Chapter 9

The past three months have been a whirlwind. After the first month together, Max asked me to move in with him. I was hesitant, but the way he treats me and the way he shows me how he cares left me no doubt that I want to take that step. He"s really great. Attentive, generous, and a savage animal in bed. The sex is just as hot as it was at the beginning, but…

There"s this thing that"s nagging at me. There are actually a few things that are nagging at me. The kiss thing. Never lasts more than a few seconds, then there"s the never talking about the future thing – he always changes the subject – and how he won"t open up to me about his past. I know he"s been hurt, and a part of me thinks that he needs to talk about it so that we can move forward.

I need to confront him, and I"m terrified of what might happen when I do. I"ve begged Erik to tell me more about his past, but for once he"s tight lipped about it and tells me to talk to Max. I"m drinking a glass of wine when the object of my desire comes walking in through the front door.

"Hey, you took the day off. Why?" he asks, pouring himself a glass of wine and sitting down on the couch next to me.

"I"m sorry I didn"t tell you. It was out of the blue. I was on a waitlist for the doctor, and they called me to tell me they had a spot open. Going to the doctor is really stressful for me, so I asked HR if I could have one of my sick days."

"The doctor? Wha…what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I've just been feeling very tired, and that"s unusual for me."

"What doctor did you go to? Maybe we should get a specialist to look at you?"

Max gets up and starts pacing with his cell phone in his hand.

"I don"t think it"s anything to worry about, Max. Come sit back down."

He sits down but doesn"t let go of his phone. His knee is bouncing nervously.

"I have a doctor I want you to go see. He"ll be thorough."

"Stop it, Max. This doctor did a couple of tests and sent me some vitamins and some recommendations on what to eat and what exercises to do to get more energy. I don"t need a fancy doctor for that."

"Could you be pregnant?"

"They did a test. It was negative."

"Were you disappointed?"

"Are you?"

"I asked first." He says.

I sigh and think about what I felt when they did blood tests and told me I wasn"t pregnant. The feelings that came up were a complete surprise to me, and I"m not sure I"ll be able to put them into words right now.

"A little bit sad. A little bit relieved. I mean, we"ve only known each other for four months. There are a ton of things that we don"t know about one another. I don"t even know if you want a family. We"ve never talked about the future."

I grab his hand and squeeze it lightly. I wonder if I should take this opportunity to ask him about the kisses. He might get upset with me, but I need to know what"s going on in his head.

"Do you see a future for us, Max?"

He takes a big gulp of his wine and avoids looking at me.

"I like how things are right now." He finally admits.

"Relationships change and evolve. Nothing ever stays the same."

He finally looks down at me, and I see unshed tears in his eyes.

"Can"t we take it one day at a time?"

"We can." I hesitate, "I have another question, though."

He stays silent and waits for me.

"Why don"t you like to kiss me on the mouth?"

He seems startled by my question and jumps up and starts pacing in front of the living room table. After about thirty seconds of this he stops and looks at me.

"I had hoped you wouldn"t notice."

"I like kissing, Max. If it were up to me, we"d spend entire afternoons kissing and cuddling. It bothers me a bit that you don"t like it."

"It"s not that I don"t like it. It"s just…"

"You can tell me anything, Max."

"It"s a very intimate act."

"Does this have to do with the person you lost?"

"Who told you about that?"

"There are rumors, but I haven"t gone out of my way to seek more information. I had hoped you would tell me when you felt comfortable enough to do so."

"I"m damaged, Anne."

"What? What are you talking about? Come back here and sit with me. I need to hold your hand while you explain."

He reluctantly comes back and sits down, but he"s tense and his body is rigid beside mine. I grab his hand and wait for an explanation.

"I can"t be what you need me to be, Anne. I can"t give you a happily ever after like those in the movies. I"ve been selfish, living each day as if the future does not matter. But you deserve more."

I"m not sure how to react or what to say, but this is the most open Max has ever been with me, and I don"t want it to stop. I want to know all his truths.

"Explain it to me like I"m six years old."

He sighs and tries to get his hand back, but I don"t let him.

"Lauren was the love of my life. My soulmate. When she died, she almost took me with her. If it weren"t for Erik and Theo, I wouldn"t be alive or have this business."

"I don"t understand. You survived. You"re here with me, whole and beautiful. You run a very successful nightclub that will soon expand to other cities. Why do you think you"re damaged?"

"I believe you only get one soulmate, and Lauren was mine. I can"t give you any type of future because mine died with Lauren. I can only give you as much as I have given you so far. If you"re happy with that, then we can continue, but if you want more… I…"

"What are you saying?"

"I"ll never be able to love you, Anne. That part of me died with Lauren."

Great, I"m in competition with a dead woman. I finally let go of his hand and reach for my wine. I finish it in three big gulps and reach for more. I need to get out of here. I"m playing house with a man who claims he"ll never be able to be my everything. And even if I wasn"t looking for that right now, that is something I want in the future.

"It"s funny how you don"t know you want something until someone says you can"t have it," I say.

I feel his gaze on me, but I avoid looking anywhere but the front of the couch, where his huge TV and sound system stare back at me like I"m a fool. I am a fool, mainly because I let myself get carried away with the great sex and how possessive and protective he is of me. I felt like I belonged to him. I still feel that way today.

We"re both quiet while we drink our wine, and I realize I have to make a choice. It"s an easy one because he doesn"t love me, and I"m head over heels for him. I need to leave. So I get up and go to his bedroom and start packing. I"m trying to make myself angry so I don"t lose my shit in front of him, but it"s not working.

I remind myself that I don"t need a man to make me happy and that life goes on after heartbreak. It might take a while, but I"ll get over Maxwell Lewis.

I call for a cab and bring my suitcase downstairs with me. Max is surprised and gets up to try and stop me from leaving.

"Where are you going?"

"Away. A hotel. Somewhere that isn"t here."

"Call me when you get there?" He looks sad, but I shift my gaze away quickly.

"No, I"ll be fine. I"ll send you my resignation in the morning, effective as soon as you receive it."

"You don"t have to leave your position at the club."

"You might not have feelings for me, Max, but I have them for you. I was falling in love with you, and now I realize I want a future together. So, a blank slate is better for me. Goodbye."

I mentally high-five myself. I think I sounded cold and unfeeling and I did not even tear up. You can do this, Anne. So I grab my suitcase and go out the front door to wait for my ride. There"s a chill in the night and I realize it matches the cold that"s just covered my heart.