Chapter 105

* Janie *

I have to eat something. It’s been days since I was dropped off here, and if I go much longer without food, I just might die. I’m sure that’s what the little bitch intended. No food, no drugs, and living with my enemies has started taking a toll on me in the worst way.

Those two stay together all day, isolating me to the point that I can’t even enjoy the beauty of this place. What’s worse is there’s nothing to do here, no television, no phone, no exercise machines, nothing.

All I do all day is go for walks around the garden. At least that’s what I did my first few days here, but I’m so hungry and tired I can’t even do that anymore because I have no strength left.

Most of the time, it feels as if I’m losing my mind being alone with my thoughts, and it seems to be worse because of my surroundings. You’d think with all this beauty around me, I’d be more inclined to want to do things, but I can’t bring myself to want to do anything.

I think I’m slowly losing my mind. I can feel it happening, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it, and it’s scary. If I was high, I wouldn’t care, but there’s not so much as a Tylenol in this whole place. Believe me, I looked.

I’ve been alone with my own thoughts for so long that all I think about these days is the past because there’s nothing to look forward to. I never knew what living without hope felt like until now, and the thought of ending it all seems to be all I have to look forward to.

I cried out, broken, and didn’t have the energy for anything but hate anymore. The worst is thinking about all the things I should’ve done differently. All the ways I messed up and knowing that there was no going back just made it all harder.

My stomach growled, and I snapped. There was no point in trying to stay skinny, no point in life, period, so why not eat the crap that she had stocked this place with? I’m sure she has a reason for doing this; only time will tell. Everything she does seems to have a purpose; I just wish I knew why she has it out for me.

I opened the cupboards that were filled with every processed food you could think of and became filled with rage. “You bitch, you just want me to be fat.” There was no one there in the room with me, but I was sure the little bitch could hear me because she was everywhere.

I started pulling out bags from the cupboard and just tearing into them, not really caring what I was stuffing into my face at this point. I vaguely remember making fun of Elena when she gained weight and felt hot tears of anger roll down my cheeks.

So, this is her game. To make me suffer the same way I had made that bitch suffer. I don’t care anymore. I could care less what anyone thinks of me. My life is over anyway; if only I had the courage to end it all.

But each time, I think that there’s still just the tiniest glimmer of hope that things could turn around. There could still be a way back; I just have to find it. But I can’t think; my thoughts are too jumbled and hunger and pain are making me feel confused.

Memories and thoughts are blending into each other, blurring the lines between what’s real and what I imagined. This must be what it feels like to slowly lose your mind. What a vicious bitch.

I heard footsteps behind me but didn’t care to look to see which one of them it was; we hadn’t said a word to each other in days, anyway, and every day ends the same.

I fight not to eat any of this shit; they do the same but at different intervals, and then the three of us end up here anyway. Days have started running into each other until I no longer know what time it is. There’s nothing here to tell us anything about where we are or how long we’re supposed to be here.

You’d think being in a place like this, a marble mansion in the middle of the most beautiful landscape I’ve ever seen would be a virtual paradise, but it’s not. There’s something very wrong with being in this place and feeling the way I do. It’s like someone or something is saying that if I can’t find peace here, then I won’t find it anywhere.

I’m sure it’s all part of some twisted plan but I can’t for the life of me figure out what. Why bring us here amidst all this beauty only to make us suffer? I have one victory though, the thing she wants me to think about I have not thought of even once.

The pain is too raw, too real, each time I think of Ryder and where he might be and what he must be doing with that bitch. It was Noelle who stepped over me to get to the refrigerator, which I saw when I looked up.

“You’re getting fat. What would your mother say if she could see you now? Oh wait, that bitch is dead.” How long have we been here that she was already gaining weight? I started to ask that very question when I felt a hand across my face, and then someone else was pulling my hair from above and slamming my head into the island cupboard behind me.

It was both of them attacking me, and I was no match for them in my weak state. Just for calling her fat. Hadn’t we done this a million times? Hadn’t the three of us shamed others online over the years? Were we ever really friends?

That question left me feeling cold and alone. I stopped fighting back and just let them punch and kick to their heart’s content. There was no point anyway. It was all a lie, all of it.

“Ladies, have you forgotten the rules?” All three of us froze at the voice coming out of the wall somewhere above our heads.

