Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Adam squirmed in his seat, the sign for Montana was right there. Ethan had pulled the car over just before it so that Adam could face his fear.

Not that he put it that way, but clearly he thought Adam was a complete wimp over this shit, and needed to protect him from himself.

"I'm sorry," he said again. That must have been the third time at least. He didn't know what else to say.

"Seriously, you have to stop saying that." Ethan didn't sound irritable, just resigned. "Do you know how brave you are?"

Adam huffed; he was so not brave. He couldn't even cross a state line without losing control.

Ethan wouldn't let it alone. "You wake up and you're in a whole new world. It takes guts and bravery to even have left the hospital, let alone get in a car with a total stranger and travel across the country."

Adam looked at him. Ethan meant every word. Ethan thought he was brave. So maybe he should try and be what Ethan thought he was.

"Okay," he said. His chest was tight, but his thoughts were clear. "Let's do this."

"Really?"

"Don't say that. Just go."

So Ethan did. He turned on the engine and, in a few seconds, they had crossed into Montana.

And nothing happened. Adam didn't die, he didn't break down, and he felt brave.

Nearly four hours of driving with some breaks had them pulling into a rest stop, still ten miles outside Billings.

Crossing the state line had been a non-event. Or rather, Adam made it a non-event. He'd swallowed his fears, closed his eyes, and somehow managed to sleep.

But now, as the engine died and Ethan turned to face him, he was terrified. In the recess of his mind, the impetus to run was poking at him, and this was getting fucking ridiculous. "Are we stopping here?" he asked, not feeling much like eating, but he'd stop if Ethan needed a break.

"I've got something to admit to you," Ethan began, his expression guarded.

A million possibilities raced through Adam's head, and the explosive " What ?" that snapped out of him surprised him. He didn't want surprises.

"I asked Nate to meet us here."

Nate? Ethan's friend Nate? "Why?"

Ethan bit his lip; he had a habit of doing that when he was thinking.

"I guess I wanted you to be eased into the people at the ranch," Ethan began, and then he shook his head. "No, that isn't it. I needed Nate here."

Adam could understand that. Ethan was obviously worried about Adam, about some of the shit floating about in his head, and felt like he needed backup.

Of course it was okay.

So why did Adam feel like there was no fucking way he wanted to see anyone else yet?

"Ready?" Ethan asked. He thumbed at the diner. "You want me to go in first?"

"Why? What point is there to that?" He couldn't help feeling peeved, almost disappointed, he selfishly wanted Ethan to himself for as long as he could, because Ethan made him feel safe. This Nate guy would ask questions, demand answers that Adam didn't have, and might be angry with Adam for disappearing, whatever the reason.

"I can text him and cancel."

Adam was so tempted to say yes. "Is he here?"

Ethan pointed at a Jeep Wrangler. "That's his."

"And he drove what, five hours, to get here?"

"Yeah, about that."

"Then let's do this." Adam pushed as much bravado into his voice as he could and hoped to hell that he could fake the confidence to go with the words.

Ethan held out a hand, palm up, and Adam pressed his own hand there, relieved when Ethan laced their fingers and squeezed. "You want to leave, we will," he said.

How did Ethan know that was what he wanted to hear? "Okay."

Ethan cradled Adam's face with his other hand, his expression compassionate. "Ready?"

"This is a good thing, right. I could walk in and see Nate and remember things."

"You could."

"What scares me is that I'll see him and remember nothing at all, like when I saw you." And that was as honest as he could get. Not second-guessing himself again, he tugged his hand from Ethan's and opened the car door, twisting to climb out and huffing at the persistent pain in his chest.

Ethan was there before he could stand. Always there with a hand or an arm, helping him, but he wouldn't be there forever.

They walked through the near-empty parking lot, and Adam glanced at the Jeep, at the Montana plate and the sticker in the window for Crooked Tree Ranch. He trailed a finger in the dust on the back and brushed his hand clean on his jeans.

When they walked into the diner, a tall man rose from his seat, and another man followed suit.

"You said it was only Nate." Adam came to a complete halt.

"I think that's Jay, Nate's partner."

Adam side-eyed Ethan, "You think? You don't know?"

"I don't get to the ranch a lot," Ethan defended. "But I've seen photos, and it sure looks like him."

Adam didn't call him on his words; instead he focused on the few steps that would take him to Nate.

Not even close up did Adam recall his features.

When he was within reach, Nate held out a hand, his eyes bright, his voice gruff with emotion. "Adam," he said.

Adam shook hands and got the feeling Nate wanted to pull him in for a hug or something. He deliberately rolled back on the balls of his feet to counterbalance any hugging, and Nate released his hand, a flicker of disappointment on his face.

"This is Jay." Nate introduced the dark blond man standing next to him. They were as different as chalk and cheese: Nate one hundred percent cowboy from the plaid and jeans to the rough, weatherworn skin, Jay looking like a college lecturer in a dark T-shirt and matching dark jeans.

Ethan shook Jay's hand. "Sorry I haven't made it out to Crooked Tree to really talk," he apologized.

Jay shook his head. "We know you're busy."

