Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

Sam had said a simple "I'll stay with you if you like, until you go."

Justin stared at himself.

The man who stared back from the mirror in the bathroom was a stranger. Not in looks. Nothing much had changed over the past twelve or so years. He still had an innocent-looking face that everyone seemed to trust instinctively. His blond hair was a little long and untamed, but his gray eyes were bright even though the skin around them was dark with fatigue.

So much relief had flooded him at those words that he'd been dizzy with it. He'd had to grip the vanity tight to stop himself slumping to the floor.

He left the bathroom, but didn't want to talk, climbed onto bed and fell straight to sleep. Sam had been the little spoon again last night, with Justin instinctively cuddling him, but all they'd done was sleep.

Justin woke before Sam, staring up at the ceiling and thinking back on last night.

Adam had been unable to look Justin in the eyes, and Justin wondered if Adam would ever look at him with understanding, or would Adam's memory loss trap them in this weird relationship where neither knew what to say.

Ethan was worried about Adam. Of course he would be, he was in love with the man, and Justin had been gone so long.

Marcus looked at Justin like he couldn't comprehend what he was. Gabe might have hugged him, but he still seemed wary.

But Sam? Cute, sexy, blue-eyed Sam? All he did was support and watch, and he'd kissed Justin like he actually wanted to. Justin was clearly starving for affection, that was it. He knew Marcus wanted to hug him and hold him and never let him go. But he didn't deserve that kind of love. Ethan wanted answers. Gabe stared at him like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. And as for Adam? He just looked confused, and kept massaging his temples like he had a permanent headache. Justin knew instinctively that his Dad, Ethan, and Gabe, they all loved him, were pleased he was home. More than pleased. And Adam would remember one day. But right now, Justin had Sam, and that was all he needed to have him feel at peace.

The weight on his chest lessened a little. If Sam was here, then Justin could try to be the man that the others needed him to be. The son, the brother, the friend. Even if he had to pretend to be something he wasn't.

Was it right to ask Sam to stay with him?

Sam woke up next to him, wriggling away, grumbling something about coffee. Evidently Sam wasn't a morning person.

Justin showered, leaning against the cold tiles whenever he felt like he wanted to slide down the wall. He'd brought in the clean clothes Gabe had given him—soft sweats again, and a lime green T-shirt. He checked the T-shirt in the mirror, pulling it lower at the front so it would ride up at his neck and hide the scarring on his back. He had to make sure it didn't reveal his lower back too.

What am I doing? Sam has seen it all.

He had nothing else he could do to delay going back out there, and he opened the door.

There was no sign of Sam at first, but he heard movement in the bedroom and followed the noise. Sam was making the bed, tidying it up. The window was wide, the drapes open, and it made it less like a sick room and more somewhere that he and Sam could kiss again.

That kiss. What did it mean?

"Why did you kiss me?" Justin blurted out and then bit his tongue when Sam glanced up at him. Sam was bent over the bed, tucking in corners, and he was just right: his ass would fit into Justin's hands just right, he was just tall enough, and his perfect taste was what Justin wanted.

Something about Sam spoke to Justin in a way he'd never felt before. Life and promise and future .

I am so stupid. It must be the medication wrecking my equilibrium.

"Because I wanted to." Sam finished off the cover and stepped back, right into Justin, who moved at the last moment. And they slotted together just fine—Sam shorter than Justin, his ass in just the right place for Justin to press hard, and he wrapped his arms around Sam's front and held tight.

"It was weird," Justin said.

Sam laughed. "I've never had my kisses called weird before."

"Not weird, then, just I wasn't expecting it."

Sam didn't move much or say a word; he rested his head back on Justin's shoulder and that was it, Justin wanted another taste of him, however wrong that was. All that made sense at that moment was that Sam was there and Justin wanted him. He pressed his fingers to Sam's chin and tilted his head, and they had an awkward, messy, sideways kiss. Sam finally turned so they could deepen it.

Something was wrong. And for the longest time, however hot the kiss was, Justin knew something was off.

Then he realized. "Your hands," he murmured between kisses.

He didn't have to say anything else; Sam chuckled and twisted his fingers into Justin's hair. Pinned like that, they kissed, and they only separated when the sound of horses and talking reached in through the open window. Adam and Ethan hadn't actually made it away from the cabin; they sat astride their horses under the trees.

"But why?" Justin insisted.

Sam smoothed his hair, a soft smile on his face. "I like kissing you, for however long I get to do it," he said with promise.

Justin wasn't hard. He wanted to be, but the kiss was more about grounding himself; the worries about what would happen now were too big for him to handle, and it damped down his arousal. He crossed to the window, wanting to see Adam and Ethan before they realized he was watching. What he saw had his throat closing.