“Let us out of here, you bitch.”

“In time, but first, I have a special treat for you. Why don’t you go to the theater room? It’ll be ready in a few minutes. If you choose not to go, the consequences might be dire.”

The three of us scrambled to go, but not before grabbing bags of chips and cookies, which was all we could safely grab. There was no telling what she would do if we didn’t listen this time.

The last time we didn’t do as we were told, she played some kind of horrendous sound throughout the night that kept us from sleeping but also made us throw up until I was dehydrated, or at least that’s what it felt like. As bad as my existence was, she somehow finds ways to make it even worse whenever she shows up.

As soon as we entered the room, a screen lit up, and there they were. I wasn’t sure at first if it was live or a prerecording, but it didn’t take long to figure it out when the little sticker appeared in the corner of the screen.

There had to be hundreds of thousands of people there. Chanting their names, hailing them even as they stood on the stage in the spotlight being adored.

I had the strong urge to dig my eyes out and plug something into my ears so that I did not hear or see this. I looked over at the other two, and they weren’t doing much better.

I know we were all thinking the same thing, but we all knew that if we left this room, there would be hell to pay. So, there was nothing to do but sit there and watch as Ryder and Elena performed their first concert together.

***

* Ryder *

I’ve never been this nervous before a concert before. That could be attributed to the fact that I was usually high back then, but there’s more to it than that this time around. Although Lyon had assured us that there was nothing to worry about, I couldn’t shake the feeling after knowing what I do now about the things that happened in the past.

I have serious guilt about the things that were done using my name before, and now added to that is the fact that Elena has been sucked into this mess because of me.

I keep looking over at her as we do our last and final mic checks before the night starts, just to make sure that she’s doing okay. Not that there’s anything we can do about it now, either way. When we pulled up to the venue a little while ago in our secured vehicle, it looked like there were hundreds, if not thousands, of people out there waiting already.

If we were to cancel now for any reason, it would just make things worse, and I can’t have any backlash on her. She’d suffered enough. This would be our first concert together after years of trying to make it happen when we were together before and never getting the opportunity.

I know now, thanks to the Sanders group and Lyon’s squad, that it was all a calculated effort on the part of Mary Hudson and my management team to keep us apart. I know these things happened. I’ve seen the evidence, but I still find it hard to accept that there can be people like this who actually exist outside of a movie screen.

But one of the things I’d learned in my last rehab was to never bury my head in the sand or pretend that something isn’t what it is. To face things head-on for what they truly are unless I might slip back into my bad habits in order to escape reality.

As the time drew near, I got more and more excited even though there was a hint of fear that things might go wrong. I wanted this so much, to show the world that we had beaten the odds and come out stronger, but what if things didn’t go as planned?

Just as I had that thought, the man himself entered the room where I had gone to decompress before we got started while she was in makeup. There’s something about his presence that relaxes me. If he says that everything will be okay, I will believe him, no questions asked.

“How are we doing, kid?”

“I’m getting there. I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I’ve done a thousand shows, but for some reason, this one seems to be the hardest.”

“That’s because you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. What did you want out of tonight?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what is it that you want the world to know?” That was a tough one. It should be simple, but for someone who did this high off my ass my entire career, not to mention the hell that has been my life the last five years, there’s so much more to this one concert than I’ve ever had riding on anything before.

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Do you want to do this or not?”

“Of course… wait, you can stop it?”

“I can do anything, but it’s what you want that counts. I can get you out of here, no questions asked and no hard feelings.”

“But what about Elena?”

“What about her?”

“What do you mean what about her? This is for her. Don’t you get it? This is my way of showing the world that we’re together again. I need to do this to erase all the pain and heartache she suffered because of me and what I did to her.”

“Are you sure? Because you can go back to being a selfish jackass and leave her hanging out there to dry. You can embarrass her again by not going out on that stage.”

“What the hell are you saying, Lyon?”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

“Of course not.”

“Then what is it that you want?”

“I want to give her everything. I want her fans to see her healed and happy. I want people to stop second-guessing our relationship. I want the last five years to never have happened.”

“But they did happen, and you did do those things. Now you’ve made reparation, and you’re trying to do the right thing. Maybe you should forgive yourself.”

“Forgive myself?”

