CHAPTER THIRTEEN

RAEWOKEFROM her sleep with a jolt.

Her skin was sticky and her heart was pounding, a hot and sickly panic gushing through her veins.

She lay still, waiting for the threat of the dream to fade, for her breathing to settle into a more even rhythm, for the drumbeat of fear to grow smaller and shallower and her limbs to unfreeze and, as soon as she was able, she swept the covers aside, casting a quick look at Domenico to make sure he was still sound asleep before carefully extracting herself from his tight embrace and slipping out of the bed and the room.

Her feet carried her down the stairs and outside and she welcomed the waft of the cool, clean morning air against her face and the feel of the sand beneath her feet as she walked across their private horseshoe-shaped beach towards the gentle froth of the waves.

Taking a seat on the sand, Rae hugged her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, her mind going back to her dream. No, not a dream—her nightmare. It was one she'd had before, but not for many months. In it she was lost, casting around for any kind of anchor or raft to grab on to, but there was nothing apart from an encroaching blackness, looming thick and dark and growing even greater the nearer it came. It was blinding and choking, strangling her screams and sucking her in, no matter how hard she fought it, until it was all around her, taking her over, pulling her down. That was when she'd woken up. That was always when she woke up.

Pulling her knees in tighter, Rae sucked in a shuddery breath of air, feeling the surge of a fresh wave of panic. Because she knew exactly what that dream was about, and she knew exactly why she'd had it again.

Because of last night. Those emotional, transforming few hours in which everything had changed.

Everything.

She and Domenico had become closer than they had ever been before. Closer than she had ever felt to another person, than she'd ever believed it was possible to be.

There was nothing standing between them now. Nothing pushing them apart or holding them back. There was just the two of them, their defences lowered and their hearts open. Together, they had ripped down the last few walls that had stood between them and dragged all of their secrets and fears into the light, but what had endowed those moments with even more power, even more meaning, was that they had chosen to do that. Individually, they had each decided to be more honest than they'd ever previously been, decided that they wanted the other person to know all of their heart as if they had been holding it in their hands. That they had both found themselves in that same place at the same time, both of them filled with courage and willing, seemed to Rae to be incredibly beautiful and incredibly poignant.

All she had ever wanted was for them to be reading from the same page, and for the first time in a very long time they were.

And with every new piece of himself that Domenico had revealed to her, Rae had fallen more and more in love with him. Because, with his whole story out in the open, she was able to see how strong and determined and noble he truly was.

She'd always been in awe of his strength, that ability he possessed to carry everything and even more on his very broad shoulders, but knowing that he'd been rejected and abandoned and broken and was still upstanding in spite of that was mesmeric. That he had found the perseverance to go on, to retain the trust he had in Elena, and to believe in Rae enough to want to marry her, spoke volumes about his capacity to feel and the fact that didn't understand how remarkable he was only made Rae's love for him so much greater.

But that meant her fear was that much bigger too.

Because the love she was feeling—the fierce, intense, passionate devotion to him—was anchored too deep and consumed too much of her. It had the power to be utterly devastating and that was terrifying.

It was a risk that Rae wasn't sure she could live with.

She knew too well what followed devastation. The darkness. The swallowing, surrounding, smothering darkness, which had been hunting her in her dream. The one that she feared coming for her in reality, just as it had preyed on her beautiful, strong mother. And as long as she loved Domenico as much as she did, that was a worry that she would carry with her each and every day. What if she lost him? How would she cope? Would she even be able to?

As those questions mounted, a cavern opened in her stomach, filling with the bitterest kind of dread, so strong that she could suddenly taste it in her mouth. And all she wanted to do was run. Run fast and far and away from all of those feelings.

As much as Rae had loved her mother, she didn't want to follow in her footsteps. She didn't want to force her sisters to watch another person they loved suffer and there was no way for her to reel in her feelings. They were too powerful, with a force of their own. Intense. Enthralling. That was the way it had always been between her and Domenico. She didn't believe it could be any other way. Their love had been forged in the sizzling flames of their instant, scorching passion, and the many ways they had opened up to each other in recent days had only fanned those flames.

It was everything that Rae had once wanted with him. A soul-deep, unshakeable, unbreakable bond...but back then she hadn't known how deep that fear was anchored in her, hadn't fully comprehended the consequences of such a connection. The power and sway it held over her. Now she did, and she knew those consequences could be catastrophic, and that scared her more than she could say.

