39. Mer - When?

The last couple weeks, dinnertime at Colt’s meant dancing around the kitchen and having fun making the meal together. Tonight was a stark contrast to that. We all seemed to be lost in our own inner worlds as we quietly did our part. Lucy set the table while Colt stirred the pasta on the stove and I chopped vegetables at the island counter.

By the time I made it back to Colt’s, he already had all the information he could get on Andy from Hans. Apparently some anonymous donor paid big money for him to come to the Coliseum to set up a pairs program. Hans guessed it was because their kid was a pairs skater. I questioned why anyone would want a coach banned by US Figure Skating, but that wouldn’t matter if the skater was representing a different country in competition.

Andy probably easily fooled the donor, giving out false promises of Olympic gold, just like most asshole coaches. He could charm easily with that disarming grin of his– I should know, I stupidly trusted him with my life for over a year.

Shit.

My eyes fluttered closed and I gripped the counter, trying to anchor myself. I’d practically blocked out all memories of Andy and my mistakes for so long. Recounting everything to Colt was the only exception, and I thought that’d be the end of it. I had no way of knowing I’d practically run into him only weeks later. It just didn’t seem fair that this would happen now, right when we got our happy ending. Andy’s presence was like a looming bad omen screaming at us that we were doomed to fail, that our prophecy would never be changed no matter how hard we tried to outrun it.

When we sat down to eat, I asked Colt and Lucy about their highs and lows of the day, but looking down at my meal, I gripped my fork hard and struggled to stay in the present. It’s almost like seeing Andy acted as a trigger for me, because eating felt like a chore for the first time in years, which just spurred on a new tidal wave of worries– maybe I wasn’t a good role model for Lucy, maybe I wasn’t good for Colt, maybe I wasn’t good enough to be a figure skating coach, because how could I help other girls when I couldn’t even help myself?

Colt’s warm hand landed on my thigh, bringing me back to the present. But when his concerned gaze dipped to my plate, a mixture of anxiety and shame caved in on me.

“Can I be excused?” Lucy asked, eating her last bite.

“Yeah, honey, that’s fine,” he said, but his eyes were still locked on my profile.

“Can I watch the rest of High School Musical?” she asked, biting her lip in anticipation.

“Sure, honey,” Colt said with a chuckle, rising from his chair to plant a kiss on her hair.

The longer I sat in that seat, the more it felt like my throat was closing up. I quickly pushed my own seat back and threw a napkin on my plate, wanting to distance myself from this meal.

Acting like nothing was wrong, Colt cued up a slow folksy playlist while we cleaned up, and I was grateful for the distraction. He moved calmly around the kitchen beside me while I was an anxious mess.

After cleaning, he finally locked eyes with me and a hesitant look crossed his face. “Want me to make something else?” he asked, and I lost it.

Turning away from him, I covered my face and broke down. No amount of screaming at myself to keep it together would work.

“No, no, no,” he said softly, “don’t do that.” He immediately came up behind me and circled me with his strong arms. I leaned into him, completely giving up for a minute.

“C’mere.” He gently turned me around to face him and took up my hand, then he gently swayed to the music.

I’m not sure how long we stood there, moving to the music, my head leaned against his chest, memorizing the feel of his heartbeat, but I knew it couldn’t last forever.

“Maybe I should get going, back to my own place,” I said, keeping my ear against his chest, my eyes on the floor.

His body stilled. “What? Why?”

My throat burned like it was trying to shut me up and I struggled to keep my resolve. “I need… I need to work on some things.”

He took my face in his hands and forced me to face him head on. “We work on things together, alright?” He said it with such determination, but I couldn’t ask that of him.

His face blurred in front of me. I had to roll my lips together to keep from completely breaking down again.

His thumbs wiped away my tears and his warm brown gaze bore into me. “You like helping us, don’t you?”

Closing my eyes, I nodded. It’s all I wanted to do. I just wanted to be there for them. I just wanted to love them.