“Yes, forgive yourself. You’re as much a victim as she is, but you don’t seem to accept that. The people who interfered with your lives didn’t just hurt her; you lost a lot, too, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but she was the one… I feel sick.”

He walked over and slapped me on the back reassuringly. ‘Tonight is about new beginnings. You have to leave all of this here in this room. Don’t take it out there with you. But you have to do it for yourself, not just for Elena.”

“Ryder, oh, hi, Mr. Lyon. I didn’t know you two were busy; I’ll come back.”

“No no, I was just about to leave. You two talk.” He gave me one last look before leaving the room.

“Are you okay? You look stressed.”

I started to lie to her that it was just the usual pre-performance jitters but thought better of it at the last minute. If, like he says, tonight was about new beginnings, then I didn’t want to start the night off with a lie.

“I’m scared.”

“Me too!”

“You are? What are you scared about? The performance?” She shook her head no.

“I’m afraid that it might be too much for you.”

She walked into my arms, and I held her, or we held each other, and all those raw feelings seemed to disappear. As much as I wished we were back at her apartment in the city with the blinds closed and the rest of the world shut out, I knew that if we wanted to have any kind of life going forward together, that this night had to happen.

“I’m sorry you have to do this because of me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, you know the reason we’re doing this is to undo the damage I’ve done over the last five years. If none of that had happened, we wouldn’t be here now.”

“Ryder, stop it, look at me. We don’t live for the world anymore, do you understand? What happened is in the past, you and me, we’ve forgiven each other, and now we’re moving on. Tonight is for our fans, a way to repay them for standing by us through all this, but you and I, we’re past this already. It’s just a performance. You’ve done everything you needed to do for me. I forgave you, and you forgave me.”

“What did you need forgiveness for?”

“I wasn’t perfect, Ryder, and I’m never going to be. We both did and said things that we’re not proud of, but that’s all behind us now. So let’s just go out there and sing our hearts out.”

***

* Elena *

It’s funny, but seeing him so nervous and unsure of himself gave me the confidence I needed to get through the night. I had the same doubts he had; that’s why I’d sought him out, but seeing him like that made me feel like I had to be strong for both of us.

If not for the fans, those people who had been there for us through thick and thin, I wouldn’t want to be here either, and that brought me to the realization that I had been fighting for a while now.

“What do you say after the concert, we take a long break?”

“That sounds like a great idea. Let’s find a place that no one knows or would ever think to find us and just lay low for a while.”

“Perfect!

***

The response from the crowd when we stepped out on stage brought tears to my eyes. Whatever angst I was feeling disappeared as we stood in the spotlight holding hands as our adoring fans screamed out our names.

We both turned to each other and smiled before breaking into song. With each song, I felt lighter; each time I looked over at him or he came over to my side, a little more of the pain from before was eviscerated.

I felt reborn like everything had come full circle. By the time we sang our last song, I felt like I had given back what I needed to, like I had given it my all. We left the stage to the roaring sounds of the crowd as they chanted for more.

After years of hiding away and licking my wounds, it felt amazing to leave on a high note. Now, all that was left was to look forward to a bright future together.

Epilogue

***

* Elena *

“What did you say?”

“You’re pregnant. From the looks of it, I’d say you’re about five months along.”

“That can’t be right. I can’t have kids.” What kind of sick game is he playing? I’ve known for a long time that I couldn’t have children; this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with, and now that I am finally over it…

“There’s no reason you can’t have a child barring your own fears. Your body is perfectly healthy to carry. I’m not sure why anyone would tell you differently.”

“But my doctor in L.A. said it was impossible.

“Your doctor in L.A. is a quack.”

My mind was a jumble of thoughts all running together until nothing made sense. “Did you say five months?”

“Yes, and there’s one more thing: you’re having twins. Because of the medication you were on, we’ll keep a close eye on things to make sure everything goes smoothly, but so far, everything looks good.”

“Are you sure? I’ve been taking all sorts of medicine for a while.” Did the kid know? Is this why she told me to stop taking the medication? No, that doesn’t make sense. We’ve never met. But it’s true that ever since I took her advice, I’ve been feeling better.

She’d even recommended this new doctor but hadn’t told me why. A lot of things had come to light in the last few months; first, the fact that my mental health had been compromised by a shady doctor who had been hired by Mary and her ilk.

