Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

Justin was seriously screwed. Hearing Sam talk like that to Jay, saying he had a man in the wings who would take the edge off with random sex, had his temper rising, jealousy spiking sickly in his chest, and a need to touch Sam that was almost overwhelming..

Who the hell was he to think he had any claim on Sam?

He'd deliberately avoided contact with Sam apart from that "I'm sorry" kiss.

What have I done?

What he'd nearly done was to drag Sam over the counter just to have another taste of him, and acted like the Neanderthal bad guy that he was.

He stalked up the hill toward the stables and slid around one side of the barn. There was no way he wanted to talk to anyone at the moment; no way did he want anyone up here to see him when his temper was so high. Temper and lust and need and fuck , his head couldn't handle it all.

His emotions were shot to hell. That iciness he'd used to survive and focus in his job was melting away, leaving nothing but a confusing mess of crap in his head.

I want Sam. I could have Sam if I wanted. I could kiss him and love him.

I don't want Sam, and Sam won't want me.

Sam should be in my bed, in my arms, where I could look after him.

He doesn't need looking after.

Anyway, Sam deserves better than a black ops murderer with a damaged heart.

See, that was it. One minute he was on top of the world—a new life, clear focus, a deal with Rob in place to keep him safe, to keep his family safe. But the next he was manhandling the one man he wanted to be gentle with and focusing in on the things that chased his nightmares.

He slipped into Easy's stall.

Even though he'd been back five days, he still hadn't ridden his old horse. Adam said he should, but something held him back. Instead he would come up here, bury his face in Easy's mane, and think about what kind of man he wanted to be. Easy snorted and snuffled Justin's hair, and the acid of indecision and self-loathing eased inside him.

"Hey," Adam said from outside the stall.

Justin didn't want to turn and face him. Being back here and seeing Adam from a distance was hard enough, but actually talking to him wasn't on his to-do list.

He'd almost stayed away from Crooked Tree altogether. He could have a complete new identity. With more money than he needed stashed away in banks, he could be anywhere in this world. But, what Jamie had said about his relief that he didn't have to be scared anymore, spoke to Justin in ways he couldn't understand. Justin wanted peace, and there was only one place that called to him.

Stiffening his resolve, he lifted his head from Easy's mane keeping his fingers tangled in the length of it. "Hi, Adam," he said.

Adam leaned against the stable door. He seemed at a loss for words, and it wasn't like Justin was full of things to say either.

"I'm clear until lunchtime," Adam said after a silence. "Saddle Easy up. I'll get Diablo, and we'll go for a ride."

Seemed to Justin that wasn't a request, more a statement of fact. He said nothing, just watched Adam and saw the moment confusion hit him.

"Shit, you remember how to saddle a horse, right?" Adam asked. "That was one of the only things I remembered, like muscle memory or something."

Justin gripped the mane harder and Easy chuffed at him in protest. He eased his hold and stroked instead. "I don't think I'd ever forget."

Adam appeared happy with the answer and left to get Diablo while Justin saddled Easy, that muscle memory Adam had mentioned kicking in. Justin hadn't ridden a horse since he left Crooked Tree, had denied himself the pleasure of riding because to get close to a horse was too much grief and raw hurt for him to handle.

But then he was waiting outside, murmuring soft words against the velvet of Easy's nose, before mounting.

The world was different up there, the ground a long way down. Justin's head got around finding his seat and slowly discovering what he remembered and what he didn't. Easy didn't move a muscle meanwhile, content to wait for Adam, who eased a skittish Diablo out of the barns.

"This is Jay's horse. Nate gave it to him, but Jay isn't one for riding."

"How does that work given Nate is so obsessed?" Justin asked. I can do polite conversation.

"Opposites attract," Adam said with a grin. "Ready?"

Justin nodded, and with a subtle press of his heels, left the stables and turned right up the hill.

Adam led the way, and from there on, even though Adam was a man now, Justin recalled seeing him riding as a teenager, and grief swamped him to the point he couldn't breathe.

