Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

VIOLET

“ I take what I said back.”

“What’s that?” Zane asks as he trails kisses over my tired, spent, but undeniably satisfied body.

“I don’t mind that you leave. It’s somehow better when you come back.” This moment right here is one I could live in forever. My muscles are completely lax. My skin hums from Zane’s many, constant caresses. His lips and hands leave a blazing trail in their wake. My entire being is wrapped in a cocoon of happiness and love.

He chuckles but continues to lazily kiss me with his hands roaming wherever he pleases. I swear, the man has endless stamina. Even after fucking me crazy, he’s still ready to go again if I want. And boy, do I, but I need a moment to recover. I’ve been wound so tight over how things with Graham have gone lately, that it feels ridiculously good to be so loose and relaxed. That’s what Zane does to me, though. He takes my tangled emotions and unravels them until I have no choice but to relax.

“I’ve got some time tomorrow,” Zane says as he continues to blaze a trail upward on my chest. “Wanna go shopping for a Christmas tree with me?” He lifts his head.

His question causes my heart to stutter, and my lungs to malfunction. He wants to spend Christmas with me? Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday and I’ve missed it so much. My grandma went all out for Christmas and since she passed, it’s just another day. Graham refuses to celebrate with me and usually hunkers down in his room until the new year.

Is it too much to hope that this Christmas will finally be a good one? That I won’t be alone? Is this the start of a happily ever after?

“Babe?” He lifts until he’s towering directly above me, one hand reaching up to wipe away a tear.

“Might as well,” I squeak, causing him to smile a little.

“Want to talk about it?”

When I shake my head, I’m grateful he lets it go. We can get into that another day. I’m so emotionally drained all I want to do is absorb the comfort and strength Zane always offers me when he’s around.

A vibrating sound pulls my attention away. Zane gets up, finds my phone amongst the heap of our clothes, and brings it to me with a tight jaw.

Graham.

“Hey,” I answer.

My baby brother sighs. “Just wanted you to know I was going to a friend’s house, so I’m not gonna be home tomorrow.”

My heart seizes. “Thank you,” I whisper. “Be safe.”

“Yeah,” he replies and silence greets me as he disconnects.

Finally .

After five years, I’m finally making some sort of progress with my brother. Zane wraps me in a hug and before I can help myself, the tears fall. All the stress and anxiety and weariness bombards me at once. It leaks out of me and into Zane, who doesn’t seem fazed at all.

This weight of having to care for my brother, of walking on eggshells around him, of trying my best to move on while feeling like I’m walking in place has lifted ever so slightly off my shoulders. I’m terrified to get my hopes up that it will continue. That things are taking a turn for the better.

“I know just what’ll cheer you up,” Zane says as he releases me, only to move around the bed where he climbs in. He turns on the TV and pulls me close. I half-heartedly laugh as the Food Network appears on the screen.

It is scary what Zane has done to me. How he makes me feel. How at home I feel with him. Part of me thinks if I only ever had Zane—just Zane—for the rest of my life, I would still feel fulfilled. I don’t know what to think about that except to worry about what will happen if he is taken away from me.

“What’s something that scares you?”

“Alligators,” I answer without thinking.

“What?” Zane asks with a laugh, turning his head to look at me.

“They are absolutely terrifying. They can live up to fifty years and weigh as much as half a ton. Half a ton , Zane. And they can jump. They can leap up to five freaking feet into the air. Which I should have realized was something they can do since they can jump up for food, but five feet? And then they have these short yet long, freakish little legs, but they can run. Not like a cute little pitter-patter type of run; those jokers can get up to thirty-five miles per hour on land! They could speed through a school zone. It’s horrifying, but that’s not even the worst of it. They can climb . That’s what started my irrational fear. I saw a video online one day of a gator climbing a chain-link fence and thought that couldn’t possibly be real. But I looked it up and I’ll be damned if those things can’t climb. I’ve been scared ever since. Like, I obviously wouldn’t go up to one before, but now? I don’t want to be within twenty yards of one. I even have nightmares now. Why are you laughing?”

“You’re fucking adorable,” he says between chuckles.

I frown. My fear of gators is ridiculous but very much real. It’s annoying. All it took was one video and a web search to learn more and the nightmares started. They don’t happen on a regular basis, but more often than I’d like.

“What are you scared of then?” I ask with a bite in my tone.

His laughter dies, making me feel guilty for some reason, and his mouth parts, but he doesn’t say anything. There’s a tension in the air that wasn’t there a second ago. His mind definitely went to something more serious and heavy, I guess.

“Lots of things,” he finally says.

“I told you the first thing that came to mind; what came to yours?” I really want to know and I hope he’ll be honest with me.

