9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Z’Ree

I warily appraise the device in Nikolai’s hand. It’s shaped like a small gun and it could be filled with anything. He could use it to inject me with sedatives. Except, I’m starting to think he wouldn’t do that. Would he?

I’m facing the terrible dilemma of both wanting and not wanting to trust this handsome human. Of course, I want to trust him. I’d give anything to believe I’m finally safe, surrounded by people who’d fight back against the evil ones that have destroyed my life. But also…I don’t want to.

It’s difficult to explain and it probably makes me sound insane, but this life is all I know. I know how to be a slave. I hate it and I’m terrified of it but if I’m no longer a slave, then what am I? What will I do? Where will I go?

Nikolai mentioned removing my collar. This dreaded noose has been a constant reminder that I am nothing but an object. Merely someone else’s possession to do with as they please.

But if Nikolai actually does remove it and I’m no longer an object, then what am I? I have this irrational fear that if I take the collar off, I’ll become nothing and…simply vanish into thin air. It’s ridiculous and yet, my mind keeps circling back to this thought so often it makes me want to cry.

He saw my tears earlier. He only needs to do a quick search and he’ll figure out that I’m a Silithrae. What is he going to do when he finds out that underneath all of the filth and grime, there’s a priceless jewel, right at his fingertips? Will he still see me as Z’Ree, or will he just see a means to live out the rest of his life in luxury?

I guess it’s out of my control. Nikolai is smart. He won’t take long to figure it out. The Silithrae are considered extinct, but that doesn’t mean that data about us isn’t in every decent database.

He’s still waiting for my decision about the node update, giving me a choice.

I don’t know how to choose. I haven’t been allowed to decide anything for myself in years and now, even the simplest of thoughts are making me freeze and spiral into panic.

This should be a simple decision, though. I like Nikolai’s voice and I want to be able to understand him. I trust he won’t hurt me. There’s really nothing holding me back other than my fucked up mind.

My nod is little more than a tiny jerk of the head, my fists clenched to stop my hands from shaking. He’s not going to hurt me, I repeat to myself as he approaches. He’s moving slowly, avoiding sudden motions as if he thinks I’m a frightened animal. I guess I am one. I won’t bite him, but I’m definitely on the verge of fleeing for my life.

“It’s okay,” he says, crouching beside me. “I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

I nod again, squeezing my eyes shut tightly as I put my life in his hands. Surprisingly, the tension drains away. There’s something comforting in the fact that Nikolai is the one making the decisions now. He is the one with all of the power. No matter what he orders me to do, I’ll comply. It’s the only way I know how to survive.

His breath gently tickles my neck as I feel the slightest tug on the rag I’ve wrapped around my head to conceal my hair. “I need to move this aside just a little bit. I’ll put it right back when I’m done.” When I don’t protest, he pushes away the fabric, sliding it away from my ear. I’m sure he can see some of my hair, but he doesn’t comment on it.

“Almost done.” Something cold presses against the skin behind my ear. It feels so much like the barrel of a gun that if I wasn’t in my “slave space”, I would have bolted immediately. But I’ve given total control to Nikolai and he hasn’t ordered me to move, so I stay still.

A beep, followed by a sharp pain stabs through the base of my skull for a microsecond. It dissipates immediately, leaving only dull throbbing behind. Without hesitation, Nikolai moves to the other side and repeats the process. This time, I can’t hold back the muffled whimper that escapes me as the pain flashes through my brain.

“Shh, it’s done,” he soothes as he readjusts the scarf over my hair. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think there’s any way to do the update without the brief pain. I brought some analgesics to help with the headache. Do you want them?”

If he just told me he would give them to me, or administered them without telling me, I wouldn’t have protested. But he asks, wanting me to decide, pulling me out of my safe space back into the scary world of having options and being responsible for my own decisions.

I shake my head. I’m a Silithrae, I can stop the pain on my own using the right crystal resonance. I can have my crystals sing and the pain will go away. I just don’t want to do it in front of Nikolai.

“Alright,” he says, and I realize I understand him now. “It’s your choice. But they’re here if you change your mind. They’re just mild painkillers, nothing that would knock you out or alter your perception.”

I don’t respond, mesmerized by the sound of his voice. Finally, he’s turned off the datapad and I can enjoy his words uninterrupted. I like the way he speaks. I wish he’d keep speaking but I can’t tell him to since my throat still refuses to cooperate when I try to speak. I can’t even thank him for granting me this silly request. I simply smile instead, which he returns eagerly with one of his own.

He sighs softly. “I really wish you’d take the painkillers, but I won’t push you.” He traces my gaze to the hatch and rightly guesses my intention. “You want to leave now, don’t you? I’m not stopping you. I won’t ever stop you, Z’Ree. Just please drink some more water. Doctor’s orders,” he teases.

Dutifully, I tip a bottle to my lips, drinking like he asked, when a tremble runs through the ship. We exchange alarmed looks, then the lights go off, plunging the room into darkness for a few seconds before the emergency lights activate. What’s worse, I hear a loud clang as the hatch closes automatically and the lock engages, trapping me in the room.

