CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER EIGHT

Q UIN COULDN ’ T FOCUS on the game. He missed another pass from Sol, who groaned. But Quin’s vision was filled with a pair of long, shapely pale legs, expertly dribbling the ball to the goal, followed in hot pursuit by Sol.

Sadie was wearing short denim shorts and a loose T-shirt, which she’d not long before carelessly tied up into a knot at her waist, revealing the smooth skin of her back and lower belly. Her hair was pulled up into a messy knot, tendrils escaping. No make-up, just a sweaty face.

Something in Quin’s chest ached, and he absently put his hand there, as if he could soothe it. He realised that in this moment Sadie looked more or less exactly as he remembered her when they’d first met. But that had been before she’d walked away from him and her newborn son and all the good memories had become toxic.

And yet...as much as he’d love to cling on to that outrage and anger, as he had for the last few years, cultivating it like a cold, hard diamond in his chest, he knew he couldn’t. Not now that he knew . Not now that his friend had told him Sadie had had nothing to do with the gang. She’d been an unwitting bystander, caught in the crossfire. Living on the run to stay safe. To stay alive.

Quin still couldn’t quite grasp the full significance of what that had meant for her.

At that moment the ball landed at his feet, but before he could react Sadie was hurtling towards him and colliding with him full force, driving him backwards.

He landed with an oof , and with Sadie still welded to his body, because he’d automatically put his arms around her. There wasn’t a point where they didn’t touch. Thigh to thigh, hip to hip, chest to chest. And also, as Sadie drew her head back slowly, breathing harshly, practically mouth to mouth.

‘I’m sorry,’ she gasped. ‘I thought you were going to move.’

But Quin hardly heard her. All he could see were those blue-green eyes. His son’s eyes.

A rogue thought popped into his head: if they had another child, would it too inherit her eyes? The thought was so unexpected that Quin felt a little winded.

And then, predictably, a certain part of his anatomy started responding to Sadie’s proximity.

Her eyes widened and her cheeks went pink. She said, ‘I thought you said...’ She trailed off.

‘I said it wouldn’t happen again,’ Quin gritted out. ‘Not that I didn’t want it to.’

‘Are you gonna kiss Sadie, Papa?’

They both turned their heads at that moment, to see Sol crouching down beside them, watching with open curiosity.

He said, ‘If you want to, it’s okay. I’ve seen Maria’s papa kissing her mom.’

Immediately Quin stiffened and put his hands on Sadie’s arms, to push her up and away from him as he said, ‘No, I am not going to kiss Sadie. We just fell, that’s all.’

Sadie scrambled to her feet and Quin could see the red of her cheeks, even though he wasn’t looking straight at her. This was exactly what he wanted to avoid—confusing Sol. Although Sol had already started kicking the ball again, oblivious to the tension in the air and, it would seem, to any confusion.

Quin opened his mouth to say something, but at that moment Roberto called out from the house.

‘Dinner is ready.’

Sadie said, ‘I’ll just wash my hands first.’ And she fled towards the guesthouse.

Quin had to curb the urge to follow her and—

And what? asked a voice. Punish her for turning you on so easily by making love to her? After telling her it wouldn’t happen again?

Thoroughly flustered, frustrated, and feeling as if the ground was shifting underneath him, Quin went straight to his own room to freshen up—starting with a very cold shower.

Sadie was still trembling under the shower spray a couple of minutes later. Trembling from the way Quin’s body had felt underneath her. All hard sinew and steel and muscle and beating heart, thumping unsteadily against her chest. She’d wanted to put her head down, put her ear close to that strong beat. As she’d used to when they’d lain in bed.

Before.

And then she’d felt another part of his anatomy stirring against her, and any thoughts of listening to his heart had melted in a flash of heat. To her shame, she’d even forgotten that Sol was there, watching them. Until he’d spoken.

Quin had moved so fast to push her off him that her head was still spinning.

