CHAPTER EIGHT

DOMENICOBARELYSAID ten words to Rae for the rest of the journey.

He was silent as they disembarked the plane and settled into the waiting car, a silence that continued as they made the journey from the airport to the villa on the northern tip of the island. When the car rolled through the large gates marking the entrance to the private and luxurious estate and Rae turned to him to comment on that striking first impression, she received only a distracted murmur in response and their arrival at their villa—a sprawling two-storeyed, white-and-glass-walled modern construction with access to a private slice of beach—elicited little more from him.

Now she was moving through the mundane motions of unpacking her case in a desperate effort to banish the edginess jangling in her body and mind. But, no matter what she did, she still felt...rattled.

They'd finally had the conversation that Rae had run away to avoid having and it had been as uncomfortable and unsettling as she had feared it would be, forcing her to speak her truth and exposing all the fissures and fault lines than had run through their relationship. And now the matter of their marriage, which had felt like a closed book, felt very much alive and present again, with all those truths colouring the air and mood between them.

She hadn't thought it would be easy, but she also hadn't been truly ready for how hard it would be either. For that level of honesty and frankness between them, or the way they had put their marriage under a microscope for inspection and dissection. It was brand-new territory for them and to Rae it was terrifying, having to pry herself apart to get to the heart of the matter. She'd always considered herself quite an open person, but once again she was realising just how inept she had been, and possibly still was, at divulging her innermost thoughts and feelings. The discomfort churning in her stomach at that realisation about herself was substantial, because she'd harboured so much frustration and resentment towards Domenico for his unwillingness to let her in emotionally, but she was guilty of the same failing. She hadn't let him know her feelings, her scars and insecurities, had she? And, rather than divulge them to him, she had packed her bags and fled!

She hadn't even been as honest as she could have been—or should have been—in that conversation. Yes, she had bared more of herself than she had in the past, but she had not told him everything. She had not opened up about her mother and how affected she'd been by her husband's death, the deep depression she'd sunk into and never emerged from. And until Domenico knew that part of Rae's story, how could any of her actions make sense to him?

But baring that to him would require letting him in even further to her heart and soul, a prospect that was heart-stoppingly frightening. Because then he would know her in a way that no one else did. He would know all of her, even the broken places deep inside her.

Her anxiety levels spiking at the thought of generating such intimacy with him, Rae rose from the edge of the bed and wandered out onto the balcony, grateful for the gentle caress of the cool evening air against her too warm skin. Resting her arms atop the slim ledge, she closed her eyes, pleading with her body to settle down, but the peace was disturbed by the slap and splash of water.

Peering downwards towards the infinity pool, she saw Domenico slicing through the water, the span of his arms large and strong, his broad body a flash of bronzed gold in the clear water. Her body coiled, tensing with the rush of heated feeling, and Rae looked harder, wanting to see more of him, her heart kicking in her chest and, just like that, the memory of last night, of that solid body pressed up against hers, whipped through her mind, making her head whirl.

She imagined herself going down to him, quietly slipping off her clothes and joining him in the pool, letting the water carry her towards him until they were body to body, flesh against flesh. Until there was just the simplicity of desire, the complexity of all other emotions banished.

Alarmed by the force of the need pressing in on her, Rae hastily drew back into the shadows. That would be a very bad idea indeed. She wasn't there to relight anything and she didn't need to get in even deeper than she already was. What she needed was to remain detached enough to walk away intact at the end of the six months. So if Domenico was wounded and annoyed, maybe the wisest thing was to allow it, to let the issue wedge itself between them and prevent any further closeness.

But...her conscience prompted.

But...didn't he deserve a full explanation? Wasn't it only fair to both of them to clear the air completely, so that they could put the past to bed and move on? Based on the mess they were currently in, hiding her thoughts and feelings hadn't worked out well in the past, and as long as she concealed that piece of her past from him, wouldn't she remain uneasy, troubled by her cowardice?

