Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Seven

C aroline stood on the doorstep of the Hamstead rectory, utterly frozen to the spot.

It was dark on Christmas Eve, snow still covering the ground, leaving the windows frosted from the cold and barely lit by candlelight. While the rest of Hamstead felt smaller than her childhood memories, somehow this place seemed bigger than she remembered. And the door knocker, though equally as simple and aged as the rest of the home, it was no more worn or wilted than Aunt Fanny’s. These door nails were still serving their purpose, just like all the others, and she could no longer see a difference between the two. The parish house was no better or worse than her own home, and she couldn’t remember why she insisted on staying away for so long. Now she only needed to knock in order to go inside.

It should have been so easy, now that she had returned with what she felt like was an enlightened perspective and changed demeanor. Coming back to Hamstead as a new person entirely, though she no longer donned her mourning blacks or her bright outlandish cloak. She thought of her first Sunday back at church, and the ridiculous embellishments she insisted on to distinguish herself amongst those she thought beneath her. Now more appropriately dressed in a simple wool dress and a modest pelisse coat, she thought she would be ready to approach her brother, to enter the rectory. But still she hesitated.

Fred had asked her all those weeks ago if they could be a family again. Maybe not like the siblings they used to be, so innocent and without what they knew now of the world. But they could start again that bond of familial relationship which she used to cherish and now desired almost more than anything. She still had many faults to atone for, many bridges to mend, and this was just the first one.

Caroline could hear the family singing carols on the other side of the door, and she didn’t want to interrupt them, to cast a shadow on their Christmas Eve festivities, but she didn’t want to celebrate the night alone either. And perhaps, if they could forgive her, it could be the first of many celebrations together.

Swallowing hard, Caroline lifted her gloved hand and knocked on the door.

It opened, and she was rushed with an all-encompassing warmth accompanied by the smell of delicious food and a Yule log. Fred was revealed on the other side with his perpetual smile, but then his eyes grew wide, and his mouth dropped open. “Caroline!”

Twisting her nervous hands in front of her, Caroline pursed her lips. “Yes, it is I.”

Little feet scampered behind him, and Kitty and Hannah’s heads appeared beside him. “Aunt Caroline!”

She smiled gratefully at the little girls. It was a relief to hear their excitement, instead of being greeted by stone faces and closed doors. It was how she had mostly treated everyone in her life, even her family. She did not deserve any kindness or welcome at all.

“I came to wish you all a Merry Christmas.” Caroline’s pounding heart seemed to echo in every word. “And to say I’m sorry for leaving unexpectedly. There was much to be done and prepare for, but if the invitation still stands, I would very much like to participate in your Christmas Eve.” She clenched her jaw, trying to stave off the quiver in her lip. “Will you let me in, Fred?”

Before he said a word, Fred stepped out into the cold and pulled her into a fierce embrace. “Merry Christmas, sister,” he said gruffly in her ear, and she wrapped her arms around him in return. It had been years since she had held her brother so affectionately, since she had known the comforting reality of family. The sting of tears burned her eyes as Caroline clung to him, marking the moment a sacred connection she would need to protect from being damaged ever again. Her family was precious, and she must guard it at all costs.

“Of course you may come in.” Fred pulled back with tears pooling in his own eyes. “Your presence is the miracle I had hoped for and the greatest Christmas surprise I could have ever asked for.”

Then with an arm around her shoulder, he kissed her cheek and led her inside, helping Caroline mysteriously feel like she was finally coming home.

Christmas morning dawned cold and beautiful. Robert tried to smile sincerely for his children and worked hard to remember the actual reason of the day, but his heart still ached. They had prepared simple presents for each other, but first he led his children to church along the snow-lined road until the chapel came into view. He saw them all seated on a bench, with everyone in the congregation smiling and whispering happy holiday greetings to each other. He returned them as best he could, but found his heart simply wasn’t in it.

He remembered one Sunday weeks before, and the conversation with Caroline seemed to ring true. Maybe Christmas was a humbug, just as she’d said.

But then, as if he’d conjured her from his very thoughts, Caroline appeared, smiling brightly and donning in a simple red dress and coat. She entered the church amid stunned gasps and delighted whispers from among the other churchgoers. She greeted people silently, and instead of making her way to her exclusive box seat on the side, she sat with Lily and her children, who welcomed her as if they were expecting her.

Robert sat with his mouth hanging open in shock. What the devil was Caroline doing here?