He did still want her. But he didn’t want to want her. Well, he’d made that clear the first time they’d made love. Disappearing like a thief in the night.

Sadie turned off the spray and stepped out of the shower, drying herself briskly and putting a towel around her head and another around her body. She went into the dressing room, but instead of gravitating towards the jeans and shirts, she found herself moving to the dresses and pulling out an olive-green silk shirt dress with a slim gold belt.

She let the towel drop and pulled on some of the new underwear—wispy pieces of silk and lace that felt far too flimsy and decadent. Frivolous... It had been a long time since she’d felt frivolous.

But she couldn’t deny that here in this place, when she was with her son at last and had told Quin the truth of what had happened, she felt lighter. Buoyant. Hopeful. In spite of the ever-present undercurrents.

She towel-dried her hair, leaving it in damp waves, and then slipped on the dress and a pair of flat sandals. She made her way up to the main house. The early evening air was warm and balmy.

When she went inside Quin and Sol were already sitting at the table.

Sol saw her and jumped up. ‘You sit here, Sadie, beside me.’

Sadie’s heart spasmed. She smiled and sat down, and only then risked a glance at Quin, whom she fully expected to be looking stern. But he wasn’t. He was looking at her with that half-arrested expression again. Like the one he’d had when he’d seen her in that dress in the shop. Which reminded her...

She said, ‘They sent over that gold evening dress with the other clothes from the boutique. It must be a mistake. I’ll pack it up so it can be sent back.’

Quin shook his head. ‘Leave it...it’s fine.’

Sadie would have protested, but Sol had started chattering as he spooned some of the delicious pasta into his mouth, and Quin reminded him not to talk with his mouth full.

Sadie let the incredibly soothing chatter of her son wash over her, making the appropriate responses when he looked at her with those wide eyes, pasta sauce around his mouth. Without thinking she took a napkin and dipped it in a glass of water, before using it to wipe his face.

Sol merrily went back to eating. Sadie looked up and saw Quin staring at her. She immediately felt self-conscious—she hadn’t even considered that maybe she didn’t have a right to touch Sol as a mother would, without thinking. But when she looked at Quin again it was as if she’d imagined it. He was smiling at Sol indulgently and her heart turned over again. She remembered that expression because he’d looked at her like that.

Before.

When they’d finished eating, Quin stood up and said to Sol, ‘Bath time and bed.’

The little boy’s lower lip protruded almost comically, but Sadie could see that the day’s activities had worn him out.

He got up and followed his father, but then stopped and came back to Sadie. ‘I had fun today. Will you play with me again tomorrow?’

Sadie smiled. ‘I’d really like that.’

Then Quin spoke. ‘Can you wait for me to put Sol to bed? I want to talk to you.’

A quiver of tension lanced Sadie’s belly. ‘Sure,’ she answered, feigning nonchalance.

Quin and Sol disappeared. But before Sadie could start clearing the table Sara came in and said, ‘Make yourself at home in the lounge, Miss Ryan. Would you like tea or coffee?’

‘No, thank you—and please call me Sadie.’

The woman smiled and got on, clearing the table with brisk efficiency.

Feeling a little redundant now that she didn’t have anything to occupy her time or justify her existence here—because being a mother to her son was still an unspoken quantity—Sadie did as she was bade and made her way into the lounge. A room she hadn’t spent much time in at all.

She surveyed it now. The soft, comfortable furnishings were very elegant, but not intimidating. She could see scuffs and marks on the furniture. Children’s books on the lowest shelves that made up one wall. All signs that a child lived here.

She crouched down and picked out one of the books. It was a classic that even she remembered: Guess How Much I Love You .

She sat down and flicked through the pages, and her vision blurred a little as she looked at the pictures and followed the story, thinking helplessly of the amount of times she’d lain in a lonely bed somewhere and wished with all her heart that Sol and Quin could feel the love she had for them.

‘I would have thought you’re a little above that reading level.’