She didn't want to live with fear shadowing her every move. She didn't want to feel fragile every minute of every day, worrying about what lurked around the corner. It had been hard enough last time and even with all the work she had done to make herself strong, to make her life fuller and become more robust so that nothing could ever break her the way her mum had been broken, it wasn't enough. Nothing was powerful enough to counter Domenico's presence and power over her. She still felt vulnerable and afraid.

Toovulnerable. Too afraid.

She felt it when she spotted Domenico striding across the beach to join her, felt it as she watched him work on the plane going home to Venice, his head bent low as he typed out email after email, occasionally looking up to send her one of his slow, devastating smiles, and she felt it when he kissed her goodbye at the airport before he went off in one direction to the Ricci offices and she returned to the palazzo.

Every time she looked at him, she felt that overpowering wave of love for the man he had become in spite of everything he had had to endure. And then a deep, threatening stab of fear.

It was a relief to have some space from him and some time to herself, a few hours without that frantic back and forth of feeling. But once back at the palazzo Rae became restless, unable to settle peacefully to even the smallest of tasks, and so when, mid-afternoon, her phone rang with an incoming video call from Nell, she leapt to answer it, eager for the distraction that a friendly conversation would provide.

‘I have some very exciting news for you,' Nell announced after they'd exchanged pleasantries, launching into a description of the conversation she'd had with the owner of New York's biggest and world-famous bridal boutique.

‘Are you serious?' Rae gasped in disbelief when Nell had finished. ‘They want to stock my dresses? Even though there aren't even samples of all my designs yet, only sketches?'

‘They like what they see,' Nell said, beaming at her through the screen. ‘It also doesn't hurt that your name is quickly becoming one of the hottest new names in bridal design. And they don't just want to stock your dresses, Rae. They want to have your designs exclusively and offer their brides a custom service with you. It will be like having your own boutique within their store.'

Rae gave a gob-smacked laugh and lifted her hands to her mouth. ‘That's incredible. I can't believe it. I... I'm speechless.'

‘It's a huge opportunity, Rae. An unbelievable one. And with all the hard work you've done recently, you really do deserve it. So how do you feel about coming and living in New York for a while?'

Rae opened her mouth to reply, but no words came out. Because the reality of the offer was only just sinking in, the understanding that accepting it meant relocating. To New York.

New York.It had always seemed like such a frenetic and overwhelming place to her, never a city that she'd longed to visit, but that wasn't the foremost thought in her mind. No, at the centre of her mind was Domenico. The heart-slowing realisation that if she was in New York, she wouldn't, couldn't, be with him because his life was in Venice.

And although excitement was absolutely what she should be feeling, how could she feel any excitement in her heart about being somewhere he wasn't, when her heart so completely belonged to him?

‘I don't know,' she stammered on a nervous laugh, realising her silence had dragged on a little too long. ‘I guess I'm a little taken aback. It's a lot to take in.'

‘I know.' Nell nodded sympathetically. ‘It would be a big change for you. But they wouldn't be looking for you to be in New York until some time after the New Year, so nothing would happen immediately. You and Domenico would have plenty of time to figure things out,' she offered as an attempt at reassurance. ‘But, if you are interested, the owners would like to meet with you as soon as this week, just to talk through all the particulars and start the process moving. So think about it. It really is an incredible opportunity for you, Rae.'

‘I know,' Rae managed, her throat growing tighter by the second. ‘I'll talk to you later, okay.'

Ending the call, she dropped the phone onto the desk and sat back in her chair, her teeth nibbling on the inside of her lip as thoughts sifted through her mind at a mile a minute.

It was, as Nell had said, an incredible offer. Perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And it would give Rae everything she wanted. Success. Security. Something that could sustain her should the worst ever happen. There would be no need for her to worry any longer about falling into that black abyss. She should be thrilled, overjoyed. A month ago, she knew she would have leapt to accept it without a second thought, but now...now there was Domenico to think about too.

There was her and Domenico.

They had finally reached the place in their relationship that she had always wanted, she thought, her heart racing with renewed feeling. They were poised on the edge of their own opportunity to start over and, as frightening as that was, as much as she had spent all day fretting about it, there was a part of Rae that wanted exactly that. To spend her life with him. To build a family with him. To be there when he was struggling, to share in his success and share hers with him. Everything meant so much more with him. Just last night she had fallen asleep with images of the life they could build together swimming before her eyes.

