Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

FINN

K ayla can't hide the pain in her voice. Last night, after we made love—I can't believe I ever devalued that act with her—she started talking about her dad and Maci. She said she noticed looks between them and sensed an atmosphere. I didn't mean to give anything away, but lying to her makes me feel so wrong, so pathetic. I've done enough lying.

Still, I didn't tell her anything. She sensed something was up from how I tensed beside her in bed. Clutching my face, she leaned back to look at me. Her eyebrows shot up in that cute way. After all the mayhem, being with Kayla was like heaven, but then it was hell because I felt forced to lie to her again.

"What's up with you? Do you know something? Have you seen something? They said they want to meet with me tomorrow—both of them. That's suspicious. Don't hold out on me now, Finn."

"I can't say," I replied.

"But there is something to say?"

I swallowed. "Uh, yeah, but please…"

"Don't worry." She hugged me tightly. "I won't make you say anything else."

"I'll make some coffee," I say now, leaving the room. Part of me wants to get out of here and hang out with Ashley in the penthouse. That's where my sister and I are staying, a penthouse Lukas Larson has put us up in. It's everything I dreamed of when I was going through my crazed, wannabe sociopath phase, but it feels so cheap compared to my connection with Kayla.

I glimpse myself in the mirror as I walk down the hallway. I look like a scared young man, but scared of what? Afraid I'll go back to the person I was before? Only a couple of weeks ago, I was planning on blackmailing Lukas and abandoning Ashley. What was wrong with me? Did I ever really have that in me?

As I make the coffee, I think about the fact I love Kayla. I said it before as a sick way to manipulate her, but I think it's true. I won't say it for a long time. I want the rest of our lives to be filled with genuine things. Maybe Dad was a monster. Maybe Mom was an enabler. That doesn't mean I can't be a good person.

I told Kayla to find somebody else, and she agreed, but I had to come here when she texted me last night. I felt like there was a force drawing me closer to her. Not to be dramatic, but I felt like I'd be hollow for the rest of my life if I didn't come.

Carrying a tray of coffee into the living room, part of me hopes they've already told Kayla all of it. I can tell from the tense way they're all sitting that they've been waiting for me.

"So you two are an item," Kayla says, leaning forward.

When Lukas charged at his business partner, saving my sister's life, he was terrifying. He didn't even look human. The sound he made was beastlike. He roared, leaped clear over Ashley like an NFL player, and crashed into Sebastian like an MMA fighter. Now, he looks like an ordinary man, face tight with emotion.

"You did the right thing again," he says, looking at me.

"Finn hasn't told me anything," Kayla snaps. "But he knows, doesn't he? I asked him, but he didn't want to betray you. I know he knows. Heck, Dad, it's not like it takes a rocket scientist to figure it out. You've been looking at each other, and why else would you want to meet me alone?"

Maci stands up. "Kay, I'm so sorry?—"

Kayla raises her hand. "You can stay over there, please."

I wonder if they can see past her cold exterior to the emotion beneath. I wonder if they can see how difficult this is for her. I almost reach over and lay my hand on hers. My mind fills with poetry, composing like a subconscious track.

A quote comes to me. They knew they'd be forever broken, knew nothing would ever be the same, but when the cicadas heralded that lonely car down the night-sad road, foolishly, they let themselves believe there was a chance . That's from a book Maci's dad wrote. I started reading it last night.

"Explain," Kayla says, then looks at me. " All of you."

None of us holds anything back. We all understand that Kayla deserves the truth. They tell her about getting intimate in the pool, trying to fight their desire, and then reuniting and going to the spa behind her back. Lukas speaks in a grave, low voice as if he already knows he'll have to end this relationship. I can tell how much it would hurt him.

Maci sits at his side, arms wrapped around herself. It's weird. I couldn't say how, exactly, but I know she's fighting with every single sinew not to reach over and touch Lukas. It's like I can feel their love emanating in the air. I wonder if they've said it yet. I love you .

"So it's been, what, a month?" Kayla mutters. "And you're already so serious?"