Easy just carried him on, following Diablo and giving Justin the chance to calm his panic and the press of misery that seemed to follow him around every day. He couldn't understand what was going on inside his head.

He didn't do desolation. He did focus and purpose , but somehow at Crooked Tree, he was losing his way.

Diablo stopped and Easy pulled up alongside.

"Ember Bluff?" Adam asked.

Justin nodded, and they made their way down the banks to the Blackfoot River and through the shallows of the wide part. Over to the softer land beyond and finally they broke into a canter up through fields of emerald green, until the ranch buildings disappeared behind them. Justin's ass was going to ache later, but the sheer joy of riding was a hint of what his life could be like if he let it.

Adam stretched his lead while Justin urged Easy forward, and the joy began to grow until he was grinning as they sped across the field. He felt safe, like he was in control, and when he reined in Easy next to Diablo at the top of Ember Bluff, he couldn't help himself. He dismounted and hugged Easy's head and thanked the horse for everything with that single action.

"Want to walk?" Adam asked, and when Justin pulled away from Easy, gestured behind them.

"Sure." What could it hurt?

They tied off the horses and made their way through the bramble bushes and trees to the lookout point.

Memory sparked inside Justin; he pushed aside foliage to find the marker for the Todd parents, lost a long time ago now, but forever part of Crooked Tree.

A bit like him, really.

Adam sat on the long grass, his legs dangling over the stony edge of the lookout, and Justin couldn't really avoid doing the same.

He sat down and stared at the vista before him. The river sparkling as it tumbled and turned over boulders and across gravel, the green of the fields, and the blue of the mountains. And right in the middle, Crooked Tree. "I missed this," Justin murmured. "Always."

"I'm remembering all kinds of things now," Adam said. "Like sitting here with you and Gabe when we were small, really small. Eight, maybe? We got in so much trouble, but I don't remember why."

Justin nodded. "We weren't allowed this far from the main buildings." He also recalled that Adam's dad used a belt on him for daring to break one of his million rules by going too far from the ranch. Justin hoped Adam would never recall that part of the day. "That was on me, I said that there were—" He paused and thought back. "—rare frogs, I think, or something. And you liked frogs."

"Clearly I was easy," Adam chuckled.

Justin let out a noncommittal sound that could have meant anything from agreement to denial. For a few minutes, they sat in silence. Not companionable silence, because Justin was waiting for the inevitable.

"So, we need to talk," Adam said.

And there it was. His chest tightened and held his breath hostage and he said nothing, could say nothing. Maybe it was Adam's show; perhaps Justin should just force himself to sit and listen.

"I get why you wanted to kill those people," Adam said, completely flooring Justin.

" What ?"

"I mean, if someone hurt Ethan, I could have it in me to shoot them."

Justin laughed. "Yeah, right," he said without thinking.

Adam rounded on him so fast that Justin backed away. "You think I'm not capable of feeling a love so deep that I would want revenge?"

"No, shit…." Justin held up a hand. "Fuck, of course you could." He wasn't sure what he was defending here.

Adam deflated immediately. "Well, whatever. I just wanted you to know. I don't get what happened or how you ended up doing what you did, but I don't blame you."

Justin shook his head. "You should. And I don't mean for getting revenge, you should blame me for getting you hurt."

Adam glanced sideways at him, and he looked serious and focused. "Tell me what happened."

"No." Justin was horrified at the thought.

"We found something, and someone kept us prisoner," Adam began. "For how long?"

"Adam, please."

"How long, Justin?"

The sky seemed darker, the fields less green, and Justin's whole world shrank to one point in time. He ached with fear and loathing. "I don't know."

"One day? Two? Five?"

"Three, okay? Three days, two nights."

"And they hurt us?"

Justin scrambled to stand; he wasn't ready to face the past with Adam like this. Adam stopped him with a strong hand yanking at denim and Justin tumbled back toward him, ending right back where he started.

"Don't. You. Leave," Adam snapped.

Justin realized something had changed in Adam. He wasn't asking questions, wasn't going to be put off easily. He was angry and needy and demanding answers that Justin didn't know how to give.

