9. Dixie

CHAPTER 9

Dixie

I rub my back and wrinkle my nose. Dammit! My whole body aches. And I'm only four and a half months or so. I never realized how much being pregnant sucks.

Especially since my boss, Rebel, is pregnant also. I don't think I can stand seeing Tony rubbing her back and feeding her crackers anymore.

I'm alone. By choice. But it still hurts. I didn't find out until I was almost two months along that I was pregnant. In the beginning, I really thought that my stomach was upset all the time because I missed Cord. I didn't think I could but I fucking have. I miss him every damn second of the day. I miss him when I'm alone in my cabin at night. My hand reaches out in my sleep and I feel like I can almost touch his warm skin. Can almost feel his arms wrapping around me and tugging me close.

But he's not here. And I wake up, my eyes welling with tears. I'm an emotional wreck and I'm laying it all at his door. He put some damn love spell on me and I can't seem to forget him no matter how much I try.

"Oh, Dixie! I know how much you love those stupid horror stories. There's some famous author who's going to be doing a book signing at the Page Turner tonight. I meant to tell you about this last week but …." She bites her lip and her cheeks flush bright pink and Tony smirks.

"Oh god! You two need to stop it! You're making me physically sick." I groan and rub my belly while it churns around like a damn washing machine.

"Oh, is the nausea hitting you again, Dixie?" The sympathy in Rebel's face appeases some sick side of me. The damn woman only had morning sickness for two months and then she's been fine. She's eating like a horse and she hasn't had any issues at all. Which is why it's weird that Tony still feeds her crackers but the woman loves them and she loves his attention.

My heart bottoms out and I feel the tears pushing at my eyes again. I miss Cord. And why the hell do I miss a man that I met and saw for one damn night.

But there was something there that terrified me. He was so insistent that we were meant to be forever. That we were fated or something and I just don't believe that there's love out there for me.

I've spent my whole life alone. Sloan and I were abandoned by our single mom when I was eight and she was five. We sat in the messy, cold apartment where the heat was shut off months ago for days before one of the neighbors finally noticed that we hadn't gone to school.

And then children's services came to get us and we entered the foster system for two years before we were adopted by a family with five boys who longed for a girl. When they heard about us they demanded to adopt both of us.

The Kensington's were wonderful people and Sloan and I didn't know what to think about our luck for a long time after that. I mean, they spent time with us. Bought us clothes, fed us and played games with us. We had five crazy big brothers who doted on us. Even now my older brother, Troy has been bugging the hell out of me to come visit and I've been putting him off because if he finds out that I'm pregnant I'm never gonna hear the end of it and he's gonna pester me until he finds out who the daddy is. Or he's gonna do his computer voodoo and find out somehow.

All of my big brothers have gone into law enforcement or security of some sort and it's damn hard to keep anything from them.

But I need time. I still can't quite believe it myself. I'm having a baby. I never thought I'd be a mother and truthfully, it terrifies me. What if I'm awful at it? Like my mother. Our father was never even in the picture. He was just some blip who fell in and out of her life until he managed to get her knocked up twice and disappeared for good.

But if we all take after our mothers, what then? Mine was an embarrassment to the name mother.

I don't want to be that to my child. I don't know yet whether it's a boy or a girl although I have the strangest feeling that it's a daughter. A girl that I hope doesn't carry on my family's legacy.

I shake myself out of my thoughts and grimace at Rebel. "I do feel kind of queasy today. Like there's just something building in the air."

"Maybe you're getting a migraine, honey. Storms and stuff cause migraines. The air pressure changes do it."

I nod my head and sigh, dropping my forehead into my palm. "I know. But I don't think that's it. I didn't sleep well last night." Dreams. Always the dreams of Cord and our one night of pleasure. I ache for him.

"Why don't you go home and get some rest? I'll be leaving soon anyway. There aren't any appointments this afternoon. And I'm gonna go to that book signing and author talk tonight. I can meet you there if you want to? It would do you good to get out of the house. It seems like you've been cooped up in there since you got back from your vacation."

I nod my head. "Yeah. I don't know. Maybe if I feel better later." I stand up and hesitate. "Are you sure about this?"

She waves her slender hand in the air. "Go home. Get some rest. If you're not careful your brothers are all gonna end up here and driving you crazy about not taking care of yourself."

I chuckle but it's a tight, uneasy sound. I definitely don't need the guys showing up here and finding out why I've been so hard to get ahold of lately.

I have a feeling they'd pile into the pick-up trucks and head out looking for Cord with a preacher and a shotgun.

"I'll see you later, Dixie. Get some rest. Sweet dreams."

I nod at her and walk out, my steps slow and tired. I haven't had a decent night's sleep for months. I feel so terrible about not telling Cord about the baby but truthfully, I can't remember his last name. It was on the form but I deleted all that stuff after I took off so that he couldn't find me.

Good thinking, right?

I slip into my old car and lean forward, putting my head on the steering wheel. My head hurts, my heart feels like it's bruised and battered and all of me just wants Cord.

I love him. How ironic is that? I ran away from a man that I finally figured out that I love.

I am an idiot. But I will figure things out and I will not be a mother like my own. I smile when I think of Mama Kensington's joy when she finds out about the baby. She's been bugging all of us for grandkids. She's gonna be over the moon.

I start my car and head home, forcing myself to focus on the narrow, winding road up Wildwood Mountain.

And when I pull up at my sweet little cabin with the porch swing and the flowers by the steps, I break down and put my head down to cry. Because I know that it's perfect and perfectly lonely.

It's all on me and it all will be.

I cradle my slight baby bump and purse my lips. "I promise you, baby. We're gonna be just fine. You and I are gonna be a team." My heart fills with love and I smile when I feel a tiny flutter.

Could it be a kick? I don't know. But it tells me that from this point on…I'm not alone. I'll never be alone. No matter if I never see Cord again, I have a tiny life that depends on me.

"I love you, baby. I will always love you. I can't wait to meet you."

I walk into my cabin and lie down in bed, for once the ugly churning in my belly is silent and I feel calm and peaceful.

It's gonna be alright. I can do this. I have the best reason to do this.

I'm gonna be a mama.