Chapter 22

*Elena*

It can't be; there's no way. But I know what I saw. Or do I? Maybe I'm losing my mind again. Uh-uh, nope, I'm not going back down that rabbit hole of destruction again. I won't fill myself with doubts and what-ifs again because that shit takes forever to end. But what's the alternative? Should I believe what I saw or write it off as my mind playing tricks on me again?

The way my heart was racing and my skin tingling, I was afraid I already knew the answer but was just too afraid to accept it because I didn't know what it meant. If I didn't accept what my eyes and heart had seen, then I'd have to make a trip back to the doctor and admit that I'd failed once again, and if I accepted, it'd just be opening a rusty can of rotten worms that I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with.

Ryder? Here? How? Why? And why now? This is crazy. I barely made it through my last smile for the last fan without a complete meltdown or panic attack before making my excuses and heading into the ice cream shop.

I was doing my best not to give myself away to Sydney and Rachel because I didn't want to sound or look crazy, but my mind was racing with questions. There was no way for me to pretend that it didn't happen. To just push it aside like I do everything else and pretend that life just goes on. Ryder had most definitely been less than six feet away from me. I can still feel him.

Now I'm wondering if what I felt in the hospital was real. Granted, I didn't see him then and had no real proof, but I know what I know. I'd felt him before I saw him, and that, more than anything, was bothering me.

After all this time, how could I still feel him? Sense him? The way I always did in the past. Strong and powerful, like an electric current rushing beneath the surface of my skin that ignited every fiber of my being and always made me come alive like no one else ever could.

"Hey, chicklet, what flavor? Are you okay?" I plastered a smile on my face and hoped she didn't look too deeply into my eyes or touch me right now because I was pretty sure I was vibrating. It didn't work because the smile turned into tears, and she rushed me out of there so fast my feet barely touched the pavement outside.

"Head down, head down, here, take my phone, pretend that you're talking to someone." She laughed and tapped my shoulder with the fingers of the hand she had wrapped around me while I fumbled to get her phone to my ear. To anyone looking, we were sharing a joke with someone on the phone.

I heard Rachel running to catch up and then Sydney shooing her away with a lie, "It's her agent; we'll meet you back on the boat; forget the ice cream for now." Rachel didn't leave right away, and once again, I could only imagine the look Sydney gave her to get her moving. Those two have yet to call a cease-fire, and I've long given up trying.

If Sydney hadn't been guiding me, I doubt I would've made it back in one piece because I don't remember my feet touching the ground, and I never lifted my head up to see where I was going. Tears were the only thing I saw as they filled my eyes before running down my cheeks. I thought I was done with this; I really did.

She hustled me onto the boat and below deck as soon as we reached, which was a good thing because I was close to breaking point. On the walk here, when I wasn't freaking out, I'd been thinking in that short space of time of all the things I should've done differently instead of freezing at the sight of him.

I took it easy on myself and admitted that there were too many emotions running through me at the time for anything but the result I gave, and besides, I hadn't been prepared. Maybe I'd finally conjured him somehow with all the hidden thoughts I still can't get rid of. No one ever tells you that it can take close to forever to forget someone, even long after you've convinced yourself that you are over them.

I hadn't seen him face to face since the award show, where I sang on the stage in front of him. The press had had a field day with his response back then, something that I'd done my best to ignore, even though it was obvious that he'd been affected. As far as I was concerned, he was already married to someone else, so what did it matter if he wore a look of guilt and unease and looked at me with soulful eyes?

All that did was cause another uproar that I'd wanted no part of. There were a million different angles of his face that night as if all the cameras in the building were on him, and his reaction to seeing me and hearing my song had been captured for posterity and all the world to see.

There was new speculation about his marriage and our relationship, and the questions had started all over again. Something new and shiny came along not long after, and the paparazzi moved onto that, leaving me alone again, but the fans were like a dog with a bone, even mine.

My fans, who had torn him and his wife to shreds until I begged them to stop, had once again started building castles in the sky with the two of us playing the main roles in whatever fucked up play they had running in their heads. At least they weren't calling for him and his wife's blood any longer, so a win is a win, I guess.

I'd heard bits and pieces about him being missing in the last few weeks and have tried my best not to care; easier said than done. But still, it was no longer my problem. The fact that my heart still hasn't let go is neither here nor there.

The heart will always want what it wants, but there's a flip side to that coin. The heart is deceitful above all else, and that bitch is the first to give out when shit hits the fan. She's like a mischievous little sister who starts shit with someone else, then run away or hides behind you when things get real. So, my heart can want whatever the hell she wants, but I'm not playing that game.

Life had already kicked my ass but good the last time. That bitch had used both her legs and arms to take me out. I am not going back for more of that shit. So, my heart and other parts of me that were going pitter-patter could calm the f*ck down.

Things have finally been looking up for me. I have a better handle on things now, especially where my mental health is concerned, and I'd only be doing a disservice to myself, not to mention to all the people who'd worked so hard these last five years to get me back on my feet if I allowed myself to be sucked back into anything to do with Ryder Sumner again.

But damn, if it doesn't hurt like the first time all over again, and I was right back where I started. Why have I become so weak? And why is it always him? Nothing else in life, no disappointment in my career, no other friendship or relationship has the power to bring me down the way ours did.

