping him that hard, and I couldn't believe that after almost thirty years of living, I'd actually hit someone, but the handprint that was beginning to form on his cheek was proof enough.

I had to admit, it felt good, so I did it again, with the other hand, on the other cheek. I didn't think I would've stopped if he hadn't grabbed my wrists and pulled me into his chest. "Stop, please stop. It's okay. I'll write whatever you want." I was the one having a meltdown, so why was he the one shaking?

I pulled back and looked up at him through the new bout of tears that had started falling from my eyes and saw the fear in his. "So, write."

"Not here. Let's go inside It's a bit chilly in here with the door broken." I looked towards the door that I'd all but forgotten. It needed to be fixed, but that would have to wait until the morning. For now, the way he'd propped it up was good enough, I guess, since no one else would dare break into my home.

"Fine, let's go." I led the way into the main part of the house, not really wanting him there. It had taken me forever to get every bit of his essence out of my home, and I wasn't looking forward to him making new memories here that I would have to erase. He acted very strangely as we walked through the house, almost like he was inspecting it or something.

"What're you doing?"

"Nothing. Just notice all the changes. May I have some coffee while I do this?"

"I guess!" I begrudgingly turned on the coffee pot after finding him a notebook and pen in one of the kitchen drawers. He played around with his watch as if he were nervous, and that just made my heart smile. Idiot!

He started writing while I made coffee, and I started to wonder if maybe he was right and I was having an episode because I felt way too calm for the present situation. But I didn't feel like I was heading for a breakdown; I know what that feels like, and this wasn't it.

This felt more like someone who was tired of the bullshit, which I have to admit, I've been over for about four years now. His showing up here did one thing for me; it showed me that she hadn't won like I'd thought because, hey, he was here, wasn't he? But then I got to thinking, what exactly were either of us trying to win?

I mean, I love the guy, more fool I, but he's a damn mess. I started laughing again because it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'd spent the last five years mourning over a drug-addicted jackass. He looked worried again until I waved him off, "I'm just having a moment, Ryder, no need to look spooked." And if you mention my mental illness again, I just might end you right here and now, you waste of space.

I made his coffee like it hadn't been five years since I last did it. I remembered exactly how he liked it, and that pissed me off, so I slammed the cup down next to him, wishing some of the hot brew would splash onto his arm and burn him and hoping that he didn't get hurt all at the same time.

I had to settle for a dirty look since I couldn't go through with it, then turned to the refrigerator to get some ice for his cheek. "Does it hurt?" I pressed the ice wrapped in a tea towel against his right cheek, then moved it to the left with a frog in my throat. I hate violence, and as much as I hate him, I love him more.

"No, it's fine. Plus, I deserved it." He covered my hand with his, and for a few seconds, I let myself enjoy the simple touch before pulling away and moving across the room.

"You have a lot of writing to do; maybe I should leave you to it."

"No, please stay."

He gave me that puppy dog look, and I felt myself melting before I remembered who I was and who he was and put my resting bitch face back on. "Fine, get to it then." I took a seat at the furthest end of the island, away from him, and waited.

***

*Ryder*

I didn't know why she was making me do this; I could barely remember the last five years of my life, let alone the eight we were together before that. Jeez, has it really been that long? Have we really known each other since we were kids? How the hell did everything get so out of whack?

This being sober thing wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. The memories, the pain, I had to relive it all as if it were now happening when I'd spent so much time trying to forget. I had to do it, though, not only because Tyler and Zak had drilled into me that honesty was the only way to go if I wanted to win her back but because I knew she deserved it. But I hated like hell that I was going to hurt her again.

I wasn't exactly the best boyfriend. In the beginning, I was, but that only lasted about two years. That's when our first breakup happened, and it's also about the time I got acquainted with Matt. I'd already known Mary by then, of course, but I was steering clear of her. Matt had brought her back into my life at some point.

And then the drugs started; I didn't even recall the first time I took a hit of something stronger than weed; it's all a blur. I did know it had to have been at one of those parties I'd started going to. I remember back then she hated those types of parties and never wanted to hang out with certain types of people.

I remember resenting her for not wanting me to have fun, which I know now was just her way of trying to save me. She'd been in the game way longer than I had and knew the signs, which I didn't. She'd done her best to protect me, and what had I done? I'd spurned her; I'd let others turn me against her with lies and innuendos.

My hands moved faster now as I poured it all out as fast as it came. And even though it was cathartic for me, I dreaded what it would do to her. There were things I wrote that she knew nothing about, things I knew would hurt her to the core. Things I would've chosen to keep hidden if only to spare her.

The more I wrote, the more I realized what an awful human being I'd become, and it broke my heart. Not for myself, but for the innocent young girl she was, the beautiful innocent that I'd decimated with my actions.

Tears wet the paper in splotches, but I didn't stop. I wrote it all down as soon as I remembered, trying my best to get the dates right and sticking to the truth, not trying to spare myself the anger I knew was coming. She has every right to be angry, and maybe after doing this, she'd give me another chance to make it right.

