Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

At some point in the night, the bed became less about sharing and comfort and more about being wrapped around Ethan so tight that Adam thought Ethan might complain.

What woke him up he didn't know, a pain, maybe, or a dream that wasn't quite a nightmare. Whatever it was, when he woke sprawled over Ethan and realized that Ethan was holding him tight, he extricated himself as gently as possible.

"What's wrong?" Ethan mumbled, reaching for Adam, but he wasn't entirely awake.

Adam wasn't sure what to do or say, so he just patted Ethan's arm and watched as Ethan rolled over and hugged his pillow. Adam padded out to the kitchen and stretched a little, stopping just before it hurt. Armed with a glass of water and Ethan's phone that had been left on the side table, Adam sat on the sofa and scrolled to the app for the Internet. Ethan had said it was okay for him to use it, and there were actually some things he wanted to look up.

"Man. Missing. Disappeared. Work. Horses." He spoke the words out loud as he typed them in. That seemed like a lot of keywords—he huffed as he realized he even knew what a keyword was.

Fucking broken brain.

The top search was to a Wikipedia page entitled "List of People Who Disappeared Mysteriously." His finger hovered over the entry, but that was going to be about unexplained people who vanished with UFOs and stuff like that. Adam didn't get the feeling he'd been abducted by aliens; there was a much more earthly reason about where he'd vanished to.

What if he'd been in prison?

Dread gripped him only so long as it took him to realize that if he'd been in prison, his prints would be in the system and Ethan would have been able to track down where he'd been.

A couple of articles down was a news item from a Canadian newspaper. Adam read the title out loud to delay clicking the link. "Man Missing for 30 Years Solves His Own Disappearance After Suddenly Remembering Who He Is."

Thirty years? What if that was it—he made a life at Crooked Tree and then abruptly recalled he had a whole other life? That didn't bear thinking about; he couldn't start a new life until he'd solved the existence of the previous one.

He clicked the link and scanned the item. The guy at the center of it, folks thought he'd gone to Niagara Falls to kill himself, but he'd hit his head and lost all his memories, then spent thirty years as another person before abruptly recalling everything from before he was twenty-one.

How? How can someone just vanish like that?

"Is that what I did?" he murmured to the empty room.

Did I try to commit suicide?

"Adam?"

Ethan's sleepy voice interrupted the awful train of thought and surprised Adam so much that the phone flew from his hand and slid to the floor. He leaned over to pick it up, wincing at the pain in his chest. "Hey," he said, standing, the phone clutched in his hand.

"Couldn't sleep?" Ethan yawned behind his hand.

"Something woke me up."

Ethan grunted something and then opened the fridge door; the light spilled into the darkened room, giving Adam an excellent view of Ethan in just his jersey shorts.

"Chocolate?" Ethan asked, although from behind the fridge door, the word sounded muffled.

Adam thought he'd said chocolate, and right then that seemed like an excellent idea. "Please."

Ethan pulled out milk, then flicked on the small under-cupboard light before pulling out chocolate powder and a pack of something white. "How do you like it?" he asked on another yawn. Then, as if realizing what he'd just said, he turned to face Adam. His face was illuminated by the soft light. "Shit, Adam, do you even like hot chocolate?"

Adam smiled at him, at the grave frown on his face. "I said yes without thinking, so I must. Right?"

Ethan nodded and started warming milk and adding powder, bringing over the two mugs and the bag filled with white things to the sofa. The extra packet turned out to be tiny marshmallows and he placed it between them.

"You think that works for everything?" Ethan put a couple of the marshmallows into his chocolate and stirred them with his spoon, pulling them out every so often to see the texture of them.

Evidently he liked them softened in the drink, and he spooned them into his mouth after a few seconds. Adam was too fascinated by the process of learning what Ethan did with the drink to react to the question, until Ethan looked at him expectantly.

"Sorry, what?"

"You think that works for everything?"

"What? Sorry, I was a million miles away."

"Instinct, I meant. You said that you said yes to the chocolate and it just happened."

"I did." Adam took his own sip and savored the taste, picking up a marshmallow and letting it drop in the dark frothy goodness. "And it's good."