His horse, Easy . Adam was riding Easy.

"And you really think it's okay to do that?" Justin heard Adam say.

In defense of what he was feeling, Justin wrapped his arms around himself and felt his shoulders dip. He wasn't ready for whatever Adam was talking about.

Ethan talked back and reached for Adam's arm. "I love you," Ethan said.

His words reached Justin and twisted another knife into the ball of guilt he carried inside.

Adam leaned across his saddle and kissed Ethan, and they spoke again, but it was lovers' whispering and not enough for Justin to hear.

Adam looked happy, not scared, or anything that indicated he knew Justin was watching. Unbidden, Justin's thoughts went back to that moment when he had knocked Cole out in the forest.

"Just forget me," he'd said to Adam, fucking idiot that he was.

Who said that and expected it to go well? Because Adam had peered into the darkness with hope.

"Okay?" Sam asked from the doorway. He was leaning against the jamb, hands in his jacket pockets, his blue eyes focused on Justin.

Justin watched Adam dismount and tie off Easy before running his hand through the horse's mane. Justin had thought of Easy often, of the link he'd had to the beautiful animal, and it had never failed to make him sad. "Yeah, I will be."

"Ready?" Ethan said outside, then took Adam's hand and squeezed tight, sending a look of such love and adoration at him that Justin couldn't breathe for a second. To see his brother so happy, to see Adam alive and well… he was overwhelmed with it all.

They stopped near the door, and Justin shrank back, right into Sam, who stood behind him.

"Whatever happens," Ethan said to Adam, "however he reacts to this, you have to know that I'll always be there for you, always love you."

Justin's heart twisted in his chest. He couldn't breathe as he listened to his brother's words. Not even Ethan thought whatever Adam wanted could end well. What was Adam going to say?

"You're scaring me," Adam said. "You don't think he'll like it?"

Ethan cradled Adam's face. "It's Justin. He's not the same man anymore." Ethan's tone was gentle. For a moment, Adam stared at him, and Justin couldn't see Adam's expression because he had his back to him, but he could see Adam stiffen in Ethan's hold.

And then everything happened in a rush.

Justin stalked to the front door and pushed it, skidding to a stop just outside. He wasn't going to sit passively by while Adam pulled up a memory or asked questions that Justin didn't want to answer.

"Justin?" Adam asked, confused.

Ethan moved between them, clearly reacting to the tension in Justin.

"I said I didn't want to talk," Justin shouted, and Adam stumbled into Ethan's hold, away from him.

Spending time with Adam was dangerous. What if Adam remembered what had happened and hated him?

"I just wanted you to see Easy," Adam said.

And those simple words made Justin feel like the worst human being alive because all he wanted to do was run in the opposite direction.

"I'm sorry, I got it wrong." Adam sounded defeated and began to walk back to Easy. Abruptly he stopped, and turned quickly. "No," he snapped. "I'm not backing off. You don't get to be angry with me over anything."

"I'm sorry."

Adam didn't stop. "Easy is yours, and I was doing a nice thing."

Justin stared at him, flicked his gaze at Ethan who looked way past pissed. Then Justin moved toward Adam, close enough to talk, not close enough to touch. "Adam," he said, hunching in on himself. "Thank you."

And then he pulled Adam close and held him tight, and Adam buried his face in Justin's neck, just like Gabe, just like Ethan.

Justin thought there were tears. He was overloaded with so much emotion, far too much to process, but Sam didn't step forward for him, and more telling, Ethan stayed back and let Justin hold Adam.

"I'll be inside," Sam said softly. He moved away and Ethan went with him.

Justin held Adam and waited, making the most of this almost-calm before the storm. "You okay?" He asked the useless question and got a chuckle for an answer.

"Not exactly," Adam murmured. "I'm sick of this emotional shit."

"Me too." They parted, and Adam walked over to Easy. Justin followed.

Adam looked up at Justin's face. "It was you I saw in the woods that time, wasn't it?"

"Yeah."

Adam smiled. "You hit Cole. He was pissed."

"I'll apologize to him one day," Justin said. Although that day would never arrive, Adam didn't have to know that.

They stopped by Easy, and Justin held out a hand for his horse to nuzzle, which he did, with a soft whumph . His nose was velvet, and Justin buried his face in Easy's mane and inhaled the scent of horse. He'd missed this, desperately missed Easy, the horses, the ranch, the scent and touch and sounds of the place. He'd given it all up for revenge, and for the longest time, up until today, that had been enough, his focus and purpose in life.

"What happened, Justin? Back then, I mean."