"Who said they were serious?" I ask, genuinely curious.

Kayla looks at me, and some of the fire drains from her eyes. That's a relief because I care about her. I also meant what I said when I told her she was too kind. Maybe it's her upbringing. Maybe it's the money. Or maybe it's just her pure soul. Whatever it is, if she lets me stick around, I will spend the rest of my life making sure nobody ever takes advantage of it.

"They don't need to say ," she snaps. "Just look at them, Finn. Just listen to the love in their voices." She sniffles, and I can't hold myself back anymore. When I take her hand, she squeezes onto me gratefully. A slideshow of deceit plays in my head. I wonder if I'll ever stop hating myself—if I'll ever deserve to. "What is this?" She turns back to them. "A fling? A marriage in the making? What?"

Maci is holding back tears, tightening her hold around herself. Lukas rests his forearms against his knees, and I know he's finding it difficult not to comfort his lady.

"A marriage in the making," Lukas says. Kayla's hand tightens against mine. "The truth is, Kayla, if it didn't mean breaking your heart, I would've proposed to her the first time I saw her."

"The first time you saw her, she was a?—"

"A kid, I know," he replies, "but I didn't see her then. She was just there sometimes. I mean after. I mean Maci, the woman. I mean my woman." Lukas bites down as if thinking he's gone too far, but I can feel the pressure in Kayla's hand. It's like I can read her mood through it. She's not mad. "I know how that sounds, but it's how I see her, Kayla."

"Is it how you want him to see you?" Kayla says, looking at Maci.

Maci takes some time to compose herself. She doesn't want to cry. She doesn't think she deserves it. She doesn't want to use her sadness to manipulate Kayla. I know this because I was the same when, last night, Kayla asked me about my childhood. I almost broke down, but I fought it off.

"Yes," she says after a long pause, pushing away the tears. "Kay, I love you. I never wanted to hurt you, but yes. It's how I want him to see me. It's how I see him : my man and your dad. It's so freaking messy, and for the record, Lukas wanted to tell you. He wanted to do the right thing, but I chickened out."

Kayla shuffles closer to me on the couch. My heart aches with how close she wants to be to me.

"This isn't something best friends do," she whispers. "It's not something dads do."

"I know," Lukas and Maci say at the same time.

"I should hate you."

"Should?" Lukas says, his voice getting deep. For a second, I think he might cry, too.

" Should ," Kayla repeats. "I should scream at you. Tell you to get the hell away from me. I should, but look at them." She turns to me, her wide eyes shiny with tears. She rubs her cheek like she's angry at herself. "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

My days of lying to Kayla are long behind me. "Yeah," I tell her. "I see it."

"How couldn't you?" she whispers. "How couldn't anyone? They're in love. I've always wanted to see them happy—both of them and look . If this isn't happiness, I don't know what is."

There's no way for me to possibly disagree with her. I've been around enough misery to be able to identify the opposite.

"But it's still wrong," she says, turning back to them. "You still went behind my back. You still lied. You still betrayed me."

"I know," Lukas says, sighing. "Oh, Kayla… there's nothing I can say. There's no excuse."

"You have to say something ." She coughs back a sob.

"Just that… if you could ever find your way to giving us your blessing, I promise you'll never have to worry about choosing between us. You'll never have to worry about us breaking up. This is real."

"It is," Maci says. "It's the most real thing I've ever felt. I didn't even think I could feel something like this—that I deserved something like this. I just hate that he happens to be your dad. I wish I could explain where this feeling comes from."

Kayla glances at me. Her hand is so tight around mine now that it's starting to hurt, but I don't care. I'd let her shatter every bone in my hand if it comforted her.

Slowly, a smile twitches at the edge of her mouth. She's got the most infectious, beautiful smile I've ever seen. I remember back when we were messaging on the dating app, trying to convince myself she was ugly, trying to convince myself I disliked her. It would be easier to manipulate her that way, but I never could. It's impossible.

"What if you change?" she asks. "You can't promise you'll always feel this way."