32. Bianca

Idon"t know how much time"s passed. Vlad"s given me one of his guestrooms, a room bare except for basic necessities. He"s advised me how tough the next few days will be, and yet I don"t believe him.

As I lay in bed now, my skin drenched in sweat, my body heavy and lethargic, I almost want to beg him to either give me a line or put a bullet through my brain. It"s been a while since my mind started playing tricks on me, a fogginess clouding my sight and making me lose track of everything around.

I"m in and out of consciousness.

I sleep and sleep and when I wake, I want to sleep again. At some point, I have to admit to myself that it"s not just my body that yearns for that rest, but my mind also doesn"t want to face reality.

Whenever I find myself awake, my mind immediately takes me back to my last conversation with Theo. I keep hearing his words, again and again. They keep replaying in my head like an anthem.

"You disgust me!"

I"ve never made excuses for my behavior before.

I"ve always thought that I am what I am, why should I change? I kill because I enjoy it. I take coke because I enjoy it. I love Theo because I enjoy it.

Maybe that"s the problem… It always goes back to what I"m enjoying. I don"t think I"ve ever done anything that doesn"t result in my enjoyment, no matter how much I"ve professed that I"ve always put Theo"s well-being above my own.

Alone in my continuous torment, I realize I never have.

I"ve been overconfident. I"ve assumed he"d never find out. I"ve assumed he"d always be mine.

And now he"s not.

Why? Why can"t he overlook it? Why can"t he accept me?

But I know the truth deep down, just as I"ve known when I"ve changed my personality to suit him. I"ve known he"d never go for me, the real me.

I"m bawling at this point. Big, fat tears streaming down my face. I can"t do this. I can"t ever do this.

I struggle out of bed, almost tripping on my way out.

"Vlad!" I yell, banging on the door. "Vlad!" I keep on hitting the door.

"Bianca?" I hear Vlad respond once the door opens.

I don"t stop however, now hitting his chest instead.

"I can"t do it, Vlad. I can"t! Please don"t make me do it!" I cry out, sobs wrecking my body. When all my energy is spent from my tantrum, I collapse at Vlad"s feet.

"B, come on, let"s put you to bed." He gathers me in his arms and puts me to bed.

"Please…" I beg him. "One line. Just one. I need out of my head. I can"t bear these thoughts, Vlad." My hands go to his blazer, and I plead with him at this point. I don"t want to hear Theo"s voice telling me how disgusting I am anymore. I don"t want to see his face full of disappointment, of hate.

"I can"t, B. You have to push through. It"s only been two days. It"s going to get better, I promise."

"Why would I? He hates me. He… He can"t stand the sight of me."

"But you said you weren"t going to give up on him. Remember?"

I shake my head. "It"s pointless. He"s never going to forgive me, is he?"

"Shh, B, come on, sleep." He tugs my head towards the pillow, holding me for a little longer.

I sleep more, waking up only to eat and drink some fluids. Sasha, Vlad"s doctor, comes by a few times to check up on me, but he doesn"t say much.

I"m still having bad dreams. And when I"m awake, my mind immediately goes to Theo.

I"ve asked Vlad if he"s tried to contact me so far, but he has refrained from replying.

In my few moments of clarity, I can understand Vlad"s thoughts. He doesn"t think I can ever get Theo back.

It"s a new day when I wake, or so I think. From what Vlad"s told me, this is the third day of my detox. To say I"m craving a line is an understatement. From the moment I open my eyes, I notice the trembling in my body. The fact that my eyes can"t focus well on things. But mostly, I become singularly focused on getting more dope.

It"s pure instinct when a guy comes in later to bring me food. I wait for him to give me his back before I grab him by the throat, stealing his gun.

I"m still a sweaty mess, but I"m a sweaty mess with a purpose.

I yank open the door and head for one of the warehouses. I know Vlad"s house like I know my own. And I know he always keeps some product on hand for emergency deliveries. I just have to make my way to the edge of the property where the warehouses are located.

I only make it to the back garden before Vlad catches up with me.

"Please don"t stop me, Vlad," I plead with him. I must look a fright, and I feel my fingers trembling on the trigger of the pistol in my hand.

"Put the gun down, malyshka, you can"t shoot shit right now, and you know it." He smiles at me and cocks his head. I raise my hand and try to point it at Vlad and the guys behind him.

"You don"t want to do this," he continues and removes his cell phone from his pocket, dangling it in front of me.

"Please, Vlad. You don"t get it. I can"t do this!" I don"t recognize my own voice when I"m speaking.

Vlad just shrugs at me and dials a number, showing me he"s putting it on speaker.

"Hastings here," the voice says on the other end, and my eyes widen in surprise.

"No…"

"Mr. Hastings, just the man I wanted to talk to." Vlad smiles, and I take a step towards him, whispering no again.

"What is it, Vlad?" my husband asks in a clipped manner.

"I have something of yours." He looks at me. "Although, she"s a little damaged."

"No…" I keep shaking my head.

"What are you on about, Vlad?" Theo asks, and Vlad winks at me.

"Bianca, do you want to say something to your husband?"

"Theo…" I say his name, the hand holding the gun coming down on its own.

I take a step towards the phone, my focus suddenly changing from dope to Theo. I don"t make it though. At some point, while in motion, I feel a figure sneak behind my back and a needle poking my skin.

I almost fall to the ground before someone catches me, but I manage to yell one more time at the top of my lungs.

"Theoooo!"