Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

I had forgotten to take my antidepressant, that is how happy I feel tonight. So, I go back to the bathroom, but I hear voices coming from outside. I pass Damon's room and notice the door is open. He's nowhere to be seen, so I assume he's in his cookie jar. The thought that he's like a genie in a bottle makes me chuckle to myself. But when I get to the window, I see that Damon is outside talking to someone. It appears to be a woman with long dark hair, and she too has horns. Is she also a demon? But they don't seem to be "together." In fact, they seem to be at odds with each other, with both of them standing with their arms crossed, not exactly facing one another. Their voices carry up to the window, and though I can't make out the words, the tone seems angry.

Suddenly, Damon morphs into a giant monster of flame, smoke, and ash. He roars at the woman. I can feel the heat from him, it is so intense. I duck down and cover my head, afraid the window may burst from the heat. The fire lights up the room as brightly as the sun would. But in an instant, it is over. I hear car alarms blare, dogs bark, including Dash, and voices from the neighbors. I peek back out the window and see that Damon is back to normal. He and the woman exchange a couple more words, then she dissolves into shadow and melts into the ground. Yup, definitely a demon.

Damon turns around to face the house and we instantly lock eyes. I feel a twinge of guilt, as if I had been eavesdropping. But I hadn't been. They weren't exactly being secretive about their little meeting. In the distance, I hear a police siren. The disturbance was enough that someone called the cops. Damon hoofs it back to the house. I close the curtains and hope the police don't come knocking.

I slip down to my bedroom and shut the door. I'm not sure I can face him. I had thought his natural form was a more impish creature. But what I just saw was a monster. Does that change anything? Does it matter what his real form is? Maybe it wasn't even his real form. Maybe he was just trying to intimidate that other demon. It didn't seem to work. She didn't even blink. Well, I assume so. I couldn't exactly see her eyes from where I was standing. But she didn't move.

There is a knock on my door and I almost let out a yelp. I slap my hand over my mouth to stifle it.

"Tamzin?"

I take a calming breath. "Yes?" I squeak. Real smooth.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Great."

"Can you open the door? I think we should talk."

I run my fingers through my hair and then open the door. "Hey. What's up?"

"I was just making sure… That is, I was wondering…" He seems unsure of how to ask if I saw him turn into an infernal hell beast. From my bed. Mr. Darcy lets out a big meow, as if telling me to be quiet and get in bed and snuggle with him. I then realize we are being a bit loud, with Bella's room just down the hall. I shush Damon and motion for him to enter my bedroom so I can close the door.

"If you are wondering if I saw you turn into…whatever that was, then yes, I did. Why did you do that? And who was that woman?"

"Nothing," Damon says, flustered. "She's no one. I just lost my temper."

"Is that what you do when you lose your temper?" I ask. "Because I don't think I can have you in the house if that is the case."

"Just calm down," Damon says.

"You're telling me to calm down?" I ask with half a laugh. "Excuse me, I am not the one who just exploded out in the driveway for all the neighbors and their dogs to see."

"You are right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm not used to living in suburbia with so many people around."

"Hey, if you want to leave, be my guest," I say, throwing my hands up.

"You don't mean that," Damon says, looking surprisingly hurt.

I sigh. "No. No, of course not. I'm just… What was that? Who was she?"

"Just a friend. A fellow demon. She…she came to check on my progress."

"Progress?"

"You know, how I'm supposed to be possessing and torturing you."

"Oh. Right. Are you, like, in trouble or something?"

"No," he says quickly. "At least, not yet. I don't want you to worry about anything. But the sooner we find out what Bella did to me, the better."

"Well, at least we are in agreement on that."

We look at each other, both unsure what to say next. I break away from his gaze and look around the room, which is a mistake because I remember that we are in my bedroom. My cheeks flush hot with… Well, I want to say with embarrassment, but maybe it is something else. This is the first time I've had a man in my bedroom since my husband died. And Damon is just so, so hot. He licks his lips and runs his hand over his hair. He looks at me, and his eyes travel down the length of my body. I try to remember what I'm wearing without looking down. Nothing special, a silk cami top and silk pants. I grabbed a terrycloth robe when I left the room. I don't own or wear many sexy night things anymore. As a single mom, I have to be prepared to run out of the room to take care of my kid at a moment's notice. Still, I feel a bit exposed. For a moment, I think about how easy it would be to drop the robe and invite Damon to spend the night with me. A braver woman than I would do it.

But I let my anxious thoughts get the better of me. There is a picture of me and my husband still on the wall. I remind myself that I can't really trust Damon. He's a demon, and another demon just showed up at my house to remind him that he is supposed to be torturing me. He's dangerous, to me and my child. If he were to somehow escape his cookie jar, who knows what he would do to us.

I pull my robe tighter around me and clear my throat. "Well, I guess we should get…" I almost say "get to bed," but I don't want him to think I'm initiating anything. "I mean, you should…"

"I should…I should go, I guess," Damon says, looking away and fumbling for the doorknob.

"Right, go," I say, warring with the part of myself that wants to beg him to stay.

Damon leaves the room, closing the door behind him. I remember that I still didn't take my pills. I open the door and see that Damon is still in the hallway. He looks at me hopefully, as if I've changed my mind.

"Sorry," I say. "I just…umm…forgot something in the bathroom."

"Oh, right. Yeah." He goes into his room and starts to close the door. "Night."