There were some things that I didn't want to write down there, things that I knew would hurt her even more than my betrayal, and I argued with myself internally, but in the end, I had no choice but to add them. I did stick it onto the very end, though, in the hopes that she'd be too mad halfway through the damn thing to even notice it.

When I was done, I passed her the book and walked over to the coffee pot to pour us both another cup. I wasn't as surprised that I remembered how she liked hers as I had been that she'd remembered my preference. She'll never know how much something as simple as that meant to me that she hadn't forgotten.

She'd pretty much erased me from everywhere else in the house, though. The little caricature painting of us that used to hang above the fireplace was gone, as well as the stuffed lamb she used to keep on the rocking chair in the corner of the living room. I'd noticed it gone when we walked through earlier and was surprised at how bereft it made me feel.

I got more nervous the longer she read in silence and took my coffee to the door to look out into the night. My shoulders tensed when I heard her sharp inhale of breath, and I braced myself for the anger that was sure to come. Elena was never the sharing kind, not when it comes to romantic relationships anyway, and she hates any form of betrayal; and what I'd just written was a manifesto of the worst betrayals in life.

*Janie*

"Where is Ryder? Hey, don't you hear me talking to you? I said where is he? How dare you ignore me? You're just a servant… Hey." I found myself talking to a closed door. A door one of those insufferable men Mr. Saunders had sent here with Ryder just slammed in my face.

I would kick it open again, but I was afraid of what would happen if I did. Nothing was going to plan, nothing. After my talk with Ryder, things only seemed to worsen, no matter what I tried. I stupidly went ahead with Mary's idea about the baby, and somehow Ryder had found out even though I thought he was too busy practicing his lines to notice.

I had one good day of enjoying all of the congratulations and well wishes from the fans and family alike until it all came crashing down. Ryder was pissed beyond belief. He even threatened to expose my lies which made me wonder why he'd even care; that's when I realized that there could be only one reason why he'd get so bent out of shape and called him out on it.

"It's because of her, isn't it? You don't want her to know that we're having a baby. Why, Ryder? Why?" I remember screaming at him with tears running down my chin, and all he did was turn and walk away. That's when I think I knew when the veil was lifted, and I realized that he was never coming back to me.

But there was still the new house, and I was still his wife. I rushed to call Mom after that, and she set up a meeting with someone for me to visit, someone I'd dealt with in the past when I needed help, and Mom was too far away for a reading.

I could still hear her words ringing in my ears when I asked the question that always burned in my heart. I'd been so nervous about the answers I'd be given that day; it's almost as if I knew, somehow, that that would be the day it all came tumbling down.

I felt exhausted, like I'd ran as far as I could in this race to win Ryder's heart, and her words were like a death knell to all of my dreams.

"I still don't understand; I did everything I was supposed to do to win his heart, to keep him close to me always. Why doesn't he love me?"

"The love in his heart for the other is too strong. That love is destroying your spell."

I think I knew it all along, somewhere deep down inside. Even when he was high, Ryder never looked at me with anything but contempt.

But there was the Saunders deal and the new house to look forward to. He wouldn't lose this chance to work with the best studio in town, a studio most A-listers could only dream of working with, so I knew he would have to stay by my side, at least for now. But I could no longer stand the thought of him wanting her, of him even thinking about her. That's where Dad came in.

He'd already spoken to Mary, and we'd all agreed that the only way to put this whole thing to bed once and for all was by killing Elena. With her out of the picture, all of my worries would be over.

I don't know why we hadn't thought of it sooner, but the idea took root in my head, and now it's all I could think about. I just needed Ryder to be here so I could see his face when it was done, though it wasn't for a few days because there were still some things left to work out; just knowing what was coming had filled me with the most excitement I've felt in years.

That's why I'd gone in search of him and why I was now standing outside the closed door to his suite fuming. I couldn't wait until I was in good with the Saunders. One of the first things I was gonna do was get rid of those two.

That made me feel better already, and I went in search of some coke and some fun. Just because my husband refuses to screw me doesn't mean I have to go without, just as long as he never strays, which I know he wouldn't, because she's the only one he seems able to get it up for, and soon she won't be here. I was outright laughing by the time I hunted down the guard.

He saw me coming and knew what I wanted before I asked. As soon as I cleared the door, he walked towards me, removing his shirt and reaching for the vial of Coke he always kept ready for me. I do like a man who knows his place.

I was surprised when Ryder kept him and a few others around when he did his massive staff change, especially after the rumors that it had taken lots of money to kill. But this one has been with him for a very long time, so it made sense that he'd keep him on.

And besides, Ryder never even mentioned anything about what had been written in the tabloids. I guess he hadn't seen it while he was shut away wherever the Saunders had sent him to get clean.

I took my first hit of coke and leaned in for a kiss while his hands moved on my body just the way I liked. It's a heady feeling having so much power over a strong, strapping, manly type, and soon, very soon, I'll have Ryder at my beck and call, just like all the others I've conquered.

For a quick second, I was reminded that Ryder was the only one I could never control, not without the help of some substance or the other. Soon, that problem, too, would be obliterated.

I know once she's taken care of, he'll spiral again, and I'll have him back under my control. I just have to figure out a way not to let Saunders know that his new protégé is not so clean any longer.