Chapter 14

Fourteen

Clara

I had my head stuck inside a rabbit cage when Trinity burst through the doors of the shelter. I spared her a glance over my shoulder and then turned back to my task of refilling a litter box full of Timothy hay.

Trinity waited about ten seconds before she'd had enough of the silent treatment. "No, no, no. Finish that and then get out here. You aren't going to make me chase you all over God's creation for two hours only to blow me off when I find you."

Her words would normally be enough to elicit a laugh from me, but not today. I had no desire to laugh. Or talk. Or be in the presence of anyone not of the furry and four-legged variety.

But I knew Trinity wouldn't leave until she'd gotten what she came for. So I shrugged, finished my job and closed the cage behind me. I rolled to my feet and faced Trinity.

"You found me." I raised my arms out to my sides and then let them drop again. "As you can see, I'm fine."

Her eyes narrowed on me. "Yes, I could tell by the way you went running out of the office with tears streaming down your face earlier that you're fine."

I shrugged, and for the first time all day, I could appreciate how I felt. Or maybe it's how I didn't feel. Because right that second I felt numb, like all the feelings had squished themselves together until I couldn't feel one over the others so instead I just felt nothing.

Huh. Maybe I'd been wrong to dread feeling the blankness I saw behind Deacon's eyes. Nothing was a hell of a lot better than what I was feeling earlier.

"Clara. Please, tell me what's going on," Trinity said softly.

I stared at her for a long second, studying the firm set of her jaw and the determined look in her eyes. I sighed. I knew that look. No way was Trinity going to just drop this. Might as well get this over with while the numbness lasted.

I walked over to a tall cage in the corner of the front room. I opened it and sat down cross-legged on the floor next to it. Two gray and white kittens came tumbling out. I grabbed a long stick with a feather attached to the end from a holder next to the cage and set the kittens scurrying to pounce on the bright red feather.

Trinity watched for a few seconds before she grabbed a cat toy, this one with a stuffed mouse on the end. She joined me on the floor, and with my attention trained on the playful kittens, I recited all the events of the last few weeks. I did my best to hold onto the numbness as I talked about Operation Separate and Conquer, the feelings that sprang up between the three of us, the night at the bar, and everything that unfolded up to when I ran out of the Kratos offices this afternoon.

When I finished, I finally turned my head to look at her. She stared at me with wide eyes. "Holy crap, Clara. I can't believe you kept all this from me."

"It all happened kind of fast."

She nodded. "Well, I understand why you went running out of the office today. It couldn't have been easy hearing the guys talking about putting themselves in danger."

At her words, a teeny, tiny crack made a chink in my armor of numbness. I sank my teeth into my bottom lip and tried to hold onto the nothingness with all my might.

Trinity ruined my efforts when she leaned over and hugged me. The compassion of the woman I was coming to think of as one of my best friends put another crack in the numbness. A tiny lance of pain skewered my heart as I thought about losing Dyson and Eeli so soon after I found them.

Trinity gave me one last squeeze and then pulled back slightly. She gave me a sweet, sympathetic smile for about two seconds before her expression started to change.

She grasped my arms and gave me a small shake. "Okay, enough of that." This time her voice was firm. It was the same no-nonsense tone she used when handing out the guys' marching orders at the office.

She hopped to her feet, put the cat toy away, brushing off the seat of her jeans. "Now we need to get down to business fixing all this."

I blinked up at her. "What?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Clara, I listened to everything you just said. I heard you tell me what Dyson thought, what Eeli thought, what Sawyer thought, and what your friend Will thought. I know it was easier for you to hide your music from everyone for years and you got used to hiding who you are from everyone. And now I think you're trying to hide how you feel. But honey, that's not good. And on top of that, the only opinion that matters when it comes to your life is yours. Screw what others think."

I jumped up from the floor as I let her words sink in. "But that's not true when it comes to the men. They get to have an opinion, too, when it comes to our relationship."

She snorted out an inelegant laugh. "Please, they have less of a choice than anyone. Have you paid attention to life?"

I wrinkled my brows at her. "Of course."

She shook her head. "But have you really paid attention? This whole soulmate thing you have going on with both men is unique and I bet it will only get stronger as time goes on. But do you think it's anything any of you can actually ignore? Like, do you think they would walk away just like that?"

I blinked, her words settling over me. Now I understood my drive to help Eeli and Dyson heal went far deeper than just wanting to help out some friends. Their happiness was more important to me than anything else.

"And from what I can see it's even worse for your guys. They'd do anything to protect their woman from even a moment's pain." She gave me a hard look. "Your guys are thinking of facing their worst fears by returning to the military just to keep you from feeling a moment of pain."

"That doesn't make sense, though. How would their leaving me keep me from feeling pain? Aside from them dying, I can't think of anything worse than them reenlisting and leaving me here alone, worrying about them every second of every day."

