Chapter 88

* Janie *

In moments of clarity, I kept telling myself I could bounce back from this, that things were not as final as they seemed, and then my head would become filled with all the ways I’d been wronged, and I’d get so mad I could throw up. All the way back to my childhood home with the two strange men upfront, silent as the dead, ignoring my questions, all I wanted to do was scream.

One moment, I felt hopeful and ready to fight for what was mine, and the next, I didn’t have the energy to keep my eyes open. I knew it was partly because of the long drive the night before and partly the drugs messing with me, and still, I couldn’t help taking a couple more just to numb the pain.

All I could think about was how hard things were going to be, how people were going to laugh at me, how low I had fallen. No matter how much I told myself to think positively and not give up, those were the only thoughts that seemed to want to hang around, and so they lingered.

It wasn’t long before the pills started to do their thing, and I was almost back to feeling human again. That scared feeling and the pounding in my chest from the racing of my heart soon abated, and I took a few deep breaths and tried to clear my mind.

This was not the time to feel sorry for myself; there had to be something that could be done to turn this whole mess around. The injustice of it all should be no deterrent to me; I’d been there plenty in the past and had forged ahead because I had the one thing I wanted.

With Ryder by my side, I had been able to face anything; even though things behind closed doors were never what they seemed, I was always able to put a smile on for the cameras and endure whatever hell my life was going to be that day, because, at the end of it, he was mine, my husband. So I tried convincing myself that this little hiccup, as bad as it was, shouldn’t be the end of us.

My head said this, but there was a heaviness in my chest that refused to go away. And a constant fear that I had lost to my enemy. Anger and hate coursed through my veins and mingled with the effects of the drugs, but the pain of loss beat them all.

My heart had been broken before. In fact, each time Ryder rejected me before and after marriage, it had torn little by little. But this hurt like hell. This was a pain that seemed like it would never end, and I knew it was because my eyes had beheld something I never thought to see ever again in this lifetime.

Even now, after years apart, between the walls of the dingy warehouse, the two of them had looked perfect together, like they belonged, something he and I never did. I saw in my mind again the way he’d stood so protectively in front of her, the way he’d never let go of her hand even though I couldn’t get to her.

And worse, I’d seen what had always been there when I used to pour over photos of the two of them together in the past, that something that was hard to miss, that thing that had made me become obsessed with having it and had caused me to throw caution to the wind even when I feared losing because I just had to have it for myself.

It’s not something that can be easily put into words, but I know it when I see it, and I’ve only ever seen it in them, like two halves to a whole. It wasn’t about her beauty or his drop-dead gorgeous looks; beautiful couples are a dime a dozen in Hollywood. It was more, something deeper, something rare and ethereally beautiful in itself.

Anyone in their vicinity would be hard-pressed to miss that chemistry that seemed to flow between the two of them; it was so hard to miss, even when they weren’t trying. He’d never held me like that, never cared about me like that, he’d never even tried. There’s no way that it was natural.

Maybe it was the drugs, or maybe I was slowly losing my mind, but it started racing in all directions. What if she’d done the same thing I had? What if she’d hired someone to put a spell on him, too? The thought made me feel slightly better; I can fight fire with fire.

I started to run with it, but something niggled at the back of my mind and brought me up short. No, that’s not it. No one knows their story better than I do, and I know for a fact that he’d fallen for her long before they’d ever met, that their love for each other had grown naturally and had been heralded as one of the rarest in the industry.

Everyone had been rooting for them; well, everyone except Mary and her daughters, but except for them, it seemed like there was a time when the whole world was in love with Ryder and Elena. They’d captured the hearts of everyone from one end of the globe to the other, and I was only one of the million young girls whose hearts had burned with envy and want.

But I had done something with mine; I hadn’t just wished from afar. I’d gone after what I wanted, what I knew was the only thing in this world that could make me happy. It had been a great source of happiness for me the day my ultra-conservative father had agreed.

Well, to the public, he’s conservative; behind closed doors, it’s another matter, but that’s no one else’s business, and everyone does it. I know that better than anyone. Hadn’t I just spent five years convincing the world that I was in the happiest marriage the world had ever seen when the reality was that my husband hadn’t even looked me in the eye since the day of our wedding?