"We need to talk." Ethan said so softly it was almost a whisper. The only light was the glow from the small lamp in the kitchen, and the dark invited the sharing of secrets.

"What about?"

"The kiss, about when you were younger, when I was, about how I feel about Justin and how it's all wrapped up in you. I don't mean to send out mixed messages, and even though my search for my brother is all-consuming, it's almost like…."

He stopped and drank some more chocolate, probably to get his thoughts in order, because so far what he'd said was a little jumbled.

"Like what?"

"Jesus, you're going to think I'm fucked in the head," Ethan said.

"Nope, it's me that's fucked in the head," Adam teased. He didn't like seeing Ethan so stuck for words.

Ethan smiled at him, and Adam knew in that single moment he'd never seen another man as gorgeous or wanted to kiss another man so badly. Instinct had him knowing that was true.

"Just, there's a space inside me that's all you."

Adam heard the words, made sense of them in his head, and found he had no response that made the emotions inside of him real. Then, as if everything clicked into place, he knew exactly what he wanted to say. Only it wasn't a statement, but a question.

"What if, when I was gone, I waited the whole time to find you again? What if we were waiting for each other?"

"Maybe that's true."

"Tell me about when I was a kid."

Ethan looked at him steadily. "You were quiet, all into reading books and writing stories. It was always Justin who got you into trouble, but I think you and Cole did everything you could to get out of the house and avoid your dad's wrath. He was always on at you both."

Adam's heart sunk, he didn't know what he'd been hoping to hear, but it was probably that his dad had one redeeming quality to his character. "He really was a bastard, then?"

Ethan looked him right in the eye. "Yes, he was."

"How did he die?"

"Liver failure. It was quick and ripped him apart just like he'd ripped apart his own family with his drinking."

"And my mom? You said she passed away when I was six."

"Yeah. She left, I think she'd had enough."

"But she didn't take me and Cole with her?"

Ethan shook his head. "I wish I could tell you she tried but I don't know. She died a couple months after, I don't recall how."

Adam wanted to hate his mom, but how did you hate someone you had no memory of? She had to live with his dad and that had to have been hard from what Ethan was saying.

"What about your dad? Are you close to him?" Adam asked, even though he'd heard them argue and seen them toe to toe over the fact it was him and not Justin who came home.

Ethan hesitated before he answered, a flicker of sadness crossing his face. "Not like we used to be. He was a good dad. I know that as a fundamental fact. He doted on Justin, but who wouldn't? Justin was one of those kids, getting into all kinds of trouble, but always with a grin and the biggest of hearts."

"That must have been hard on you. What were you, two or something when your mom died?"

"I don't really remember her, or Justin being a baby, or anything changing, just what dad told me. I do know my dad was always there for me." He paused and added sadly, "Until he wasn't."

"So, you're not close now."

"No, when Justin and you… when you first disappeared, we were joined in the need to find you and he was so strong. But, the shit hit the fan when Dad gave up, when he wanted Justin pronounced dead and I wasn't ready to let my brother go."

"Or me."

"No, nor you."

"Thank you for never giving up," Adam whispered and leaned over to press a kiss of thanks to Ethan's cheek. Ethan turned a little as Adam moved, and the kiss brushed the corner of Ethan's mouth.

They froze, staring at each other. Ethan was the one to break the silence.

"I would never have stopped looking, I still won't. Justin is out there, and I will find my brother."

Adam backed away, not sure how to process that statement. A tiny part of him had been hoping that Ethan would turn to him and say that he didn't give up because of how he'd felt about Adam, but of course Justin was the central figure in all of this. And who could blame Ethan; Justin was his brother, his blood.

Ethan didn't let him move too far; he curled his fingers into Adam's T-shirt and gently tugged him closer.

"And you, you were only fifteen. Hell, I was only seventeen, but we were in love, and I would never have given up on my first love."

"First love."

"Only love, really. I haven't let myself…."

Ethan stopped, and then it appeared that words were not what he wanted to focus on. He took Adam's empty mug and placed it next to his on the floor, moving on the sofa right up close to Adam.

"I want to kiss you," he announced as he leaned in. "Is that okay?"