She'd agreed to the arrangement to prove that she had changed and grown as a person, and perhaps learning to be more comfortable speaking her emotional truth was part of that journey too. And she could hardly continue to bemoan Domenico's emotional secrecy if she wasn't willing to be unreservedly honest herself. Even if the thought of letting him know her that deeply, that intimately, was absolutely terrifying...

But there was no time like the present, she decided and, without giving it another moment's thought, she turned and started down the steps towards the pool.

The swim had been a good idea.

Powering through length after length of the infinity pool had eased the spinning of Domenico's mind, and helped him to wrestle the demons and insecurities back into the box they'd sprung free from following all of Rae's startling revelations.

As he rested his arms against the edge and admired the glorious view as the sun disappeared into the horizon and painted the sky with streaks of sunset pink and red and wisps of fiery orange, he felt much calmer and in far better control of himself, which he needed to be. The outcome of the deal with Lorca was resting on the success of the weekend. There was too much at stake for him to be undone by his emotions.

And yet it was not the all-important deal that his mind chose to focus on as he relished those moments of the evening quiet. It was Rae. And their marriage. And all the ways he had screwed up.

He was a man capable of admitting to his mistakes. Elena had instilled in him the virtues of accountability and when he was wrong he could acknowledge it. And he'd been wrong in his marriage to Rae, neglecting her emotionally.

Every complaint she'd sent his way had been deserved. She'd had no reason to believe that he would support her aspirations because he'd never shown any interest in that part of her life. Never had he enquired about her dreams or ambitions for the future. He'd known she'd loved her job in London, but not once had he encouraged her to find a similar role in Venice.

Why hadn't he? Because he hadn't thought to. Hadn't cared to.

He mentally cursed himself again, the newfound awareness ravaging him in the same way it had on the plane. Over and over again he'd mulishly argued that there'd been nothing wrong in their marriage and that Rae had had no good reason to walk out on him, but the opposite was true. He had let her down in so many ways.

And he hadn't even realised that it was happening.

Hearing the patter of footsteps behind him, Domenico turned to look over his shoulder, his body tightening as his eyes landed on Rae walking around the edge of the pool. Her feet were bare, her hair was hanging down in loose waves and she wore the same white trousers and blue blouse that she'd travelled in. Heat raced through his veins as his eyes followed her. There was no point ordering himself to look away. He knew he wouldn't. Couldn't.

There was no way to escape his feelings for her. No matter what had happened in the past, he wanted her with a heat that could not be quelled or contained.

‘Can we talk?' she asked, coming to a stop, and as he read the solemn set of her expression, his mood darkened momentarily.

‘Haven't we dredged up enough of the past for one day, Rae?'

‘It will only take a few seconds,' she responded, shooting him a look that signalled she would not be deterred and he knew that, fired by her new grit and determination, she would not be.

‘Bene.'He placed his hands on the side of the pool and levered himself out, completely naked. He reached for his towel, wrapping it around his waist before turning back to Rae. But as he did so he caught her widening stare, full of wonder and hunger.

She wiped her expression clear and started to speak. ‘I want to apologise to you. Since our conversation, I've not been able to stop thinking about everything that happened between us and I realised it was wrong of me to run away. It was cowardly and unfair. I should have talked to you, told you what I was feeling and thinking. However hard it seemed to be, I should have tried, at the very least. And I'm truly sorry that I didn't, and that it's taken me this long to apologise.'

‘Thank you for saying that,' he said, his voice quiet as he absorbed the depth of emotion in her expression. But she was not the only one who had been engaged in some serious self-reflection and although he could sense there was more she had to say, he couldn't allow her to go a second longer feeling that she bore sole responsibility for the demise of their relationship, so he pressed on. ‘But what you said about me on the plane...you weren't wrong. I did like having you by my side all the time and I wouldn't have wanted that to change.' He lifted his shoulders, trying to loosen his thoughts. ‘I wasn't trying to restrict your life, Rae, or you. I didn't even think of it in those terms. I was only thinking that I didn't want to lose that sense of complete belonging that I had with you. Because I'd never had that feeling before. I'd never felt like I belonged anywhere or to anyone.' His mouth was dry with the effort of speaking those words, those feelings dragged from the closed-off heart of him.

