29. Bianca

Idon"t know how I left the apartment or where I am. I"ve never seen Theo so upset, so inconsolable. When he"d told me to get out and that I disgusted him, something broke inside me. My chest cavity feels constricted for some reason.

I stand for a minute and punch myself in my breast to alleviate some of the discomfort. Am I having a heart attack? There"s something to be said about the state I"m in… I"ve never felt like this before. Can someone feel like dying when they"re very much alive and physically uninjured?

I"ve had my fair share of wounds throughout the years, caused by different weapons and to varying degrees of concern. Not even the worst pain I"d withstood when Vlad and I had been stranded in New Mexico with no medical equipment but a bottle of whiskey and our knives.

He"d dug out a bullet from my thigh with his blade and poured alcohol on it, and I"d somehow refrained from crying out. Now?

I shake my head and stumble forward, gripping the wall of the building near me for support.

There"s something wet on my face. I touch my hand to it and realize it"s tears.

I"m… crying? I"ve never cried unless I was pretending.

Never.

I panic, my breathing out of control. What"s happening to me? Did I finally break?

I try to put one foot in front of the other to make my way to my other apartment, but my entire body is too stiff. Why I"d walked instead of driven, I don"t know.

Out of the fog that shields my mind, I hear a whistle. I frown but keep walking. The whistling seems to intensify. I take a second to look around and realize I passed the 5th Avenue Station, so I must be around 62nd Street. I keep my pace until the whistling comes directly from behind me. Just as I"m waiting for it to pass me, a hand grabs my arm painfully and shoves me towards the alleyway.

Great.

I jerk my arm around to free myself, but it only makes my assailant treat me more roughly. I hit the wall, and pain radiates from my shoulder blade.

Shit. I wince.

Raising my head up, I see an older man with an unkempt appearance leering at me.

"Let me go," I say, quickly taking in all escape routes.

"Now, sweet girl. Out at this hour ain"t safe." He slurs his words, but what hits me is his appellation—sweet girl. My mind hones in on that word, and everything seems to fall away.

His hand goes to my shirt, his hurried movements aggressively ripping the bottom material. It"s enough to wake me up from my mental fog. My arm shoots out, and my elbow catches him under his chin, causing him to fall backward.

At this moment, I could run if I wanted to. I could leave him here and take off.

But I don"t.

My eyes must be glazed with a crazed look because as he sees me approaching him, he takes a step back.

My punch goes next, hitting him in the stomach. Then I knee him in the balls until he"s curled up at my feet.

"Please…" he whimpers.

I don"t stop.

My fists go at his face for what seems like forever. I hit and hit and hit, all the pain in my chest intensifying and making me go harder and harder.

I feel bone crunching.

The skin on my knuckles is slowly peeling away as I slam into him. His zygoma is crushed, bits of it flying as I keep hammering. I only stop when I feel a softness swallowing my knuckles and realize I"ve likely reached his brain. With a harsh breath, I let myself fall next to his body. Dead. He"s dead.

I killed him.

I"m a monster.

I"m disgusting.

Theo"s words keep replaying inside my head, and my tears fall uncontrollably.

It doesn"t take long for me to realize I need to do something about this, so I quickly grab my phone and dial Vlad.

"I… killed him," I say between sobs and hiccups.

"B?" he asks, concerned, and I hear movement. "Where are you?"

I give him what I think is my location, and he tells me to wait. The hand holding the cell drops, and I stare at the massacre in front of me.

I"m disgusting.

I keep looking at my handiwork that I don"t realize when, sometime later, a car pulls over. Vlad and his bodyguard Maxim step into the alleyway. I turn to look at him and see that he averts his gaze as soon as he spots the bloody corpse, his hand shielding his eyes. I can only imagine what seeing this does to him.

"Harsh, little goddess, harsh!" He shakes his heads and barks some commands in Russian to Maxim.

He notes my almost catatonic state and takes me into his arms to bring me to the car. Meanwhile, Maxim collects the corpse, placing it in the trunk of the vehicle.

"I"m sorry," I whisper, and he sighs.

"Don"t worry about it now."

That"s the last thing I hear before everything goes black.

* * *

When I come to, it"s to find an unknown man tending to the wounds on my hands. I struggle to snatch my hand away and get out of bed, but the man just gives me a strained smile.

"Yeshyeo net." Not yet.

"Pochemu?" I croak, asking him why.

"Est eta." He gets a pouch and rummages in it for what looks like some pills. I shake my head. I don"t think I need anything else.

"Est!" he commands me to take the pill.

"Shto eta?" I ask as he peels off the foil and hands me a glass of water.

"Za galavi i protiv infektsi" His voice is matter of fact, and I don"t protest anymore. I take the pills, and that"s when Vlad comes into the room.

"Sposiba Sasha. Idti." He nods to the man, Sasha, and comes to stand next to my bed.

"You fucked up, malyshka."

I hitch my knees up and rest my back against the headboard of the bed.

"Theo knows… everything." I sigh, realizing this is still the reality I find myself in. I keep hoping it was just a bad dream.

"How did he take it?"

"He kicked me out. Said he never wants to see me again."

"Will he go to the police?"

"I… I didn"t even think about that…" I mutter. "I don"t think so…"

"This isn"t you malyshka," Vlad says, his tone full of disappointment.

"I… I need help, Vlad."

Vlad purses his lips and regards me skeptically.

"Help?"

"I need to detox. I need to show him…" I say, my voice trembling a little. "I can"t give up on him. I won"t."

"Don"t you think the ship"s already sailed?"

"No… no." I shake my head furiously. "I can"t let him go…"

Vlad sighs aloud and gets up.

"If that"s what you want, I"ll help you."

"Yes, it"s what I want."

"Well, then. Gear up for the worst week of your life, B." He leaves me alone, saying I need rest.

What I need is Theo. I want him to hug me to sleep. I want him to tell me it"ll be all right.

I can"t control my tears as they spill once more down my face.

I once thought I had absolutely no feelings.

I still do, but there seems to be an exception.

Theo…