Sadie tensed and looked up, blinking rapidly. She’d got lost in the story. She forced a smile. ‘This was one of my favourites. It’s a classic.’

‘Yes, it is. Sol loved it.’

Sadie bit her lip in case she blurted out her sad story of sending them both her love from afar for all those years.

She got up and put the book back and faced Quin. He was obviously determined to ignore the electrical current that sprang into action whenever they were close. She would do her best to ignore it too. Even though she couldn’t help but be aware of his tall, lean body encased in low-slung denim jeans and a short-sleeved polo shirt.

Again, he reminded her of the surfer boy tech nerd she’d first met. But then, he’d never actually been either of those things. She had to remember that and use it as a shield. He’d never fully trusted her.

She said, ‘You wanted to talk?’

Quin went over to a cupboard that Sadie realised was a drinks cabinet when he pulled back a sliding door.

He looked at her. ‘Drink?’

Sadie felt she might need some sustenance for whatever it was Quin wanted to talk about. ‘Sure—whatever you’re having.’

‘I’m having whisky.’

‘I’ll have a little. Maybe I’m developing a taste for it.’

Quin poured her a drink, and then one for himself, and brought over two crystal tumblers, handing her one.

‘I’ve watered it down.’

‘Thank you.’ Sadie accepted the glass and took a sip. It didn’t taste as strong as it had last night. It trickled down into her stomach and sent out a warming glow.

Quin faced her, and after a moment said baldly, ‘I know you’re telling the truth.’

Something bubbled up inside Sadie: relief.

Quin went on. ‘I spoke to a friend of mine. He owns a security company and I asked him to verify what you told me.’

The bubble of relief burst. So Quin hadn’t come to believe she was telling the truth because he trusted her. He’d had her story verified. But she’d more or less instructed him to do that, so she shouldn’t really be feeling hurt.

‘What did he tell you?’ she asked, as if there wasn’t a great gaping chasm opening up in her chest.

‘He confirmed what you told me. He told me the gang were notoriously dangerous. He told me that you were an unfortunate victim, in the wrong place at the wrong time. He also told me that one of them appeared in Sao Paulo as recently as last year.’

Sadie could almost feel the blood rushing out of her head before dizziness took hold.

Quin was by her side in a second, taking her arm and saying, ‘Sit down.’ He cursed softly as she did so, and said, ‘I shouldn’t have told you that.’

Sadie had gone cold all over at the thought of one of those odious men here. So close to Quin and Sol in spite of everything she’d done. Her huge sacrifice. Her hand gripped the glass.

Quin crouched beside her. ‘Take a sip of your drink.’

He took the glass out of her hand and held it to her mouth. Sadie obediently opened her lips and let him pour some of the alcohol into her mouth. Her eyes watered a little, but the drink revived her.

Quin put the glass on a table and she looked at him. ‘Now can you see? They were actually here! Looking for me! What if they’d found out who you were? Everything I’d done would have been for nothing—’

‘Claude has assured me that there were no links to me or Sol. We weren’t officially married, and Sol was registered with my name when he was born.’

‘Yes, of course. Thank God...’ breathed Sadie. Then she asked, ‘Did your friend say if there was still any danger? The detectives in London told me that every threat was gone, but I feel like I can’t ever fully relax.’

Quin moved back to sit on the edge of a couch, near the chair. Their knees were almost touching. Sadie ached to reach for Quin and climb onto his lap. Just have him hold her, tightly, making her feel nothing could harm her, as he used to, before her memory had returned and she’d run... The more she thought about it now the surer she was that she must have known of the threat in some dim recess of her damaged memory and she’d relished his ability to make her feel safe. But inevitably their close contact would lead to far more incendiary things than feeling safe...

‘Claude has assured me that anyone who would have wanted to see you...’ Quin faltered.

‘It’s okay,’ Sadie said. ‘You can say it. See me gone . I lived with it for four years.’

His jaw clenched. The fact that he was obviously having trouble saying it out loud—that she could have been killed—provided her with some level of vindication. But it was small.