"Did they hurt us, Justin?"

"Adam, I don't want to talk about this."

Adam shook him a little, his expression tight. "Fuck you, Justin, tell me what I want to know."

"You should remember yourself," Justin warned. Then it hit him, how would Adam handle the memories of what had happened? He'd been unconscious a lot of the time, but he would have seen what happened to Justin; he would know.

Abruptly, Justin wanted to run, and he started to peel Adam's grip from his shirt.

"Tell me," Adam shouted, right in his face.

"What do you want me to say?" Justin shouted back.

"Tell me what they did!" Adam wasn't backing down, but Justin shook his head mutely. Adam released the grip on his shirt and then spoke a single word that broke Justin to pieces. "Please."

"They were high a lot of the time," Justin began, and then stopped. "Except for Jamie. He was just a kid. His dad was a bastard."

"Was he one of the ones you killed?"

"His dad, yes."

"And Jamie, the son?"

"I meant to," Justin admitted. He scrubbed at his eyes, partly to stop tears that threatened to fall. He didn't have control over the emotions inside him. He attempted to talk calmly. "When I left here, he was the last one I had to track down. I found him, but I didn't kill him." He couldn't believe he was talking so flatly about what he'd done, as if this was everyday. He waited for Adam to look at him with disgust, or hate, or disappointment, but Adam didn't look at him any differently.

"You let him live," he said.

Justin hung his head. "He was a victim as much as we were. He's made something of his life, and he thanked me." Justin let out a harsh noise, less a laugh and more an explosion of pent-up aggression. "For killing his dad. Who does that?"

Adam rested a hand on Justin's knee.

"Abused kids," Adam said. "So they were high. Why did they keep us, then?"

"I don't even know that, to this day, but they got off on hurting us. They were fucked-up."

"Did they ever hurt us physically?"

Justin closed his eyes. "Jesus, Adam."

"It's a reasonable question, J."

"Fuck, yes. Not you. They'd hit you pretty hard and you had a concussion and you were out of it a lot, but me, okay. Yes." He wanted to reassure Adam that no one had touched him, even though he was lying. Only once had one of their captors decided even an unconscious boy was fair game, but Justin wasn't going to tell Adam that.

This was one secret he would take to his grave, whatever happened.

"I'm sorry for what you went through," Adam murmured.

Justin nodded once in recognition of the sentiment. He didn't know what else to say. He hoped that was it, but Adam kept going.

"And they burned us, both of us. Tried to kill us?"

"Yes."

"But we got out alive. Can you tell me how we did that?"

Justin remembered every second of it, and he pushed the memories back inside where they couldn't hurt anyone. "Adam, please, don't make me talk about this."

Adam ignored the plea, his expression thoughtful. "Sometimes I remember things, images. One I had in a dream, where you were pushing me. I saw the fire." He looked into Justin's eyes steadily. "That was real, wasn't it? You put yourself in harm's way. Why?"

Justin couldn't believe Adam even had to ask. "Because I was looking out for you. They'd hit your head, and you weren't in a good way. They left the site, left us locked in this bunker with a timer and chemicals and fire. We got out. I pushed you out first."

Adam nodded as Justin spoke, and then he frowned. "So, how did we get out?"

Fuck, Adam was insistent. "Jamie was told to lock the door, but he didn't. I don't know how we had time otherwise. All I know is we were out and the explosion caught me more. Then I woke up months later, and you were dead, and I accepted it was my fault."

For a moment again, Adam was quiet. "That's a heavy burden to carry. Thank you."

"What for?" Justin picked up a stone, wound up, and threw it as far as he could, watching it arc high and then fall to the meadows below.

"For looking after me, for coming back, for everything I don't know you've done. I think we're going to be good friends."

Justin glanced at him. "We never stopped being friends. You just forgot me and I thought you were dead."

Adam snorted a laugh and bumped shoulders with him. "I bet it happens to friends all the time."

Then they sat in more silence, Justin throwing stones and Adam resting his chin on his bent knees. The quiet was flawless and utterly peaceful, and somewhere inside Justin, the knot of tension began to unravel.

