Chapter 56

* Ryder *

“I wish I could be like you.” After all of my thinking, that’s what I came up with. It wasn’t much, but it’s a start. I don’t mean to come across as weak and rudderless, which I have been for a while, but the reality is I have no role models. No one that I could really look up to and aspire to be like.

The people I thought were my friends and chosen family are, in fact, the orchestrators of my downfall. They never liked me and never wanted what was best for me. Otherwise, they would never have done so much to get rid of Elena. All I ever was to them was money, something to be used for their own gain.

“Oh yeah, how is that?”

“Confident, bold. You seem very self-assured.” He was also the type of man who didn’t mince words or care who was listening. I’ve known him for less than twenty-four hours, and I think he opened up to me more than people I’ve known for more than half my life. He didn’t seem at all bothered that his subordinates were listening in on our conversation; in fact, he doesn’t treat them like they’re under him in any way but as equals. The guy is an enigma, that’s for sure.

In L.A., anyone with any kind of clout has to make it known to all and sundry. It’s like breathing to them or their life’s blood. Being the one on top so you can trample and not get trampled has always been the way out here in Hollywood, at least from what I’ve come to see. But this guy was as laid back as to be asleep, and his men trusted him. Why wouldn’t I want to be like that? It’s a far cry, though, from what I always thought I wanted.

“To do that, you’ve got to do two things, one-stop looking back. The past is the past. Leave it there. Two, you have to tell yourself until you believe it that there is no one greater than you on this earth.”

“What? How can that be?” He didn’t seem like a megalomaniac.

“All men are born the same, and we die the same. Some of us get help to that end, but death is the same no matter how it happens. If you know what that means, then you won’t ever let another being who looks like you make you feel like you’re less than them.”

“That’s kind of hard, isn’t it? With class systems and caste systems and everything else we’ve got going on in the world.”

“That’s bullshit made up by men. Even my five-year-old triplets know that shit. Men have always come up with ways to oppress other men; you’ve got to stare that shit in the face and say fuck that, not today, not any fucking day.”

“Money and possessions aren’t what makes anyone great kid; that’s a myth. It’s what’s in here and here.” He pointed to his head and heart. “You’ve got to have the heart to believe in your own worth, to know that you were made great and own that shit. When you get to that point, you will stand before kings and queens and any so-called dignitary in this piss-poor world and look them in the eye because you know that they’re no greater than you because of their possessions or because they were born in a different social bracket.”

“That’s the most awesome shit I’ve ever heard. So is this what you’ve taught your daughter? Is that why she is the way she is?”

“That one came out the womb on some shit.” I didn’t mean to set him off again, but that’s exactly what happened, and for the next five minutes, her uncles defended her from him, which I found both comical and heartwarming. Apparently, Mancini was the cause of all his daughter’s wrongdoings or the instigator behind her every scheme.

This accusation caused another argument that sounded more like playful banter than the kind of heavy, intense standoff you’d expect with men like these. Even Zak and Tyler seemed more relaxed than in the weeks they’d been with me, and I realized they fed off of each other’s energy in a very positive way. For the first time in my life, I felt very alone, like an outsider looking in.

“You guys don’t care about money or fame, then.” It was a statement of observation that hit me just then. As someone who’d lived my life on those two things, thinking that they were what I needed to be someone in this world, that seemed odd and not too realistic.

“No, we don’t. You could say that’s easy for me to say because I have money. We all do. But the truth is, I have money, yes, but I don’t know where the fuck it goes because my wife and kids rob me every sixty seconds of every damn day. I don’t need money to be who I am, and neither do you. Money is just one of life’s many trappings, but it ain’t the end all and be all, now, is it? You’ve got millions, and I have yet to see a sorrier sight than your ass. That should answer your own question for you. Dafuq they teaching you kids these days anyway? Not the one of you has any damn substance.”

“So, that does answer my question, I guess. You do teach your daughter this stuff. And that’s exactly why she is the way she is.”

“Don’t put that shit on me. Mengele is a whole other breed of something. She got it from her mother.” There was a round of snorts from the others who ignored Lyon’s glares. I took that to mean that his daughter was just like him, something I kinda picked up on already.

“You keep talking about my kid, so I’ll use her as an example. My kid is no different from you. She was born with a gift as well. Hers just manifested itself in a different way, and so are all my kids and theirs, the nieces as you call them. All of them were born with something. That’s what I mean that we’re all born the same, each of us imbued with some kind of gift that we either let grow or smother. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s no one greater than me, but I have met some grade-A assholes who are way beneath me, like these beasts we’re hunting down, animals in human form. They don’t count because I don’t see them as human any damn way.”

“I don’t think I’m anything like your daughter. You can’t compare her genius with my art. It’s on a whole other level, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not. If we were all good at the same thing, won’t shit get done. Stop looking at other people and focus on yourself. Build yourself up and be the best damn you that you can be. I’m going to take a nap. Where the fuck is this house anyway? Feels like we’ve been in this car for damn near ever.”