Well, crap . There went the final crack in my numbness. Just thinking of Dyson and Eeli sacrificing themselves in the name of my happiness cut through the armor and allowed the emotions to come pouring through. The only thing that kept me standing was the fact that the leading emotion right now was anger.

She shrugged. "They want you to be happy. It doesn't mean they're always going to be smart about it. Men. Complicated, aren't they? Sometimes you need to hit them over the head with things to get them to understand."

I opened my mouth to start ranting out all my thoughts on everything from my interfering, overprotective brother to my thick-headed men who thought of doing the most asinine thing I'd ever heard in the name of protecting me. But before I could get a single word out, the front door swung open and Sawyer strode into the shelter.

"Clara!" He practically growled my name between clenched teeth.

"Oh, no. You don't get to be mad at me," I spit out at him, placing my hands on my hips. "All of this is your fault."

"My fault?"

"Yes, your fault." I stepped forward and gave him a poke in the chest. He growled at me in response, but I didn't care. Let him growl all he wanted.

"If you haven't noticed yet, Sawyer Becker, let me spell it out for you. I. Am. An. Adult." I punctuated each word with another poke to his chest.

"Really? Because by the way you act, it's hard to tell." He grabbed my wrist.

"You're right. I've been hiding bits and pieces of my life from you for years." I knew that wasn't what he meant when he referred to my childish behavior, but I was past caring. It was time for me to claim all areas of my life and my freedom to live it as I chose. "I'm a musician. Did you know that Sawyer?"

His eyes widened. His mouth opened and closed. Obviously, that wasn't what he was expecting me to share.

"I've been playing with a band for years. And I'm good at it and I love it. We get gigs at bars and clubs a few times a month. All those animal care meetings I go? Yeah, I've not ever been to one of those. I go play with my band."

"Your band?" His voice was back up to just below a yell. His eyes skidded over to Trinity. "And you knew about this?"

She threw her hands up and spoke to him in her drill sergeant voice. "Leave me out of this, Sawyer. This is between you and Clara and as far as I'm concerned, it's long overdue."

I sent her a quick smile of thanks before turning my attention back to my fuming brother. "I love you, Sawyer. I love everyone in our family. But I'm done living my life according to your rules?—"

"If you think I'm going to let you run off to play in bars?—"

I held up a hand. "Enough. You don't let me do anything. If you had caught me one of the million times I snuck out in high school and mom and dad grounded me, that would be one thing. But I am over twenty-one. You don't let or allow or forbid or give me permission to do anything. It might not have sunk in yet, but I am a grown-ass fucking woman and only I get to decide what to do with my life. You can voice your concerns, and I promise to consider them. But at the end of the day, all decisions about my life get made by me and only me!"

Just as I was running out of steam, the bell over the door rang and Eeli stormed in. Perfect. I was already on a roll.

I whirled to face him and pointed at him. "And you. You're my soulmate. And I get that it means something deeper than just love. But you don't get to decide to run off and leave me behind. You want to make me happy? You stay here and we figure out how to work things out between us."

Eeli didn't hesitate. He lunged forward and snatched me around my waist and clutched me close to his broad, warm chest and my world slipped back into place.

"And you," he growled into my ear, "don't get to run off crying and not telling anyone where you are. We've been looking for you for hours, woman. I nearly lost my fucking mind. Dyson too."

I could hear the fear in his voice and it melted all the anger right out of me. I glanced over his shoulder and through the glass double doors, expecting Dyson to come storming in at any moment.

When he never showed up, I pulled back from Eeli a bit. "What, is Dyson so mad he's waiting in the car? He doesn't want to see me?"

"Shit." Eeli let me go and grabbed his phone from his pocket. He quickly typed in a text before looking back up at me. "We split up to cover more ground. I just let him know you're safe."

The last words turned into a fierce growl I felt to my soul. He prowled back to me and pulled me into his arms.

"Eeli, you and Dyson split up?" I asked softly.

He grunted. "Yeah, we've both been going crazy not knowing where you were in case you missed the memo."

I stared up at him wide-eyed before shooting a look over at Sawyer and Trinity. I was sure my expression matched theirs.

"How long ago did you split up?" I asked carefully, trying to not let a wash of hope overtake my emotions.

Before Eeli could answer, Dyson pulled up out front. I watched as he threw open his door and marched inside. He didn't pause a moment, even after his gaze skimmed over Sawyer. He walked right to us and yanked me out of Eeli's arms into his own. Eeli followed behind me, molding his front to my back and in seconds I was cocooned between my men.

"Don't do that again, baby. Please God don't do that again to us," Dyson growled, his mouth close to my ear, making me shiver.

I melted into him, but I wasn't about to give up my newfound independence. "And you don't talk about reenlisting and leaving me again."

He pulled back just enough to look down into my face. "You heard us?"

"I did. You did a good job of breaking my heart that either of you would consider leaving me."

