Chapter 14

*Ryder*

"This is gold. Some of the best shit you've ever written." At least that was something, and I know from the way you're all looking at me that you know exactly who every one of them is about. I didn't say shit because they didn't say shit, and that was that.

I knew before I brought it to them that it was some of my best work. Because even if she wasn't there with me in the flesh, I had felt her spirit all over me in that studio. Just the memories of her had been enough to keep that fire ablaze, and the words kept coming as if they'd been locked away in there, just waiting to be released.

"So, when can I start the tour?"

"That's what I like to hear. Let's get these on the air, and then we'll get that all sorted. I think maybe a couple of months." I was shaking my head long before he said his last word.

"No, I need to get moving now. Do the release sooner and promote the tour at about the same time. I know it's not usually done, but I'm Ryder, and I can pull it off."

I left them to their shit and went for a drive. It was time for me to obsessively play her new album as I sped out to all of our old haunts. Since I didn't have her with me while in the studio, her memory and this last album had been my only company. I'd gotten a break from my annoying housemate all these months because she likes nothing more than to see me making money, the greedy bitch.

I almost ran into the back of a truck when I saw Elena on a billboard heading into the hills. "The fuck!" What did that say? It didn't look like a promo for music, though I'd heard through the grapevine that she was going on tour. I may or may not be putting a rush on my own so that we could maybe run into each other somewhere.

"I just want to see you. Why are you hiding from me?" It felt good to yell those words out loud. So I kept talking to her as if she were there with me. "I really miss you, you know. And I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry." I didn't try to stop the tears when they came this time, just kept driving faster.

If I could, I would've driven out of my life; that's how bad I felt. Working on the album had helped alleviate some of the pain, but now that it was over and my creative juices had been depleted for the next little while, I felt drained.

I thought the tour was a good idea that it would get me out of my head a little. But now that it was looming up ahead, I was no longer sure. I wanted to be here in case we ran into each other. I just needed something, some part of her. And though her album had gotten me through the last few months, it was no longer enough.

I pulled over at one of our favorite spots looking down at the city. It's not as amazing during the daytime, but at least it was somewhere we'd been together. I can't do this for much longer; I feel like I'm going out of my fucking mind, and there's no one and nowhere to turn to escape this pain that seems to be getting worst instead of better with time.

***

*Elena*

"Oh shit! I'm so nervous. Why did I think this was a good idea?" I wiped my sweaty hands on my thighs and tried to stay calm. The last thing I need is to have my blood pressure spike. Doing the documentary had been therapeutic; I can't deny that, but now that it was about to be released for the whole world to see, I was having second thoughts.

How will people see me now? Will they pity me? Turn on me? How will it be received? And why did I ever think that it was a good idea to bear my entire soul to the world? "It's going to be fine. Everyone said it was amazing." Rachel sat slouched in the chair across from me, her eyes glued to the screen of her phone.

"Yeah, but they're paid to say that." Then again, if I bomb, it wouldn't be so good for them either. I wish Ryder was here. Wait, what? Where the hell did that random ass thought come from? It's been years since I thought of him in that way or in any way, for that matter.

Why now? Why am I missing him so much these days? Ever since I started down this path, he's been ever present on my mind. I know it's partly because he's been there for so many of my firsts. He was the one who held my hand through my worst and best times, so I guess it's only natural for my brain to go there.

I'm almost certain that my anger at him had eased not just with time but with this project I'd just concluded. Bearing my soul not only exposed my inner reality but also forced me to look at Ryder and the truth about who he was and was.

It was hard to come to terms with the fact that he was and still is my one true love. It was even harder to accept that I may never love anyone else the way I love him. It's as if I'd given my all to him and our relationship, and there were only parts of me left to give to anyone else.

I'd got the best of him and he of me, I know that now, but something had gone very wrong, and I'm still no closer to knowing what that is. Another good thing about this project is that it taught me to let go. I'd put it all down on paper, then record it in front of cameras to share with the world.

I held nothing back because it was the only way I knew how to get the poison out of my system. After tonight I won't look back.

***

*Ryder*

I was on tour when I first heard about her documentary. It wouldn't have mattered what the subject matter was about; as long as I got to see her, I'd have watched paint dry. "When the fuck did all of this happen? What am I looking at?" I think I had my first real clarity sitting on that tour bus watching her show than I'd had since I became a so-called star.

But none of what she was saying made sense. Who the fuck bullied her? No one would even dare with me by her side. That's just it, asshole. You weren't there. That only made the whole thing worse. I watched it three times before things became clearer, and I made a snap decision.

"How long of a break do we have between cities?"

"A couple of days. Why?"

"I need to make a detour."

"Where to?"

I started to answer, but something held my tongue. I don't know why but something told me not to say a word of truth.

He tried to look at my computer screen, but I closed it just in time because her image was still there on pause. "Nowhere in particular; I just have a taste for this thing I haven't had in a while." From the way he smiled at me, I knew he thought I was talking about drugs.

