Chapter Four

CHAPTER FOUR

Dusty

It’s crazy how sometimes I can tell Morgan the truth, say everything to him, but he can’t hear the meaning behind the words. This is what I’ve grown to understand over the last ten years—he can’t hear that I love him because he doesn’t want to.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Morgan cares about me, that we hurt him, that to him I’m his best friend and his person, but it’s never been in the same way he’s mine.

He loved me.

I was in love with him.

That in might only be two letters, but it’s packed full of a whole lot of meaning. I’ve worked through my feelings for him over the years—gone through the hurt, the anger, the acknowledgment, and then finally started to move on. Now I’m afraid I’ll have to start all over again.

Maybe it’ll be different this time. Maybe I’ll be able to be friends with Morgan without wanting more.

“Fuck, I missed you.” He wraps his hand around my nape and tugs me closer. My arms go around him, the two of us sharing our first hug in what feels like an eternity.

I breathe him in. Some kind of cologne clings to his skin that used to smell of amber and musk. It’s still there, the hint of it, but now it’s covered slightly. “I missed you too.”

He pulls away and chuckles. “I told myself I was going to stay angry with you. But then I look at you, and it’s hard to stay mad because all I can remember are all those times when you were the only one who could make things better.”

My heart clenches, feels like he’s holding it in his fist, squeezing tighter and tighter. He doesn’t know what hearing him say shit like that used to do to me. Hell, maybe still does to me, though I’m trying to pretend I don’t notice.

“Tell me about your life.” I lie down on the dock, looking up at him. Morgan is just as gorgeous as he’s always been, only more mature now. His skin is still golden, hair in a dark fade, deep-set brown eyes that hold a lifetime of secrets and pain. He starts to move, and I add, “Nope. Just stand there. You’re blocking the sun.”

He chuckles deeply, rolls his eyes, and lies down beside me. We used to do this a lot before Ella. Afterward, none of the Swifts came out here for years, but I figure since Morgan was already here when I arrived, he’s okay with it.

“I’m the CEO of a beverage company back home.”

I try not to twitch at hearing him call Santa Monica home. And I already know about his job. The Swift brothers aren’t close, but there are certain things Rhett or Easton have shared with me about Morgan over the years. Still, I want to hear it from him.

“Do you like it?”

“I don’t dislike it.” He laughs. “Do most people like their jobs? I make good money, and I’m good at it. I don’t hate it, so I consider that a win.”

“I like my job,” I admit. It might not be as fancy as what he’s doing, but Morgan was always the one who was more into shit like that. It’s partly why seeing Rhett leave for Harvard had hurt him so much. There are certain ways where they’re like their dad, and Morgan wouldn’t have been happy with putting cars back together.

“Not all of us are as lucky as you.”

I nod because he’s right. I grew up with parents who didn’t love what they did either, but worked their asses off to makes ends meet. “Do you own a house back there?” I can’t call it his home. In my mind, Birchbark will always be his home.

Morgan sits up and scoots closer to the edge of the dock so his feet are hanging over the side again. “Um…no. I live with my boyfriend—Rob.”

The air is ripped from my lungs hearing that, making them burn, though it shouldn’t. We’re thirty-five, after all. Of course Morgan would have someone in his life. I’ve had boyfriends too, but I’ve never lived with anyone. I’ve never taken things to that next level, and I don’t know why I thought Morgan wouldn’t either. Or maybe I’d just wished it, which makes me an asshole. Who hopes for someone to be alone?

I clear my throat. “What does he do?”

“He’s in marketing. But I don’t want to talk about Rob.”

That makes two of us. I don’t want to talk about Rob either. I hate Rob, and I don’t even know the guy. But I do wonder why Morgan doesn’t want to speak about him. Shouldn’t that be something you want to do about someone you love?

“You did it,” he says. “Started your business.”

My chest puffs out. I can’t lie, I’m proud of what I’ve done. That I built my business from nothing. It’s my greatest accomplishment. “I did.”

“I’m so fucking happy for you, Dust. Really. I always knew you’d do it. You’re one of those annoying people who can accomplish anything you set your mind to.”

I roll my eyes, though yeah, hearing that from him feels good. “Let’s not pretend you’re not incredibly successful.”

He shrugs. “Depends on how you see success.” He turns my way, and I see it then. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know Morgan the way I do. There’s always been a little bit of a sadness to him—to all the Swift brothers. Rhett’s I’ve learned since Morgan left, and Easton’s since he started to work for me, but Morgan’s I know like my own, feel like my own. He’s not happy. Not in the ways that matter. I see it in his eyes. Most people wouldn’t see much in them at all, but I do—how he doesn’t smile, yes, but also in how he does. It’s more the smile he gave around his family than the ones I’d see when it was just us.

Morgan is lonely, and fuck if I don’t want to find a way to fix it. To make it better for him the way I tried to do when we were kids—and how he didn’t know he did for me. While I didn’t have the same struggles Morgan did, he still always made things better.

In elementary school I didn’t have friends except him. In middle school I was teased until he let people know that we wouldn’t take it, and if you gave me shit, you were giving Morgan Swift shit. No one wanted to fuck with his family. They still don’t.

He would buy me things he knew I wanted but my family couldn’t afford. In high school, he picked me up and dropped me off for work every day—sometimes with Easton and Ella in the back seat—until I could afford a vehicle myself. And when I got my old piece-of-shit Toyota at seventeen, Morgan spent any free time he could find helping me fix it up.

Morgan says I’m his person, that I was his, but he doesn’t see that he’s always been my person too.

“What?” he asks, then looks away as if he knows he showed more than he meant to.