Quin went on. ‘He assured me there’s no threat, but I’ve asked him to make absolutely sure of that. He’ll let me know if he finds anything.’

‘Thank you,’ said Sadie.

For the first time in four years she had someone else who knew. Who cared. Except Quin didn’t care about her...

She shook her head. ‘You don’t have to do that—it must be costing a fortune.’

Quin stood up and moved towards one of the windows, hands in his pockets. He turned back and his mouth was quirked up slightly. That tiny hint of lightness was enough to take Sadie’s breath away.

He said, ‘Yes, Claude is expensive, but he’s thorough.’ Then the quirk in his mouth disappeared. He was serious. ‘There’s no way I won’t make sure that you’re safe. You’re Sol’s mother. He’s lost you once. I won’t let that happen again.’

Emotion was back, swelling inside Sadie’s chest. She fought it down, not wanting Quin to see how vulnerable she felt. ‘Thank you...for saying that. After losing my own parents and spending so much time in foster care, the last thing I would want is to put Sol through losing me again.’

Quin turned and faced her fully. ‘You said you were adopted after your parents died?’

Sadie nodded. ‘Until I was five. But then the marriage broke down, and neither one could afford to keep me, so they sent me back into care. I was in foster homes until I left school.’

‘How was that?’

Sadie looked at Quin and then quickly looked away again. She felt exposed. ‘It wasn’t ideal... No matter how nice the families were, it was always very apparent that I didn’t belong to them. They were mostly kind, though. I was one of the lucky ones. Some foster kids have much worse experiences than me.’

‘“ Mostly kind”?’

Sadie repressed a shiver. ‘There was one home...where the son was a few years older than me. He came into my room one night but his mother caught him. I was moved within a week.’

‘Sadie...’

She looked up and saw that Quin was pale.

‘You were almost—’

‘Nothing happened,’ she said quickly, trying to forget about that moment when the teenager had been looming over her in her bed. She could still remember the terror robbing her of her voice. She took another sip of her drink to try and calm herself.

Quin asked, ‘After everything you’d experienced, weren’t you tempted to take Sol with you when you left?’

Sadie put down the glass and stood up too. The traumatic memory of those days after giving birth was never too far away. She’d been so exhausted, and full of raging hormones and instincts—chief of which were to clamp her baby to her chest and never let him go.

‘Of course I wanted to take him—it went against everything in my body to leave him behind. But then I remembered watching that man execute someone right in front of me. As if it was nothing. The easiest thing in the world. The man was begging for his life and my boss just...shot him. I knew that if he ever found me a baby would be nothing to him. No deterrent. That’s what stopped me from taking him. And knowing that he would be with you. I trusted you, Quin. I knew you’d be a good father.’

And I loved you. I still love you.

She didn’t say those words, even though they were high in her chest, begging to spill out. She would always love this man—even like this, when things had changed so irrevocably between them. But she knew he wouldn’t appreciate hearing it now. Maybe never.

‘I knew you’d be a good father.’

The way Sadie had just said that with such conviction, as if there had never been any doubt in her mind... It robbed Quin of breath for a moment. She’d already told him she thought he was a good father, but this was different. She’d not hesitated to leave their days-old baby with him, and he was only fully appreciating the significance of that now.

Up until he’d held tiny Sol in his arms he’d not really understood how on earth he could be a father, not having experienced that bond with his own. He hadn’t shared his fears with Sadie, too ashamed to admit that he might not be able to do it.

But as soon as the soft, vulnerable weight of his son had been handed to him his knees had almost buckled with the weight of love and awe slamming into him. He’d made a vow to love and protect his child with every atom of his being.

The fact that she must have felt that too, and yet she’d walked away from her baby, made Quin say now, ‘I haven’t acknowledged how hard it must have been for you.’

