Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

Justin rolled away from Sam, this time leaving him enough time to unravel his grip on Justin's hair. He sat up on the bed and looked at the man who had somehow become his focus on getting over the panic.

Sam had blood trickling from a gash in his cheek, a livid mark where the skin had parted a little.

"Fuck, Sam, I'm sorry," he said.

Sam just smiled at him. "It's okay. No harm done."

Justin reached out and wiped the small amount of blood, smearing it on his T-shirt to get it off his fingers. He'd seen a lot of blood in his life, but this was different. "I made you bleed."

Sam wrinkled his nose. "Guys dig scars," he teased.

Guys? Other guys who wanted Sam close, with Sam's fingers playing in their hair. Not good.

"Justin? Do we need to get Aaron here for the drugs?" Ethan interrupted, and Justin realized his brother's hand was on his shoulder.

"Aaron? The paramedic?"

"Yeah, I don't know what he has access to, but if you need anything for…." Ethan waved his free hand at Justin's arm. Then he sat on the edge of the bed, and he looked so serious. "I don't have a lot of experience with detox, but cold turkey isn't the way to do it."

Justin processed the words and stared at his brother. Ethan was still the older one, the boy who'd been Justin's hero as he grew up, and the one who knew just how to build a tree house or exactly how to catch a fish. His face was older, but his eyes were still those of the young boy who'd loved Justin. "Ethan…"

"It's okay," Ethan reassured. "I've seen a lot of things. I don't judge you for whatever choices you made. I don't know how you lived through everything."

Ethan looked like he was near to tears again, so Justin caught his hand and held it tight.

"I'll be outside," Sam said. "This is private."

"No," Justin said. "You can stay."

Justin looked at the men around his bed, all focused on him with expressions ranging from sad to expectant, and he realized he had nowhere to run. "The drugs were a short-term thing," he began. Because ripping the bandage off the wound was always the best way to do it.

"Drugs," Marcus said faintly. "Son, do we need to get something for you?"

Marcus looked utterly determined despite his soft voice, and Justin imagined his dad hooking him up with drugs. The thought of that made him smile, and how fucked up was that?

"That's what I asked," Ethan said. "Maybe Aaron can help?"

Justin shook his head. "No, I promise you, there's nothing Aaron can do to help."

Ethan nodded, his lips thinning, his eyes glassy. Then he drew back his shoulders. "Is it heroin? Are you taking something to help you?"

Justin glanced down at the inside of his arm, at the faint marks there, which only someone who knew what they were looking for would even see. He couldn't believe Aaron hadn't picked up on it, but then, maybe the paramedic had and hadn't called it as important as the scars were clearly old.

How could he tell his family that he'd deliberately become a heroin user as a cover, to get close to a target? That coming off the drug had been hell, and that being on it had been the closest thing he'd had to peace since the fire?

Like that , he thought. I should say it exactly like that. How could being honest put his family in any more danger than they were already in?

Justin looked at each man, finally his gaze rested on Sam, and he felt immediately, stupidly focused. He couldn't look his dad in the eyes, and he didn't want Adam to remember anything or feel guilt while Gabe and Ethan looked like they wanted to cry.

Sam was safety.

"I didn't want to use," he said and then stopped.

That wasn't the story he wanted to tell. That was nothing more than about how he felt, nothing about the reasons.

He began again. "I was undercover. It was part of my cover, that's all. Maybe seven years ago."

"So, are you saying you're a cop?" Gabe asked.

He was trying to label Justin, probably to get his head around everything, but Justin didn't want to be labeled. "Not exactly."

Gabe pressed for more. "Military?"

How did Justin answer that one? "Sort of," he said, brushing the question aside.

"What happened in '04?" Marcus asked. His tone was still gentle, like it hurt to talk, and he looked so tired, so stressed.

Justin looked at Adam, who smiled at him.

"I'm not scared to hear it," Adam reassured.

Still, there was no way Justin was saying a single word. "I can't, okay? You need to leave it where it was."