His eyes closed briefly and then he leaned forward and nuzzled against my temple. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. We just hate the thought of getting you involved in all this messed-up stuff. We didn't mean to hurt you. I doubt they'd take us in our condition anyway."

Eeli eased a hand soothingly up and down my back, his gesture reinforcing Dyson's words.

"I understand that, but the only thing that would hurt me is if you two left me." I gave Dyson a hard look and glanced over my shoulder to include Eeli in my scolding. "You don't get to leave me. And as far as things being messed up…you two do realize you've been apart for hours while you looked for me, right?"

I kept my eyes glued to Dyson's face so I got to see the emotions that passed over it. He raised his eyes to look at Eeli over my shoulder. "You were okay?"

"Yeah. You?"

Dyson nodded.

I grinned up at him feeling a bit cocky. "See. You're already better being with me. You two need me." And I needed them.

Dyson grinned down at me, his hands flexing on my hips. "No doubt about that, sweetheart." His grin became even more boyish as he included Eeli in his glance.

I had to swallow as tears clogged my throat. This time tears of happiness, not fear or heartbreak. This was the first ray of hope we had that Eeli and Dyson would settle into a more normal life after so much death and loss.

Well, as normal as they'd get with sharing me in an unorthodox life. And in a small town like this, mouths were bound to be moving with our names falling from them. I pushed that thought away and focused on the good stuff. I had no doubt that even after their deepest wounds healed and scarred over, the three of us would be together.

Then something else occurred to me.

"While we're discussing things, I'm telling you both right now, nightmares or no nightmares, you aren't kicking me out of our bed again. We'll figure out how to deal with them in a way that you two know I'm safe, but that way will not include me sleeping anywhere but between the two of you. End of story."

"Jesus." Sawyer's voice broke into our little bubble. I might have forgotten he and Trinity were there for a second or two.

I grinned up at Dyson. "Oops."

He threw his head back and laughed and I could hear and feel Eeli's warm chuckles from behind me. A warmth spread through me and for the first time since I woke up alone this morning, I started to believe things would be okay.

"Sorry, man," Dyson said once his laughter subsided. He turned to face Sawyer, his arm looping my waist to keep me drawn to his side. Eeli stayed pressed to my other right as I shifted to face my brother. "But you have to know, we're not changing anything. She's our soulmate. I know Clara is your sister. I'd like to tell you if I could do things differently I would, but I'd be lying. She's it for us. I know this is unusual, but you're going to have to figure out how to get used to it."

Sawyer passed a hand over his face and a glance showed me Trinity was fighting off giggles.

"I get it," Sawyer said. "Believe me, watching the three of you together, it would be hard to miss. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause problems."

My guys nodded at my brother, silently accepting his apology.

"That being said," Sawyer continued, "I never, ever want to hear another word about your sleeping arrangements or anything that goes along with it. I'm sure Mac and Trent will agree."

Trinity and I broke out into soft laughter.

Sawyer shook his head. "Seriously, if you could keep at least a few inches between all of you when I'm around…"

Trinity's giggles turned to flat-out laughter. She wrapped her arms around Sawyer's waist and turned her face up to his. "Aww, sweetie, now you know how Clara felt all these months watching us together."

Sawyer groaned and I laughed again. "Payback is a bitch, big brother."

Sawyer's eyes flew to mine. I could see him fighting the temptation to tell me not to say bitch. He won the fight. Good thing, too. I was feeling pretty sassy with the whole new saying it like it is and to hell with what anyone thought.

"How about we leave these three alone?" Trinity suggested and nudged my brother.

His eyes shifted back and forth between the three of us. He squeezed Trinity once before letting her go. He stepped over and held out a hand to Dyson. They shook hands, but Sawyer proved he wasn't going to give up the protective big brother role entirely.

"Take good care of my sister," he said and clapped a hand down on Dyson's shoulder harder than necessary. "She's the baby of the family and precious to us all."

Dyson nodded and Sawyer turned to Eeli, giving him the same treatment.

Trinity shook her head at me. "Men." She rolled her eyes and turned to Sawyer. "Come on, caveman. Time to take me home."

Sawyer grinned. "Caveman, huh?"

He didn't give Trinity a chance to respond. He bent at the waist and pushed into her, lifting her into a fireman's hold over his shoulder. She squealed and grabbed at his back, but she couldn't stop her giggles.

She lifted up her head long enough to wink at me and give me a little wave as Sawyer carried her out the door.

Dyson leaned down to me. "You all done here with the little critters or do you need some?"

I looked around and realized I'd managed to get the place spotless in my desire to push down all my feelings. I looked at my men and thought with two possessive, protective mountain men sharing my life, chances were I'd have lots of opportunities to get out my feelings with a scrub brush and sponge.

"Nope, I'm done here."

"Good," Eeli said. "Let's get your sexy ass home."

He and Dyson moved to either side of me to walk me outside, pressing into me and making me feel safe, protected and loved. And I knew one thing for sure.

I was already home.