That was one thing to accept, but learning that my physical illness was also a lie is something I was still struggling to accept, and now this. “The nurse will give you a prescription; we’ve gotten the drugs out of your system in the last few months, but let’s stay vigilant.”

“Is there something wrong with the baby?” my hand went to my stomach, which didn’t look or feel any different.

“As I said, we’ll keep a close eye on things, but so far, everything seems fine.”

After she left, I was in a daze. I didn’t know if I should be happy or afraid. And Ryder, what was he going to think? We’d had the talk and had made peace with the fact that I could never have children because that’s what I had been told.

He was in his studio on the other side of the property, but I didn’t have the strength to walk all the way over there. Maybe I should get my thoughts together first before sharing the news with him. But I didn’t want to be alone.

I texted him and walked upstairs to our bedroom. A smile in my heart wanted to break free, but I was too afraid. What if this was all just a dream? Could things really be going this well for us? A baby! I’m having a baby. One more dream come true.

The last few months have been nothing short of miraculous. After our last concert Lyon and his people had squirreled us away under cover of darkness to bring us here.

We’d thought about going back to the place Ryder had bought, but that was too close to our old lives, and we both wanted a break. It would still be there in the future if we ever decided to go back to L.A., but for now, our little hideaway in the mountains has been perfect.

Our days were spent doing as we pleased, fishing in the pond on the land, watching the stars at night, or just relaxing in the hammock on the porch. We were always together, never too far from each other, and slowly but surely, the pain of the last five years had started to go away.

We’d pretty much shut out the outside world and didn’t know much of what was going on, which had done wonders for both of us. Every once in a while, we’d do a live stream for our fans, but so far, they had been accepting and understanding of our need for this downtime.

We have the Sanders group to thank for that because they handled all the PR for us. With no outside interference and no pressing matters to see to, we had slowly gotten back to how things were supposed to be.

When the kid, as I’d started thinking of her, had made the suggestion that I see a new doctor, I didn’t think much would come of it. I’d been taking the medications prescribed to me and hadn’t had a flare-up or a wayward thought in months.

I was happy and healthy, and so was Ryder. Neither of us had any regrets. It had taken some convincing with Mom and Sydney who were wary of Ryder and I getting back together and going off somewhere together so soon after everything had happened, but I’d put my foot down and made the choice myself.

This is what I wanted; this is all I’ve ever wanted: to have a life with Ryder. Had things not happened the way they did, we would’ve been here long before this. But I’ve come to learn that it’s never too late for anything as long as there’s life.

So much has happened beyond him, and I. Rachel had been sentenced to a very long stretch in jail for her part in the whole mess, but the doctor had disappeared, and no one knows where he is.

Janie, too, seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth, and so had Nicole and Noel. There was a lot of speculation as to where they could be, but no one had any ideas. Janie’s Dad was sitting on death row for the murder of Mary Hudson, and that whole mess had been exposed.

I try not to think about any of that to leave it all behind me because it only fills me with anger and frustration. But, as much as I want her to pay for what she’d done, my life is much happier without the stress and in the end, Ryder and I decided that it was best to just let it all go.

He seems to think that wherever they are, they’re paying for their sins, but that’s left to be seen. These days, I don’t even wish her harm; I don’t wish her anything; actually, I try not to think about her. She’d taken enough away from me in this life, and I wasn’t willing to give her anything more.

I heard rushing up the stairs and took a deep breath, preparing to give him the shock of his life.

“I came as soon as I got your message. What’s wrong? Are you sick again? What did the doctor say?

Do we need to get you to the hospital?” His panic helped ease the knots in my stomach.

“Nothing happened, Ryder. Calm down. I’m perfectly fine. We are perfectly fine.”

“We? Who’s we?”

“I patted my stomach and looked at him.”

“We, your baby and me.”

“You… you’re pregnant?” I nodded my head as he made his way over to the bed where I laid.

I rolled my eyes when he got that stupid smile on his face. “How long? I mean, how pregnant are you?”

“Five months.” He touched my stomach reverently with a look of wonder on his face.

“We have to move the wedding up. I want my kid to be born after we’re married. Is that okay?”

“That’s perfectly okay, but how will we do it since we’re basically in hiding?”

“Do you need a big do?”