“We were trying to outmaneuver the paparazzi Lyon, so it’s taking a bit longer.” Zak, who was the one driving, answered him, and that seemed to settle him down. I looked at him out of the side of my eye as I went back to my thinking. If I saw this guy on the street, I wouldn’t even think of approaching him.

He looks like he eats nails for every meal, but he’s the most open, honest, and smart person I think I’ve ever met. He’s opinionated, yes, but in a good way. And with him, I get the feeling that I can take his word for whatever it is that he’s saying. It’s like a shock to the system to be surrounded by people like them after the plasticity of Hollywood and the life I had become a part of.

There was a weird song coming from his phone, something ominous and dark, and it took me a second to realize it was a ringtone.

“Shit, what the hell does she want now? Yeah, Mengele, what is it?” The call lasted less than a minute. He hung up the phone and swore.

“What is it? Did something happen?” Mancini, the silent one, asked from somewhere behind me with a whole lot of excitement in his voice.

“Turn on that social media fuckery, Mancini, and see what your niece is up to. By the way, she just made your ex-father-in-law homeless.” He looked at me when he said that.

“What? How? I thought they gave him an extension?”

“They did. She used my fucking money to buy it from the bank.”

My head started spinning. “You let your daughter have access to millions of dollars?”

“I don’t let my daughter do shit. Mancini, what’s the holdup?”

Mancini took out his phone and went online. “Damn, I’m gonna need popcorn for this.” He always has so much pride in his voice when he speaks about that little girl.

“What did she do?” Lyon grumbled.

“I’ll read it to you. ‘How did the F-list celebrity wanna be afford to send his delusional daughter to that fancy private school when he was broke for more than half her life?’

“Damn, that’s vicious even for her,” Lyon smirked.

I waited for the rest, but there was nothing forthcoming. “Well, how did she say he did it?” Funny, I never questioned that before.

“She’s not going to say,” Lyon answered.

“Why not? What kind of sense does that make?”

“She’s sending your fans on a feeding frenzy. Now that she’s put it out there, it’s going to start the conversation, people are gonna go looking, and most likely, they’ll find the breadcrumbs she no doubt has left for them to follow. Diabolical little shit.”

That’s not only diabolical; that’s a genius mind. I think I’m just a little bit afraid of that kid. “There’s something I don’t understand. Your daughter is the one doing all this. What are the other nieces doing?”

“One is a computer freak who likes breaking into people’s shit for fun, and the other one is a professional serial killer in the making.”

“That’s not fair, Lyon. They’re all professional killers in the making. Haven’t you seen the way they train?”

That was cause for another round of rants which I was coming to appreciate more and more for the comic relief I needed to offset the dark shit that was going on in my life. To have someone so positively indulgent in my life would’ve been a great asset when I was younger; then, I wouldn’t be in the hell that I was now.

He’s right, though; just look ahead, do better, and fix what I can of the past. Starting with Elena.

There was no question that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her if she’d let me. But even if she was going to take it easy on me, I won’t be so lenient with myself. I’ll pay her back for every wrong done to her by me or because of me, and I’ll give her all the love she deserves while doing it.

Having my mind made up on that score went a long way to easing some of the angst and worry I’ve been carrying around with me for days, weeks, maybe even years. I can do this. I might not end up as strong and self-confident as Lyon and the rest of these guys, but I’m sure going to give it my best shot.

***

She was standing at the balcony rails looking out at the night when I walked into the bedroom. I got that hitch in my heart at the sight of her and butterflies in my stomach the way I used to when we were young and new before all the drama started. Come to think of it, those butterflies never went away; they were always there. I just stopped noticing. Something else I’d lost in the shuffle.

She seemed to sense me since I didn’t make a sound and turned around. And just then, with the moonlight framing her from behind, her dark tresses flowing down to her back, she looked fresh and young, carefree, just the way I like to see her. And then she smiled, and I felt it in my gut. That smile, oh, how I’d missed it.

“Rye, you’re back.” I was so excited by that welcome that it took me a second to realize what she’d called me. It had been too long since I heard her call me that. It reminded me of the night in the clinic when she called out for me in her sleep.

“What did you call me?” She looked away shyly as I walked closer.

“Say it again. Look at me.” I raised her eyes to mine with a finger under her chin.

“Rye!” My smile, I was sure, was brighter than the moon outside. Her eyes fell to the blanket I still had thrown around my shoulders, and it was my turn to blush.

“Ryder, you were at the clinic.”

“Yes, every day until it was time for you to leave.” She threw her arms around my neck, and I closed my eyes in bliss as I wrapped mine around her in return. As hard up as I was to see her after just a few hours apart, it’s a wonder I made it all those years without this. Her hugs remind me of everything good about my teens. The times we had together when we were young and starry-eyed. The way I used to look at her in awe and wonder, that I got to spend every day with her for as long as I live.