“Nothing. Just noticing how fucking old you look,” I tease.

“Oh, fuck you. If I’m old, you’re old too.” Morgan laughs, deep and rumbly, which like always is contagious, and before I know it, I’m doing the same. When we settle down, he nudges my arm with his, then leaves them close so they’re touching. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at dealing with shit. You’re the last person I ever wanted to hurt.”

“I know that.” And I do. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you did…just like how I never wanted to hurt you, but I did.” Subconsciously, maybe the reason I’d kissed Rhett was because I knew it would affect Morgan. Being human isn’t black and white. We’re not all good or bad. We’re all made up of shades of gray, all make mistakes and do the wrong thing, and sometimes we hurt those we love. “How’s your dad?”

“Stubborn as shit. Was in his office all day. At first he said he was happy to see me, and then he was done with me. Basically, he hasn’t changed.”

Which I already knew. Maybe one day he would, but that day hasn’t come yet. “You should see Easton. He told me this morning you’re back. Have you called him?”

“No.” He rubs a hand over his face. “Fuck, I need to do that. He’s having a hard time?”

“He’s been having a hard time his whole life. He just doesn’t hide it the way you and Rhett do.”

Morgan tenses beside me. While he and Rhett pretend everything is okay to the outside world, Easton doesn’t give a fuck what most people think.

“Yeah, I know. It doesn’t matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep him out of trouble growing up—fights at school, getting suspended, barely graduating.”

“And only doing that because of the work you did for him.” Morgan did too much of Easton’s homework. Gregory got him out of trouble. Morgan because of guilt, wanting to make Easton’s life as easy as possible, and Gregory to keep their family secrets. Morgan and Rhett tried to take care of him, baby him, but I don’t know if they ever talked to him, listened to him, and they sure as shit never tried to get him help. But then, it should have been Gregory doing those things.

“I just wanted to help. What the fuck did I know about raising a kid?”

But that’s basically what he and Rhett had done.

“Archer has hauled him out of the bar more than once, driving him home before he does something stupid.” For whatever reason, Archer Thorn has been a godsend when it comes to East.

“Yeah, I heard he’s an officer now. God, you used to have the biggest crush on him. The two of you on a first-name basis now?” Something in my face must have changed because Morgan’s dark eyes go wide. “Holy shit. You fucked Archer Thorn? He’s queer?”

I shrug. “It’s nothing serious. We’ve scratched an itch a time or two. He’s a friend.”

“Goddamn.” Morgan whistles. Sobering, he adds, “I’ll talk to East. I really fucked up with him, didn’t I?”

“You were a kid yourself. None of that shit should have been on you. He’s doing good at the shop, though. I think he really loves it, he just doesn’t know how to let himself love anything.”

We’re quiet for a moment, both looking out over the water. He wants to say something, I can feel it, so I wait, giving him the space he needs. “She would have hated what’s happened to us…all of us.”

I nod. She would have. Allison Swift was all heart. You had to be to see something in Gregory. I might have only been eight when she died, but I know she loved her kids more than anything in this whole damn world.

Before I can figure out what to say, if anything, I hear the sound of a car behind us. Morgan turns to see who it is, but I already know. Even if I hadn’t suspected it earlier, I would know from the rush of heat that blasts off Morgan.

Rhett is here, and just like that, the spell is broken.

“I should go.” I stand, unwilling to be here and cause more drama between them. Morgan pushes to his feet too, grabbing his shoes and shoving his feet into them.

We walk side by side back up to the house. Rhett leans against his beamer, arms crossed, watching us.

“Fall right back into your friendship even though he’s ignored you for ten fucking years?” he asks, because of course he does.

“Jesus Christ, Rhett. Stop trying to antagonize him,” I say, just as Morgan curses, “Fuck you. What’s between me and Dusty has nothing to do with you.”

Rhett shrugs. “Just making an observation.”

“How about you both stop acting like kids?” I say, tossing a look back and forth between them. Neither is immature on his own, but together all bets are off.

For what it’s worth, Morgan ignores him. “I’m going inside to check on Dad. Thanks for coming.” He reaches a hand up to brush my hair off my forehead the way he used to. It’s been so long and surprises me so much that I flinch, and Morgan stops…drops his hand, turns, and goes back inside.

When I hear the door close, I breathe again.

“You’re going to get hurt,” Rhett says. “He won’t stay. He’ll leave us all behind just like he did ten years ago.”

I don’t mention what prompted him to leave the way he had because we both know he was going regardless. “I’m an adult. I can take care of myself.”

“What is it you see in him? He’s selfish and—”

“No. He’s not. He’s a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them.” As our friendship grew, I shared more with Rhett. He knows why I kissed him that night, knows I’ve been in love with Morgan my whole damn life, which he’ll never understand.

“You deserve better,” he says.

“Like you?” I snap, though I know that’s not what he meant. Rhett isn’t queer. He kissed me back that night because he was drunk and sad and wanted to punish Morgan. We’ve discussed it a lot over the years. He’s never been with a guy, and while we’ve become friends, there’s no romance between us. Morgan might not let many people in, but he always let me in. Rhett, we talk and spend time together, but he’s never opened up to me the way Morgan has. I don’t know if Rhett knows how to ever let anyone in—even his ex-wife.

“You know I don’t want that with us,” Rhett says.

“I don’t either. I was just proving a point. Let it go. What’s between me and Morgan is just that. What you both need to do is focus on fixing what’s going on in your family.”

He loosens his tie and pushes off the car. “That’s never going to happen, and you know it.”

Rhett doesn’t say goodbye, just heads for the house, leaving me out here alone.