Justin sighed and stroked Easy, who was looking for treats. He didn't want to talk about that, but he guessed he didn't really have a choice. Might as well get it out of the way quickly. At least, when he left, Adam might have some things straight in his head. "What do you remember?"

Adam raised an eyebrow. Clearly he hadn't been expecting Justin to say a thing. "Oh, I guess, not too much, I have bits missing, and when I saw you, all I could recall was that you were protecting me. It was an instinct, though, rather than a true memory. After all, you did look out for me a lot."

"I did try to look out for you, but that last day, I couldn't."

"Maybe you could tell me some of what happened."

"I wouldn't know where to start." And I can't tell you everything; because I want to leave here thinking you'll still call me your friend.

Adam knocked shoulders with him. "I remember bits and pieces. Fire, I remember that a lot, and it's horrible."

"The guys who had us, they didn't want us running and telling others what they were doing, so they dealt with it." By covering us in chemicals and setting a timer on explosives.

"By trying to kill us." Adam said that so matter-of-factly.

"Yep."

"But we got away."

"That bit is sketchy," Justin admitted. "I was pretty badly hurt. Woke up in the hospital, and was told you were dead."

"But you never came home."

"I couldn't."

"You want to talk about that?" Adam's voice was gentle.

"Not yet."

"Okay, I get that. I have one question, though, from my memory, or sense, or whatever."

Fuck. I can't do this. Please don't ask me any more questions.

Justin swallowed as Adam looked sideways at him. "Did you lie on me, cover me to stop the worst of the fire burning me?"

"Adam…."

"No, I mean, I know you did. I remember the pain, and then you shoved me from behind, and there was fire." Adam's voice hitched. "And then you were dead."

Adam stood up, and in a smooth move he lifted his T-shirt over his head and turned his back to Justin. There was some discoloration on his skin that went up to his neck, but nothing major. In the center of his back there was a beautiful tattoo of a horse, and Justin caught his breath. It was stunning work.

Justin was relieved at there being no scars like his. That's one thing I did right, then.

"I showed you mine, you show me yours," Adam said, in a half-teasing, half-serious tone.

Justin looked up at him in disbelief. "What the hell?"

"I want to see what they did to you, what you took to save me."

"Adam…."

"Please."

Justin stood, shaky, and completely fucked over by the emotion in Adam's eyes, by the need, hope and sadness that shone there. He crossed his hands at the base of his T-shirt and began to lift it, hesitated for a moment, and then yanked it off in one move. He turned away from Adam and waited for the horror, the comments, for Adam's memories to flood back, and for hatred to replace cautious welcome.

" Shit ," Adam cursed, "That must have hurt. You're an idiot."

That wasn't what Justin had been expecting, and he turned to face Adam, his T-shirt balled in his hands. "What?"

"Taking the brunt of the fire. You're a heroic idiot."

Temper and fear twisted inside Justin's head; he didn't want to hear that kind of thing from Adam. "It was my fucking fault you were even there!"

Adam didn't blanch, he looked at him steadily. "How so?"

"I went after the gunshot. I should never have gone, and you followed."

"So, you told me to go with you?"

Justin frowned. No, he hadn't asked Adam to go, but he and Adam did things together. Hell, if Gabe had been there as well, then the three of them would have all been captured, tortured, and left for dead. "No, I was a stupid kid, and you looked out for me. I was angry at myself, and you, and Ethan, and I just went after the noise. And you did your usual thing—you followed me."

"See, there it is," Adam said with a shrug. "I followed you. Now we have that shit out of the way, care to fill in some blanks?"

That was it? Justin had just told Adam point-blank that everything was his fault, and all he got was a shrug.

"Holy fuck."

Ethan's voice had him turning, and too late Justin realized he hadn't pulled on his shirt again, and it was Ethan's first time at seeing what a mess his skin was. Not that Justin usually cared what people thought of it. Hell, he never let people near enough to worry. No one looked at his back when he was fucking them, or when they were on their knees.

"Those… that… fuck," Ethan cursed.

"Yeah," Justin said in his best nonchalant voice. "A long time ago now." He drew the shirt over his head and smoothed it down.

"I wish I'd been there for you," Ethan said, emotion in his voice.

Justin punched his brother on the arm. "Glad you weren't." Then he rubbed his belly in an exaggerated move. "I'm hungry."

Sam took everything in hand from there, cooking pasta for an early lunch, making a tomato base, adding herbs and all kinds of bits and pieces, and the other three sat at the table and watched him.

Justin was very good at not talking about anything specific, citing tiredness as a reason to go to bed to rest. He hugged Adam and Ethan equally hard, but he'd already made the decision.

He'd told Adam enough. He wasn't staying here any longer. He would hide in bed for the rest of the day and then, he was leaving under the cover of darkness.

Tonight.