Chapter 19

Now that the strict curfew was over, the other students seemed to make a point of staying out late every night of the week. Which was inconvenient, since I was trying to sneak into the Transparency room without being caught.

His light was still on, silently calling out to me. But I hesitated. What would I do if I’d read him wrong? Or worse, what if someone caught us? I didn’t have an excuse to be alone with him any longer, so being in his room at night would have awful consequences for the both of us.

But I needed to talk to him. At the very least, I needed to know what I’d seen down in the archive, and I had the feeling he was the only one who would even consider telling me.

So, I lingered around campus, trying to look busy until I could turn invisible and slip inside Corporeality Hall. It was surreal to be inside in the middle of the night. Even when I’d had tutoring, usually, a few people lingered in the common areas. But as I ascended the stairs, I had to be careful not to make any noise.

When I got to his door, I stopped, pressing my cheek to the wood to listen. For all I knew, there was someone in there with him. But after a long draw of silence, I grabbed the handle and opened it a crack, flinching at the creak of the hinges that echoed through the empty hall.

Once it was open enough for me to peek inside, I discovered that the classroom was empty. The realization nearly spooked me into abandoning the mission until I noticed something I’d never seen before.

There had always been a door tucked in the corner on the far side of the blackboard. But it had always been so securely shut my brain had read it as part of the décor as opposed to a functioning entrance to a room. But now, for the first time, it was hanging open.

I slipped into the classroom and shut the door behind me. It seemed reasonable that the open door was an invitation, but it still seemed invasive.

Taking a few nervous steps toward it, I got close enough to look inside and was surprised to find something not unlike my own dorm, though his standard issue furniture was more lived in. His bed was neatly made, and next to it sat a massive stack of paperbacks and a pile of records from our tutoring sessions. He even had things hanging on the walls, bits of art and certificates he must have collected over the years.

I wasn’t able to see him until I stood in the doorway. The only feature his room had that mine didn’t was a worn leather chair and footstool next to the fireplace, which he was passed out in. His forehead was pressed into his knuckles, with his other hand around a half-empty glass of liquor.

I watched him sleep for a minute, hoping that the scowl might soften for a moment mid-dream. But alas, it appeared he was eternally tense.

Closing the door to the room to muffle any potential noise, I smacked the arm holding up his head with my cane. It effectively woke him up but had the unfortunate side effect of accidentally knocking off his head. His body jolted upright as his head rolled across the floor and stopped at my feet.

“Sorry about that,” I said, gazing down at his face as he blinked in surprise.

His eyes finally focused on me as he grumbled, “I was expecting a more empathetic wake-up from the likes of you.”

I picked up his head and handed it back to him. “I never promised any kind of solidarity.”

“Fair enough,” he said, putting his head back in place and securing it with the dislodged ribbon.

“So, you were expecting me, then?”

“I was leaving the door open, literally and metaphorically.”

“But only so you could chastise me.”

“Luckily, you seem to enjoy that sort of thing.” He gestured toward his desk chair, which I pulled out and sat in.

I raised a brow at him. “Careful.”

He only matched my expression for a moment before bending down to retrieve his glass. “My apologies. I nearly forgot that I’m furious with you.”

“Not furious enough to get me expelled.”

“Unfortunately, I’m too selfish for that.” He took a sip and cleared his throat. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you deserve it.”

“Ouch.”

He rubbed at his face, his rough hands grating the stubble on his cheeks. “And for him, of all people.”

My eyes went wide.

“Are you jealous?”

“I’d say I’m more flabbergasted than anything else,” he said with a dry, humorless chuckle. “While I try not to inflict my personal biases on students, I do have eyes.”

“You won’t hear any arguments from me.”

“Then, I struggle to grasp your motivation.”

I shrugged. “No one else was going to do it.”

“For good reason.”

I nodded to his wrists. “Someone liked you enough to rescue you.”

“That’s different,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Ephraim needed a new teacher and decided to try someone from down there who was still intact enough to seem relatively human.”

“Don’t give yourself too much credit.”

He smiled, but his eyes remained distant and sad. “There was a reason I warned you never to go back there.”

“I had every intention of heeding that warning, but fate had other plans.”

He shook his head. “Don’t talk about fate as if it’s something you understand.”

“I wasn’t going to let him rot down there for eternity.”

“Did it not occur to you to tell Ephraim? To let someone with actual knowledge of this world make these decisions?”

I opened my mouth to explain why it wasn’t an option but pulled myself up short. There was no good answer, none I could admit out loud at least.

He leaned in closer to me, dropping his voice. “Are you sure there’s nothing down there that you’re trying to get ahold of?”

“No,” I said, cursing my voice for trembling. “I guess I just thought he’d gotten stuck somewhere.”

He leaned away from me, shaking his head. “I don’t know why I expected you to have a decent excuse ready.”

“Since you know the truth, just spit it out. Call me on it.”

But he only shook his head. “There is nothing down there worth finding. There is no piece of information that will make you feel better, no fundamental truth that will justify anything. If you can’t accept that, then you shouldn’t be here.”

I felt a jolt of pain as I realized I’d been gnawing on the inside of my cheek and had bitten down roughly.

“How do you know?” I asked in a small voice.

“Because I’ve seen everything.”

“Everything?” I asked, thinking of those disembodied heads with the webbing over their eyes.

He nodded. “Even now, I don’t get any peace.” He rubbed his eyes, like he was trying to clear them. “And it’s the people that go down there seeking answers that end up like me. And let me tell you, there is no knowledge that is worth that cost.”

He threw back the rest of his drink and set it on the small table next to him. I sensed I was seeing him stripped bare for the first time. While the bursts of anger had been a crack in his fa?ade, they, too, were just another performance. I had the overwhelming need to wrap my arms around him, to curl up in his lap and press him to me until I absorbed some of that misery leaking out of him.

Instead, I reached out for his hand resting closest to me, but when our skin connected, he pulled away.

“No, don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, my insides squirming with embarrassment.

“Don’t be, I just . . .” He sighed, leaning forward and pressing his face into his hands. “That’s not why I wanted you to come here.”

“What is the point, then? What was the point of lending me your jacket after the sorting? What was the point of lying for me? You act as if you have no choice, Professor.” I gritted my teeth, voice tightening with defensiveness. “Playing coy, pretending not to care, that’s not going to work anymore.”

“I’m doing it because I care about you,” he said, his eyes roaming up and down my body before settling back on my face. “It’s not exactly a walk in the park.”

“What if I said I’m really good at keeping secrets?” I asked, practically begging him to drop the control act and just talk to me like a real person and not a personal blight.

He let out a long sigh. “If it were only a matter of keeping secrets, then I’d be having a much easier time of things. But it’s not about other people, it’s about you. You’re the one I’m protecting.”

“Well, gee thanks, Professor.” I got to my feet. “Clearly, you’re doing an excellent job.”

“I refuse to play a part in your expulsion, which is beginning to feel more inevitable by the day.” He sniffed. “Good riddance.”

Scoffing, I walked to the door. But before I could disappear through it, I turned and shot him one last glare. “Believe me, Professor, when I tell you that if you genuinely intended not to doom me, you’ve already failed, whether you touch me or not.” I shifted around just enough to give him the finger. “Fuck you.”

And as I stalked back through the classroom, I swore I could hear him mumbling, “Yeah, fuck me.”