Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

The last few days on the site were about tests, more tests, and in between there was kissing and frotting and some talking. Not a lot of talking from him; it was mostly Tyler. Martin loved how enthusiastic he was about things, and when he told his stories, his words had a lyrical quality. Some of what he said was technical, some of it about mining history. On two occasions, they even talked for the longest time about the kind of movies they liked.

When it came to the final day, and there was packing up to be done, Tyler vanished. At first, Martin put it down to Tyler avoiding the heavy lifting, but they were taking back less than half of what they’d come with. After half an hour, Martin went looking and found him standing by the creek where it tumbled out of the rocks in the mountain.

“Looking for gold still?” he queried, and Tyler turned to face him, a smile on his face.

“No, just thinking about things.”

Tyler didn’t owe him an explanation about his thoughts, but Martin asked anyway, “What kind of things?”

“Are you staying at Crooked Tree after all of this? Did what we have here change how you feel?”

“About Crooked Tree? No. There’s no place for me here; I need to move on.”

“Where will you go?”

It was on the tip of Martin’s tongue to say south, but that wasn’t true anymore, so he offered the only thing he could, “I don’t know.”

“I have an apartment, in Billings. It’s home for when I’m there. You could come and live with me.”

He sounded as if he’d given this thought and seemed hopeful that Martin would say yes. Staying in a city? Living with someone? How could he do that when so many unspoken things stood between them? Tyler didn’t know about his dad, not the real story.

“That wouldn’t work,” Martin said, forcing his hands into his jean pockets, the fingers of his right hand closing around the rainbow crystal.

“It could if you gave it a try. Then you could find a job in the city, and we could see how this thing between us goes.”

“There is no ‘thing,’ Tyler. This was a short time of fun, and I loved it, and you saw more of me than any man ever has done, but when we get back, it has to be finished.”

Tyler shook his head. “I won’t accept that.”

Martin desperately wanted to back down, to say that everything could continue, that he would move in and that one day they’d share that they loved each other and live happily ever after. But it wasn’t true.

“What you accept is your choice, but after we get back, I have one more thing to do and then I’m leaving.”

“Can I say anything to make you change your mind?” Tyler sounded lost. “What if I told you I think I could fall in love with you, that maybe I’m already halfway there?”

Hope flared in his chest, but he ruthlessly pushed it down. “You don’t know me, so you can’t feel those things.”

“I know enough. I know that when we kiss it’s perfect and when we make love it’s the best feeling I’ve ever felt.”

Martin needed to get him to stop, by any means possible. “We didn’t make love. We fucked, we had sex, we were in an isolated camp, and it was convenient.” The words came out harsher than he’d expected them to, and he waited for Tyler to punch him.

Tyler let out a hollow laugh. “Fuck you, Martin.”

“Look, let’s get the Jeep packed. We want to be back at the ranch before dark.” Martin began to head down the hill and ignored Tyler calling his name. What he couldn’t ignore was Tyler grabbing his arm and pulling him to a stop.

“I won’t let you leave just like that. We can talk. We can fix all the things that are making you run scared. Martin, please listen to me?—”

“Banana. Okay? Stop,” Martin said and yanked his arm free.

Tyler didn’t tug him back again or talk further. In fact, the journey back to Crooked Tree was mostly done in silence. Tyler drove, Martin kept an eye on the navigation, and just as dusk painted the sky with mauves and reds, they pulled up outside cabin six, and Tyler killed the engine.

“Help me get everything inside?” he asked, and Martin nodded.

Together they emptied the contents of the Jeep into a spare room in the cabin, and as Tyler finished his short call to Jay to tell him they were back safely, Martin left. What was the point in stretching this out? He had to pull the Band-Aid off in one go, and that way no one would get hurt.

“Martin, wait.”

Against his better judgment, Martin turned to look at him. “What?”

“One night. Okay? Let’s just finish this right, take a bath, showers, give ourselves some memories?”

“That’s not a wise idea.”

“It is. It’s everything I want right now, and then afterward, you can go, and I won’t stop you. I won’t go after you. I won’t tell you how I’m starting to feel. I’ll accept you’ll go.”

Anger poked at him, and he stalked back toward Tyler. “Why won’t you leave this alone?” He was torn between wanting to touch Tyler and knowing he should run as if the hounds of hell were nipping at his heels.

In the end, it was no choice at all because Tyler unbuttoned his shirt, yanked off his T-shirt, and unbuckled his jeans, leaving a trail of clothes from the front door. Martin heard the shower, and the temptation to kiss Tyler just a few more times, to give himself some extra memories gave him pause. What if they had just one more night? Would it even matter? It was just one more fuck, and then Martin could move on. He shut the front door behind him and headed for the bathroom and the sound of running water.

