45. Colt - Tell Me Why

Driving Johnny’s car like a madman, I gunned it through each yellow light as I sped through the city. He kept asking me to pull over and switch with him, but I ignored him. I’d apologize later. I couldn’t fucking think straight until I had this figured out.

Because what Andy said… It couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. He was fucking with my head just like he fucked with Mer all those years ago. He was a master manipulator. But a little part of me was worried– no, terrified – that he was telling the truth.

I parked like an asshole and left the ignition on while I ran up past the blue hydrangeas and pounded on the large door.

When my mom pulled open the door, the smile dropped off her face and confusion set in. “Why aren’t you with your team in Florida? The game is tonight at 7.”

My chest tightened. There’s no way Andy was telling the truth. This was my mom we were talking about. The woman who raised me, who took me to every single hockey practice, clinic, and game as a kid.

But I still had to ask, just to quiet the worried voices in my head. “It wasn’t you, right? You didn’t do it, right?”

“Do it?” She laughed and a hand fluttered to her chest. “Do what? Is Lucy alright?” Her head cocked to the side. “I overreacted the other night. I guess I’m just not used to dealing with a child refusing to eat. You never did that to me, so I didn't know how to handle it. You were such a perfect little boy.”

“Mer,” I forced out.

“Mer? What happened to Mer?” Her forehead creased and she reached a hand up to my forehead. “Are you feeling alright, honey?”

“Mer was in a car accident,” I said.

I watched the corner of her mouth curve up just the slightest before she frowned, and I instantly knew. My stomach lurched and I had to hold onto the doorframe to stay standing.

“Oh no, are you alright?” she asked, looking alarmed now.

I forced myself to look in her eyes when I said the next part. “I was arrested, they think I did it.”

She raised her sharp chin and smirked, almost like she was proud of herself. “Impossible. You were in Florida.”

I swallowed hard. “So that’s why you did it this weekend, huh?”

Her face dropped. She took a step back. “Why I did it?”

“Why would you do that, Mom?” My voice cracked.

“Do what?” she snapped.

“You know what I’m talking about,” I said forcefully, even though I felt like the floor was ripped from under me and I was stuck in a free fall.

“I can assure you that I don’t. I didn’t do anything,” she said, looking me up and down defensively.

“You messed with Mer’s car.”

She scoffed. “How would I know how to do that?”

“You had it messed with, whatever. You did it, didn’t you?”

She pursed her lips.

I sucked in a shocked breath. I stumbled back, feeling like my legs were taken out. The world was spinning around me and I was about to be sick. “Oh my God. Oh my God, Mom.”

“Don’t look so surprised,” she hissed at me, her face transforming into a snarl.

“How could you? How could you do that?”

Her jaw set. “She’s not good enough for you! She never was!”

“What the fuck, Mom?” The person I was staring at, she looked like my mother, she smelled like Chanel No. 5 like my mother, but the mother I knew wouldn’t have ever done that… She wouldn't have… tried to kill a person.

Maybe I didn’t know her. Maybe I never knew her at all. My heart cracked. My face cracked. “You’re insane, Mom.”

“You made me act insane,” she snapped in a shrill voice. “None of these women you’ve brought around have ever been good enough! I raised you to be the perfect husband and you’re going to waste that on some… some… tramp?” she shrieked. “Not on my watch. I thought Stella was bad enough,” she snorted, “now you go running back to that little bitch?”

Oh God, Stella. My friend. Lucy’s mother.

She had so much love in her, so much love to give the world, and my mother just… She just…

I couldn’t even say it. I was going to throw up.

“What did you do?” I croaked out. My mind raced as I stood there on that porch, piecing together what she said with everything that happened in the past. “You did it all those years ago too, didn’t you?” She tampered with… with everything . Mer saw it immediately. And I defended her. Oh God. My knees buckled. I was going to lose it.

“Of course I did!” she shrilled. She pointed a finger at my chest. “I did what had to be done so you didn’t waste your potential. You need to focus on hockey and Lucy, that’s it, and you’re fucking up the both of them!” Her eyes went crazed. “You don’t need anyone else. I am right here for you!”

“Mom…” I backed up.

“Oh don’t be so pathetic. I eliminated your distractions. You’re welcome!” she shouted at me.

A siren wailed in the distance, she thought nothing of it. Of course she didn’t, because she got away with it six years ago.

I sat there blinking at her, watching my reality shift in front of me. I thought she was an innocent woman. She thought she was above the law. She thought she was above everyone.

Blue lights flashed behind us and reflected on her face. Cop cars raced to a stop on her front lawn.

That’s when it finally dawned on her.

Her eyes flamed and she pointed a vicious finger at my face. “You ungrateful little shit,” she swore at me, and she continued swearing at me and screaming threats, but I stumbled away, stuck in a haze.

Johnny, who’d been on his phone the whole time, strode straight toward the cops to answer questions.

Stumbling to the side of the house, I held the brick and promptly threw up on the lawn.

A couple minutes later, Johnny patted me on the back. “There there, buddy. Johnny’s gonna get you some therapy.”