Chapter 35

Thirty-Five

Rowan

The last place I want to be right now is at a fucking preseason practice. Seeing Conor is only a reminder of Leigh…er… Kyleigh. Fuck, will I ever not think of her as Leigh?

Seeing Conor across from me in the locker room, I now see all the similarities between them. The same caramel-colored eyes, and their hair color is close except she has some highlights. It's also in the structure of their noses. Damn it. I tear my eyes away because it causes a heaviness inside me when I think of her.

"You okay?" Henry approaches me, voice low.

You'd think we're all at a funeral home with how quiet the locker room is. I'm unsure if word got around, although I don't think Tweetie or Henry would say anything to anyone who's here. It's our business. What happens at The Nest stays at The Nest.

"I'm good." I put on my helmet and walk out of the locker room to get away from Conor.

I want to ask him if she's okay. Is she still upset? I shouldn't give a shit, but I do. I also know where he stands on the topic of our…former relationship, I guess. My only saving grace is that today I'm set to work on passing drills, which means I won't be shooting pucks at Conor.

When my skates hit the ice, I already know it's going to be a shit day. I'm exhausted from no sleep.

It's been almost a week, and I haven't reached out to her. Every time I pick up the phone, my thumb hovers over her name. I've even gone back and read some of our text exchanges. Then I'll think about how long she lied to me. How I told her about my dad. Sure, I didn't go into detail, but I opened up to her, and she continued to lie.

"Let's go, Landry. You're dragging today," Coach Buford shouts.

Tweetie, Henry, and I pass among ourselves, but I'm slowing us down.

During the water break, they stick near me, leaving Conor with the other group of guys. Our eyes catch for a minute.

"You gotta get her out of your head," Tweetie says.

I down some water. "Does it look like I'm not trying to do exactly that?"

He holds up his hands and looks at Henry, as if he's the one to guide me. Then again, there's a reason we call him Daddy.

"Have you talked to her?" Henry asks.

I shake my head.

His forehead wrinkles. "Fuck, Rowan, why not?"

Tweetie plays with the puck and his stick, doing tricks we've all been doing since we were kids.

I shrug.

"That's not a reason."

"I'm not your kid."

Henry shakes his head at me. "Fine, suit yourself. It's your life, and you're old enough to take responsibility for your fuckups. And if you let her go, you're fucking up."

"Says you."

"We talked about this. She lied, yeah, and it sucks. But you guys weren't in a relationship. It was all supposed to be fun and games. She didn't owe you anything. She didn't have to tell you who she was when you were just messing around. Sure, once Pinkie got traded"—he shrugs—"she should've come clean, but I also know from an outsider's point of view, that's when things were shifting between you, no?"

I shrug. I hate how perceptive he is. Does that happen automatically once you become a dad? I think back on my own father and know the answer—no.

"Admit it. You fell for her. That's the only reason you're hurting so much. The reason your game fucking sucks. The reason you're moping around. You did the one thing you always swore you wouldn't do, and you fell for the woman."

"So what? She ruined it."

He laughs and claps me on the back. "Cut it out now then."

"What are you talking about?" I take another gulp of my water because our break will be over soon.

"Cut out your heart because you're refusing to listen to it. Fuck it, right? It's just your life and your happiness. Being stubborn is way more important than that."

"Who are you?"

"I'm your mind begging you to listen to your heart. Shit, man, we get one life, and happiness isn't guaranteed. Why are you just throwing your chance in the gutter? So what? She lied about her name, but she didn't lie about who she is. You saw the real her. You fell for the woman she is. A name doesn't mean shit. The fact she's Pinkie's sister doesn't mean shit. The only thing that matters is how she made you feel—about her and about yourself." He pats me on the chest, just over the heart.

Then the whistle blows, and Henry skates away.

It's a struggle to admit to myself that she made me feel on top of the world. I've accomplished a lot in my life, but nothing compares to how it felt to have her in my arms. See that smile on her face when I stepped into a room. Admire the flush on her skin when she came.

I try to do the drills.

I try to focus on my job.

But as I skate around and practice my footwork, my head isn't in it. I end up stopping after one drill, and I'm standing with my stick in my hands, watching Conor. It's so great that he's back in my life in a big way, and it sucks this is going to put a dent in us remaining close.

As soon as he showed up, it was like it'd always been between us. He told me what was going on in his life, and I tried to give him my best advice. It was like no time had passed at all.

Wait…I think back to the conversation I had with him at Peeper's.

Fuck.

My sister found out my mom is cheating on my dad. Like witnessed her and the other guy making out in my mom's office.

Yeah, well, my sister doesn't handle things like this very well, so she's an emotional mess.

Fuck. That's why sometimes I'd see Leigh staring into corners. She was struggling with something huge.

The rest of practice, my head is swimming with the decision of what to do, but one thing I know for sure is that after this, her apartment is my first stop. She's been hurting, and I didn't know it then, but I know it now.

Henry's right, what the hell am I doing?

I'm not only torturing myself, but her too. At least I think I'm torturing her, but I won't know until I see her. I've pushed past fear my entire life. Fear of coming out from under the bed or the kitchen table. Fear of standing up to him. Fear of not being good enough to make the top league in my area. Fear of not getting a scholarship to college to play. Fear of not getting into the league. Fear of not coming through for my team. Fear isn't some new emotion, and it's never stopped me before. Ever.

By the time practice is over, I'm ready to run to her damn apartment in my gear and skates, but I force myself to take a beat, shower, and change.

Right before I'm going to walk out of the locker room, I stop at Conor's locker. Most of the players are still dressing.

"Can I talk to you outside?" I ask him.

He looks up at me from digging into his bag, still in his white towel. "Say it here."

I cock my head. "Seriously?"

I watch his Adam's apple bob, and he studies me for an awkward moment. "Fine."

I go out in the hallway to wait. Conor comes out two minutes later with a white T-shirt and sweatpants on. He crosses his arms and widens his stance like he's been doing since this whole roller coaster began.

"I'm sorry," I say. "Had I known she was your sister, I wouldn't have started something."

He drops his arms to his sides. "Thanks."

"But…"

He crosses his arms again when he hears my tone.

"I can't turn back time. I can't change the outcome."

Conor's eyes narrow. "What are you saying?"

I inhale a breath. "I like her. A lot. I fell for her. And as your friend, I'm sorry it upsets you, but I'm not backing down. I want her in my life."

His eyes burn holes into me. "She's going through a hard time. You're taking advantage. She's vulnerable right now."

"She's stronger than you think."

"Don't act like you know her better than me."

I don't say anything because I'm not sure what to say to that. "It's her mistake to make, but I don't think it's a mistake."

"She bought a bar. She's a fucking fashion designer, and this entire thing with my parents has screwed her up so bad, she bought a bar. That should tell you something."

"If it makes her happy, I don't see the harm."

He huffs and looks down the hallway. "You're gonna hurt her."

"You have no say in this," I say. "It's her decision. I just wanted to be upfront with you."

"Fuck you." He cocks his fist back and punches me in the face.

"Shit." I cock my jaw and hold my cheekbone, then hold up one finger. "That's your one shot." I walk down the hallway, cheek throbbing.

"You're throwing away your chance at the Cup. This will poison the locker room," he shouts after me.

"Only if you don't let it go."

He growls, and I push open the doors to outside. Thankfully, my Uber is already waiting. I slide in, give him Kyleigh's address, and pray she's home.