She looked at him from across the room, and even now, in the midst of this conversation, he was supremely aware of how strong her pull was. She’d changed for dinner into a silk shirt dress, and all evening he’d been aware of the way the belt encircled her narrow waist. Of the buttons, open to the point where he could just make out the shadow of her cleavage. He’d imagined her breasts encased in silk and lace...felt his body responding against his will.

He could still feel the weight of her body on his when they’d collided earlier. The press of her breasts against him. Her breath on his mouth. He’d ached for her. For four years...

She was shaking her head now, and saying with tell-tale huskiness, ‘It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’

Quin resisted the effect her voice had on him. ‘It’s a lot to take in. To undo four years of suspecting you’d just walked out on a selfish whim.’

Sadie let out a surprised sound, halfway between a laugh and a sob. She put a hand to her mouth and then took it down again. Shaking her head, she said, ‘It couldn’t have been further from “a selfish whim”. There were so many moments when I almost turned around and came back, telling myself that one more day wouldn’t hurt. All I wanted to do was confide in you, have you tell me it would be okay...but I knew that was selfish and potentially fatal.’

Quin had a sensation that he was free-falling into a massive void with nothing to hold on to. There was no escaping it now, he could no longer cling to the anger and the rage that had felt so justifiable for so long. In the absence of any explanation. Now he knew . But, if anything, it didn’t seem to make things feel clearer or easier—things felt more complicated.

You loved her and she hurt you in the worst way possible. She walked out on you just like your mother did.

He had loved her. Much as he might have tried to deny it since her return. He’d loved her more than he’d believed it possible to love another human being. But that love was gone. And even though she might have had very compelling reasons for leaving him and Sol, he knew he would never be able to trust her enough to revive those feelings. Falling for her had shown him how vulnerable he still was, and he’d vowed never to allow himself to be vulnerable like that again.

The attraction that had driven him to her the other night...the attraction he still felt...was borne out of frustration and anger. But surely that volatile mix would lose its potency now that he had all the facts?

Because the thought of allowing himself to cleave so fully to Sadie again was...frankly terrifying. And she was looking at him now as if she could see all the way into his head. He had to push her back, establish boundaries, find a path forward so they could co-exist and parent their son.

Before he could say another word, though, Sadie was speaking. ‘It’s been a long day and I’m tired. I think I’ll say goodnight.’

Immediately Quin felt remorse. What was it about this woman that scrambled his brain so effectively?

‘Of course. We can talk again about where we go from here.’

She looked about as eager for that conversation as he was. She just nodded and left, and Quin watched her slim, pale legs through the window as she walked down the garden. She cut a lonely figure, and he couldn’t help but think of the life she’d lived—essentially on her own, always.

He could empathise. Even though he’d grown up within a family, he’d always felt somehow apart. He’d had no mother and a distant father who hadn’t been his father at all. A brother who had been invested in taking over the family business. He couldn’t even blame his brother, because they’d never really been encouraged to bond.

Quin had to curb the very strong urge to follow Sadie.

And do what? asked a voice. Make love to her again and muddy the waters even more?

Quin turned away from the view of Sadie disappearing into the trees. No. The attraction would fade. He needed to put down boundaries but he also needed to think about the best way to move forward while incorporating Sadie into their lives.

Sadie had had to leave quickly. The air between her and Quin after that conversation had been taut with tension and a million swirling things. The attraction she’d felt, and the need for him to touch her and take her into his arms, had been so overwhelming that she’d been terrified he’d see it on her face, or she’d blurt something out...

She’d not really felt tired when she’d used that as an excuse to leave, but a wave of weariness moved through her now. It had been a tumultuous twenty-four hours.

Clearly it was going to take time for Quin to absorb all this. She could understand that. She’d had four years to deal with it every day and she still couldn’t quite believe what she’d had to do, or how she’d had to live.

But hopefully, after tonight, they could leave the past behind and start to move on. To where, Sadie had no idea. But as long as she got to be a mother to her son—that was the most important thing.