They made their way back down to the ranch, stabled the horses, and Justin got lost in the mindless, calming repetitiveness of brushing Easy.

"Missed you," he murmured against the horse's mane.

"First sign of madness, talking to your horse," Adam said.

"Will you quit stalking me?" Justin said, but without heat. In fact, to his ears it sounded like he was teasing, and Adam smiling at him meant he'd somehow made it sound natural.

"Ethan's away working. Do you want to come for dinner tonight? Sam's bringing up food and we're having beers, maybe watch something. I asked Gabe, but he has wedding stuff, whatever that means."

Justin hesitated. The idea of spending time with Adam was scary but necessary until they got past the awkward shit that lay between them. But being in the company of Sam, the sexy chef with his blue eyes that promised sin and his tight body, and maybe even having him touching Justin's hair? He couldn't do that to himself. Couldn't put himself through the torture of sitting with Sam and not kissing him or touching him back.

And Sam would run at the first touch if he knew the real me. Who wouldn't? And how could Justin pretend to be something he wasn't? How could he keep secrets from the man he was attracted to? Was there any point in even starting this at all?

Which meant he was probably the most shocked when he said, "What time?"

Justin began to regret his decision when he met Sam on the steps to Adam and Ethan's place, the old Allens house.

"Adam invited me," Justin said before Sam could say a word.

"I know," was all the response Sam gave.

Justin gestured at the containers in Sam's hand. "Can I help with something?"

"No, I have it balanced. Thank you, though." The door opened and Justin gestured for Sam, the one weighed down with food, to go first.

The polite, sterile conversation continued for some time, and Adam looked more and more confused as the evening went on. Justin tried, but his conversation skills had long since left the room.

"Everything set for the wedding?" Adam asked as he pushed away his empty plate that had previously held a huge helping of lasagna.

"Mostly," Sam answered.

Adam sighed, picked up a piece of garlic bread and bit into it, chewing resolutely and making a soft hum of a sound to indicate its excellence. With quiet determination he placed the other half on his plate, steepled his hands, and tapped his index fingers together. "Okay, guys, what gives?"

Justin swallowed and waited for Sam to take the question. Justin knew what was wrong with himself: he was itchy in his own skin, as though any minute now Adam was going to call him on his crap and kick him out. Then Sam would be disgusted with him and hate him, and there was nothing Justin could do about any of those things.

Adam pressed on. "Is it something to do with me? Did I forget something important?"

Sam sighed. "Nothing." He poked at his nearly full plate.

Justin wondered if he wanted the food, because it was awesome and Justin could quite happily finish it for him. Just to help him out.

I'm losing it. Because where in hell does me finishing his dinner even fall on the spectrum of friendship and relationships?

"You two are girls," Adam announced. "No, wait, that's not fair to girls, who are frankly cool. No, you're kids. Something has obviously happened and you're as wooden as wood things sitting there, and you need to sort this out and be friends already."

Sam pushed his plate away, very deliberately, and stood. "Thank you for dinner."

Adam blinked up at him. "You cooked it."

Sam shrugged. "I need to go."

Justin sensed everything was going to hell. Sam evidently didn't want him there, and it wasn't fair that Sam should have to leave. Justin was the new guy, the interloper. "Wait. It's okay—I'll go."

"No." Sam attempted to slide past him to get to the door but Justin gripped his arm.

"It's all me, and I'm sorry. This is stupid. For Adam, we can be friends."

With absolute focus and fire in his sapphire eyes, Sam yanked his arm free again. Then he stabbed Justin in the chest with a finger. "I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Friends."

And then he turned and left, slamming the door.

Behind Justin, Adam let out a loud exhalation. "Go after him, you idiot," he snapped.

Justin rounded on him. "You heard what he said!"

"I also heard what he didn't say. Go after him, and for fuck's sake, pull your head out of your ass."

Justin wavered, and when Adam glared at him pointedly, recalled the strong young boy who'd been the only one to stand up to him.

So he left.