That led me to wonder why someone who was supposed to be there for me would want me on that shit. If he noticed that I was looking at him a bit, askance he didn't show it; he just went back to his phone. I had to think and think fast if I was going to pull this off, but I knew I had to do it.

But who could I trust? And why do I suddenly have this fear that I can trust no one? It was something I could put my finger on, but it was there in my gut. There was only one person other than her that I could turn to for answers.

Not that I trusted this person, she'd fucked me up royally from birth, but we were in a better place now, or at least we used to be. I hadn't seen much of her since I got married. Why is that again? I don't remember any falling out or anything that would keep us apart.

When I was with Elena, she made it a point to have my mother around. We were always either going to her, or she was coming to us. That's one thing about Elena. She was all about family and had shown me the joys of being surrounded by your blood.

So what happened? What had caused the rift between us these last few years? I thought really hard and tried to remember but kept drawing a blank. I closed my eyes and slid down in my chair as if falling asleep, but my mind was working in a way it hadn't in a long time. I still would give my left nut for something to take the edge off.

***

"Ryder, what are you doing here? I thought you were on tour halfway across the world."

"I am, Mom, but I need something from you. I need your help with something."

"What? What is it? What's got you so flustered?"

"I need you to tell me about this." I held up my phone with the image of the promo for Elena's documentary.

"Oh, you've seen it. It's a real tear-jerker, isn't it?"

"Yes, but what the hell is it about?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, is any of this true? Did these things really happen to her, and who the fuck did it?"

"Are you serious? Wait, you are serious. You mean you didn't know?"

"Know what?"

"Everything she said is true. I'm still reeling from how brave she is to have done that. Thankfully it was a big hit, but it could've gone sideways for her."

"I do not understand a word you're saying, Mom. Tell me about the bullying and the social media bullshit."

"Who else? Your wife and those friends of hers were behind it. You too, so I don't know why you're pretending here now."

"Me too what?"

"Don't play coy, Ryder; you said some pretty awful things about her on social media as well." That doesn't sound right. Wasn't Janie and my people in charge of that?

"Show me!" She seemed skeptical at first, but then she led me into the family room and turned on her iPad. "Here it all is. I don't know why I kept a folder full of this nonsense, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

It took hours of back and forth, and my anger grew with each minute that passed. "I didn't know about any of this."

"How could you not know? Weren't you there?"

"In a word, no."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I spent the last four years drunk and high."

"What do you mean? I thought Janie said she was getting you help for the drugs and alcohol addiction. No wonder you look like shit. I knew that shit about you being sick was crap. I should've come to see you myself."

"Why didn't you?"

"Are you for real? Your wife and her family all but threw us out the last time we were there."

I didn't know how to feel about the things she was saying and the picture she was painting. Some things that I'd once put off as drug-induced hallucinations now seemed to warrant a closer look.

"I don't understand why they would do this." What was the point behind all this? Why was Janie doing it? Hadn't she won? And why did some of the things she'd said sound like things Elena had shared with me in confidence? How had she got ahold of that information? I looked down at my phone as the answer came to me.

I never erased the past conversations and texts between Elena and me. Though it had been some time since I last looked at any of them, I could almost repeat them verbatim. That's how I'd recognized them in some of the things that had been shared on social media by my wife and her inner circle.

"What the fuck is going on here?"

"You tell me. Are you saying that you had no part in all of this?"

"I don't know anything about any of it. I've been either at the bottom of a bottle or coked up out of my head since the day before I got married."

"That doesn't make any sense. She promised, that's why I didn't mind staying away. They said it was better for you that we stayed away. That you didn't need any reminders of the past."

"Who said? What are you talking about?"

"Janie, her dad, that Mary person, and Matt."

"Matt? My spiritual advisor?"

"Yeah, they were all in agreement that it was what was best for you."

"Something's not right. Listen, Mom, I need you to get to the bottom of this. I have too many eyes on me right now to do much of anything, but please promise me you'll look into this. Take this money, use it, and if you need more, get back to me."

I gave her the bricks of cash I'd brought along with me. "This is too much, Ryder; how much money is this?"

"I don't know, a couple of hundred grand, I think."

"We don't know how much this is gonna cost; keep it. I've got to get back; no one knows that I'm gone. I need to be back in my room at the hotel across the border when they wake up."

That alone should've told me that there was something off. I just never had a clear enough moment to put two and two together. Now it was all becoming clearer; I just don't know the why of it. Why had they said all those lies about her? Why did they go through my phone and even use my accounts at some times to tarnish her like that?

Is this why she made the documentary? Knowing her, she'd have come out swinging when backed into a corner. My sweet angel does have a mean streak in her when riled, but she's always been fair, and there isn't a lying bone in her body.

She'd made the last play; she'd hit back at them with the documentary. What are these fucks going to go after her with next? And what the fuck am I gonna do about it?