Yet when she went to sleep that night, her dreams were filled with images of her and Quin at the beach house. And when she woke the next morning her cheeks were damp from shed tears and her heart was sore.

‘I have to go to San Francisco tomorrow, for a conference where I’m a keynote speaker. I’m taking Sol and Lena—she has a daughter there, so it’s an opportunity for her to pay her a visit too. You’re welcome to come with us.’

Sadie looked across the lunch table at Quin. It was the weekend, and Sol was outside kicking a football around with some friends who had come to play. She’d been enjoying the banal domesticity of it all after the intensity of the previous day and evening, but now her insides clenched a little.

She couldn’t read Quin’s expression. Did he want her to come? After all that had transpired?

‘I don’t mind staying behind if you want to have some time with Sol on your own.’

As much as she would have loved to suggest leaving Sol here so she could look after him, she knew that would be a step too far, too soon.

‘Actually,’ he said, ‘I have a favour to ask.’

Sadie blinked. She could do something for Quin?

‘Of course. What is it?’

He made a face. ‘There’s a social event that I have to host. I set up a charity foundation a few years ago, to help kids from disadvantaged backgrounds get scholarships into tech courses. But every year the speculation about my relationship status, or lack thereof, overshadows the work of the charity. I could do with a date.’

Sadie blinked again. ‘You’re asking me to be your date?’

Her silly heartrate went up a notch.

‘If you don’t mind?’

Sadie was confused. ‘But... I thought I’d be the last person you’d want to be associated with?’

‘There’s a little more to it... I think we need to tell Sol who you are. He’s already growing attached to you, and he’ll start to get confused. I thought it might do no harm for us to be seen in public together. We can put out a statement saying that you are Sol’s mother, and then we can suggest at a later date that our brief reunion is over. But by then it’ll be established that you are Sol’s mother, and hopefully the story will die a quick death in the social columns.’

This was almost too much for Sadie to take in. She stood up from the lunch table and started to pace back and forth. She tried to articulate her tangled thoughts.

‘So...we’ll appear in public? Pretending we’re together?’

She looked at Quin and he nodded.

‘But what will we say when they ask where I’ve been?’

Quin shrugged lightly. ‘As little as possible. We won’t suggest that you haven’t been in Sol’s life...we’ll keep it vague. If anyone looks you up they won’t find much—just like we didn’t when we looked you up after you lost your memory. I’ve been largely off the social scene’s radar, living here in Sao Paulo, so for all they know you could have been here all the time—just not with me.’

So, Sol would know who she was... That made Sadie’s heart expand with a mixture of joy and trepidation. What if he didn’t like the idea of her being his mother? And what about the other stuff? Appearing in public as Quin’s girlfriend? Lover? Partner? Only to be excised ‘at a later date’...

But could she really complain? As he said, this would establish her as Sol’s mother. It would put her firmly in his life. If not Quin’s life.

It would be easy for Quin to keep Sadie at a distance. But he wasn’t doing that. He was giving her a chance to step into their world and take her place there. This was huge.

She looked at him. He was sitting back in his chair, long legs spread under the table, one arm across the back of the chair beside him. Supremely relaxed. As if he wasn’t wielding a high level of control over her life like some kind of a puppeteer.

He frowned a little as he registered her lack of response and leaned forward, taking his arm down. ‘I thought this would be what you wanted?’

Sadie clasped her hands. ‘It is . I want Sol to know who I am—and thank you for that... I want everyone to know. But it’s just a little daunting...the thought of being thrust centre-stage after four years of being anonymous and living in the shadows.’ She shook her head. ‘I’ve dreamt of this moment for so long... I thought it might never come. But now it’s here it’s just a little overwhelming.’

An expression Sadie couldn’t decipher crossed Quin’s face, and then he said a little sheepishly, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t really take all that fully into consideration. If you’d prefer to wait until another time—?’

‘No,’ Sadie said quickly, terrified of letting this moment slip out of her grasp. ‘I’ve spent four years in purgatory. I can do this.’