"Night," I say as I shuffle past. I can feel my face burning with embarrassment. I close the bathroom door and get my pills out of the cabinet, taking them quickly. When I close the cabinet door and look at myself in the mirror, all I see is disappointment. I'm such a coward.

"Bye, honey!" I say as I wave at Bella when I drop her off at my parents' house the next day. They watch her when I go to see my therapist.

"Cause lots of trouble!" Damon calls out.

"I will!" Bella calls back. I watch her run up to the door and my mother greet her with open arms. They both wave as I drive away.

Damon and I drive in tense silence, me gripping the steering wheel like I'm strangling it. We haven't spoken since last night except to exchange the barest of information.

"So…therapy," Damon says in what I assume is an attempt to break the awkwardness.

"Yup," I say. "I guess you can just sit in the waiting room while Dr. Jaishankar and I talk."

"I hope she has good magazines," Damon mumbles.

"Probably Psychology Today ," I say.

"So lame."

When we get to the doctor's office, I take the cookie jar in with me, setting it on the coffee table. Damon walks around the bare room, looking already bored out of his mind. He picks up a magazine and shows it to me.

"You were right," he says, and we chuckle.

Dr. Jaishankar, a pretty, middle-aged Indian woman, opens the door and starts. "Oh, wow. Okay. I mean, I've seen djinn before, but this…this is something else."

"Djinn?" I ask as I stand up.

"In Islamic tradition, we consider all demon folk to be djinn."

"Oh, right. Bella told me that. She read it in a book," I say, standing and picking up the cookie jar. "Is it okay if he just sits out here while we have our session?"

"Well, why is he here at all?" she asks.

"Umm, it's sort of complicated. But basically, he is a demon who was sent to torture me, but my daughter trapped him in this cookie jar. So, he's still bound to me, but he can't hurt me. Believe me, if I could have left him at home, I would have."

"Okay…" Dr. Jaishankar says thoughtfully. "Well, why don't… I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"You can just call me Damon," he says, shaking her hand slowly.

"Well, why don't you join us, Damon," the doctor says. "Sounds like we have a lot to talk about."

"I don't think that's—"

"I'd love to," Damon says, walking back into her office before I can tell him no. I roll my eyes and follow both of them back.

Damon and I both sit on the couch opposite Dr. Jaishankar, the cookie jar between us.

"So, tell me a little more about how you met and how things have been going," the doctor says, getting her notebook out.

I give her the main points from what has happened so far, with Damon filling in some of the details. Dr. Jaishankar is so engaged in our story, she doesn't write much down.

"So, it sounds like the two of you had a good time last night," she says.

I have to nod. "It was a nice change of pace."

"Is that all it was?" she asks me.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it was a date, wasn't it?"

"I mean, not really," I say, shifting uncomfortably. "It was just two friends having a night out."

"What do you think, Damon?" the doctor asks him. "Was it a date?"

"Why not?" he says. "I mean, Beverly thought it was. I'm sure everyone who saw us thought it was. Undoubtedly, the rest of the townsfolk who hear about it will think it was. So, sure. Let's just say that it was a date."

"But it wasn't," I say. "A thousand people can say it was a date, but that doesn't make it true."

"What does it hurt to say it was?" Dr. Jaishankar asks.

"Because," I say, "I'm not ready for that."

"But you are ready," she says. "Because you did it. You went on a date. You should feel proud of yourself."

"Well, I didn't and I don't." I sit back in the seat and cross my arms.

"What's wrong?" the doctor asks. "Why are you mad about it?"

"Because I didn't choose this," I say. "I didn't make the choice to go on a date. I didn't choose to be over…" My throat closes up and tears prick the edges of my eyes.

"We very rarely choose to be over our grief," she says gently. "We don't just wake up one morning and say, ‘I'm completely at peace with the death of my loved one.' It's not that cut and dry. In fact, it's okay if a part of you always grieves for your husband. After all, you had a child with him. Even if you remarry the most wonderful man on the planet who is the perfect stepfather, Bella will always miss her biological father, and that's okay. She can love more than one father. And you can love more than one man. In fact, you can love a hundred men between now and when you die. It doesn't diminish the love you have for each one. You loved your husband in his time, you can love Damon now, and you can love someone else five years from now when Damon has moved on."

"Damon is going to move on in five years?" I ask, feeling a new and very weird sort of panic arise.

"That was just an example," Dr. Jaishankar says. "I'm not saying you have to love Damon at all. You had one date. Don't rush things. But did you get my point? Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I let out a long sigh. "Yeah, I get it."

"So, what do you think?"

"It hurts," I say, motioning to my stomach. "It hurts right here at the thought of, you know, moving on. But at the same time, it seems perfectly logical. People get remarried all the time, right? After death or divorce, people learn to love again. But… You know, I mean… When you are the person responsible for your spouse's death, it's a little different."

"Not really," she says dismissively. "You could have had absolutely nothing to do with your husband's death and feel guilt. Guilt for surviving. Guilt for moving on. Guilt for things unsaid or undone. Remember, we have talked many times about how to let go of the guilt. Have you been doing the things we've talked about?"

"No," I admit a little shamefully.

"Will you?" she asks. "Are you ready?"

I let out a long exhale and glance over at Damon. I can see that he is looking at me expectantly.

"Okay. I think I'm ready."

"Then let's get started."