19. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

Cody

I think it wasn’t until Luke stood next to me in the hallway, pulling on his parka and navy beanie, that it dawned on me we were actually doing this. So many pivotal moments of my life have been spent alone. Even in a crowd of people, I’ve always been alone because no one knew the real me. And now Luke knows. And he hasn’t turned away from me. He’s like this persistent stray dog that follows you home day after day until you let it in. Except Luke isn’t a stray dog. He’s this magnificent guy who, for some strange reason, sees something in me. Something that he wants to be close to. It doesn’t matter. Yesterday, when we got home from the coffee shop, I made a conscious decision to let him. To let him be my friend. To let him explore his sexuality with me. I’m still scared shitless, but it’s a different kind of fear. It’s the kind that is tinged with hope and optimism.

“Ready?” Luke smiles at me expectantly, his fingers squeezing around mine as we stand outside the entrance to the group meeting. He automatically grabbed my hand as soon as we got out of my truck in front of the community center. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. And he hasn’t let go of it since. I squeeze back, his skin warm against mine.

“Yes,” I murmur, my voice drowning in laughter and conversation coming from the meeting room. I’m surprised at how big the room actually is. Like someone chose this room, bearing in mind that people who enter may be vulnerable. That they may need extra space. A circle of chairs stands in the middle of the room, some already occupied. To the right is a long table with coffee, water, and cookies.

Once we’ve gotten rid of our coats, Luke gestures at the table with coffee, but I shake my head. I already feel like I’m about to puke; the palms of my hands are clammy, and my heart is beating frantically in my chest. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a group meeting, but I know that’s not why I’m nervous. Anxious , even. No, this meeting feels different. Like there’s more at stake this time. I’m comfortable in my sexuality now, no longer searching for answers.

At first, I can’t pinpoint what makes this time different aside from the fact Luke is with me. It’s not until we sit down next to each other in the circle and his gentle, brown eyes connect with mine that I realize what’s different. I want Luke to be like me. I want him to be asexual too. Because as much as I love having him as my friend, I really want to add boy in front of that small word. I really do. Boyfriend . I really want Luke to be my boyfriend.

The humming of voices around us lowers, and all the chairs in the circle are now occupied by people of various ages, colors, and genders. Most appear to be in their late teens or early twenties, though. All eyes are focused on a guy sitting across from me. He looks mid-fifties, with a huge beard adorning his face. His eyes are deep blue, mild, and kind as he looks around the room.

“Welcome, welcome, everyone,” he says, his voice smooth and kind, too. His eyes shine with a welcoming calm. His brown hair and beard have silver flecks in them and when he moves his head, the overhead lamp catches it. A notepad rests in his lap, a pencil on top. He looks like a schoolteacher with his generic tan pants, gray sweater, and sensible leather shoes. Luke and I are both in our sweats and hoodies. We deliberately didn’t wear any clothes with the Lions’ logo on them, but I think a couple of people recognized us anyway, a few curious glances of recognition thrown our way.

“I see some new faces,” he clasps his hands together. “So maybe a round of introductions is in order.” He continues to smile, his expression warm and genuine. “I’ll go first. My name is Victor. I’m fifty-three and I work as a counselor here at the LGBTQ+ center.” He nods to a young woman sitting to his left, her purple hair gathered in a high ponytail and her eyes lined with black eyeliner. She licks her bottom lip, her fingers playing with her ponytail.

“I’m Lola and I’m twenty-three,” she waves around the room, some waving back. “I’m a make-up artist,” she adds, her mouth transforming into a bright smile.

Three other people introduce themselves and then it’s suddenly Luke’s turn. Clearing his throat, he looks around the circle of people. As he speaks, his deep, familiar voice wraps around me like a soft blanket, and like magic, my nerves dissolve inside my chest.

“Hi, I’m Luke and I’m twenty-two. And…” he hesitates, then shrugs, “I play hockey.” A few people nod as if their assumption was correct, but aside from that, the room remains quiet, people just looking at Luke with a friendly expression on their faces.

“Welcome Luke,” Victor speaks before his eyes land on me. My initial response is to disappear inside myself, but then I remind myself that I’ve done this before. There’s nothing scary about it. No one will judge me. I’m in a safe space with people like me who just want to know themselves and share that part of themselves with someone like-minded. Licking my lips, I look around the room, as I speak, “Hi. I’m Cody. I’m twenty-three and…” I pause, my gaze connecting with Lola’s across from me. Luke shifts in his chair, his arm brushing against mine, and confidence blooms in my chest from his sheer proximity alone. “And I’m a hockey player, too.”

“Welcome Cody. Good to have you,” Victor says before we continue with the introductions. Voices blend into the background, and for a few seconds, my mind goes blank.

Then Luke knocks his knee against mine as he leans in and whispers in my ear, “You okay, man?” I nod slowly, the word okay an understatement. I turn my head toward him, my eyes connecting with two concerned pools of brown. I am. Okay. I’m more than okay, actually. I’m hopeful. Like, really fucking hopeful.