Some memory floated inside Adam as he stared at Nate, but it was nothing but a feeling, and he couldn't put words to what he was feeling.

"Coffee?" The waitress placed mugs on the table and hovered with the coffee pot, filling each man's cup. "What can I get you?"

Adam stared at her, at her badge saying her name was Barbara, at her long dark hair caught back in a ponytail, at her blue eyes as she stared back.

"Adam?" Ethan prompted. "You want the usual?"

"Uh-huh," Adam said, still staring.

Barbara half smiled at him. Actually she looked more than a little uncomfortable, but he couldn't help it. Something about her sparked a memory and he wanted to grab whatever nebulous threads there were and cling hard.

She retreated back to the counter, and very deliberately, Ethan moved his chair so that Adam couldn't stare at her. The movement put him closer to Adam. Ethan looked at him, puzzled, but Adam couldn't worry about that now. Instead he focused on Nate, who was talking about himself and Jay, how they met, how they fell in love, and what Jay had done for Crooked Tree. And through all of it, Jay would finish Nate's sentences and touch him on the arm, and the two of them just fit together.

Had Adam experienced anything like that? Being completely at ease with another person? Could there be a man out there whom he'd fallen in love with, a man who held his heart?

But surely that man would have reported you missing. He would be distraught that you disappeared; he would be trying to find you.

And why, when he thought this, did Ethan's fight to find him and Justin come to the fore? Was Ethan that man? Had Adam loved him, even at fifteen?

Breakfast was a welcome interruption, his plate of pancakes and bacon just enough to nibble on as the others talked around him. He was relieved that it was too loud to talk and that he could reset his fucked-up brain from its tortuously circular walk around his lack of memory.

"Adam?" Ethan said at his side.

"Hmm?" Adam looked at Ethan. One of the three men here had probably asked him a question and he'd spaced out making a smiley face from pancake and syrup. "Sorry?"

Nate cleared his throat, "So, Ethan was saying, you remember absolutely nothing?"

Adam considered a sarcastic response, something like No, I'm lying, and yay, I remember everything. He didn't, because there was understanding and concern in Nate's expression. "Some things are there, like I remember the name Smoke."

Nate nodded slowly. "Your horse."

Adam saw Nate and Ethan exchange weighted glances.

"And the waitress, she reminds me of someone, and I don't know who."

The other three all turned to look at the waitress, who blanched and scurried away from the counter.

"We're scaring her," Adam pointed out.

Jay was the first to turn back. "Maybe getting back to Crooked Tree will give your memory a push," he said and forked the last of his egg into his mouth.

"I hope so."

"It's a lovely place, stunning," Jay said. "Lots of land, and water, and big blue skies."

"And mountains," Adam added.

"You remember that?" Jay looked ridiculously hopeful and Adam almost hated to rain on his parade.

"No, I saw a leaflet, and I know Montana."

"You know it."

"Like I know New York, or LA, or that there are fifty states. I remember all that, I just don't recall specifics."

He was distracted by Nate and Ethan talking, both leaning into each other, Ethan with a serious expression on his face and Nate looking back at the waitress.

"What?" Adam snapped.

Ethan and Nate stopped talking and faced Adam.

"Nothing," Ethan lied.

Adam could tell he was lying; he looked like the weight of the world was sitting on his shoulders.

"You should tell him," Nate insisted.

"The doctor said he should recover memories on his own," Ethan pointed out.

"That's bullshit," Nate snapped. "You can't let him walk into this shit without giving him some kind of heads-up."

Ethan bristled and faced up to Nate. "You think I want to?"

"Seems to me you're not sure what the fuck you want." Nate looked pissed.

"I'm right here," Adam interjected.

"She looks like your mom," Nate said, with reluctance in his tone.

"Who? The waitress?" Adam glanced over her way again and looked away when she sent a pretty hostile glare his way. Poor woman probably thought they were talking about her. Which they were, he guessed. "My mom had dark hair and blue eyes."

"Yes," Nate said. "She passed away when you were six."

"She did?"

Grief blindsided him. Adam had no memories of a mother who clearly died young, but the idea that he had no mom and no dad was enough to make him feel abruptly alone in the world. He only had Cole, who was off around the world doing God knows what in the Navy. The grief morphed into the start of panic and he abruptly needed air. He stood, and saying nothing, he left, aware that someone was following him. Probably Ethan.

He made it outside, leaned on the fence on the porch, and inhaled the fresh Montana air.

"Sorry."

Adam turned to face Jay, who had followed him out.

"Not your fault. I just get…." Overwhelmed, scared. God, terrified, and I don't know where it all comes from.

"Yeah, I can understand that. Nate's a good man; he just believes in speaking his mind. He can't understand why it's wrong to tell you things. I did some research on the way here, and different experts say different things, but most of them agree on one thing: exposure to what people call your memories is a good thing. Like that waitress looking like your mom, if Nate hadn't told you, then you might have felt confused and your anxiety levels would rise."

Adam huffed a laugh. "You researched all that?"

"It's what I do." Jay said that with an accompanying smile. "Drives Nate mad."

