32. Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Two

Cody

“You ready?” Luke takes me in, his eyes wide, an expression of careful anticipation on his face. Of awe, almost. Like I’m something rare and precious. I nod, swallowing down any doubts and concerns. This is Luke. I trust him. Victor’s words flash through my head, ‘ Do you feel courageous? ’ I’m not sure that I do, but I want to be brave. I want to be brave for both Luke and me so that we have a shot, a real shot at this. I crave the intimacy that Luke can give me, but before I can let go completely, I need to know my own boundaries. And Luke’s too. Victor’s right about that.

“I think so,” I murmur, my gaze trailing along Luke’s face, down his neck until it comes to a stop, my eyes lingering on his chest. His skin is golden, flawless, his nipples standing out slightly darker than the rest of him. Hermes hangs from around his neck, the golden chain dangling like a pendulum in front of me. Luke’s chest is heaving; I think he’s as nervous as I am. This weird mixture of excitement and nervousness fills the space between us. A small patch of dark hair rests between his defined pec muscles, but aside from that, his upper body is smooth and hairless until below his belly button, where a trail of dark hair disappears behind the hem of his gym shorts.

‘What are you comfortable with?’ he asked me earlier when I explained Victor’s exercise to him. The point of the exercise is to discover your natural boundaries. To let the other person touch you to find out what feels okay and what doesn’t. It’s about intimacy and building a deeper connection through trusting each other.

‘Uhm… I’m not sure,’ I said, and it’s true. I’m not sure. Although Luke and I sleep next to each other every night in our boxer briefs, our limbs wrapped around each other like we’re two koalas clinging to each other for dear life, I’m not sure. Luke just smiled at me, patient and calm as always. Well, at least he’s calm now. It took some time to convince him I’m okay after the game and the tumble I took. I mean, I hope I am. I did land kind of awkwardly and my knee was throbbing right after the game, but after taking some Tylenol and resting, I think I’m good. I don’t want to worry Luke unnecessarily. Not after he got chewed out by Coach after the game and the two-game suspension he’s facing. I guess I’ll just have to be careful during practice tomorrow before we fly out to Montreal on Wednesday.

‘What about shorts?’ He spoke. ‘We see each other in shorts all the time so there’s something… I don’t know, strangely normal about that, don’t you think? I’ll wear my Atléticos. If Grizou’s with us, we’ll be good.’ I nodded, laughing stupidly, while a sigh of relief left my body. It’s all so strangely normal, Luke taking the lead on most things, although I’ve had more time to adjust to the idea of being asexual. Like the first time we slept next to each other, and we both woke up with our respective morning woods poking into each other. Because that’s what guys do. We wake up ready for a sword fight or a stick fight or whatever. This is it , I thought to myself. This is when he realizes he wants to have sex with me, and he thinks I want it too. But Luke just laughed it off, jumping out of bed, and asking me if I wanted coffee or orange juice with my breakfast.

It still surprises me how in sync Luke and I are. How attuned we are to each other, always seemingly on the same page. It’s so effortless, unlike any relationship I’ve had before. With Leo, I always felt on edge because deep down I knew he wanted more than I could offer him and that it was just a matter of time before he would realize that.

‘Yeah, I’m good with that,’ I choked out while Luke slowly started removing his T-shirt, a timid smile curling along his lips. Then, before we started exploring each other and our boundaries, I told him about Victor’s colors, which are basically just the good old green-yellow-red system.

“You good?” he smiles at me now, his eyes such a deep velvety brown, pulling me in. Sometimes, I’m almost afraid my heart is going to stop beating when I look into his eyes. That their warmth was going to set off some chemical reaction inside of me and boom! My heart explodes.

“Yes,” I whisper, said heart pounding like crazy in my chest. I rub against it, my breath getting caught in my throat.

“What’s your color, baby?” Luke says, placing his hand on top of mine above my heart. “Tell me.”

“It’s green,” I rush out. I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t. What if I’m too messed up for Luke? Too high maintenance? Too—

“You’re not,” Luke smiles at me, an edge of wistfulness in his voice. “Whatever’s going through that head of yours right now, you’re not.” Shit. It’s so scary how well he knows me by now. Like he can see inside me, touching—connecting with—my very essence. “You know that, right?” he adds, tilting his head, his hand squeezing mine.

“Maybe…” I chuckle.