He hesitated by the shower, even though Tyler opened the wide door and was already soaping his gorgeous body. Martin wanted to be in there, and he’d already committed himself just by coming inside the cabin, let alone taking his clothes off by the shower.

Was it too much to ask for just one last evening of perfect? Tyler wasn’t forcing him to stay. He’d explicitly said this was goodbye, so what would it hurt to step inside?

“Are you coming in?” Tyler asked, smoothing his hands over his chest, a trail of soap bubbles catching on his hips, then sliding down over his erection and his thighs, joining the water swirling around the drain. Martin watched every single bubble disappear, then looked up and met Tyler’s heated gaze.

“I want to,” Martin admitted.

“Once more,” Tyler encouraged, and the simple words meant everything to Martin. There was a time limit on what they had, and it fit with his expectations; he felt calm. He stepped in, and Tyler encouraged him under the water, soaping him from head to toe, going to his knees and paying special attention to Martin’s cock. He was close right there in the shower, but it appeared that Tyler had different ideas. He toweled them off, then took Martin’s hand, tugging him to the bedroom and holding up condoms.

“Will you… can we… make love to me?”

Martin linked the words together, but it was only when Tyler went to all fours on the bed, that everything made perfect sense. But he didn’t want that position; he wanted to see Tyler’s face.

“On your back, please,” he pleaded.

Tyler turned immediately, his cock hard, and a knowing expression on his face. “Come on then,” he goaded, and Martin wasn’t going to be told twice.

Everything was slow, and hot. Buried deep in Tyler, kissing him, watching his face as he was coming, it was all too much, with Martin’s orgasm slamming into him.

“I want you to think about coming with me to Billings,” Tyler said, his voice muffled from where his face was buried in Martin’s neck. Martin had cleaned up, disposed of the condom, and spent an extra two minutes staring at himself in the bathroom mirror wondering how he’d gotten so lucky.

“It would kill me to have to live in a city,” Martin said. “I need the sky. I want isolation.”

“Like Crooked Tree can be for you.”

“I guess.” He hadn’t thought the place he was describing could be Crooked Tree. There wasn’t a chance he’d be able to stay there, and nor did he want to. He was leaving tomorrow before his presence messed up things for Justin and Adam.

Just the thought of the two men had him shutting his eyes tight and rolling onto his side, burying his face in the pillow, facing away from Tyler. All Tyler did in response was spoon him from behind, his strong grip holding Martin still.

“I know I said tonight was the final time, but we have something, Martin. I could buy somewhere else, a place in the middle of nowhere that you can come home to when it gets too much. I have a trust fund. I know I don’t look like I do, but my dad wrote books. Look, what I’m saying is that money isn’t an issue.”

Martin stiffened in Tyler’s hold and attempted to squirm away, finally breaking free and sitting up on the side of the bed.

“Why won’t you take no for an answer?” he asked and heard Tyler sigh.

“Because I’ve never met anyone like you, because we could be good together, because I could make you happy if you let me.”

“You don’t know me.”

“I know about Xander. I know you have nightmares. I know something is eating away at you, scaring you, and making you wary. But I also know that you have the most beautiful smile, and that you laugh with your whole body, and that you put yourself in the way to stop me from getting hurt when I fell. You’re a good man, Martin, and you need to let me be able to tell you that.”

Years of insecurity and guilt washed over him. “No, I’m not.”

“Not what?”

“A good man.” He suddenly felt miserable, alone, and overwhelmed.

“I couldn’t fall in love with anyone who wasn’t a good man, Martin.”

Martin rounded on him. “I helped to lock away two boys. I watched my dad and Xander pour chemicals on them. I watched when they left the boys to die. My dad and his friends were the very worst kind of human, and I have that same blood in me. So no, I’m not a good man, and you don’t know me at all.”

“Martin?” Tyler attempted to reach him, but Martin twisted out of the way and dressed as quickly as he could. All the time, Tyler followed him, trying to touch him. He wouldn’t leave Martin alone, and his expression was a mix of horror and sadness. “Talk to me, Martin. Explain what you mean.”

“I was part of it,” he spat, “and I thought I didn’t have a choice, but at any moment I could have told someone what I knew. Anyone. And I didn’t.” He opened the front door, Tyler hovering behind him but not touching him now. “Try Googling David Crane and see you don’t know his son at all.”