“Come. Let’s sit. There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Okay, but can we stay out here on the balcony? I like the way the garden looks at night.”

“Sure, whatever you want.” How easy was it to say that now? Why hadn’t I….? No, stop, no looking back, remember?

Once again, she took my hand and led me, this time to one of the chairs on the balcony outside our bedroom.

“You haven’t changed at all, have you.”

“What do you mean?” It was a weird juxtaposition, but it struck me that she had some of what Lyon has. The way she so easily jumped back into being the way we once were without question shows some sort of confidence, doesn’t it? She’s either all in or not at all. Something I never really noticed until now.

“You remind me of Lyon, the female version.”

“Uh-oh, I hope that’s a compliment. He seems a bit scary.”

“He is that, but something he said kinda sounds like something you were always trying to warn me about. He said Hollywood is full of not-so-nice people and that he wouldn’t let his dog live here. In fact, what he said was he wouldn’t even let his dog take a shit here.” That was said during one of his many rants about the perfidy of this place and the industry and culture as a whole.

I was stalling, buying time before I opened this Pandora’s box that could go sideways and blow up in my face. I was not one for airing my dirty laundry, especially when it put me in a bad light. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but Lyon was right.

Once my enemies realized that the tide had turned, they were going to want to use my hidden skeletons against me. It was best if I got out ahead of them now before the public flagellations began, and the only person’s opinion I cared about was hers. I think I was just too tired to care about anything else at this point.

“This happened before we met the first time. When I first came out here.” Damn, this was even harder than I thought. She seemed to realize that and sat forward in her chair and reached for my hand.

“Take your time. I’m here.” How could those few innocent words mean so much? Because they came from her, that’s why.

“I went to a party when I first came out here. It was one of those big Hollywood things that only a select few are invited to, and the one who took me was my mentor at the time. I was a bright-eyed starry-eyed kid who believed in all the pomp and circumstance of being a star, and I couldn’t see anything else.” Damn, it’s hard to believe I was ever that young.

“I’d heard stories of what went on at those things, of course, but I didn’t believe any of it. I didn’t believe in the conspiracy theories about this place. They always just seemed to be the jealous ramblings of people who didn’t make the cut, or so I always believed.”

“That night, I was very excited. All the big names in the industry were going to be there, and like I said, my mentor was the one who invited me. I trusted him and put myself entirely in his hands. Come to think of it, so did my mom. We were both taken in by all the promises of fame and fortune and when you want something as badly as I wanted all of that, you overlook even your own conscience and inner warnings.”

“I was young, yes, very young, but even then, I knew I wanted it all, no matter what it took. Of course, I had no idea of the price I would pay or how my greed for fame and fortune would shape my life from that night on.” It has taken me this long to realize and accept that most of what I had become was formed on that fateful night. And because I’d refused to revisit it even in my inner thoughts, it had overpowered and overshadowed my every action. The thing that I thought would make me had, in fact, broken a part of me that I know I will never put back together. There were just some things that, once done, couldn’t be undone.

“Anyway, about that night, it was supposed to be my introduction to the big-name players in the industry. Record execs, label heads, all the bigwigs were going to be there. The biggest names in the industry, people I looked up to and wanted to be.” I can still see and smell that place whenever I let myself remember. I can still feel the way I had that night, young, innocent, eager, and so excited to have finally made it into the big leagues and at a very young age at that.

“That night, something happened. Something I’ve always been ashamed of, and I’ve never been able to say it to anyone. I tried erasing it from my mind. I think that was one of the reasons I never fought the addiction and just went with it. Even when I suspected that someone was responsible for getting me addicted before I even knew I was on something, I didn’t look too deep into it because, in the back of my mind, it was what I deserved. That night….”

“Stop, Rye. You don’t have to say anymore. I think I know where you’re going with this.” There were tears in her eyes, and that hurt me more than the memory of my lost innocence.

“Really?” How could she know? Her mom had always been there watching over her, never allowing her to stray too far from her upbringing and the values they held so dear. I see that now, the reason she was so against us being together once I started messing up. What I once hated about the woman I now admired. She was a great protector of my girl, and for that, I should thank her instead of the resentment I so often felt.

“Yes, you’re saying that Mary Hudson wasn’t the only one who harmed you in that way.” I could only nod my head, too ashamed to look at her. Why did I think I could do this? Now my dark secret was out, and I could never take back the words. For the rest of my life, she’s going to know this about me.

“You poor boy, you poor, poor boy. Come here.” She pulled my head down to her chest and rocked me back and forth like a child, and I almost wept at her acceptance. She’d made something that could’ve been my worst nightmare into something very different.

There was no accusation, no censure in her voice, just loving kindness and acceptance. She wouldn’t use this against me, of this I was certain. But was it fair to burden her with this as well? To have her carry this around with me, for me? I guess being in love makes you think about those things, but it sure felt good to finally share it with someone and who better than my life mate?