“Jesus,” he shakes his head, his eyes sparkling, a broad smile lighting up his features. Then his expression turns serious, that streak of protectiveness that only ever comes out on the ice turning his eyes a shade darker. “You sure you’re ready for this, baby? Because it’s okay if you’re not. We have all the time in the world.” All the time in the world. Luke’s words echo through my chest and they’re the last encouragement I need. The most important one. Luke’s limitless patience is all I need. All I could ever wish for. I love you so much, Luke, every cell in my body whispers. It’s true. I do. I don’t know when exactly I realized that, but I love him. And my love for him makes me brave.

“I’m green,” I repeat, my voice firm and unwavering.

“Okay,” he smiles as he leans in and presses a tender kiss to the right corner of my mouth. “Can I touch you?” he murmurs against my lips, his lashes tickling my cheeks. I nod.

“Yes. I want you to,” I whisper before I lean in and kiss him back. It’s a chaste kiss, but still, his flavor explodes on my lips. He tastes like Reese’s, Gatorade, and everything that’s good and right in this world. Like promises of a ‘ we ’ instead of just an ‘ I .’

He laughs against my lips before leaning back, a teasing glimmer in his eyes. Biting his bottom lip, his gaze trails along my naked chest, and I shiver with anticipation.

“Lie down,” Luke says. “Relax. And don’t forget to breathe,” he winks. His hand on my chest presses softly and I lie down, a shaky breath leaving my lungs. He looks at me carefully, a lock of hair spilling onto his forehead.

“I’m green,” I blurt lamely and Luke laughs, his voice so carefree and… happy . He’s so happy. I make him happy.

“Good,” he hums, leaning in over me. “That’s good, baby.” He presses a barely there kiss to the side of my neck, his hair teasing my chin. I close my eyes as I count his kisses across my neck toward my ear. One, two, three. Each kiss makes my body vibrate, my stomach a conservatory, thousands of butterflies fluttering their wings excitedly, all at the same time.

“You’re so soft,” he murmurs against my skin. “You’re amazing,” he says, and I shiver again, goosebumps breaking out all over my skin, my entire body humming. “You’re everything, Cody.” His words are like tiny promises against my skin, obliterating everything else. All my doubts and regrets. All my fears. Fuck, even my mom’s voice is blown into smithereens; every kiss, word, and touch from Luke is tearing the old me down, then building me back up again into the version of me I’ve always wanted to be. Strong. Assertive. Loved.

He licks along my collarbone, nibbling teasingly at my skin, and I think I moan, because I feel his laughter against the hollow between my bones.

“That good, huh?” he chuckles, his right hand resting on my chest, his head resting in the palm of his left hand.

“Uh-huh,” I croak, my eyes connecting with his.

“Still green?” he asks, a small frown between his brows.

“So green,” I chuckle, reaching out, brushing my fingers through his hair. “So beautiful,” I whisper. “You’re so beautiful, Luke.” And then a strange confidence overtakes me. “I like you so much, Luke.” The words have barely left my mouth before the most magnificent smile explodes on Luke’s face, his eyes turning golden.

“I like you so much, too, baby,” he says. “So very, very much.” He swallows before leaning in, his mouth catching mine. And I think I fucking whimper into his mouth when his lips part for me. His tongue meets mine tentatively and before I know it, I’m ravishing his mouth, sucking his tongue into mine, my hands buried deep in his hair. Luke’s right hand moves from my chest and trails down my side, along my ribs, down across my obliques until he reaches my waist. Wrapping his strong arm around me, he pulls me against him, our chests flush against each other. His heart is pounding against mine as I continue to explore his mouth, tasting him, claiming him. Because this is a claiming. I don’t think there’s any doubt about it. Luke’s unconditional acceptance of who I am has made me bold. And greedy. I want him. He’s mine now. He belongs to me.

I forget everything. Time. Our surroundings. Everything bleeds into the background. Myself. I forget myself and it’s the best feeling ever. There’s only Luke and this very moment. This kiss. The feel of Luke’s strong arms wrapped safely around me. I feel so safe. And wanted. So unbelievably wanted. And okay. I finally feel that I’m okay. That I’m good enough.

Before I know it, tears spill from my eyes and once a few have broken free, there’s no stopping them. They’re like torrents. Like pent-up rivers leaving my body.

“Baby. Baby,” Luke whispers against my mouth, his hands flying to my cheeks, cradling them. “What’s wrong?” he asks, an edge of worry to his voice. “Did I do something?” He sounds almost devastated. I shake my head furiously, clinging to him, tears and snot smeared across my face.