“No, we can get married just the two of us, my Mom and Sydney, and, of course, your mother as well.” It had taken him some time to forgive his Mom, but once I convinced him that she deserved a second chance, he’s been trying.

We’ve both spent the months here healing from the past and looking forward to the future, now we had one more thing to look forward to. “I guess that doctor back in L.A. lied about a lot of things.”

“Yeah, after everything came to light, I don’t know why I still believed him about my inability to get pregnant. I guess I’ve believed it for so long that it never crossed my mind to doubt.”

I guess it took a minute for the reality to set in, and once it did, we both rolled around the bed, holding each other and laughing. A year ago, I never would have believed that this was possible. I had given up all hope of finding my happily ever after, but now, here we are, and I’ve never been happier in my life.

I looked at my engagement ring with pride, and he took my hand in his, placing both of them over my stomach where our child slept.

* Lyon *

“How did she do it?”

“My guess is either Russo or Track helped her.”

“And none of you thought to stop her?”

“Who can do that other than you?”

“Where is she? Get her in here.”

I looked back at the screen where those three women Mengele had kidnapped were fighting each other. They looked nothing like their former selves because my daughter had kept them on a steady diet of sugar and junk for the last few months.

She came sauntering into the room with that damn dog that was now bigger than she was. “Mengele, what’s your game here?”

“What do you mean, Daddy? What game?”

I turned the screen around so she could see what I was talking about. “This, how did you do it?”

“Oh, that, it’s a live show.”

“I know what it is; I’m asking you how you did it or, more to the point, why?”

“How is irrelevant, why is obvious. Didn’t they always want to do live TV? Well, now their whole lives are a show, only there’s no script.”

“Who signed off on this?”

“Uh, Daddy, guess what?” I took a deep breath and looked around the room at my men, who were all trying not to laugh.

“No, I don’t want to guess. Now answer my question.”

“Fine, I won’t tell you then. Come on, Bunny.”

“Hey, you haven’t answered my question.”

“Not now, Daddy, I’ve got class.” I guess they couldn’t hold their laughter any longer, and I was pretty much getting tired of being the brunt of their jokes.

She went rogue a few months ago after the explosion, and it’s been hell keeping tabs on her because everyone around here seems to be on her side, so they keep her secrets. I’d forgotten all about Ryder and his drama because there’s always some shit that needs handling around here, but she just won’t quit.

My kid holds grudges. For months, I wondered what her plans were for those people before I gave up caring, but never in a million years did I expect this. She’d somehow found a way to livestream those people twenty-four-seven, and from the stats that just came across my desk, the show, if you can call it that, was a hit.

She’d made Ryder’s ex and Mary’s two daughters stars, but I’m sure this is not what they had in mind. Their every move was being broadcasted and from the looks of it, they had no idea this was being done or they would not be acting the way they are.

They’d each gained about fifty pounds or more, but what was worse were the things they revealed, either in arguments with each other or just in conversation. It was obvious to me that they had lost their damn minds. They seemed to live in the bathrobes that looked as if they hadn’t been washed in years, and I’m guessing that’s because they were on that island with no servants to look after them.

Russo, I’m guessing, drops food off for them once a month, along with other necessities, but that was about it. Since there was no entertainment they only had themselves to talk to for a distraction from the mundane.

You’d think that was the worst of it, but no, she’d sent that doctor who she’d driven mad over there, and those women took turns tormenting him. He wasn’t allowed in the house with them and had to remain outside, living in fear because my kid had made him afraid of the outdoors with her shit.

All of this is being broadcast on Billboards throughout the country. “Wait a minute, how is she paying for this?”

“Are you kidding me? She makes a shit ton of money from this. The audience keeps growing, and there’s a war going on between Ad agencies. Sanders is handling that side of things, so if you want to know more, you’ll have to ask him.”

“So, everyone knew about this but me.”

“You didn’t want to know, remember?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“She got you with the Daddy. Guess what? You told her, just like you did today that you didn’t want to know, so she went ahead and did her thing. You can’t blame her because she did try to tell you.” This fucking kid.

“By the way, I heard from Ryder today; they’re expecting.”

“Whoopdee fucking doo Mancini. What the fuck are we doing about this kid?”

“They’ve invited us to their wedding.”

“Fuck me, Caitie’s wedding.” Why that should make them all laugh is beyond me.