In a few days, I’m going home with Luke to spend the All-Star Week at his parents’ house. Luke already has a ton of shit lined up that he wants to show me and from the sound of it, we would need to spend a month in Lancaster if we were to fit it all in. He looked like an adorable Energizer bunny on speed last night when he showed me the handwritten list of things he wanted to show me. My mind is spinning, but in a good way and not in the familiar way it spins out of control when I feel like I’m losing it.

I nod back, a thousand words just at the tip of my tongue. So many things I want to tell this extraordinary guy next to me who, with his mere presence alone, has tipped my entire world on its axis. His openness and acceptance have set me free in a way that I’ve never been before. I hope I can tell him one day. All the things that are currently coursing through my mind. All the sensations rushing through my body. How he’s not only changed my life, but changed me, too. But for now, I just settle on a mouthed thanks.

Luke smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners, his dimple popping, like I’ve just said something else. Something that I know is brewing but not ready to be set free yet. But someday soon maybe. Hopefully. He nods, a knowing look on his face like he can read my mind. In a way, I hope he can. I want him to know what I can’t tell him yet. I want him to know so badly what’s in my heart.

“When Victor talked about the different ways of being ace, a lot of things just… fit ,” Luke says, leaning his head against the back of the couch. “Like… it’s not just one thing, you know. It’s very individual. It felt… I don’t know… reassuring?” He smiles, his eyes tired, his cheeks flushed.

“That’s good. I’m happy for you,” I smile back, instinctively brushing my fingers through a wayward lock of hair, spilling onto his forehead. He leans into my hand as he continues, “I think I’ve never had the right words to express what I am. Who I am. And now I suddenly do. Or at least, I’m starting to.” His expression turns serious, and I notice the earnestness in his voice. “I know this isn’t just a matter of going to a few meetings and then everything will fall into place. I’m not…” he looks at me, his brown gaze honest. “I’m not trying, in any way, to downplay the massiveness of your journey, Cody. I know it hasn’t been easy…”

“I know you’re not,” I murmur. “It’s never felt like you were, Luke.” It’s true. He always makes me feel valid.

“And I’m not trying to be ace for you, Cody. I’m not.” He pauses. “I’m sorry if I ever made it sound that way.” My fingers itch to rub at the worried frown between his brows or to simply just lean in and kiss it away.

“You haven’t,” I rush out. “I’m just… It’s just difficult for me to take that risk. Of even thinking about having a relationship with someone who’s not sure about their sexuality. And you… You’re not sure about anything right now. I’ve been on this journey for years. I know who I am and that won’t ever change. I’m not sure you understand what it truly means to be with someone who’s asexual. I won’t ever want sex in any way, shape, or form.”

“I know,” Luke hums, grabbing my left hand that’s resting in my lap, tangling our fingers together. His palms are as clammy as mine, the warmth of his skin soothing. “But I won’t ever walk away,” he rasps, his fingers squeezing mine. “Because that’s what you’re afraid of, right? That I’ll walk away? Like them ? Like him .” Luke tilts his head, his eyes not leaving mine.

“Yeah… maybe,” I admit. That is probably my worst fear. That people will eventually leave.

“But I’m not him,” Luke breathes, his voice so soft, filled with such tenderness that tears nearly spring to my eyes.

“I know you’re not,” I croak. And then, because things have already gone beyond what I ever should’ve allowed with this extraordinary person, I tell him. I tell him what I know to be true. What I’ve known to be true for a while now. “But… But you have the potential to be everything, and that’s the problem.”

Surprise washes over Luke’s face, his eyes growing darker. His voice is gentle when he speaks. Wary.

“I do?” There’s a world of longing in his voice that I recognize in myself. It’s the type of longing that never goes away. It’s part of our DNA even from before we draw our first breath. We need . We want . We crave .

“Luke…” I sigh, shaking my head because his vulnerability at that moment is just too damn endearing. For a few seconds we just sit there, on the couch, staring at each other, while the inhale and exhale of our breaths echo each other, until a playful smile eventually transforms his face.

“I’m good with that.” He beams as he leans in closer, a challenging glimmer in his brilliant brown eyes. “Being everything.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. And I just love him for it. For breaking the heaviness of the moment with his trademark cockiness. “Because I’m not gonna give up. Just so you know. You will be mine , all fucking mine, Cody Mitchell,” he near cackles, pushing his chest out. And I just lose it, my laughter intermingling with his, because he looks ridiculous and adorable and just like… everything .

“Luke, that’s not—” I protest, shaking my head, tears of laughter stinging in my eyes.

“Mine,” Luke repeats against my ear, his warm breath hitting my skin, the sensation sending all sorts of images of a shared future with him rushing through my head.

“Jesus…” I mumble as he shoots me his wicked million-dollar smile, my head spinning. Not with confusion, but with joy, I realize. Because I want to be his. Just as much as I want him to be mine, too.

And maybe, just maybe, it isn’t such an impossible dream.