“Let me help you,” he said, his voice husky. “Don’t take that from me, Mer. Please,” he begged.

Dropping my forehead against his chest, I clung to his words. I’d never thought about it that way before.

“Don’t let him win,” he said gruffly, smoothing a hand down my hair. “Please don’t. He doesn't deserve to be in your head.”

Closing my eyes, I leaned against him. We continued swaying long after the last song finished.

________

The next morning after dropping Lucy off at school, Colt and I drove to the rink together. With his steady hand in mine, he lent me his confidence, and we marched into Hans’ office with a mission.

The three of us spent the next hour studying the master schedule, trying to make changes so Andy and I wouldn’t cross paths.

After staring at it for a while, it looked like there was only one hour that we had to worry about.

“Why don’t you just not work that hour?” Colt finally asked.

“I need to,” I pushed.

“You were supposed to be cutting back on your ice time anyway,” Colt told me.

“What’s that?” Hans’ watchful blue eyes cut to me.

I rolled my eyes. “My knee has been fine,” I assured both of them.

“But it might be more fine if you give it some rest,” Colt said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his thick arms. “Right?” he asked Hans.

“Right,” Hans responded in his gruff tone.

“Oh no, not you too,” I said to Hans. “I need to be able to afford my rent,” I argued.

Hans shot a glare at Colt.

His hands went up in innocence. “She’s the one who won’t give up her apartment, I’ve tried.”

I looked between Hans and Colt. They talked about this?

Colt sighed and hitched a thumb my way. “She’s wondering if we talked about her living arrangements behind her back,” he told Hans, then he turned to me. “We did. I told him I hated your place. It’s cold and it’s unsafe. He told me to keep you at mine.”

My eyes widened. “You two… You two…” I struggled to decide on a word. “Scoundrels! You’re in cahoots?!”

Colt sucked in his bottom lip to keep from laughing, but he couldn’t hide his amusement. “Honey,” he ran a hand down my thigh. “I think it’s time we get rid of your apartment.”

“Oh, do you?” I shot back dubiously, crossing my arms.

Hans held a hand in front of mouth to stifle his chuckle. He slowly rose from his seat and shuffled toward the door. “I’ll leave you two to chat.”

Colt lifted his hat to rake a hand over his messy hair. “Why do you even want that apartment?”

“Because it makes me feel independent.”

He shrugged his large shoulders. “Come be independent at my place.”

I didn’t know how to tell him that getting rid of my place was like getting rid of the safety net. If we didn’t work out, I’d have nowhere to go.

He arched an eyebrow at me. “Don’t think that way.”

“What way?” I demanded.

He blew on his concession stand hot chocolate. “You’re worried we’re not going to work out.”

My shoulders fell. I knew I was letting him down, but I couldn’t help but feel that way. “We haven’t even talked about where this is going, Colt.”

He frowned. “Do we really have to? We both know.”

“Do we?” I looked at him feeling helpless. “We’ve been back together for a few weeks–”

“Months. It’s almost December, sweetheart,” he said calmly.

I cocked my head to the side. “Saying ‘months’ is generous.”

He shrugged.

“Okay, so I’m going to move into my boyfriend-of-a-few months house?” I asked, hoping he’d hear how ridiculous that sounded.

He scoffed. “Yeah, that sounds bad.” He leaned his elbows on his knees and held his jaw in thought.

“See!” I popped out of my chair and paced the small room.

“Yeah, I'd rather be your husband.”

I stopped dead in my tracks. “What?” After a second of silence, I burst out laughing, but his face remained serious. “Colt, you can’t be serious?”

He shrugged and stood, towering over me. “When?” He gently pushed a strand of my hair back behind my ear, making a flurry of butterflies take off in my stomach– it was insane how he could still make me feel that way with such a little touch.

“What?” My eyes darted all over his face, trying to read him, trying to see if he was being for real.