But why the fuck now? Why now, when I had finally been able to put the past behind me? When I was ready to move on and live again. I'd had so many plans. How could just seeing him like that for all of a few seconds cause me to go all the way back to the back of the line?

This trip had turned into so much more than just a getaway. Before leaving LA, I'd called my agent as planned and received some exciting news. There were projects waiting for me to go over, some of which I was looking forward to, one especially that would take me out of LA for months at a time with the prospect of at least a few years of work.

So, I wasn't just escaping but celebrating getting back into the swing of things. But one look at him and I could feel myself being dragged back there again. Back when our lives were intertwined. Why was he here? I won't even ask myself if I'm sure that it was him any longer because even if my eyes deceived me, my senses never would.

I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that he still has that type of hold on me, that that pull is still there after all these years of separation and still just as strong. Does that mean that all the hard work I'd put into getting over him and moving on with my life was for nothing?

I started to shake so hard that my teeth rattled against each other. "What happened?" Should I tell her? How could I not?

"I saw Ryder." The words just tumbled off my tongue.

"Where?" Her whole demeanor changed, and I remembered too late why I maybe should not have been so honest with her.

Her fists were already folded, and she was ready to head back out, no doubt to hunt him down and skin him alive as she'd been threatening to for years.

"In the crowd outside the ice cream parlor."

"Are you sure? Of course, you are." She pulled me in for a hug, and I just sobbed into her chest as I tried to muffle the sound of my cries to prevent them from leaving the room.

"What is he doing here? Wasn't he in hiding or something? You think it's a coincidence?" I hadn't told her about the hospital and me sensing him there and now was not the time. Knowing her, she'd have her security team out looking for him before I could blink.

"I don't know; I'm not sure." Those are the words I said to her, but inside I was almost certain that it was no coincidence that he'd followed me here, and I don't know how to feel about that. A part of me wanted to be pleased that he was still interested, whatever that interest may be.

But the other part of me, the part that knows right from wrong, did not want the boy I'd fallen in love with to be the kind of man to leave his wife at home to follow after someone else. Oh, the irony. There'd been so much gossip about those two over the years, even when he and I were together, that he always denied it.

He never denied being with her when we were broken up, but he'd been with others as well and never lied about it. I knew some of the things he did back then were to get back at me, I did the same to him as well, so I understand. But cheating is not something I would expect from either of us, so why was he here? And why had he been in my hospital room?

‘This bastard, I hope no one else saw him, or there's going to be a shitstorm to deal with when we get back home. If he hurts you again, I won't let you talk me out of putting a hit out on him this time." I'm never too sure whether she's kidding about that or not. Knowing her, it's a toss-up.

"I know." I was thinking the same about the chaos this would cause if anyone found out that he was here, but I couldn't get the look in his eyes over the mask he'd worn out of my head. There was so much sadness in his eyes, a sadness I also felt through the connection that should've been long broken.

But why was he here now? And how will I ever know? No matter what, I won't go looking for him, and he'd better not approach me or say anything to me. I've put that whole thing behind me, and there is where it will stay.

I have to keep telling myself that so that I can deal with this new trauma because nothing hurts more than living in a world with half of your heart missing, except being that close to that missing part of you and not being able to do anything about it.

It's been a long time since I allowed myself to think about his marriage or the days leading up to it, days when we were still very much a couple. He'd broken me, no doubt about it, and then his wife and her friends had done their best to ensure that I never put the pieces back together again.

I'd come out on top after pulling myself out of the muck and mire, and I would never allow myself to be hurt like that again. I'd trained myself to hate him, to lose every ounce of feeling I ever had for him. And in a flash, in just a few seconds, he'd dismantled my whole program.

"I want to go back; I won't stay here a minute longer."

"Are you sure?" Sydney rubbed my back just as Rachel knocked on the door. Sydney gave me a look that asked if I was okay, and I nodded my head and dried my eyes before plastering another smile on my face.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Rachel looked back and forth between the two of us.

"Yes, I'm fine. We have to cut the trip short, is all. The project is starting a bit earlier than expected. You can stay here longer if you'd like, I don't want to spoil your holiday as well, and there's no reason for you to leave. I'll take a flight back, and you can stay here on the yacht for the next week as planned."

"Are you sure about this? Don't you need me to take care of things for you?" I waved my hand dismissively, wishing she'd just go because I was finding it harder by the second to hold myself together. "Yes, I'm sure."

"She'll be fine, don't worry; I'll be going back with her."

I guess the look of relief on Rachel's face was twofold. One, she got to finish out her vacation, and two, she wouldn't have to deal with Sydney, who has made no effort to hide her dislike for the other woman. Then again, since everything that had happened to me, she seemed to dislike almost everyone around me except for my mom and aunt, and uncle.

I didn't have time to think about my friend's mercurial moods right now, though; I had a flight to organize and bags to pack. Rachel finally left, and Sydney helped me pack when I refused to call the staff to do it. I knew I was running away and hated that about myself, but I just didn't want to deal with this right now.

I didn't want a regression back to that dark place again, and I knew if I stayed here, that's exactly what would happen. But his eyes, that sadness. Damn you, Ryder, we cannot be friends; you go away and stay away. Asshole!