He left then, stalked up to the cabin where his stuff was, and in a few minutes he was packed and heading off Crooked Tree. He made it as far as the bridge and stopped for a moment, looking at the sky and recalling the day he’d arrived. All he’d wanted to do was see Justin, tell him that he wasn’t brave but that somehow he’d found peace of sorts, and everything had gone to shit. He owed it to Justin to explain what he was doing. Somehow he knew that, and he headed up to Branches and the door on the side that led up to Justin’s place.

He knocked, and the door opened after a few moments, Justin crossing his arms over his chest and staring out at Martin.

Sucking up every ounce of bravery, he copied Justin’s stance.

“I asked why you let me live, but you won’t tell me, and I’m fucking done with it all.”

He turned to leave and got almost six paces away when Justin called after him.

“You’re a coward, Jamie Crane.”

Martin winced at the use of his name, still not able to hear anyone call him that, and he stopped walking.

“Hell yes, I’m a coward,” he agreed, then turned to face Justin, who’d stepped out of his door and was only a couple of feet behind him. “You don’t need to tell me that.”

“But, you’re also the bravest person I have ever met.”

Martin dumped his bag to the ground and moved right up into Justin’s face. “Fuck you for saying that shit,” he shouted.

“You left the doors open,” Justin repeated what he’d said that first night.

“So the fuck what? I left two doors open, so yeah, I’m a freaking superhero.”

“We saw what he did to you. We saw him beat you and demean you. We saw how scared you were. You were a terrified child the same as we were.”

Martin shoved him so hard that Justin stumbled back, but he found his balance and stood his ground, holding out a hand to grab Martin’s jacket. Martin panicked, ripped himself away, and ended up on his ass in the mud. Hell, he couldn’t even do leaving right.

“You faced me. Do you know how brave that is, Jamie? You came right up to me, and you were vulnerable, and yet you faced me. But if you leave now, you will never face up to Adam.”

“He doesn’t need to see me.”

“Yeah, he does. He’s home on Friday, three more days. You stay, see Adam, and then maybe you’ll get over this shit about you being like your dad.”

The punch was instinctive. He clenched his fist and punched Justin in the face, square on the mouth, the temper in him so high.

“I’m just like him!”

Justin gripped his hands, stopped him from moving, and the panic was a flutter of pain in his chest. “I’ll let you have that one. But right now, I have a question for you: the devices that the group was going to plant in the Cowboys stadium, how many of them did you help build?”

“What?” He tried to shake free, but Justin wasn’t letting him go.

“How many devices meant to kill hundreds did you help to build?”

“None of them. I didn’t know…” He yanked again.

Justin tightened his hold, so much that it began to hurt. “What did you do? Did you research the best place to cause the most deaths? Did you source materials? Did you make deals with drug dealers to finance the terror?”

“No.” This time he managed to get free. “I didn’t even know… I was in my own fucking world, grieving Levi, and I should have known.” He rubbed at his wrists, and tears choked his voice.

“How could you have known?” Justin’s voice was even, and Martin watched the blood oozing from his cut lip. He’d done that, hurt another person and made them bleed.

“I was there, for fuck’s sake.”

“Why don’t you like enclosed spaces?”

That question was so left field that Martin didn’t know how to answer.

“I don’t know,” he said, frantically pushing down his fear.

“Yes, you do,” Justin murmured. “Tell me why you don’t like being stuck somewhere with no way out.”

“I don’t fucking know!” Martin shouted. He didn’t care who heard him, but Justin pulled him into his place and shut the door. Then he crowded Martin up against it, overwhelming him, his face so close that Martin couldn’t breathe. Martin shoved, but Justin didn’t move, and suddenly Martin cracked, pushing hard, anything to get out of the space.

“Tell me,” Justin insisted.

“They locked me away!” Martin cried, tears rolling down his face, “Dad had this shack. It was dark, no windows, and they locked me in there, Xander was the only one who visited.” The tears were violent now, pulled from deep inside him, and he shook, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor, drawing up his knees and burying his face in his hands. He couldn’t breathe, but at least Justin moved away from him.

“You didn’t have anything to do with what happened to Adam and me, not really. You took a beating to keep Adam safe. You pulled Xander off him, I know. I remember it all. Then when you could have been caught, you deliberately left the doors unlocked, and you looked at me. Do you remember that?”

“No, there’s nothing. That last day, I don’t remember much at all.”

“You told me to get Adam and run. You were terrified, lost, but you still helped us. You still told us to run .”

Shards of that day spun in his head, but he’d been petrified, and he couldn’t recall everything in detail, only that he had to get away.