He gave a slow grin. “When can I be your husband, Meredith Bennett?”

“You’re being crazy,” I said breathlessly.

He pulled me against him. “You’re already my wife in my mind. Let’s get rid of that apartment, yeah?”

I worried my bottom lip, thinking it over.

He could tell I was breaking down.

“C’mon, Bennett, you know you don’t wanna go back there and stay all alone. Stay with us, save your money and do what you want with it.”

I rolled my eyes, but that did sound kind of nice.

“Ahh, you like that, eh?” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Even better, go crazy and spend all that rent money on Christmas shopping. I know you love Christmas shopping, don’t even try to deny that, Bennett.”

“But-”

“No buts,” he groaned. “You haven’t even slept there in weeks, babe.”

“Maybe I will tonight,” I said stubbornly.

His head dropped back and he grabbed the bill of his hat. “Please no.”

“Why?”

“ You won’t be able to sleep without cuddles and I won’t be able to sleep because I’ll be too worried about you.”

He was kind of right.

“Please?” he asked, pouting out his bottom lip.

I rolled my eyes and covered his mouth with my hand. “You are just as bad as Lucy.” I felt him crack a grin under my hand. “Fine.” I pointed a finger up at his face. “But don't make me regret this.”

“Definitely not,” he swore, grabbing my hand and pulling it to his lips to kiss. “Besides, it’ll be good for you to save money.”

I pulled back to give him a skeptical look.

He slowly grinned. “Hundred bucks, baby.” He dipped to kiss my neck. “I’m gonna want that back,” he growled in my ear and roughly grabbed my ass, making me yelp.

I swatted him away, feeling shocked and turned on all at the same time.

Without another word, he intertwined his fingers with mine and pulled me out of the office. As we walked across the lobby, I caught Colt giving Hans a thumbs up. Hans went back to mopping with a grin on his face.

“Cahoots,” I whispered, shaking my head.

Colt just laughed.

________

Over the next couple days, we slid back into our new normal, but I still felt tense at the rink. In the back of my mind, I couldn't completely erase the fear of running into Andy.

This was a much different feeling than when I was nervous to run into Colt. Back when I was on the lookout for him, I had a secret longing in my heart. With Andy, my stomach was filled with pure dread.

The ball finally dropped that Thursday.

I was unlacing my skates alone in the locker room when the door popped open. I thought it was Piper, but when I glanced up, my stomach dropped. He looked almost the same as he did ten years ago, just with more wrinkles around his cold eyes and a bit of salt-and-pepper hair at his temples.

I immediately reached for my phone. “Don’t come near me.”

He snickered and held his gloved hands up. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Don’t,” I warned.

He cocked his head to the side and stared me down. “Why would I go anywhere near you? The person who single-handedly wrecked my career?”

My rebuttal was on the tip of my tongue. With pairs, it was never just one person’s fault. It was a concept I thought he once understood. I really hoped he wasn’t coaching with that mindset because the blame game was a wicked one that could go round and round forever.

“Besides,” he sighed, “you’re looking rather… healthy.” He smirked at me.

My nose flared with an angry breath. “Thank you. I try to be.” I moved quickly, not even bothering to dry my blades before shoving them in my bag. I needed to get out of there before I punched his smug face.

I was almost out of the room before he spoke again.

“Just so you know, I’m not going anywhere. Chicago is my new home. If you don’t like it,” his nose scrunched, “you should probably leave.”

The room felt like it was spinning around me as I replayed his words. “Did you just tell me to leave?”

“No,” he laughed again. “I said if you didn’t like me being here, maybe it’d be better for you to take a step away.” His eyebrows popped up. “I would if I were you.”

I was rendered speechless. What could I even say to that? He didn’t specifically threaten me, did he?

“Why are you here? Why are you doing this?”

He shrugged. “Why not? I didn’t get my happy ending, why should you? And,” he laughed, “I’m being paid pretty damn well to be here.”