She believed wholeheartedly that they could make their marriage successful this time. They had both grown so much, changed in so many ways, big and small, that she had no doubt that they could make their lives together work, managing their marriage and their careers.

But if she went to New York, none of that would be possible. Everything between them would be severed. The possibility, the hope, the connection they had both fought to forge.

But you wouldn't have to live in fear of losing him, you wouldn't have to feel scared and vulnerable. You'd feel strong and safe and successful.

Her heart skipped several beats, tempted by that possibility, except...

She wouldn't have Domenico and if she didn't have Domenico, she wouldn't have her heart. She would only be half alive.

A glimmer of movement caught the corner of her eye and Rae looked up, her heart ramming straight into her ribs as she saw Domenico's reflection in the mirror, standing in the doorway.

For the longest moment she was frozen, a thudding fear pulsing behind her breastbone as she stared at him, trying desperately to read his face, to gauge how much he had heard and what thoughts were running through his mind. Had he already jumped to the conclusion that he was being abandoned again? Was that why his face was set that way, so flat and unreadable, his eyes as dark as night? Were his wounds tearing themselves open again?

She turned quickly. ‘How long have you been standing there?'

He didn't move, and that stillness strummed at her nerves, making them jangle with ominous feeling. ‘Long enough.'

She swallowed. ‘Did you hear all of my conversation with Nell?'

‘Most of it, yes.'

It was difficult to speak over the panic hammering in her throat and chest, but she managed to do so. She took a slow step towards him, scared of moving too quickly, as if he were an animal that could startle.

‘Then you know I didn't commit to anything. I wouldn't do that without talking to you.'

‘Nell said the job wouldn't begin until the New Year,' he said without any inflection and that flatness made her unease mount even higher. ‘Our arrangement ends well before Christmas, Rae. You don't need my agreement on whatever you do after that.'

She blinked, stunned by his words. Why he was saying that? As if her future was no concern of his, of no interest to him? It made no sense to her, especially not after everything they'd shared last night, after the beautiful way they had given all of themselves to one another and in doing so blasted open a door to their future.

‘I don't need it, no,' she agreed, frowning and picking her following words with care. ‘But I would like it. I would like to talk about it with you. To know where you stand, how you feel.'

To know that you love me as much as I love you. To know that you are in this as deeply as I am and that you want me to stay and be your wife. To know that you believe we can make our relationship work this time, that you too believe we are stronger and better than the people we were before.

He looked at her directly, but the eyes staring back at her did not belong to the man she had come to know over the past seventy-two hours. Not the eyes that had looked deep into hers as he had moved slowly inside her last night, sealing their emotional bond with the sharpest and sweetest physical joining of her life. Not the eyes of the man who had stroked her hair back from her face as they'd lain face to face afterwards.

‘I think you should accept the offer and go to New York,' he responded without a single beat of hesitation, and Rae could only stare back at him harder, nonplussed and sure, certain, that she had misheard him.

Domenico thought that saying the words would break him. That forcing them out of his mouth would cause him to shatter into pieces, or at least be struck by a bolt of lightning because they were such a big lie. But they flowed from his lips without a single tremor and, once they had, he felt a brief sense of relief, because he knew the hardest part was over. He had started down the path. Now he just had to keep going.

Because he owed Rae this. The freedom to follow her rainbow to the end and find the success and happiness that awaited her there. It was what she wanted, after all. What she wanted—and needed—more than anything. And he had denied her too much and failed her in too many ways already to allow her to turn down the opportunity.

For a large part of the day that was all he had been able to think about—the poor husband he'd been. Grappling with a profound sense of guilt, Domenico had questioned if his mistakes would be too great to be overcome, if his and Rae's past would prevent them from reaching the brighter future he knew with absolute unflinching certainty that he wanted with her. He'd known it as soon as he'd woken that morning, drained from his emotional outpouring of the night before, but with that weight of the past lifted from him, all the murkiness and insecurity bled out of him, he'd felt a freedom and clarity unlike anything he'd known before. And his every thought, every skip of his heart, had been for Rae.