For the rest of the short Christmas sermon, Robert attempted to steady his racing heartbeat and wrap his mind around it all. He thought everything had been ruined, that his keeping her at a distance had sent her running back to London and ruined his chances for good. Was she only visiting her family for the holiday? It seemed quite a long distance for such a short time. Or was she coming back simply to finish what she started with the Christmas ball as planned? It made sense, that is, unless she intended to stay until Twelfth Night?

Or was she staying indefinitely?

He was certain he couldn’t be the only one with such questions fumbling around in his mind. Indeed, as soon as the final prayer was finished, Caroline was swarmed with people, welcoming her back and asking her about the Christmas ball. Robert listened carefully from a distance, for he certainly couldn’t face her again, at least not yet.

“Yes, we are still hosting the Christmas ball at Longford Manor,” he heard of her sweet voice. “I do apologize for any confusion, and I hope you will all still attend.”

So there would be a party, after all.

Robert didn’t know what to make of it, which is what found him taking Tim by the hand and hurrying out the front of the church, with Martha and Mrs. Rosemont following after.

“Wait, Papa!” Martha called. “I want to see Mrs. Marley.”

His frustrations brought a bite to his words. “What for?”

Martha blinked repeatedly. “Well, to apologize, mostly. And to tell her I’m all right, and that I’m happy she’s back.”

“Robert!” Fred appeared, running after him with his clergy robes flowing in the cold wind. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

“Back home,” Robert said, matter-of-factly, not wanting Fred to see just how Caroline had impacted him. “Apparently, we still have a Christmas ball to prepare for.”

“Why not linger for just a moment?” Fred suggested, nodding discreetly back toward the chapel.

“It won’t make any difference,” Robert mumbled hopelessly.

Fred tilted his head to one side. “To you, or to her? Either way, you’re wrong.”

Robert huffed. “You know, it’s positively infuriating how intuitive you are.”

At this, Fred let out a bark of laughter, and it helped alleviate the tension in Robert’s chest, making him smile for the first time in days. “Very well. I will wait here.”

“Then I will see the children home,” Mrs. Rosemont said, casting a wink at Fred. “We have much to prepare for.”

“Can I wait with you, Papa?” Martha asked.

He lifted a hand and brushed his thumb over her cheek. “Why not wait until the ball? She’ll be thrilled to see you then, I’m certain of it.”

Martha reluctantly agreed, and Robert watched as they left him alone in the church courtyard. Fred stood at his post near the door as each member of the congregation exited, wishing them a Merry Christmas, until finally his family greeted him to join him for their return home.

Fred patted Robert on the arm. “Caroline will be the last to leave. She’s just having a little chat with Mrs. Fezziwig. Until this evening?”

Robert nodded, taking a steadying breath.

When Caroline appeared in the church doorway with Mrs. Fezziwig, his heart skipped at the sight of her, like he was a lovesick schoolboy all over again.

“We can discuss more later,” Mrs. Fezziwig said, clasping Caroline’s hands in hers. “But I look forward to it very much. Oh, how lovely and clever you are. Until tonight, then.”

Mrs. Fezziwig hurried away, brushing by Robert with a delighted squeal. “The ball will be spectacular!” Then she stepped into her carriage where her husband was waiting.

Robert looked back to the chapel, where Caroline still stood in the doorway. They were the only two left on the property, and a great distance divided them, as if they both were scared to take the first step. With his heart pounding in his ears, he tipped his hat, which seemed to give her motivation to finish down the steps and move to stand before him.

“Merry Christmas, Robert,” she said, her words a charming melody from his past, one he thought he’d never hear again.

“Merry Christmas, Caroline,” he returned. His voice was low, and not as confident as he would have liked. What more could he say without giving himself away entirely?

“You look well,” is what came out, and he cursed his tongue for not having more to say.

“Thank you, Robert. You are too kind.” She gave him a half smile. “You always have been.”

Their eyes met, and a long moment passed before she went on. “You also look well. How is Martha?”

“All recovered,” Robert assured her. He paused, knowing he had countless things to say. That Martha was desperate to see her again, that he was so sorry for his behavior and for all their misunderstandings, that if she asked him to kiss her again, he would do so in a heartbeat, because he would do anything to keep her from leaving again.

“I see.” She nodded, pressing her lips together in a flat line. “And what finds you out here by yourself in the cold?”

Robert swallowed. “I thought I might walk you home.” It was a poor excuse, for she lived just a quarter mile around the corner, but they might be able to close the gap between them on that walk.

Her eyes brightened regardless. “Oh. Thank you. I would like that very much.”

They fell into step alongside each other, silence surrounding them other than their boots crunching simultaneously in the snow.

“How was London?” he found himself asking.

“Busy as ever, but I’m grateful I was at least able to conduct my business and return in time for the ball.”