In answer, Adam bridged the small gap between them and they kissed. Somehow, despite his sore lip, his swollen eye, and the bruises all over his body, he found a comfortable position and lost himself in the pleasure of kissing the man. Gently, never too hard.

They kissed for the longest time, sighing into one kiss after another, until somehow Ethan maneuvered them with him lying back on the sofa and Adam sprawled on his chest.

"Is this okay? Are you in pain?" Ethan whispered between kisses.

Adam hurt all over; his chest was tight, his left thigh hurt, but he wasn't moving from that very spot where his hard cock lay snug next to Ethan's. "No, just keep kissing me."

"I want you so bad."

Ethan moved a little under Adam, enough for the delicious friction between them to have Adam moaning into the next kiss. When Ethan pulled back to ask if he was okay again, Adam stopped him with another kiss and pressed down against him, swallowing a moan of his own along with Ethan's groan.

"I think this is that sense-memory instinct thing," Adam said, pressing, sliding and pushing against the man under him.

"This feels… right." Ethan placed a hand on Adam's ass and held him steady, not enough pressure to push, but enough to have Adam wishing he'd hold tighter.

But he wouldn't. Ethan cared. He held him as if he was precious, and no one had ever done that before.

No. I'm not wondering why I know that.

Instead he focused on the orgasm that was teasing him, waiting just out of reach, his limbs loose and the rush to come overwhelming him.

"Fuck… Adam," Ethan groaned.

"Too much," Adam whispered, pushing against Ethan and finally cresting, his breath catching as he came so hard that every muscle in him tensed. Under him, Ethan cursed, gripped the globes of Adam's ass, harder this time, and then pushed up with a muffled groan as he came.

As soon as Ethan was back in the real world, he cursed an apology and released his hold on Adam. "Shit, are you okay?"

"Stop asking me."

"I didn't mean to?—"

"Ethan, that was the hottest thing I have ever done," Adam murmured, closing his eyes as sleep drew in. "At least I think it is. Now sleep."

"We should move."

"No… wanna stay." Sleep claimed him fast, and with come in his pants and sprawled over Ethan, this was exactly where he wanted to stay.

So when he woke in bed, alone, he thought he had dreamed the whole thing. He groped for Ethan lying next to him, but Ethan's side of the bed was cold to touch. Definitely not in bed. Somehow they must have made it in here but he didn't recall how.

"Hey, sleeping beauty."

Adam couldn't open his good eye yet. The pain of the light would be enough to start a headache, the pressure behind his eyes already there. "Ethan?" he asked, even though he knew it wasn't Ethan.

"Nope, the much better-looking one, Gabe."

"Where's Ethan?"

"Had to talk to work, said I should take you on a tour. You want to get your ass out of bed and into the shower?"

Adam waited until Gabe left, rolling off the bed an inch at a time. He ached in all the places he'd forgotten about: his lower spine, his ass, his knees. Never mind his twenties, he felt more like sixty today. The mirror showed the swelling in his left eye was better, but he still couldn't open it fully. The stitches on his face looked a little less puffy, and he began to get a better sense of what he looked like; he might even have cheekbones under the swollen flesh of his face. That thought made him smile a little, which cracked the edge of his split lip and had him cursing. Somehow it had scabbed over in an awkward way, pulling at skin and making it tight and uncomfortable.

No more kissing today.

The shower helped, his muscles easing a little, and the painkillers pushed him the rest of the way. He made toast and drank the coffee Gabe had brought with him, and during all that time, Gabe just talked on and on about this, that, and everything.

"Here, have a muffin." Gabe pushed a box toward Adam. "Ashley made them. She's my girlfriend. You haven't met her yet, but you met her daughter, Kirsten, the girl with Luke who found you up in the woods."

As he'd been trying since he arrived at the ranch, Adam repeated back the information. "Luke, your brother, was with a girl, Kirsten, who is your girlfriend's daughter."

A smile split Gabe's face. "See, you got it."

"And Nate, your brother, is seeing Jay, who is…"

"My girlfriend's brother."

"So wait, you three—you, Nate and Luke—all met up and fell in with members of the same family." My head hurts.