Marcus sighed in disappointment, and Justin thought he saw tears on his dad's face. "I'll be outside," Marcus said, and left.

Justin grimaced. What purpose would it serve to hurt anyone by telling them what happened? "Someone follow him, make sure he's okay."

"I'll go," Adam announced. "I need to think." He left without another word.

Ethan looked after Adam's exit and frowned, then turned back at Justin. "Why can't you give them something that will work for them?"

"Ethan, you know I can't do that."

Now it was Ethan's turn to look pissed. "I don't know anything, because you haven't told me anything that you say I can share."

"Please, Ethan, I need my brother now, the one who just accepts what I'm doing."

Ethan shook his head. "I need to go after them." Then he gripped Justin's hand tight. "Are you going to be okay?"

Ethan was looking right at him, and Justin didn't know what to say.

"I'll stay with him." Sam filled in the silence.

Justin tried to move, sitting up a little as Ethan left, shutting the door behind him.

As soon as Ethan had left, Sam leaned over him in a smooth move so he could look right into his eyes. Justin shoved him, but Sam wasn't moving, anchoring his hands in Justin's hair and holding tight.

"What the fuck?" Justin snapped.

"Can't you give them something? Anything at all?" Sam asked.

"There's nothing to tell. I won't put them in danger."

Sam considered the words. "So tell me, then. I'm not family, and nothing you say will put me in danger."

If only that were true.

"Tell me about your brother," Justin said to change the subject.

Sam focused on the question. "You heard that, then."

"Amid all the panic, yeah. Something to do with you being able to see the marks on my arms and understand them."

"Ben. He's ten years older than me, pride and joy of the parents. We used to be close, but he and I had a moment, and we can't get past it."

"Tell me why."

"Long story short, I got thrown out at sixteen, being gay sucked, he was at the height of using, was twenty-six, and he wasn't there for me. But want to know the worst thing of all? It was okay with my mom and dad that their son was a junkie, using his inheritance for fun, fucking up their precious company, wasting everything he was. But me? I liked boys, and that was not okay at all." Sam sighed, and his breath was warm on Justin's face. "So yeah, that was a moment."

Justin rested a hand on Sam's hip; traced the lines of Sam there with a finger, and suddenly he didn't want Sam to move. In fact, he tugged him closer, tucked him into his side. His weight there was warming, if that was the correct word to use. "Their loss," he said, because that sounded like the kind of thing a normal person would say.

Sam smiled. "That's what I thought."

Then he leaned down until their faces were close, and Justin was utterly caught in sapphire eyes. Sexy blue.

"Is this okay?" Sam asked.

"What?" Justin pressed his head back into the pillow, but it only gave him a few millimeters more space, and who was he kidding? He didn't even want the space, not really.

First sign I'm feeling better.

"This." Sam pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

Justin didn't push him away, but he stared up at him, shell-shocked. He couldn't recall the last time he'd kissed for pleasure, and he was currently in the middle of family issues that didn't warrant kissing the sexy man next to him. "What was that for?"

"It's like this—for a moment I'd like us to be kissing," Sam explained, and then he tugged Justin's hair, and the action sent blood rushing south. Sam kissed him deeper, slanting Justin's head until they could taste each other, unrestrained and needy.

The kiss began soft and gentle, and soon became more, and for a short time, Justin could imagine they were two regular guys meeting and flirting. That there wasn't someone out there coming to kill him, and that his family wasn't in danger because he was alive.

When they parted, Justin didn't say a word for a while, snuggling into the warmth that was Sam. Snuggling was not what hardened black ops agents did, but it simply felt right.

Marcus, Adam, and Ethan didn't come back in for a long time. Sam just sat there next to him, massaging his head, talking softly about nothing at all, and punctuating it all with kisses. About Sam's parents; about his brother, Ben; little bits about getting his meager qualifications; about working three jobs to pay for a roof over his head, and about being unsettled.

Justin was happy just to listen to normal .