Robert nodded slowly. “So it wasn’t my poor manners that chased you away?”

“Poor manners?” She smiled up at him. “No, you did not chase me away. If anything, I ran away. Just like I have so many times before.”

“You have never been a coward, Caroline.”

She considered his words for a moment. “I may have been, but I won’t be any longer.”

Their path led them past the graveyard, and Caroline’s steps paused. “I came here that night, you know.” Robert stood beside her, listening intently. “I was so worried about Martha and frustrated with myself, I didn’t know where else to go. So I came here and offered up the most angry, heartfelt prayer I could muster. That Martha would be spared, and that I…” she breathed deeply, “that I could find a way to be happy again.”

Robert raised an eyebrow. “Have you not been happy?”

“Not for a long time.” She lifted her gaze to meet his. “I pretended for many years, thinking I had everything I’d ever wanted or needed in London, but the truth is, I was so lonely, and tired of being alone. It was only until I came here, and received some harsh lessons from my Aunt Fanny, did I start to realize it.”

They fell into step together again. “Well, I hope you find that happiness, Caroline.”

“Oh, I’m certain I will. Only I had to arrange some things in town first.”

She kept dancing around the facts without truly confirming anything. “What was the nature of your business in London?”

“Well, first, I sold my townhome there.”

Robert nearly tripped over his feet in the snow. He caught her arm and stared at her. “You did?”

Caroline nodded. “I decided that instead of living in London, I would take up living at Longford Manor from now on.”

His heart rejoiced, thundering in response. His hand slid down her arm until his fingers met with hers. “Are you in earnest?”

“I am. There is much more for me here than there ever was there.”

Robert looked down to where their fingers intertwined with each other. “I thought… I thought you had gone to the duke to accept his offer.”

“Well, I did go to the duke,” she said, Robert’s gaze flying up, “but not to accept him. I offered him a different proposal instead. I purchased Edgewood Estate.”

“You what?” Robert’s mouth dropped open.

Caroline grinned. “You needn’t look so surprised. It was my home once, and I despised what he had done with the place. But it was Aunt Fanny who truly inspired me. She helped me see the error of my ways, that I was helping no one, not even myself, by being a covetous, tight-fisted old biddy. So I used the money she left me to buy the property back. And with Mrs. Fezziwig’s help, we are going to turn it into a charity house.”

Still, Robert was stunned to silence and unable to speak.

“Apparently, it was something Aunt Fanny had talked about doing before she died but was never able to see through. So I will do it in her honor. The farms attached to the property will provide enough income for sustainable upkeep, and I was hoping that with your knowledge of the poor and needy in the surrounding area, and Fred’s through the church fund, we could offer support and services to those desperately in need of it. Like the Dilbers.” Caroline nodded firmly. “I would very much like to hire on the Dilbers first, and provide them a place to stay. Mrs. Dilber could help keep up the laundry for a handsome pay, and we could find a position for Mr. Dilber, even with his injury, don’t you think?”

“Yes, I think we could.” Robert couldn’t help smiling, a realization washing over him about how she had truly changed. “You are a brilliant woman, Caroline Marley.”

She shook her head. “I’m not so brilliant if it took me this long to figure out what was wrong in my life.”

“But you are becoming something new, something different. Recognizing faults and changing habits and ideas.” With one hand, Robert brushed a stray curl from her eyes. “And yet, you are still the woman I always knew.”

Caroline squinted an eye at him. “You mean, arrogant and prideful?”

He smirked. “Not so much anymore. But you are still stubborn and confident and ambitious and charming,” his words slowed as he searched her face. “And so beautiful.”

She did not falter under his scrutiny, and in fact, lifted her chin. “What about Miss Alice? Did you not offer for her in my absence?”

Robert shook his head. “I could never. Not when my heart has been so frustratingly occupied by someone else.”

Her brow softened, and she stepped closer to him.

“But what about you?” he asked. “You said you would be living in Longford Manor. If Edgewood Estate is for the charity, won’t that leave you here alone? Wasn’t your goal not to be lonely anymore?

Caroline opened her mouth, but no words came out. “Yes, well… I was wondering if… or rather, I was hoping that…”

Robert stepped forward, closing the distance between them. “What did you hope, Caroline?” he whispered.

She clenched her jaw and pursed her lips before looking up at him again. “That you might truly forgive me. That you might find it in your heart to be able to love me again someday.” Her chin quivered, her dark brown eyes dancing with sparkles. “That you and your family could come live here and be my family too.”

“Is that what you want?” he breathed, his hand reaching up to brace the side of her face, his thumb resting on the pink of her cold cheek.

