Chapter Seventeen

The morning air was crisp and cold, and my breath hung around me in little white clouds as I walked through the academy grounds, following the curve of the wall as much through habit as anything else. The artificial sun—an enchanted, vampire-safe mirror of the real one—was creeping above the horizon, and I knew my first class had already started. I walked on steadily.

It wasn't that I was avoiding Thaden after yesterday. What had happened between us in the library was… I mean, it wasn't like any of us had planned that, things had just gotten…het up. We got caught up in the moment, all of us. I didn't expect him to like me all of a sudden. It wasn't like this changed things between us. It wasn't going to hurt any more than it had before next time he sneered at me like I was nothing.

…Okay, so I was avoiding Thaden. Sue me.

I blew out a huff of air. At least Cole didn't seem bothered by what had happened. What did it matter what Thaden thought of me? He'd spent the whole year making his feelings perfectly clear. Whatever we'd shared last year, that was over. Yesterday was just…a blip. It didn't mean anything.

So why couldn't I get it out of my head?

I let out a frustrated groan and stopped walking, slumping back against the wall. What a mess. How the hell was my life more chaotic than this time last year? Because I thought being a human in an academy of monsters—one of them my mate—had been bad enough. Not that I'd ever been a human. Not my whole life. Everything I'd thought I'd known about myself…nothing had ever been real. Who even was I?

I wrapped my arms around myself and squeezed my eyes shut. I was not going to cry. Self-pity was not my thing. So what that my entire fucking life had been a lie? No point crying over spilt milk, right? Except that was what human parents told their human children. That wasn't me.

"Fuck!" I slammed my fist behind me against the wall, relishing the jolt that traveled up my arm. Anything was better than the confusion eating at me from the inside.

"What did that wall ever do to you, sweetness?"

My head whipped round and I sucked in a sharp breath as my eyes fell on Thaden, and then I forced a scowl.

"What are you doing, sneaking around out here? Shouldn't you be in class?"

"Right back at you."

I rolled my eyes, staring out across the grounds, pointedly not looking at him. "I'm ditching. But don't go thinking it's because of you, because it's not."

He leaned against the wall next to me. "I'm ditching, too. But that's where our commonalities end."

Despite myself, I jerked my head round to look at him, and his eyes snared me.

"Because you are precisely the reason."

I searched his face. "But…"

"Did you think I wouldn't come looking for you after yesterday? Do you truly think so little of me?"

I wrenched my eyes away and found myself staring at his feet. "You hate me," I whispered.

"No."

I shook my head in frustration. "What I am, then."

"No."

"Don't play games with me, Thaden. Not today, please."

Thaden blew out a heavy sigh. He started to reach for my chin, then paused and allowed his hand to fall away. I turned to look at him anyway.

"I hate what your blood does to me," he said. "I hate the way I crave it. I hate the way it makes me lose control. But I don't—I could never—hate you."

"But you said…" I swallowed, hating how small my voice sounded. How hurt. "You said there was nothing about me you wanted."

Raw pain flashed through his eyes. "I'm sorry. I was angry."

"I didn't mean to get you addicted."

"You misunderstand me. I wasn't angry with you—how could I be? Everything you said was true. I took your blood when I had no right, when you begged me not to."

"Then…"

"I was angry with myself." His expression was one of self-loathing, and he avoided my eye. "You don't know much about me, do you? About my past, I mean?"

I shook my head mutely. I knew he was a friend of Cole's, and that Cole had planned to marry his twin to form an alliance between the shifters and the vampires—the strongest pack and the most powerful clan in the country. Until I'd come along. But beyond that, he'd never spoken about his life outside of the academy. I'd never asked.

"Do you know much about how vampires raise their young?"

"A little." He nodded encouragingly so I continued. "They adopt human children at birth and raise them as their own. On the child's eighteenth birthday they're bitten and turned, and then sent to the academy."

"The human who gave birth to me was chosen for her bloodlines. My parents are royalty, and they needed an heir who would be fit to rule in their place should the time come."

I shivered. "I didn't realize it was so…calculated."

Thaden barked a bitter laugh. "I was no baby abandoned at an orphanage, if that's what you mean. The human was well compensated."

"She…sold you?"

"I was never hers, nor Thessalia. Humans have similar customs. Surrogacy is not uncommon in the mortal world."

"I guess."

"My whole life I was groomed to take my place in our clan's royal family; Thessalia, too. When we were young, they tried to pit us against each other—as twins, either of us could have been considered the true heir. When that didn't work, they used our closeness against each other. If one of us broke a rule, the other was punished."

"That's…barbaric."