He loved her. He always had. He'd just been so lost in the darkness of his thoughts that he hadn't been able to realise it. Elena had been right. Rae was the only one for him. She did make him the best version of himself. She had healed him. Because of her, standing beside him the whole time, telling him it was okay, reminding him that he was safe, assuring him that he was not what he feared, he had finally found the strength to face his painful past and at long last been able to view it, not through the eyes of a shaken and hurt little boy, but a man who understood that people were complex and flawed.

Because of Rae, he finally understood that love was not contained in a single act of claiming or acceptance. It was something that was given and felt day in, day out in a thousand small ways. And, adopted by her or not, that was the way Elena had loved him. And the way Rae had loved him too.

Beautiful, wonderful, incredible Rae.

It was because of how wonderful she was that he knew he had to say those words again and tell her to go to New York. Because it was what she deserved, but she was so generous of heart and so used to putting others before herself that she was already hesitating to seize it.

Because of them. Him.

He'd listened to her reaction to the news, heard her uncertainty about relocating to New York, and with a sharp twist of his heart and gut had realised that she was veering on the edge of turning the offer down. And he couldn't allow her to do that.

Rae had already sacrificed so much for him. She had given up everything she'd ever known and worked for to start a life with him in Venice, a sacrifice that he hadn't appreciated at the time, but he did now. And then she had denied her own wants and needs so as not to upset him.

Standing in her way again was not an option. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't.

No matter how much he wanted to hold on tight to her, to keep her with him for ever, never again would he be the one to hold her back, not when the emotional cost to her would be so very high.

‘I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly,' Rae breathed out quickly.

Domenico knew that she had heard him, but he repeated himself anyway, forcing himself to ignore that pain in her blue eyes and the weight hurting his chest.

‘I said that I think you should accept the job in New York.'

She looked bewildered, her forehead creasing, her eyes crinkling as they narrowed disbelievingly. ‘Why are saying that?'

‘Because you asked for my opinion. And that's what I think you should do. It sounds like it's an amazing opportunity for you.'

‘But if I take it, it would mean I would be living in New York, Domenico. Permanently. I wouldn't be here. We...we wouldn't be able to be together.'

Domenico kept a tight check on his emotions. He had to, or the words he really wanted to say would spill right out of him. Only he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't dwell on the empty landscape that awaited him without her. He had to let her go. Whatever that meant for him afterwards was something he would just have to deal with.

He nodded blankly. ‘I understand. But we won't be together in the New Year anyway. We'll be divorced by then, remember?' he said, his voice cool and calm and sounding like it belonged to someone else. ‘Our arrangement only lasts for six months, Rae.'

‘Our arrangement?' she exclaimed. ‘Domenico, nothing that has happened in the last few days has been about the stupid charade I agreed to! The things we've shared with each other, everything we talked about last night—that was all real. You can't tell me it didn't mean anything, that it hasn't altered anything between us.'

‘No, I won't deny that,' he agreed. ‘Last night changed many things. I think we understand one another far better than we ever did. But one night doesn't fix a broken-down marriage, tesoro. And if last night revealed anything, it's that we both want and need different things from a relationship. Things we can't get from each other.'

She was shaking her head indignantly, colour rising in her cheeks, and she was all the more beautiful for it. He longed to reach out, place his fingers against her skin, feel that delicious combination of silk and heat.

‘No. You don't mean that,' she whispered. And then in a stronger voice, ‘I don't believe you.'

‘Have you ever known me to say anything that I don't mean, Rae?' he parried calmly.

‘So that's just it?' she demanded of him. ‘None of this has meant anything to you? You're just happy to walk away from this? From us?'

He shoved his hands into his pockets, to keep himself from reaching out for her, and faced her with a sigh. ‘There is no us, Rae. Our marriage stopped being real a long time ago. This has just been a way to...close the door for good.'

It was in that moment that she faltered, his purposely cruel words cracking her spirit and her willingness to fight. He watched the colour in her eyes and cheeks fade, watched her start to splinter inside, and he wanted so badly to go to her, but he held himself firm. Held himself back. Weakening was not an option, not when her happiness was at stake.

‘You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.' She looked away, placing a hand against her chest. ‘If you'll excuse me, I would like to be alone. I need to call Nell back and make arrangements for my trip to New York.'

Nodding and turning away, Domenico sucked in a silent breath that caused his heart and lungs to burn. He'd achieved what he wanted, but there was no sense of triumph in it, only misery.