“I lost everything.” He’d lost his mom, his childhood, his innocence. “But what kind of man was I that I let these things happen?”

Justin let out a humorless chuckle. “You were fourteen. You weren’t a man, Jamie, any more than Adam and I were. It’s what you make of things now. That is what makes you a man. I know you tried to stop the fire at the café, that you went in there with an extinguisher, and you tried to save the place.”

“I couldn’t save it, the fire was too far gone.”

“Adam is back Friday. Stay that long, yeah? Just see him, and you might have one less weight you are determined to carry around with you. Then maybe I’ll answer your question.”

Sam appeared at the top of the stairs and came down to sit next to Justin.

“Hey,” he said.

That was so out of character for Sam, that Martin did a double take.

Sam tapped the wall. “Sorry, thin walls. I heard everything.”

Martin closed his eyes briefly. The shame of being heard losing his shit was fire in his veins, his skin hot with it.

Sam hadn’t finished though. “I wanted to say thank you, for helping Justin and Adam, for everything you did in that moment that means I get to be in love with Justin now.” He curled his hand into Justin’s and held tight. “That’s destiny, right there.”

Was Justin right about all of this? Could Martin actually be a good man?

Can I be loved?

“Until Adam,” he murmured and then used the wall to stand up, shaky and light-headed. He scrubbed at his eyes, and when he opened them, Justin was holding out a hand to shake. He acted on instinct and shook his hand and then Sam’s.

“You have a sister,” Justin said as Martin turned to leave.

He paused with his hand on the door. “I don’t, not really. Her stepdad was adamant she didn’t need me, said I wasn’t fit to know her. He’s right.”

Justin didn’t reply, but let out a heartfelt sigh.

“I have something for you.” Martin pulled out the bag of tiny gems and passed them to Justin. “We found these in the gravel by the creek. Tyler says there are more, and I don’t think they are worth anything, but they’re pretty.”

Justin took the bag and shook the gems. Thank. “Thank you.”

When Martin stepped out in the colder May night, with the scent of snow in the air, he pulled his jacket close and headed back to the bridge, standing there for a long time, soaking in the peace of the ranch and the stars in the vast blackness.

He couldn’t help wondering what Tyler thought of him now. Had he Googled Martin’s dad, had he read the limited news articles that talked of unacted-upon plans? None of them went into detail, but the label—domestic terrorist—would be enough for Tyler to draw a picture in his head. Radicalism, hate, terror, and all of that in Martin’s blood.

Half of it. The other half of him was his mom, but she’d left him.

Could he be a better man? Could he be more than the sum of the parts that created him?

He stopped at the bridge again, standing in the shadows and listening to the water crashing against the boulders below, wondering if any of them were drop stones and circling back to thinking about Tyler. He’d dumped all of his self-hatred on Tyler, told him to look up his dad, told him the very worst of the things he took the blame for, and Tyler hadn’t done anything to deserve that. He reached the end of the bridge.

If he turned left, he would be taking the long, winding track to the main road, where, if he was lucky, he could find a passing car. He had money owed to him from the work he’d done with Tyler, but that would mean staying here, and he didn’t want the money. He didn’t want anything more to do with Tyler.

Liar.

If he turned right, and he’d be heading back down to his cabin, and past what was Tyler’s place. Turn right and he would be committing to staying until Friday when he could do what he came to do: speak to Adam and lay some ghosts to rest. Maybe get an answer from Justin.

He headed for his cabin, but as he drew closer, when he should be taking a side path, he stayed on the main one and walked until he was really close to Tyler’s. There were lights on, more than when he’d left, and he stopped where he was, staring at the cabin from a distance. There was movement by the front door, and then it was flung open, and Tyler, bundled up, stalked out and began to walk in his direction. He came to an abrupt stop when he spotted Martin, and there were at least six feet between them.

“I thought you’d left,” he said and held up his keys. “I was coming to find you. I mean, I don’t know where you’d gone, but I figured you couldn’t have had much of a head start, and I could catch up and bring you back.” He stopped talking all by himself and stepped closer, his expression uncertain. “I didn’t Google your dad.”

“Why? You should. Then you could see what?—”

“I’m not interested in who your dad was, I’m interested in you . I don’t believe what you told me. I mean, I believe you were there. I understand you saw this, but I am your friend, and I know that you?—”

“You don’t know anything,” Martin began, but he wasn’t angry or disbelieving. He was just sad. “But I can tell you if you want?”

He’d left himself wide open, finally, after all this time, allowing himself to be vulnerable, and the ball was in Tyler’s court. Tyler cradled his face and kissed him gently.

“Let’s go inside.”