Why wasn’t I able to win his heart? Why had he kept me and everyone else out? Why had he longed for her the way he had until he made his way back to her? And why did she accept? I’d done everything in my power to make the wedge between them deeper and deeper, and yet, it had all been in vain.

I had her beat. Everything had gone well up until the wedding. I’d convinced him, with the help of the others, that I was his spiritual bride, the one who would save his soul. He’d been in such a dark place because of the lies we’d fed him that it was like taking candy from a baby.

She’d lost spectacularly, and I’d reveled in her misery for years, finding my only joy in the fact that she was suffering and he was by my side. After a while, it had stopped mattering that he wasn’t the same man with me as he had been with her. She became my main focus, hurting her, degrading her, making her life hell had made up for the cold bed I was made to sleep in night after night.

It had become my purpose in life to torment her. Would she now do the same to me? I know the face she shows the world and what he thinks of her, Miss. Perfect, and in all this time, she has never retaliated against me, but maybe now that she had what she wanted, would that change?

That fear crept in again, and I realized that the drugs were having an odd effect on me. I didn’t feel high; it was more like my mind was reliving my every deed, almost as if it were forcing me to confront myself, something I had no interest in doing.

I felt hunted and trapped as my mind conjured up all the things that I had done to harm her, and the fear that she would do the same back to me became paramount in my mind.

Because there was no escaping my thoughts, I started crying uncontrollably as the weight of the world landed heavily on my shoulders. I crawled into a ball in the backseat of the unknown car and cried my heart out as everything hit me all at once for the one-hundredth time. It was like reliving the same nightmare over and over again.

My tears turned into wails as the reality of what I was facing hit home. I was broke, with no prospects, no friends, and no one to turn to for help. The wails sounded even to my ears like the mourning of a wounded animal. They reeked of loss and despair with just a hint of madness. Even my thoughts didn’t sound like my own, the words in my head like someone else’s. And that wailing kept getting louder and louder.

I guess it was too much because one of the men turned on the radio, which only made things worse because it reminded me of that horrible song that I’d been forced to listen to back at the warehouse. Will I ever get those words out of my head? The words that told me the whole world now knew the truth and were already laughing at me.

How could I ever face anyone ever again? Who could I turn to for help when there was no one and never had been? Everyone in my life has only ever used me in one way or another and never really gave a damn about me.

All I ever wanted was for Ryder to love me, to look at me with the same adoration and longing he saved for her. That wasn’t too much to ask, was it? Doesn’t everyone deserve that much, at least? Why couldn’t he be my one? Why couldn’t he love me the way I needed him to?

I felt like I was going crazy as if I wanted to crawl out of my skin to escape. The thought of facing another day like this left me with a heavy weight on my chest and a burden that was too hard for me to carry. The thought that no one cared was just too much, and I found myself almost giving in to the feeling of despair that I’d been staving off for days, weeks, maybe even years.

Just when I was ready to throw in the towel, just close my eyes and escape, never to awaken, a voice in my head prodded me again, and I got back on the merry-go-round of madness. What are these pills? And why are they making me feel so strange?

Why are my thoughts so fractured and all over the place? Why, even when I try shirking the truth even to myself, is my mind not allowing me to? I felt another burst of energy rush through me, and even though I knew it was the pills, I couldn’t deny the euphoria.

I was once again emboldened, no longer feeling like I was wading in the deep, and I was back to feeling optimistic. Why had I been so quick to give up? Why was I forgetting everything that I had taught myself through the years? How could her love be any better than mine?

Life cannot be this unfair. I did nothing to deserve any of this, no more than the average person in our circles anyway. Some had done much worse and had never paid the price. I could tell stories about the things I’d seen and heard among the so-called Hollywood elite, things not fit for humans. So why was I the only one paying the price?

It can’t be over; it can’t just end like this without any warning. I won’t let it. That resurgence of energy lit a spark in me, and I was almost there, almost in the sunlight once again, but once again, my mind went off on a tangent, escaping me and leaving me in the fog once more.