She nodded. “It’s all I want. I know there is no going back to how things were years ago. We were children then, with no notion of what love really was. But I know now.” She swallowed and took a breath, which came out in a puff of smoke before his eyes. “I love you, Robert. I always have. And I’m sorry for everything, for all my selfishness and pride, for all the pain I’ve caused. I’m determined to be a better person, a woman you deserve. And I’ll wait, if you need some time—”

He shook his head, pulling Caroline into his arms. “I’m not a perfect man, Caroline. I can be selfish and prideful, as well. We all have our flaws and faults, but we can become better people when we’re surrounded by the people we love. And I don’t want you to have to be alone anymore.”

Caroline nodded against him before pulling back. “Aunt Fanny told me that happiness is not having, but it is giving, and that is how we show love. I’ve learned that more clearly than ever these last few weeks, and I want nothing more than to love you, and your family, to give you everything I am for the rest of my life.”

Robert ground his jaw, his pride the last bit of distance that separated them. “What about… I have nothing, Caroline. I am by every definition a pauper, and I always will be.”

To his great surprise, she chuckled, placing her own hand against his cheek. “No, sir, you won’t. I believe you’re about to become a married man, and by so doing, will become very wealthy by association.”

“No, Caroline—” but before he could object further, she rose up on her tip toes to silence him with a kiss.

Robert was certain his heart stopped beating for several seconds together. Her lips were warm and sweet against his, drawing every rational thought from his mind. Just as he attempted to return her kiss, she pulled back and Robert huffed out an unsteady breath on her lips.

“Caroline, you can’t…”

She shook her head again. “I can and I will, because you deserve it. You have done so much for others. You have survived on scraps and savings for so long, and it is time for you to be rewarded. I have many years to make up for, in learning to become more charitable like you. Together, you and I will continue to do good in Hamstead, but you will not have to struggle or sacrifice anymore. You can offer the life you want to give to your children, and I will be more than happy to give it. Because I love you. And I love them. And now we’ll be able to create a beautiful life not just for them, but also for everyone else.”

Tears welled in Robert’s eyes. She painted such an impossible picture, but the reality of that artist was standing in front of him, promising him the world. “I love you, Caroline. Fiercely, hopelessly, eternally.”

She nodded, emotions filling her eyes as he leaned in to cover her lips with his own, only now he had no intention of ever releasing her.

Her kiss was desperate from the start. He understood her emotions, because he too felt the same. They had spent so many years apart, so much time suffering from longing and hopelessness, the joy of finally having her in his arms, of feeling her body against his, there was not a moment to waste. He kissed her over and over again, as if to somehow remind himself that she was real, that this was not a dream.

Robert remembered his first attempt at kissing Caroline all those years ago. He thought it had been such a valiant success, for how it had left him dazzled. But that poor boy knew nothing of what it would really be like to kiss Caroline Marley. She would accept no simple effort in any aspect of life, let alone a kiss, and she demonstrated that with every passing moment. She clung to him, and drew him in, like a siren pulling him into the darkest depths, but there was no second guessing; he would go willingly wherever she wished.

When she tugged on his cravat, she opened her mouth to him, deepening the kiss and lighting a further fire within him. His desire kept cresting over him in waves, each moment of the kiss intensifying, his need for her touch continuously increasing. His hand slid down the side of her neck to feel the hot connection with her skin, just as her fingers scraped along the hair at the nape of his neck, and in that moment, he could have devoured her completely.

In the back of his mind, he remembered where they stood, standing out in the freezing cold in the snowy road between the graveyard and Longford Manor, and Robert decided it was a good thing that they had already decided to marry. For if anyone had happened upon them lost in their blissful state, they would have summoned the rector immediately to demand their union. And seeing how that rector was her brother, who had been repeatedly pushing them together for weeks, perhaps it wouldn’t have been such a bad thing after all.

Fred was going to shout praises to the heavens when he heard what had happened. That Robert and Caroline had finally figured out the difficulties of their past and found a way to be together forever.

Robert slowed the kisses to one final gesture, a smile on his lips perhaps permanently, as he let out a sigh of greatest satisfaction. But it was only then he noticed that Caroline’s eyes were filled with tears, her brow furrowed in distress.

“Robert, tell me this is not some dream,” she whispered. “I fear I will wake, and you will be gone from me all over again.”

He gave her one more solid kiss to silence her worries. “Oh, my dear. Your lip is trembling, and what is this upon your cheek?” He quickly wiped her tear away and kissed her soundly. “Come, we must get you out of the cold. And do not give your fears a single moment’s notice. Though our connection is an old one, forged when we were young, now that we have been reunited, I promise we will never be parted again.”