Instead of staying calm and analyzing the situation, I completely lose it. My mind is muddled, my focus only on one thing. Escape. I claw at the hatch, my throat constricting as I try to scream. The lack of sound coming out of my mouth only stokes the flame of the all-consuming panic higher.

A hundred voices echo in my mind all at once as my worst memories come barging in. People shouting at me, ordering, berating, and threatening me until I feel like my head is going to explode from all of the noise.

One voice rises above the others because that person is saying my name. No one has used my name in years. I was always called “the product”, “merchandise”, “treasure”. Or, more commonly, I was the bitch, cunt, or any number of other regional or racial expletives.

“Z’Ree!” the voice calls again. I focus on my name, ignoring all of the others. “Z’Ree, calm down, please! You’re hurting yourself.” Someone’s touching my upper arm, gently holding me, their palm warm even through the ratty clothing I’m wearing. “It’s okay. You’re safe. Please, stop.”

There’s a hum vibrating deep inside me, like a crystal resonance on a frequency I don’t recognize. It’s not uncomfortable, though. Quite the opposite.

“Breathe, Z’Ree.”

I manage to suck in a sharp breath, my tortured lungs relishing the influx of oxygen. Did I stop breathing?

“There, that’s good. Now, slowly. Breathe with me. In for three.” A finger taps rhythmically on my shoulder, giving me something to concentrate on. On the third tap, the voice commands, “Hold it for a second. Now, exhale on six.”

I try, but I run out of air almost immediately. Nikolai chuckles. “You’re doing great. Try it again. Inhale for three seconds.” I take as deep a breath as I can, hold it for a second, then try the slow exhale. Again, I run out of air before the finger taps my shoulder six times. “Slow down,” he instructs softly. “Focus on breathing. Nothing else matters. Just your breathing.”

I do my best, but the six-second exhale is more difficult than one would think. It feels like my racing heart is consuming oxygen too fast, so I try to slow down. I really want to make it to six seconds. Nikolai gave me an order, his voice remaining soft and calm even after I’d failed several times. He’s not yelling or hitting me for being a useless piece of shit. He’s praising me for doing well even when I’m not.

I focus harder, slowing my breathing even further. My body hums and my crystals feel like they’re about to start singing even though I’m not consciously telling them to. Perhaps it’s a subconscious reaction to me nearly passing out from asphyxiation when I fucking forgot to breathe. How stupid was that?

Finally, my heart slows, my muscles relax, and I’m able to time my breathing to Nikolai’s quiet counting. Elated from my achievement, I open my eyes, a little startled to find his light brown orbs inches away from my face. He’s closer than he’s ever been before but I don’t really mind.

“Great job,” he whispers, smiling brightly at me.

I preen, proud of myself as if I just figured out the solution to the wormhole convergence dilemma and not simply remembered how to breathe. Now, why had I forgotten to breathe again?

Nikolai notices my confusion, his smile growing wider. “Breathing always helps with panic attacks. It gives you something to focus on, something you can control. Makes you forget why you were panicking in the first place.”

No kidding. It takes me a few seconds to realize what happened right before I lost my mind. The memory of the hatch closing flashes through my mind and my heartbeat picks up again. I’m locked in this room. Can’t escape.

“Breathe, Z’Ree.” Nikolai squeezes my arms. “Whenever you feel like you’re spiraling, focus on breathing. It will help. Trust me, I know from experience. Sure, my panic attacks are nothing compared to yours, but I do get them.”

I blink, my thoughts derailed. He has these terrible episodes too? My heart clenches at the thought of Nikolai terrified or crying, and I have the most ridiculous urge to protect him.

Interrupting my spiraling thoughts once again, Nikolai lets go of my arms and steps back. “I apologize for touching you without your consent, but I needed to stop you from hurting yourself.”

At my confused look, he points to the hatch where I notice deep gouges in the paint and blood smeared across it. It looks like a rabid animal was trying to claw their way through the thick metal. I mouth a silent “oh”. So that’s why my fingers hurt. I glance down at them, wincing at the sight of my jagged nails.

Nikolai is standing in front of me, watching warily as if expecting me to start freaking out again. Good geodes, am I really this messed up? I don’t want to be! And I want him to touch me again, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. I guess this just proves my messed-up-ness.

“I’ll contact someone and figure out what’s going on, alright? Then I should really look at your fingers. With all of that dirt…” He gestures to my hand, politely reminding me that I’m covered in disgusting filth, “it could get infected.”

Perhaps my fingers getting infected and falling off would be an appropriate punishment for being crazy enough to think I could claw my way through a metal hatch. I nod to acknowledge Nikolai’s plan then retreat into the corner of the room, embarrassed beyond measure.

Dark thoughts invade my mind, trying to convince me that now that he knows I’m crazy, he won’t waste his time with me anymore. I’m slipping back into that whirling vortex of panic again. “Breathe,” Nikolai’s voice echoes through my mind. “Focus, Z’Ree. Breathe.”

I do. With the memory of Nikolai’s steady voice to guide me, I focus on breathing. My crystals start singing, the song taking away the painful edge of my headache and throbbing fingers. Focusing on the song and my breathing, I slowly forget about the world around me.