26. Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Six

Cody

So, as fancy as tagliatelle sounds, it’s pretty much just a broader type of spaghetti that grows a little in your mouth when you chew it. But I don’t tell Luke’s mom that when she asks if I like the food. I tell her it’s delicious. Because it is. It’s the best meal I’ve ever had in my entire life because my body is still humming in the sweet aftermath of kissing Luke. We made out in his teenage room, on his bed, on top of his fluffy gray comforter and he didn’t get hard. I could be eating burned rice with overcooked veggies right now, and it would still taste divine.

Luke throws me occasional glances across the beautifully decorated table, his cheeks blushing a deeper shade of pink whenever I catch him. Which is often because I can’t stop looking at him either. His brown eyes are a golden honey in the flickering light from the candles and his dark-brown locks have an auburn tinge to them. He’s so beautiful, and I can’t believe that he wants me, too. Me . And yet, he does.

“So, are you two like together or what?” Elly asks out of nowhere, gesturing her fork between Luke and me, tomato sauce hanging from the pasta, threatening to land on the pristine white tablecloth. Luke coughs as he reaches for his water, taking a lengthy drink. Clearing his throat, he sends his sister a glare that could make hell freeze over.

“No. Why?” he narrows his eyes at her.

“Because it looks like you’re together,” Elly counters, the duh evident in her tone of voice. She has it down to perfection like most teenage girls, of course, accompanied by a bored, overbearing eye roll. “I mean, the way you look at each other… It kinda says it all,” she shrugs as if she can hardly muster any enthusiasm. Her sister nods like Elly just recited the holy gospel.

“And how exactly do we look at each other?” Luke says, a warning edge to his voice. Their parents are sipping wine, eating their tagliatelle like the scene currently playing out is standard operating procedure at the Carrington residence. I bet it is. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have siblings. The teasing back and forth. The unspoken threat of I’ll get you later for that, you just wait and see . The frail ceasefire that can turn into a full-blown Battle de la Familia at any second. Being around Luke and his sisters reminds me of how it used to be between Danny and me. How we could go from besties to mortal enemies and then back to best friends in a matter of minutes. I wish I still had that, but I also know that dwelling on the past will only bring me heartache, so I swallow it back down with another forkful of pasta.

“Like you wanna eat his face,” Lilly says, demonstratively hiding a yawn like she’s already over this and can hardly wait to get back to an episode of The Kardashians.

“More wine, dear?” Luke’s mom smiles at her husband endearingly, while Elly mumbles, “Or something else.” The entire table looks my way as I try to stop tagliatelle—fuck, I hate that stupid name—from coming out of my nose, probably sounding like an asthmatic rhino doing so. My eyes begin to water as I cough and wheeze for dear life.

“For fuck’s sake!” Luke pushes Lilly’s shoulder. “Can’t you act mature for just a few minutes at a time?”

“Ouch!” she winces, exaggeratedly rubbing at her shoulder. “Mo-om,” she whines. “Luke hit me,” she pouts indignantly.

“Well, Lilly honey, you were being a nosy brat, so you can hardly blame him,” their mom muses, rubbing at a splash of tomato sauce on the white linen tablecloth.

“It’s simple causality, sweetheart,” Mr. Carrington adds, emptying his glass of wine. “Now, let’s leave the boys alone and have some dessert. Your mom made rhubarb trifle, and it is divine,” he sighs.

“Yuck, Dad,” Elly shudders. “Can you please not say Mom and trifle in the same sentence?”

“Yeah,” Lilly adds, shuddering too. “That’s low-key cringe. Like seriously, Dad.”

“What?” Their father mock-gasps. “What’s wrong with a mom trifle?” he licks his lips demonstratively, smacking a loud kiss against his wife’s cheek.

“Will you stop it, you old oaf?” She blushes, clearly under his spell. “What’s going on with everyone tonight?” she smiles at first Luke, then me, her eyes lingering on mine a little longer. “The air is positively filled with pheromones,” she chuckles.