But Rae had every right to know why he had behaved as he had, where his ignorance and incompetence had stemmed from. He wanted her to understand. He wanted to understand it too and by the way she was hanging on his every word, whatever she had been on the verge of saying forgotten, he knew she was just as eager for that explanation.

‘Did you feel that way because of the situation with your biological parents? Because you weren't raised by them?' she asked tentatively, as if she were tiptoeing across a minefield, expecting an explosion at any second.

Was that really what he'd done to her? Made her think she couldn't ask him anything? Fresh recrimination speared him, sharp and deep.

His nod was quick, an admission he didn't want to make and yet knew he had to. He had to start making amends, undoing these patterns that he hadn't known existed but that had proved so destructive. Moving to one of the nearby loungers, he sat down, gesturing for Rae to do the same.

‘I was only a few days old when my mother abandoned me. She left me on the doorstep of Palazzo Ricci for someone inside to find.' He heard Rae's shocked intake of breath, but carried on. If he looked at her, if he paused, he wasn't sure he'd be able to continue. The only way for him to get through this was to keep going. ‘She hadn't given me a name. She hadn't registered my birth. On my birth certificate it just says genitori ignoti—parents unknown. I've never been able to find out who my father is and my mother, whose identity I obviously did know, didn't want any connection with me.' His heart burned uncomfortably with that admission. ‘I had no sense of belonging to anything, or anyone, not the way most children do. I had Elena and all the love she gave, and for that I was lucky, but she wasn't my mother and I always knew that. I was always aware that I didn't belong to her in that traditional sense and other children were very good at making me even more aware of that.'

And the steps that could have been taken to instil him with that security and sense of belonging had never been actioned. He didn't hold that against Elena. She had given him so much, but that additional piece of paper would have offered him a lot too. Instead, he'd grown up always feeling unsure—denied and rejected by one family and always fearful that it could happen again because there was nothing official, nothing legal, binding him to Elena. The first time he'd felt completely secure in a relationship, he realised with a jolt, was when he'd met Rae.

She'd been so open and giving of herself, so wholehearted in her acceptance of him. He'd liked how everything she felt was written across her face, how her arms opened to him whenever he walked in the room, the eagerness of her kisses. He'd felt so certain of her love for him.

Maybe that had been the driving force behind his whirlwind proposal, why he'd felt that loosening of feeling around her, why he'd been so impatient to marry her. Because all along he'd been clinging to that rarefied feeling, having finally found what he'd spent his whole life hungering for. Love and acceptance and belonging. And he'd wanted it legal and binding before it could be taken away.

Rae was quiet, absorbing the overwhelming weight of all that he had shared as the darkness swelled around them, cocooning them in its mystical embrace. When she did open her mouth to speak, he was expecting sympathy and platitudes but she just smiled sadly across at him.

‘If only we could have found our way to talking like this four months ago,' she said wistfully.

‘Would it have made a difference?' Domenico asked, unsure why he was asking the question or if he really wanted to hear the answer.

Her lips twisted as she thought about it. ‘I'm not sure. Maybe. Knowing that we had the ability to talk things through would have helped me to feel a lot surer about our relationship. That we could have the big conversations. And I like talking to you, hearing the sound of your voice.'

‘You didn't like the way we spent the time not talking?'

Her burst of laughter was quick and genuine. ‘I had no problem with that. The physical side of our marriage was never in question. That was always incredible.' Her eyes glowed with the memory and her accompanying smile was almost shy. ‘It's probably why I let myself be distracted by it so many times, because it was so good. Because it was in those moments, lying in your arms, that I felt closest to you. But it shouldn't have been a substitute. It wasn't. It's not.'

He heaved out a sigh, feeling the reproach. ‘I'm not a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, Rae. I never pretended to be.'