He gave me a sad smile. "But effective. We were trained for our future roles, schooled in languages and cultures, taught how to fight and how to make peace. And always, always taught to understand that our humanity was a temporary state, that we were different—better—than the true humans who served as our feeders and staff. It mattered to my parents that we understood that all vampires are superior to humans, and that we were superior to all other vampires in our clan. Nothing was more important than hierarchy."

I said nothing, trying to keep the horror from showing on my face. Judging by Thaden's expression, I failed.

"It's difficult for an outsider to understand," he said. "My family is very old, very powerful, and few things mattered more than tradition. And for the most part, I agreed with them. I understand the importance of stability, that power must be used correctly to keep from unrest, to prevent war or the exposure of our kind. But as a teen, it felt…oppressive."

"Can't imagine why," I mumbled sarcastically.

"I suppose to you it must seem strange that I didn't rebel sooner," he mused. "But it's the way of my world, and I was raised from birth to know my place in it. Just as you were raised to know yours. As a child you never questioned looking after your mother?"

"Fair enough," I conceded grudgingly. "Go on."

"I was young and powerful—perhaps not physically, but everyone I met deferred to me. Humans, vampires, hell, even the visiting fae treated me with careful respect. It was…isolating. I would see the feeders' children playing, but anytime I got near, their parents ushered them away, and prostrated themselves, hoping to gain favor with my parents. I was fifteen when I was first brave enough to sneak out of the clan's territory. I didn't go far. There was a human town a few miles away, and none of them knew who I was. Can you imagine it?"

He searched my face. "No, I don't suppose you can. For the first time, I wasn't Prince Thaden, heir of the Moritego Clan. I was just another faceless kid. People spoke to me. Someone actually insulted me."

He smiled at the memory, and then his lips turned down.

"Before long, I was sneaking out every chance I got. I fell in with a bad crew. They never knew who I was, or who I was destined to become. I was just another nobody. No past, no future. It wasn't long until I tried drugs for the first time. It was freeing. To be able to just…feel. Everything was brighter. Sharper. Better."

I stared at him as his words sunk in. "You became addicted."

"I did. It wasn't until I was arrested by the humans' police that my parents found out. They were furious. They covered it up, of course—the exposure risk alone could have meant the council intervening if they'd caught word of it. But I think more than anything they were horrified that I'd lowered myself to interact with the human population. They saw it as a betrayal, and perhaps it was. They tried to lock me in my room, so much as they could without raising the suspicions of the clan." He shook his head sadly. "I was smart, and resourceful. And determined. No matter what they did, I broke out, and kept finding ways to feed my addiction, no matter who it hurt."

He dragged his hand down his face and I could do nothing but watch, rapt.

"It wasn't until they threatened to kill Thessalia that I stopped escaping."

"They threatened to kill her?" I blurted in my horror.

"I don't know if they would have done it, or if they just wanted to shock me from my self-absorption, but in either case, it worked. I made a deal with a fae to help me get clean. That's how I met Cole, actually."

I blinked. "Cole?"

He smiled, a genuine smile this time that almost reached his eyes. "It took me months to get clean, to be myself again. Once I was, the fae summoned me to fulfil my end of the bargain. As I was leaving the Wandering Willow—"

"The Wandering Willow?" I interrupted. "Your deal was with Aodh?"

Thaden inclined his head. "It was. And Aodh never forgets a bargain struck. As I was leaving, feeling cheated and disillusioned at the cost of preserving Thessalia's life, I bumped into Cole—literally."

"And you made friends?" This part had always confused me—shifters and vampires hated each other. Except Thaden and Cole.

Thaden laughed. "No. We beat the hell out of each other. He broke two of my ribs. And it felt good. Not the pain, as such, just being able to feel something, anything, for the first time since I'd gotten clean. We made a habit of it after that—but that, sweetness, is a story for another time."

"Thank you," I said softly. "For telling me. I had no idea."

He gave me a rueful smile. "It's not something I like to advertise. There could be consequences if word got out."

"You still think Thessalia might be in danger?"

"Not just Thessalia. You've been in our world a year and a half now, sweetness. You know what it thinks of weakness."

I nodded. I did know. I'd seen it firsthand. We'd started last year with a lot more students than we had now.

Thaden released a breath and leaned back against the wall. "I can't lead the Moritego clan if I can't even control myself."

"And my blood makes you lose control," I whispered.

"I swore I would never be that person again, and yet, here we are."

"It's not the same," I protested.

"No," he agreed. "It's not. Because the fae can't help me now. There's no getting clean from dhampir blood. ‘Impossible', that was the word Aodh used. Amongst other things."

He shook his head and pushed off from the wall, his face hardening. "Good talk, sweetness. See you around."

And with that, he strode off, leaving me staring after him.