And here I am, one S away from full-on sobbing, surrounded by people who use words like tagliatelle, trifle, casualty, and positively while Mr. Carrington tells us about the newly renovated gaming arcade in town and how we should go there. And Luke smiles his winning smile and agrees that, “Yeah, Cody, we should totally go there tomorrow.” And I just nod stupidly, my stomach filled to the brim with tagliatelle, my heart bursting with joy and my lungs chasing my next breath before I lose it completely.

“Luke? Are you awake?” I’ve been tossing and turning on the fold-out next to Luke’s bed for what seems like hours now. From the occasional telltale rustle of fabric and soft sighs, I don’t think he’s been able to fall asleep either.

“No,” he whispers into the darkness, and I see the outline of his body as he sits up. The white of his T-shirt penetrates the darkness, but I can’t make out his individual features. “Uhm… you wanna sleep up here? With me?” he asks tentatively and I’m scrambling out of my bed before the ‘ with me? ’ has left his mouth. He chuckles at my Spider-Man jump into his bed as I face plant next to him. He lies down next to me, careful to keep some space between us. Although we’re both in boxer briefs and T-shirts, it’s the first time that we’ve been this close to each other wearing this little clothing.

“What were you thinking about?” he whispers, his warm breath ghosting along my chin.

“That I’ve missed being a part of a family,” I blurt. Because it’s true. And although it’s a needy thing to say, my days of pretending are over. At least, when I’m around Luke.

“Yeah, I get that,” he hums, scooting a little closer, reaching for my hand that’s resting on the sheets between us. His skin is hot and a little clammy as he tangles his fingers through mine. “I know it’s not the same and that we can never replace your dad and Danny, but you’re one of us now,” he says, so easily, like it’s not massive to offer to share your family with someone. “No matter what happens, you’re one of us now, Cody.”

“You can’t promise that,” I whisper my fears and insecurities out into the darkness, but unlike so many nights before, where my words have been swallowed up by nothing, Luke now echoes them back to me.

“I can promise you that.” There’s a strange finality to his words, an edge of unlimited patience in his voice. I don’t know what to say. This guy’s generosity knows no end. His kindness knows no end. Luke shifts next to me, scooting a little closer, his scent washing over me. I suck in a breath, a fitting response still escaping me.

“Why can’t you sleep?” I ask instead.

“I was thinking about earlier,” he says quietly. “About our kiss. What it means.” Shit, this guy. He’s so honest. Always letting me know exactly what he’s thinking. I don’t have to guess. He just tells me as easily as that. “What happened to just being friends?” There’s an edge of vulnerability in his voice, and I think he notices, too, because he squeezes my fingers tightly between his. His honesty makes me feel like being bold, too.

“I… I have a lot of stupid rules that I’ve set up for myself,” I start. “I think it started out as a way of navigating my mother’s world after my dad left. Like that word your dad used at dinner. Causality.” Luke nods next to me and I go on. “You know, if I just did things a certain way, then she’d get off my back. Or at least, she wouldn’t nag as much.” It’s true. I have so many rules inside my head and if I break them or if shit happens that is beyond my control, I often end up having a panic attack. “It’s the same with you. With us. I thought I could just fit us into a rule and then I’d be able to put a lid on how I feel about you. But it’s stupid.”

Next to me, Luke remains quiet, like he knows that this has been bottling up inside me for a long time and that I need to get it off my chest.

“Rules that are there to guard your feelings are good enough in theory until they’re not, I guess.” I exhale deeply, bracing myself for the next part. “But I never expected someone like you to come along. Someone who’s just so…” I pause, unsure how to put into words how he’s changed everything.

“So what?” he whispers.