Zane hesitates again, which makes me think he won’t tell me, but Zane isn’t one to let me down. “Ending up alone.”

My brows pull together and I frown. I don’t understand. “Alone? You’ve got your team and your parents; why would you be alone?”

“Not in that sense,” he clarifies and motions between us. “Alone with no one to spend my life with.”

Oh.

While I still don’t think that would ever happen to him, I’m surprised he does and that he admitted it. I wouldn’t have expected that to be his biggest fear. Maybe that explains why he was with a woman who didn’t want a relationship and why he was hopeful anyway.

Suddenly nervous, I force a smile. “Well, you snagged a wife, so that takes care of that. If you could get rid of all the alligators, I’d be grateful.”

Zane laughs, kisses me quickly, and then hugs me against him. “Afraid I can’t help with that. I won’t let a gator get you, though.” He kisses the top of my head. “Rest up, Violet. We have an exciting day tomorrow.”

There is no place I’d rather be than snuggled against his side.

“We should get ornaments next, right?” Zane asks as we unload the tree and cart it into the house.

“No, I have some.”

Thirty minutes later, the tree is in place and Zane has helped bring down tubs filled with my grandma’s Christmas decorations. We’ve strung the lights on and are taking out the decorations when Graham walks through the door. He stops short at the sight. Zane said we could take it to his house, but I’m hoping Graham will come around more to the idea of spending the holiday with me if I have it at my house. I felt bad about it briefly, but Zane offered me the option.

“Want to help?” I ask Graham.

“No.” He stalks off to his bedroom and slams the door behind him. Well, either he’s in a bad mood or he’s not happy about the holiday decor.

“He’ll come around,” Zane says quietly.

I sure hope so. There’s nothing I want more than to get along with Graham. He’s my only family. Being at odds with each other all the time exhausts and saddens me. The best Christmas gift would be for us to be happy with each other.

“I’m going over to see Savannah tonight if you want to come,” Zane says, bring my attention back to him.

I pause before nodding. “Okay. I can go.” In all honesty, I don’t want to go and be surrounded by happy people. It’s hard sometimes when my life has been anything but for so long. At the same time, I don’t want to give up the time with Zane either. So much so that I’ll hang out with the little girl.

“Babe?” I look over at him and he says, “I don’t have to go see Savannah if you don’t want me to.”

Did my tone give away more than I intended? Guilt eats at me. Savannah is cute as button and she apparently looks forward to regular visits from Zane.

“She’ll see me for a few tomorrow,” he adds.

“Who’s Savannah?”

We both turn at Graham’s question.

“My teammate’s daughter.”

“Teammate?” he questions with confusion.

“Yeah. I play for the Rebels.”

Graham’s brows rise. “The Carolina Rebels hockey team?”

“Yeah.”

My heart stalls. Graham hasn’t shown any interest in my life in a long time. The fact that he’s even asking Zane questions seems like a huge step forward.

“Hockey’s stupid.” He heads into the kitchen without another word, causing Zane to laugh. Well, that’s still better than nothing.

We continue to place ornaments on the tree, nearly finished. Vaguely, I can hear Graham talking softly on the phone, but a few minutes later, he plops onto the couch, looking white as a sheet.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, immediately going over to him.

“My girlfriend’s pregnant.”

I sway on my feet. Girlfriend? And she’s pregnant? I didn’t even know he was seeing anyone. Why wouldn’t he tell me that at least? Does he go see her when he’s going to his “friend’s” house?

Graham.

A father.

Oh, God.

“I think…I think I’m going to join the military. The Marines. I was thinking about it anyway since I need to get a better job, but it definitely seems like the right move now. We can get married and they’ll bump my pay a little for it. I’ll go back, talk to the recruiter again, and sign the contract,” he says more to himself than to anyone else.

Wait. A better job? That implies he already has one. Since when? And he’s already talked to a recruiter?

Before I can think, my hand swings out and slaps him. “Are you fucking kidding me, Graham? I said I wanted us to be on good terms because all we’ve got is each other and you want to join the damn military ? You could die! Have you lost your fucking mind?”

Part of me is proud he’s finally making a move to take care of himself, but the fear trumps everything. He doesn’t even have to see combat to die in the service. There’s press every so often about service members dying during training exercises. Training . If he dies, I’ll be alone. His girlfriend won’t have a partner to help raise their baby. His kid won’t have a father.

There has to be a less dangerous job for him. The idea of him joining has my heart in my throat, bile rising and ready to spew out, and my head feeling faint.

A hand on my lower back startles me. “Babe, why don’t you go take a breather?” Zane’s voice is almost painfully gentle and then he nudges me toward the hallway. I’m so flabbergasted at the turn of events with my brother, I wordlessly disappear down the hallway to my bedroom. What the hell am I supposed to do now?