"Yep." Gabe said this so cheerfully, but there was defensiveness in his voice, so Adam guessed he'd faced this question before.

"Cool," he said, to defuse any issues before they started.

"But Luke is young, and part-time at art school, and Kirsten is just finding her feet, really. So it's young puppy love probably with added sex, although we don't like to think about it."

"I guess you wouldn't," Adam agreed, just for something to say.

Because, really, way too much information.

"Ready to go? We're not taking horses out, just walking down to one of the cabins to see if anything pricks your memory."

Adam was relieved they weren't taking the horses. Despite his inner conviction that he worked with them, he couldn't for the life of him remember how you rode a horse. He guessed it would be like the old adage of riding a bike, and maybe his sense memory would kick in. Nevertheless, he doubted his bruised and broken body would let him actually get up on a horse yet. And what if he fell? He could really fuck himself up.

They left the house and took a left, down the hill and toward the restaurant; Gabe described what they were planning at this part of the ranch.

"Jay and Sam are working on extending the opening times for Branches, and opening a small shop, specializing in tack, for the visitors who don't plan ahead. Shirts, jackets, boots, that kind of thing. We have some samples that would fit you, save you spending until you get settled."

"Thank you."

"I'll get you some, take them up to your house." He waved expansively. "So this side of the bridge is mostly private, apart from the obvious area with the horses where guests are directed, and also Branches. Ashley works with Jay. She does the bookings and admin, that kind of thing. See the logo…?" He pointed at the stylized image of a horse and cowboy hat on the side of the office. Adam nodded. "Luke did that logo, designed it and drew it."

Adam could see the pride in Gabe for his little brother. He idly wondered if Cole was proud of him, or had been proud of him when they were together—before Adam left, ran away, or whatever happened. He didn't ask Gabe, that wasn't a question for him, but he did resolve he'd ask Ethan about getting some kind of message to Cole.

They crossed the bridge, passing a couple of private residences, and onto a pressed-stone path leading through trees. And Gabe never stopped narrating.

"You, me, and Justin. It was our job to clear the cabins after each rental, and every Saturday we'd work on projects, fixing stuff." Gabe stopped talking and walking at the same time, standing still and looking down a small incline to what Adam assumed was the first cabin. To Adam, it looked as if Gabe was hit by memories. If Gabe had been part of a trio with him and Justin, then it must have been so hard for him to have been the one left behind.

"I never knew why you didn't take me," he said quietly, which confirmed Adam's train of thought.

This is it , thought Adam, the great discussion about what , where , and why .

"I don't recall anything from that time," he said out loud, as if he had to remind Gabe.

Gabe shrugged. "Oh, I know that. I just got this note way back, in your handwriting, telling me you and Justin needed some time and you'd be back the next day. Then nothing. I always felt…."

Again he stopped; the words were clearly very hard for him to get out, but Adam could fill in the blanks. "Left behind?"

Gabe's eyes widened, and then he smiled. "You always were the perceptive one. We were close, the three of us. I was the youngest, but not by much, although I was way shorter than you. Still am." He looked up at Adam, who had maybe five inches on him. "You and Justin always waited for me, helped me. We had our moments, but mostly we were tight. And then, one day, it was just me. In and around all the anxiety and grief, it was just me." He shook his head a little. "Anyway, this isn't about Gabriel Todd. This is Adam Strachan's tour, so let's get some memories back."

Gabe walked ahead, but Adam couldn't leave it like that. "Gabe, wait."

Gabe stopped and turned, a questioning expression on his face. "Are you sore? Want to go back?"

A flash of memory passed through his thoughts. Gabe, a much younger Gabe, his eyes shining with excitement; no words, but Gabe was happy. Instinct took over and he strode forward, pulling Gabe into a hug. Gabe didn't hesitate; he wrapped his arms around Adam and held him. For the longest time, they stood quietly, Gabe gripping Adam's jacket and Adam clinging on for dear life.

"I missed you," Gabe whispered. "Both of you."

They broke apart and Gabe grinned up at him. Something flashed in Adam's head; a sentence came to mind and he blurted it out. "That was kind of gay."