“So sure of himself and his place in the world. You… you shot everything to smithereens, Luke. All my rules. All my fears.” I feel anger building inside and I know it’s time to let it out before it eventually consumes me entirely and turns into bitterness. “I’m tired of always expecting the worst. Of always waiting for catastrophe to strike.” Luke reaches out and brushes his hand through my hair and it’s such a simple yet powerful gesture that I want to cry. “Especially since I’ve got something really good in front of me,” I admit. “I’m not… I’m not gonna let all my doubts and concerns stand in the way of what I want anymore.”

“What do you want?” he murmurs, his hand stilling in my hair. It’s like time stands still, too, just waiting for me to speak the next part. Like the whole world is waiting to hear my truth. My new truth.

“I want you, Luke. I want you so much. I want to kiss you. Hold you. Sleep next to you.” Tears press behind my eyelids as the words spill from my lips.

“I want that too. I’ve wanted that for ages.” As soon as I hear the relief in his voice, I know that I’ve made the right decision.

“You haven’t known me for ages,” I chuckle, tears falling freely down my face now.

“Then why does it feel like I have?” he says, his voice tinged with emotion too.

“I don’t know.”

“You feel it too, right?”

“I do. And I’m so fucking tired of fighting it. It’s exhausting and futile. I think I just… I think I was waiting for some sort of guarantee, you know. That you were ace too.” It feels so good to finally put into words what’s been on repeat in my head ever since I started having feelings for Luke. That I was looking for a forever and ever when I only know all too well that there are no guarantees in life.

“What changed your mind?” He whispers.

“You going to those meetings with me. It changed everything. That you would do that for me. I mean, I know you did it for yourself, too, but still…”

“I knew I had to. It was…” he hesitates, and I sense that he’s weighing his words. “It was so hard being around you without being with you. And it was getting increasingly more frustrating not knowing myself,” he sighs.

“I think I realized that waiting around for a guarantee that you were ace was like standing on a platform just watching one train after another pass me by. Never getting on, even when the one I was waiting for stopped right in front of me. Life was just passing me by while I waited for something that didn’t exist. Sometimes you just gotta be brave and get on that train, you know?”

“A train called Luke?” I hear the smile on his lips, so tuned into him by now that I know exactly what he sounds like when he smiles.

“Yeah, a train called Luke,” I chuckle.

“So, what are you saying?” He tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering on my earlobe, playing with it.

“I guess I’m saying that I really like you and I want to be with you and see where this can go…” I inhale deeply.

“But?” The movement of his fingers stills on my earlobe.

“But you need to be honest with me. I don’t want you to hide; who you are and how you feel. If you realize you’re not—”

“I won’t,” he blurts.

“You don’t know that.”

“Oh, but I do.”

“How? How can you possibly know that?” I shake my head.

“Because I want exactly what you want, Cody. I want to kiss you. Hold you. And sleep next to you. And then obviously I want to go out with you. Hold your hand. Let the world know that you’re mine and that I’m yours.” There’s such unwavering confidence in his voice that I feel the last layer of doubt peel away.

“And that’s it?” I ask, hope seeping through my voice.

“That’s it,” he says, then his voice dips, as he squeezes me tighter against him, murmuring into my hair, “Now tell me about Danny. Tell me your favorite memory of him.”

And I do. I tell him my favorite memory of Danny and when I’m done, I tell him another. It’s like I can’t stop; the words are tumbling from my lips. I whisper all my favorite stories of Danny and me into the darkness and Luke takes them and shares them with me. He shares my happiness and my pain. My anger. My laughter. And when I’m finally overcome with sadness, and my tears spill down my cheeks for the brother that I’ve missed for so long but haven’t shared with anyone for more than a decade, Luke is right there with me, holding me against him, kissing each and every one of my tears away. And it’s like Danny is no longer gone. Like he’s no longer a secret. It’s like he’s right there with me, too, in my heart. And that’s when I promise myself, in a dark, messy teenage room in suburban Pennsylvania, that I will no longer try to forget about Danny and my dad. I will remember them and talk about them even if it hurts. And one day maybe, when I feel brave, I’ll look for them. I’ll look for them.

Because Luke has my back.