29. Kai

Chapter twenty-nine

Kai

Thursday, December 26, 2024

M y hands have stopped shaking, but my leg still occasionally bounces under the long wooden table as we sit with assorted desserts sprawled out in front of us.

Having Lea and Liam seated on either side of me helps settle my nerves, but I still can’t shake the anxiety at being in this home with a little sister and stepmom I hadn’t even known existed. Not only that, but I haven’t seen my father since I was ten. Nothing about this situation is reassuring at first glance, but they’ve all been unbelievably welcoming since the moment I stepped through the doors with two guests I hadn’t even remembered to ask about bringing.

I don't think there's anything that could accurately explain the way I'm feeling right now as I look across the table, my eyes set on my father, a man I spent most of my life believing had walked out on me. A man who I resemble in so many ways.

The reality of having grown up in a home with a mom who, maybe even unknowingly, perpetuated the harmful, disturbing, and downright wrong stereotype that Black men walk out on their children doesn't evade me. Because of her, I missed out on seventeen years with a man who could've helped me handle my teenage years better, who could've made me feel safe in my own skin .

For years, I've thought he simply hadn't wanted me or my mom. I felt unloved and unwanted for so much of my childhood that it carried through my adulthood too. And as much as I want to be angry, hell, I wish I could feel the resentment I know most people would, I just can't.

Because at the end of the day, when I think about my mom, my mind is filled with the years she spent battling a mental health condition that she was never equipped to fight. And through it all, she somehow managed to fill our crappy, tiny trailer with love and laughter when her mind was clear enough. So instead, I'm holding onto the thought that she really had believed she was doing the right thing when she kicked him out and that maybe she regrets it too.

"I don't tell you this because I want you to resent your mom," Jamal, my dad, says, a small line drawn between his bushy brows. "I just want you to know that it wasn't my choice."

I nod, unable to say anything just yet, so he continues.

"We were young when we had you, but we were in love, and being with your mother is something I'll never regret." He looks over to his wife, Jazmine, their hands clasped together over the red-and-gold tablecloth. "But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, Malakai. When she kicked me out, I had no idea she was dealing with psychosis," he says, hanging his head. "It wasn't like a switch had flipped overnight. There was a slow progression of things. She started coming home at weird times, we'd get into arguments because she wouldn't tell me where she was, and I had no way of explaining where she had run off to to our son. As weeks went on like that, things continued to get worse between us. When she told me to leave, I thought we’d take a break, cool off, and work things out. Then, you were both gone when I showed up to our apartment a week later after not hearing anything from her. I managed to find the address online after she finally decided to register to vote," he says, shaking his head, his lips upturned with a small grin.

"She never actually cast her vote though," I admit, chuckling lightly. It's not really funny, but it's definitely on brand for her.

"Of course she didn't," he says, his laughter a deep hearty sound.

The smile falls from my face as questions start to flood my mind. "Why didn't you come back for me?"

"Kai, I tried. I promise, I did. But I couldn't afford a lawyer, and frankly, the chances of a Black man who wasn’t in the best financial situation winning custody over a white woman who at least owned her trailer, well, they were slim. And I've got no interest in changing the color of my skin, but my financial situation was something I could change, so I did. I worked every day with you motivating me, to be better and more successful than the day before, and when I finally had a home, a car, assets , things I could use to convince a judge to give me a shot, I realized you were an adult," he says, his voice quieting with every word. "Every week, I've sent you a letter, catching you up on my life and your sister's. And every week, I haven't heard a single thing." He pins me with his brown eyes, the same shade of coffee as mine. "Until now."

All the air is sucked out of my lungs as it dawns on me the incredibly specific chain of events that had to happen in order to get me here for this exact moment.

Jazmine squeezes his hand, her pretty light-brown eyes settling on me. She gives me a small, reassuring smile before she says something that has the potential to change everything for me.

"Kai, your father and I spoke in the kitchen after dinner, and we wanted to run something by you," she says, and my stomach starts to tumble with anxiety.

Again, a nod is all I manage, my mouth too dry to speak even if I knew what to say. I feel Lea's hand resting in my lap, and it anchors me as she squeezes my thigh gently.

"It's true that I didn't know she was struggling with schizophrenia," he tells me, his eyes peering over at Jazmine, and when she nods, he continues. "But she was my partner, and I should've known there was more to it than her suddenly wanting me out of your lives. I should've done more to figure out what was going on, and frankly, I know that'll eat me up inside for a long time, but I want to do something to make peace with it, and I sincerely hope it helps you too."

My brows pinch as I watch my father, his eyes cast downward to his lap. "I'd like to cover the cost of her stay at the psychiatric hospital. I want her to get the help she needs, and I don't want it to be any more of a burden than it's already been for you your whole life."

Air refuses to fill my lungs as I stare at him, unblinking while my mind tries to pick apart his words. I'm not in a place to say no to him, and frankly, I don't want to.

I want to live a typical life with Lea by my side, not fucking her for a bunch of horny creeps behind a screen to make ends meet, and I want my mom to have access to the care she needs so she can get back to the fun-loving, free-spirited woman I only saw glimpses of growing up.

"Thank you," I breathe out.

He reaches across the table to take my hand, looking me in the eye as he says, "Thank you for giving me a chance to explain. I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd read my letters and never bothered with me, but I'll continue to spend every day proving to you and your sister that my love for you is unconditional, and no amount of time could erase that."

Unyielding relief. That is what I feel. Knowing that I suddenly have a solid support system and an opportunity to get to know the man who makes up this other half of me that I've never understood, it's overwhelming, but in the best way.

“Thank you so much for having us,” Lea tells my dad and Jazmine. “Dinner was incredible, and I know this must be such a huge relief for you.” She looks back at me, rubbing the pad of her thumb across the inside of my wrist. “Everyone,” she finishes, her words sounding choked, and her eyes turn glossy.

I pull her into my side, crushing my arm around her waist to anchor her physically and emotionally.

“You have no idea,” my dad answers. “It was great to meet you, and I hope to see you all very soon.”

As we leave the home that now represents new opportunities and growth for every aspect of my life, I feel my heart swell in my chest.

Fuck, I'm so damn thankful.