"You seem good together," Adam said, when Jay fell silent.

"We are. We fit."

"I don't know if I have that, if I had it. That's one of the things that goes around and around in my head. Like, if I have someone out there, a boyfriend or something, then surely he would have reported me missing. But there's nothing, no reports I match and no cops looking for me." He pressed a hand to his heart. "I would feel it, wouldn't I?"

Jay sighed and leaned on the fence next to Adam. "You mean like an instinct, knowing you should be with someone."

"I guess."

"Then yes, I would hope that the link I have with Nate would be strong enough to tell me I have someone who loves me."

They fell silent, and through the window Adam saw Ethan talking to the waitress, saw her smile up at him and then cast an understanding look his way.

Great, I'm a figure of sympathy for a complete stranger now.

What Jay said, about a link… was that what had made Adam pull Ethan's name from his brain? The only word besides "Crooked Tree" that made any sense to him.

Did that mean he and Ethan were connected on a much deeper level?

Ethan and Nate joined them. Nate spoke first. "We'll go ahead and talk to Marcus, explain what's happening."

"Marcus is my dad," Ethan reminded Adam.

"I'm not stupid," Adam said and regretted it as soon as it left his mouth. That sounded angry and more than a little sarcastic, and he wasn't feeling those emotions at all. He was just confused and tired and sore. "Sorry."

"It's good to meet you," Jay interjected to break the whole shitty silence thing they had going on. He held out a hand, which Adam shook. "And you ever need a quiet place, my office is always there. And I'm separate to this, okay. I can listen without knowing a thing about your past."

Adam felt pathetically grateful and leaned in for a semi-hug, backslapping, and a quick hold. He liked Jay; his smile and his understanding were exactly what he needed.

Nate held out his hand to shake and then instead pulled him in for a hug, squeezing briefly and only letting him go when Adam couldn't stop a little groan of pain.

"Sorry, shit, I didn't mean to hurt you." Nate began to apologize then changed direction mid-sentence. "I missed your face, Adam. I thought you were—I'm so damned happy you're alive."

He and Jay left, and Adam stood outside the diner staring at the Jeep as it disappeared into the distance. Ethan didn't say anything to interrupt his thoughts, only stood next to him with a reassuring hand on his arm.

"Do you have a photo of my mom?" Adam asked as they walked back to the car.

They climbed in, and Adam couldn't help a gasp of pain as he attempted to buckle up. Ethan helped him without saying a word, then passed him a bottle of water and more pain meds. Adam took both and swallowed the pills gratefully; anything to take the edge off what he was feeling at the moment. His body ached and his head hurt, and as for his heart? That was bruised, and tears threatened to fall.

"Here." Ethan passed his phone to Adam.

Adam looked at the screen and the brunette's face. "This is her? Mom?"

"Tegan Winters. She married your dad in eighty-two. Cole was born in eighty-six and you two years later. She died in ninety-four just before her thirty-second birthday."

Extraordinary grief gripped Adam, hit him and cut him off at the knees, leaving him bereft.

She didn't look like the waitress. His mom was softer, more beautiful, but she had long dark hair, and although Adam couldn't see her eye color in this photo, he knew they were blue.

"My eyes are brown," he said. He couldn't help feeling disappointed in that. "But my hair is the same color."

"Your dad had brown eyes," Ethan said.

"And he died in…"

"Couple years back."

"So it really is just me and Cole."

"I'm sorry, and not just for that." Ethan twisted a little in his chair so he could face Adam. "I'm sorry if not telling you things is the wrong thing to do, but I don't know what's for the best."

"I understand."

Ethan looked so broken, so utterly drained, and bruised ribs or not, Adam acted on instinct, leaned forward, and kissed Ethan on the cheek. "We're okay," he said softly.

Ethan looked at him with a spark of fire in his eyes; he cradled Adam's face. "I missed you every day."

"Ethan—"

"Justin was always in my thoughts, it killed me that my little brother vanished, but you had a very different part of my thoughts. All the hopes and plans went with you, and I was lost."

Adam's chest tightened, and the tears that had threatened slid from his eyes in silent acknowledgment of what was inside him. "I want to remember," he murmured. "I want it all back. I want to stop us both feeling lost."

"What if you don't?" Ethan's voice broke. "What if you don't remember anything, what if we never find Justin…?"

The fragile connection between them subsided.

Justin.

And then, abruptly, it was Adam reassuring Ethan. "We'll find him. I'll remember everything, and we'll find your brother. I promise."

Ethan didn't call him on the fact that he couldn't promise a thing. Instead, he started the car and drove them to that night's hotel.

Nate and Jay had left for Crooked Tree. They would tell Marcus, tell everyone that Adam was alive, and pave the way for Adam arriving.

Ethan and Adam would spend one more night in a hotel and travel the rest of the way to Crooked Tree in the morning.

When Adam felt the edges of his mind give way to sleep, tucked up in the Holiday Inn, with the light out and Ethan's soft breathing in the next bed over, he had one thought.

Please don't let Justin be dead. And please don't let anyone hate me because I'm the one who's alive.