“You didn’t,” I cry. “You never do anything wrong,” I hiccup. “You do everything just right. You’re just right. For me.” I bury my face against his neck, and I cry in earnest now, a sobbing mess against Luke’s solid form. He’s like this rock, immovable, with his arms once again wrapped around my shaking body. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like this before. With abandon. Not even when I thought my hockey career was in shambles after the injury. Not when my dad and Danny left. I never cry like this.

“You’re good, baby,” Luke coos against my head. “Everything’s good. I’m here,” he says, and I nod against his neck, smearing snot and tears into his flawless skin.

“I know,” I hiccup, my breath coming out in small puffs. “I know you are.” His fingers trail up and down my spine as he soothes me and we lay like this for the longest time, the room growing dark around us, shadows from the streetlights and passing cars dancing across the walls.

“I’m sorry,” I finally say, releasing myself from his body. He looks at me, endless amounts of care and concern in his eyes.

“What do you have to be sorry for?” he says quietly.

“I… I’m sorry for being such a mess,” I look away, swallowing down my disappointment in myself. “I ruined it. I’m sorry…”

“Cody,” his voice is insistent as his hand grabs my chin. “Look at me, baby,” he coaxes. “Look at me.” I blink nervously, my eyelashes still wet from my tears. Then I look up. Luke licks his bottom lip, a tenderness in his eyes. “If you think this is it, you better think again. This is not it. This is nowhere near being it. This is just the beginning,” he smiles, so much emotion in his eyes that I just know that he loves me too. “You think there’s only one shade of green, baby?” he wipes a wayward tear from the tip of my nose.

“I…”

“There’s not,” he shakes his head. “I bet there are more shades of green than we can count. More greens than there are trees in this world. Blades of grass even.” I don’t know what to say. What do you say when you’re met with an endless supply of patience and limitless acceptance? “We’ll figure this out,” he says, his voice spilling over with confidence. “We did so good today. I never saw this as a one-time thing. That we would just do Victor’s exercise and then everything would fall into place. Fuck, you haven’t even done me yet.” He flushes adorably. “I might freak out, too, when you touch me.” He shakes his head, brown locks flying all over the place. “Baby, I’m so fucking ticklish, you have no idea.”

“I think there are degrees of freaking out,” I sniff, wiping at my eyes.

“Yeah, probably,” he laughs, and the trickling sound is so contagious that I can’t hold back my own laughter. “You’re pretty good at freaking out, baby,” he teases.

“I guess all firsts are weird,” I chuckle, and I feel my cheeks heat. “Well, not all firsts,” I add. And Luke blushes too, his eyes shining so brightly.

“No, that was fucking awesome,” he grins. “One for the books,” he puffs his chest out proudly. “We nailed that one, baby. We’ll nail this too at some point.” There’s a finality to his words, images of that night on the rooftop, our first kiss, flashing through my head. It was perfect. Even back then, I knew I was lying when I told Luke that we could only be friends. No way I could ever, in any version of this universe, be just friends with Luke Carrington.

“We will,” I whisper, and I mean it. I believe it. I have faith in us. Us .

“And no more apologies,” he looks at me teasingly. “Or I’m gonna have to subject you to the ultimate weapon.”

“What?” I snort because I’m curious where this is going. You never know with Luke.

“ Love Story ,” he says solemnly. “My mom’s favorite movie.” I blink at him, because this is coming out of nowhere, like an off-course puck. “You have no idea how many times I’ve been subjected to Ali McGraw and Ryan O’Neal wearing douche autumn colors while they freeze their 1970s asses off in some park in Boston or New York. But the movie’s got this one phrase,” he blabbers on, his fingers toying with my hair. “It’s always stuck with me. The truth of it somehow.”

“What?” I ask, entranced by the sudden seriousness on Luke’s face.

“It’s spoken twice, in two very different contexts, but both times always make me and Mom cry like fucking babies. It’s just the saddest fucking movie ever, you know? I mean, Titanic , go eat your heart out.”

“Jeez, will you tell me already?!” I groan impatiently. “What’s the phrase?”

“‘ Love means never having to say you’re sorry ,’” he says quietly. “So no more sorrys , baby,” he blinks at me. “Never apologize for being you. Because being you makes me want you even more, Cody.” Leaning in, Luke kisses my forehead before he reaches for the comforter, pulling it up around first my shoulders, then his own. I can tell he’s smiling from the tone of his voice. “So don’t make me put on that movie or you’ll forever belong to the Ugly Criers Club ,” he slurs, tiredness seeping through his voice. But as he snuggles up against me, one word stands out among the rest, blinking at me like a green light in the darkness. Love. Love. Love.

Did Luke just tell me he loves me?