Gabe looked at him, his eyes wide in shock. "What did you say?"

Adam shook his head, not entirely sure where that had come from. "I said that us hugging was kind of gay."

Gabe's mouth fell open, and then he seemed to pull himself together. "I used to say that all the time to you, when you told me and Justin you were gay. After that, I was always teasing you, always saying it. I even dyed your white T-shirts pink. Did you remember? Hell, was that a memory?"

Adam wished he knew. Was the use of "kind of gay" a genuine memory? Had he remembered, or was it that freaky instinct again? Something poked him inside his head; it felt like a memory, or at least something partway real.

"Yeah," he finally said. "I think I remembered."

Gabe whooped, offered a fist, and went to drop it when Adam didn't immediately bump fists with him, but Gabe wasn't fast enough and Adam caught his hand in a grip. Then slowly, as if he had no control over his other hand, Adam formed a fist.

"We did this," he said. They touched fists, and then, with a move of their hands, they slid the fists away in perfect unison.

"Just like we used to do," Gabe said. He grinned at Adam and hell if Adam couldn't feel the smile that nearly split his own face.

This was progress.

Adam stopped by the edge of the river and forced his hands deep into his jacket's pockets. April at Crooked Tree was clearly not the warmest.

Gabe had stopped as well, explaining that the ranch was twenty-nine thousand acres, with sixty miles of trails and over six miles of private access to the Blackfoot River. The same turbulent waters that knocked into large boulders along this part of the river.

Gabe picked up a stone from the path and threw it into the water. "Jay said something about offering whitewater rafting. He was outvoted until he could find someone to take on the challenge."

"Nobody here wants to do it?"

"Put myself in an itty-bitty plastic boat and go hurtling down the white water. Hell, no. You?"

"I don't remember how I feel about that," Adam said, with honesty and a quirk of a smile. "I don't think I hate water, just small spaces."

"Yeah, you never liked being trapped, not since your leg was pinned in the… um."

"It's okay. Ethan told me about being stuck in a flash flood when I was younger."

"Yeah, he sat with you for an hour, just holding your hand and calming you down. He didn't leave even when the water was right up to your faces."

"Ethan never told me that part." Why wouldn't he have told Adam the whole story? Surely something that heroic was made to be shared. Probably the stupid rules about not telling Adam everything, trying to get him remembering on his own.

Speaking of which, his chest felt tight, and his breathing was becoming more labored.

"You okay?" Gabe asked.

His voice was distant and Adam couldn't answer.

Not another fucking panic attack. I'm done with those.

Next thing he knew, he was sitting on the cold ground and Gabe was supporting him, gripping him hard, and talking right in his face.

"C'mon Adam, talk to me."

"He kept saying… he kept on saying…."

"What? Who said what, Adam?"

Adam blinked at his friend and tugged away from his hold, concentrating on calming his breathing. A memory had popped fully formed into his mind, and he cursed that his journey to being well was going to take a long time if every memory was accompanied by him fainting like an idiot.

"He said he wasn't going to leave me, even when the water was rising."

"Yes, I just said that."

"I mean… I remembered that he said I was like a brother, that he wouldn't let Justin go, so why would he let me go."

"That's a good memory."

Something niggled at the back of his mind, another memory, and this time Ethan was older as he looked at him, as he said that for the longest time he'd been falling in love and that he didn't understand it, but was it possible that Adam would ever love him back?

"I loved him," Adam murmured.

Gabe went to sit next to Adam, his long legs out in front of him. "Yeah, that was obvious from way back. Justin was the one always getting into trouble, I was the one who couldn't wait to get taller, and you were the one who was always in love with Ethan, even before you knew what that was."

Adam sighed. "I want to remember that."

Gabe knocked shoulders with him. "You will."

"Tell me more about the river."

Gabe cleared his throat and adopted his most serious tone. "The Erskine Valley, where we are, was a mining settlement. There are still mine structures left, although most of the mine was flooded after the quake of '78."

Adam snorted a laugh and Gabe looked affronted.

"You sound like an episode of National Geographic ," Adam said.

Gabe raised an eyebrow. "At least you know what Nat Geo is."

"True."