‘I know you didn't. But I thought that after we were married you would lower those walls a little, show me some more of yourself. That you would talk to me about...anything. Everything. The way my parents did.' She hugged her arms around herself, smiling nostalgically as she thought of them the way she always did, with that mix of happiness and hurt. ‘I used to listen to them after we'd gone to bed. In the summer I'd leave my windows open and they'd be outside and I'd drift off to sleep to the sound of their voices. My mum talking about whatever naughty thing Maggie had done that day, my dad telling her about work. I stupidly assumed all marriages would be like that, and that ours would be too,' she confessed and Domenico felt a twist in his chest that he'd ruined such a simple dream. ‘I didn't understand the amount of work that went into getting to that place. And when you wouldn't talk to me, I saw it as a rejection of me. That you didn't want to talk about things with me, you didn't trust me. Sometimes I even wondered why you'd married me, if you'd started to regret it. That's why it hurt so much.'

‘Rae, no,' he assured her hurriedly before the words had even finished leaving her lips. ‘That couldn't be further from the truth. I trusted you more than I ever trusted anyone. Before you, I had never considered letting anyone so deeply into my life. I just...'

The sledgehammer of guilt cut off his words as he was confronted by another of his inadequacies. The way he had shut her out.

He'd never liked talking about the past because experience had taught him that no good ever came from raking up dirt and searching for skeletons. And delving into emotional waters held no appeal, because his were cold and dark and he was scared of drowning in them. He'd blocked those conversations to protect himself, but he'd failed to consider how that would be perceived by Rae. How it would make her feel. How it would affect the rest of their relationship. But he could see it now. See the walls he'd erected, the doors he'd sealed shut, locking her out completely. Domenico knew how that felt, and that he had forced her to feel that same dismissal was agonising.

‘I never meant to shut you out, Rae. To shut down our conversations. But I'm not sure that I knew how to let you in either,' he admitted with a wince of discomfort at such profound self-analysis. ‘When things have been hard, I think the way I've always dealt with them is by compressing my emotions into something small and manageable and locking them away. They're not easy doors to unlock.'

‘I think I've started to understand that about you already. And the things you've told me... I understand why you would want to bury them, keep them out of sight and out of mind.' She reached out to him, just a small touch of her fingertips against his bare knee, but he felt it everywhere. ‘You didn't deserve to be left like that, to be burdened with those feelings. And you didn't deserve to be left the way I left you either. If I caused you more pain, I'm sorry. But I appreciate everything you've chosen to tell me. I know it's not easy for you.'

It wasn't. It was like drawing poison from a wound, but if opening up earned him that soft and loving glow in her eyes, he'd gladly tell her more. Anything, to keep her staring at him in that way.

‘I'm sorry I let you down so badly.'

‘We let each other down,' she said on a sigh and, as she looked across at him, Domenico could see a tempest of emotion swirling in her eyes, threatening at any second to spill over. She chewed at the inside of her lip, deliberating about something uneasily, hovering on the edge of speaking, of telling him something he sensed was important to her, but then she just shook her head, shaking the storm from her gaze. ‘We both made mistakes.'

He wanted to tell her that his mistakes were tearing him up inside, that he'd never wanted to lose her, that if he could go back and do it all over again, he would in a heartbeat. But he didn't know how to get those words out, didn't know if it would be wise to speak them aloud, so he just reached out, curling a hand around her cheek and drawing her face close to his. He touched his mouth to hers softly, a kiss that said everything he wanted to say but couldn't. And then he let her go.

‘Did you think there was someone watching us?'

‘No,' he said with a smile. ‘That kiss was just because I wanted to kiss you.'

Her breathing changed, quickened. Heat exploded in her eyes, as if he'd set something loose inside of her, and then she asked, ‘And if I wanted to kiss you back?'

‘I wouldn't stop you.'

He wouldn't be able to stop himself. He couldn't tear his eyes from her, his hands were burning to feel her skin beneath his.

Rae moved at the same time he did, reaching out with as much urgency, so when their bodies collided and their lips fused together it was like a giant starburst, with pops of colour exploding behind his eyes and rivers of feeling pouring down his body as if a dam had broken.