I tried to remember all the things I wanted to do, all the things I should’ve done when I had Ryder in my grip. All the things I should’ve attended to instead of trying to replace Elena in his heart and mind.

There was so much that I still wanted, things I had let myself dream and believe, especially after he agreed to the wedding. Had it all been lies? Had the things I’d been told by my parents and Matt only to get what they wanted out of the deal? They’d promised me that with time, Ryder would come around and love me the same way he had her.

They’d assured me that with the close proximity of us living together, he was bound to fall in love with me, and all I needed was patience and a will to succeed. I’d been too stupid to see beyond the ceremony, believing that once it was over, everything would fall into place, and we’d live happily ever after.

How was I to know that the bad boy who was into drugs and wild living was genuinely seeking a different path? That his heart was so wrapped up in someone else that once his anger over the lies we’d fed him wore off, he’d pine for her until he became a shell of his former self.

I’d seen it from the beginning but was too stupid, was too trusting of the people around me, and believed in their constant reassurance that things would turn out the way I wanted. I’d bought into the lies and promises, none of them made by him, and had left myself open to this end.

If I had known, how different would this day be? If I had known that things would come to this, I would’ve made sure to safeguard myself to make plans for a future without him. But it was always unimaginable to me that something like this could happen, that a day like this would ever be.

But I had, hadn’t I? There had been no prenup; Dad had seen to that, but then Ryder tricked me, having me sign a postnup along with divorce papers. Still, I had been sensible enough throughout the years to steal enough money that would’ve set me up for life. I didn’t see it as stealing since I was his wife and deserved every penny of it. Besides, he has more money than he could ever spend in this lifetime.

But that little bitch had taken it all. This was all her fault, all her doing from beginning to end, and I didn’t even know her name. “Who is that little bitch?” I screamed above the music and was once again ignored. It was as if they couldn’t hear me, as if I wasn’t there.

Wait a minute, am I here? Don’t be an idiot, Janie; of course you are. Can’t you see the sunlight outside the car window? Hear the whoosh of the tires against the asphalt? Why do I feel so listless? Like I’m having an out-of-body experience? For some reason, that thought tickled me, and I started to giggle.

It had been so long since I’d laughed that the sound jarred me a little, and then I just continued laughing because it felt so good. Soon, I was crying harsh, jagged tears, but no one cared. There was no one there to tell me everything was going to be okay.

I wanted my mother, but there was a memory playing at the edges of my mind, something vital, something I had to remember. Oh yes, she was not allowed at the house. If she came, I would be left homeless. I had to hold onto that thought; I had to remember.

Remember what? Where did that thought go? Does it matter? My body felt light and stress-free for the first time since this morning’s fiasco, and I was feeling no pain. I wish all my days could be like this. Maybe they would be if I wasn’t such a horrendous bitch.

Hey, watch it. You’re my inner voice; you can’t talk to me like that. You’re supposed to be on my side. For some reason, that, too, made me giggle, and I started humming as the weight of the world left my shoulders, and I felt as if I were floating through the air without a care in the world.

“Should we tell Lyon about this?”

“Tell him what exactly?”

“That his kid made some kind of super drug. What the fuck was that back there?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. You think she knows she said all of that out loud?”

“I doubt it.”

“What’s the end game here? Is she trying to make her crazy?”

“I’m not sure, I don’t think so. I do know I’m not fucking with any of her hybrid weed plants if it can do this shit to people. She just had a full-on conversation with herself and said way more than I’m sure she intended to.”

“It’s like truth serum on steroids. I think we should probably warn the others. Lyon’s little darling is sneaky, and if she can come up with something like this from crossing marijuana strains, who knows what else she’s done.”

“Her grandfather stays on top of her; I doubt he’d let her go too far.”

“Who? The pothead? Get real; he encourages her worse than her dad. Besides, he’s her guinea pig. Or maybe this one is.”

One of the men looked back at me as I stared into space, drifting on a cloud. I was trying to follow along with their conversation since theirs were the only voices I’d heard except my own in the last half hour, but things seemed a bit muddled.

I heard something about lions and drugs and pigs and figured we were going to the zoo, but before the thought could properly form, my eyes closed, and I escaped into nothingness.